Passive Anger

obyvatel

The Living Force
I would like to share some information and thoughts regarding the topic of anger and indirect forms of expressing anger. While reading "In Sheep's Clothing" by George Simon, I was struck by the description of the passive aggressive personality type which was clearly differentiated from the covert aggressive type. It seems to me that in a general sense, while the covert aggressive type are the manipulators and would come close to fit the broad psychopathic profile, passive aggressives could be the victims of such manipulators and/or narcissistic wounding in childhood. I found Martin Kantor's "Passive Aggression" as a useful source on this topic and have used material from this book in subsequent sections.

Passive Anger/Aggression
Passive aggressive traits lead to an indirect and circuitous way of expressing anger. Simon (quoting Millon) describes the passive aggressive (PA) as a primarily "negativistic" and ambivalent" person who is a chronic procrastinator and unable to decide firmly on a primarily "dependent or independent style of coping". This could be a non-pathological self-defense mechanism arising in the face of hostile authority (eg narcissistic family) to begin with but can become pathological in later life.
Behavioral Traits
Procrastination, chronic lateness, chronic forgetfulness, nagging, teasing, sarcasm, insincere apologies (accompanied with "All I said was ......" or "I only meant ....") are some behavioral traits. Passive anger can lead a person to seek advice and guidance and then to reject sensible suggestions experiencing a secret pleasure from that rejection. They are extremely frustrating people to live with who constantly annoy and provoke people around them thus experiencing the anger they cannot express themselves through projection.

Psychosomatic Effects of Passive Anger
Psychosomatic disorders have also been reported as a means of indirectly expressing hostility. Interestingly, these disorders may affect the PA or the "victim" of the PA or both. In the case where the PA characteristics is a response to a psychopathic dynamic, the "victim" may develop the problems - osit. The examples below are taken from Kantor and Louise Hay or both.
- Asthma: Louise Hay describes "being stifled" as one of the probable causes for asthma. Psychologists have reported (Kantor quoting Berne and Taubman) that asthma can be used for expressing aggression.
- Jaw problems can be caused from grinding one's teeth in anger.
- Skin problems like rashes, eczema, boils, pimples etc can either be caused or perpetuated by suppressed anger.
- Ulcers, obesity, alcoholism, anorectal bleeding, bad breath,bursitis, carpal tunnel, ear-aches, kidney stones, thyroid problems, sexual problems, liver problems, rheumatoid arthritis, chronic fatigue, chronic sore throats, urinary infections - can all have links to unexpressed anger.

Anger Styles
Kantor describes 6 types of anger styles
1) Paranoid : This style is employed by hypersensitive people who closely scrutinize other's actions and motives for hidden antagonisms. They often feel that they are being attacked or criticized or thwarted by others. They also "actively discover others' flaws not only with great regularity and relish but also with fresh impact each time". Typical outward expression of their anger is in the form of blame and complaints.
2) Narcissistic: This style comes from a supremely egocentric perspective. Kantor describes them as " spoiled individuals who make excessive demands on others, expect to get everything they want and quietly rage when they feel others do not give it to them". This style has been described elsewhere in this forum under the characteristics of NPD. In this context, the narcissistic style of anger finds expression through provoking others by making impossible demands.
3) Affective/Depressive : This type is triggered by a feeling of of being criticized, devalued and rejected. Typically of low self-esteem, their anger is expressed through criticizing others as well as through sulking and in general terms, provoking discomfort in others.
4) Obsessive-compulsive: This type is over-reactive and may be triggered by small things. Requests may be interpreted as demands and cooperating may be akin to yielding - thus losing control. So the anger expression style is through foot-dragging, withholding and stubbornness.
5) Histrionic: This type is triggered by a competitive attitude. Typical expression is through teasing, envying and invalidating .
6) Sadomasochistic : This type is characterized by a sense of perverse enjoyment at the suffering of the self and others. Anger is often expressed by "cutting off their own noses to spite others' faces".

Why anger cannot be expressed directly
Narcissistic wounding at the developmental phase of a child seems to be an important reason. This may lead to
a) Fear of consequence of expressing anger
b) Feeling of guilt at being angry
Indirect anger expression "removes" the feeling of guilt as well as the fear of "dire consequences".

Dynamics of the relationship with a PA
Kantor describes the following phases of the response of victims to the PA. This is perhaps quite similar to the response to a covert aggressive/psychopathic type in a general sense
Phase 1- Denial: Victim trivializes the issue and expects to be able to handle it
Phase 2 - Getting emotionally ill : Victim develops mental problems like depression/paranoia or psychosomatic problems
Phase 3 - Mounting Anger : Recognition of the discomfort being caused by the PA
Phase 4 - Overt Anger : May or may not happen in all cases. The victim of the PA may react in a PA way as well. Overt anger expressed may lead to a descending spiral further aggravating the PA
Phase 5 - Forgiving and Accommodating : Decision to make up and continue the relationship. This would often essentially close the loop and get back to Phase 1.

Dealing with passive anger in oneself or a PA person
- Identifying and highlighting the PA behavior should be a good starting point
- Distinguishing between appropriate and inappropriate anger
- In cases where the anger originates to a large extent from "misidentifying a present person or situation from a past experience" , the anger can be regarded as more "transferential" than "provoked" and thus inappropriate. In general, examples of inappropriate anger could be a a result of faulty thinking or cognitive errors like thinking in strictly black or white terms leading to exaggerated reactions.
- For "appropriate anger" which is a valid response to a provocation, some choices are
a) Talking things out with the person concerned and then setting appropriate limits. This would be in line with the respectful adult communication (RAC) techniques mentioned in the "Narcissistic Family".
b) Forbearance through insight into the other person's conditions and/or for the sake of maintaining the relationship
c) Flight or removal of the self from the anger-inducing person or situation
As Castaneda's Don Juan suggested, for those aspiring to be "warriors", the provocations could be treated like a petty tyrant and used as a tool for working on self-importance. The general techniques described elsewhere in this forum to deal with negative emotions should also be directly applicable in this context.

What was surprising to me is the sheer number of physical problems which are reported to have links to passive or unexpressed anger. Employing indirect styles of anger also seems like a common occurrence to me based on my personal experience. Anger in its passive form seems like a big program needing a lot of Work.
FWIW
 
Interesting

Psychosomatic Effects of Passive Anger
Psychosomatic disorders have also been reported as a means of indirectly expressing hostility. Interestingly, these disorders may affect the PA or the "victim" of the PA or both. In the case where the PA characteristics is a response to a psychopathic dynamic, the "victim" may develop the problems - osit. The examples below are taken from Kantor and Louise Hay or both.
- Asthma: Louise Hay describes "being stifled" as one of the probable causes for asthma. Psychologists have reported (Kantor quoting Berne and Taubman) that asthma can be used for expressing aggression.
- Jaw problems can be caused from grinding one's teeth in anger.
- Skin problems like rashes, eczema, boils, pimples etc can either be caused or perpetuated by suppressed anger.
- Ulcers, obesity, alcoholism, anorectal bleeding, bad breath,bursitis, carpal tunnel, ear-aches, kidney stones, thyroid problems, sexual problems, liver problems, rheumatoid arthritis, chronic fatigue, chronic sore throats, urinary infections - can all have links to unexpressed anger.

In 'Heal your body A+Z' by Susan Gross, she says that excess weight/fat is a sign of unexpressed anger. Something interesting to note is that although you might be skinny, you could always have unhealthy fat deposits internally _http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/6220596.stm

The reason I mention fat deposits is that (as far as I remember) that's how your body stores toxins it can't handle. I know the above symptoms can be caused by many things but toxicity overload is one of them.

This is interesting because it dawns on me that the emotional/mental side of physical toxin overload is quite intriguing and possibly not considered enough? I've noticed that my own emotional problems/incorrect thinking lead me to eat things that are not good for me/cause physical problems (work in progress), but to think holding onto anger could probably physically make you store more toxins....

It amazes me that everything we are and do (automatically or otherwise) leads to expression in physical/emotional and mental behaviours....how all three seem to intrinsically linked. Perhaps I'm jumping to conclusions however.
 
Hi Redfox,
it seems that you are not just "jumping to conclusion", but rather multiple alternative health authorities (most specifically Dr. Mercola) have known of the inextricable link between emotions and corresponding physical dis-ease for quite some time. I believe he even goes on record as saying that maladaptive emotions are the cause of 85%+ of physical disease which I believe was taken from an interview with a German New Therapy practitioner in one of his video recorded interviews accessible through membership OSIT. Not to mention the generally well known conception that anger leads to the subsequent deterioration of ones liver function, in which said function is highly important for detoxification. So yes, understanding ones potential passive-agressive propensities is of great importance for the reparation and maintenance of mental/physical/emotional welling IMHO
 
Thnx for sharing, this is vary useful.

I agree with Jimbo, and I think that most of biological problems have direct cause in psycho/spiritual domain.
I would just add that anger, according to psychosomatic schools and my own experience, is closely connected with all gastro - problems. From acid-reflux to
cancer.
 
I posted following info in another thread (disturbing family weekend) but found it relevant to add to this thread for people researching the topic of passive agressiveness.

THE BOOMERANG RELATIONSHIP: Passivity, Irresponsibility and Resulting Partner Anger. by Lynne Namka, Ed. D © 1998

One of the hardest patterns of behavior for all of us to deal with is passive aggressive behavior. Passive aggressive behavior happens when the person avoids responsibility and attempts to control others to keep them away through his passivity and withdrawal. It is a dynamic born of fear of being controlled, fear of confrontation, hidden anger and an inability to deal straight with people.

Passive aggressive behavior is complex and takes many forms. We all have passive behavior that comes up when we don't want to deal with conflict directly or do a task. We all hedge, fudge and remain noncommittal on issues some of the time. That's normal. It's only when repeated passivity creates severe issues for others setting up continual tension and anger in the household that it becomes a serious problem that should be addressed. Common examples of this habitual, passive retreat style of dealing with confrontation and stress include:

• The person who says one thing but means the opposite.
• The man who acts passive but aggressively gets his own way by not doing what is wanted.
• The boss who squelches his anger then strikes out indirectly. (Perhaps by withdrawing.)
• The woman who says yes when she means no; then gets cold feet and refuses to follow through.
• The teenager who agrees up front then doesn't do what he agreed to.
• The client who schedules an appointment but does not show up.
• The person who fears self assertion and confrontation, but says no by sidestepping responsibility.
• Anyone in the family who creatively gets out of doing his or her part of the chores.
• The Mr. Nice Guy who puts on the sweet face to agree, then does what he darn well pleases.
• The student who procrastinates with studying and does poorly in school.
• The parent who refuses to discipline the children and insists on the spouse being the ‘heavy.'
• The bored housewife who refuses to clean the house or cook for her family.
• The person who refuses to hear criticism, discuss his problems or read books about the issue.
• The dad who pushes one child hard but allows the other child to get out of responsibility.
• The not ready to be committed man wanting someone there for him but feels entitled to his freedom.
• Any individual who spends his effort into under achieving in school, in relationships and in life!

What all of these people have in common is that the significant people in their life become very, very angry at their resistant behavior. The negative energy in the relationship boomerangs from one partner to the other resulting in an unhappy relationship.

While women can have passive aggressive behavior, this condition is more typically found in men, therefore this article will focus on the typical male version of this dynamic. The typical passive aggressive man has not worked through his anger and power issues with his parents so he replays them in current relationships. His anger comes out in passive way of avoidance.

Psychologist, Scott Wetzler, in Living With the Passive Aggressive Man: Coping with the Personality Syndrome of Hidden Aggression From the Bedroom to the Boardroom, discusses the dynamic that sets up passive behavior. There are many childhood set ups for this way of coping but most often there is a domineering mother and a father who is ineffectual. Or there may be a passive mother who gets out of responsibility by her helplessness. There are power struggles in the marriage with one parent backing off and withdrawing. The boy feels trapped between choosing loyalties at home. He is afraid to compete with his father who is absent either physically or emotionally or perceived as being inadequate. In the typical mother dominant-father passive relationship, the boy learns that the job of being a man in relationship is to escape the woman's needs and subsequent demands.

The young boy is not allowed to express his feelings and develop a sense of self. He wants his mother's attention and care yet he resents her continual intrusion. His anger grows but he cannot express it so it becomes submerged and is expressed in an unconscious ‘You can't tell me what to do.' He is not allowed to get his way by direct confrontation and competition so he learns to displace his anger through resistance. He learns to use charm, stubbornness, resistance and withdrawal to protect himself in power struggles. He rebels by becoming moody, being an underachiever or developing behavior problems. His self protectiveness and duplicity from the squelched anger and hostility becomes a habit that he plays out with other women he meets. He desperately seeks a woman to meet his needs of being accepted for who he is, but puts her off with small, continual acts of rebellion. He replays the distancing drama of his original family In the relationship.

The man with passive aggressive behavior needs someone to be the object of his hidden hostility. He needs an adversary whose expectations and demands he can resist as he plays out the dance he learned from his parents. He chooses a woman who will agree to be on the receiving end of his disowned anger. He resists her in small ways setting up a pattern of frustration so that she gets to express the anger that he cannot.

The biggest irritant in being with a passive aggressive man is that he doesn't follow through on his agreements and promises. He dodges responsibility while insisting he's pulling his weight. He procrastinates, takes on big projects but doesn't finish them then feels put upon or hostile if someone else tries to finish it. He often ignores reality as to his irresponsibility and withdrawal. He denies evidence, distorts minimizes or lies to make his version of reality seem logical.

He uses vague language to sandbag the partner. Inconsistency and ambiguity are his tools of choice. He often gives double messages and expects his partner to read his mind and meet his needs saying ‘She should have known how it is.' He withholds information and has a hidden agenda. He can't take criticism and makes excuses to get himself off the hook. He sulks and uses silence when confronted about his inability to live up to his promises, obligations or responsibilities. When he doesn't follow through, he puts the blame on his partner so he doesn't have to take it and accuses her of having the problem.

The man with this type of pattern shows little consideration of the time, feelings, standards or needs of others. He obstructs and block progress to others getting what they want and then ignores or minimalizes their dissatisfactions and anger. He is silent when confronted as he has never learned to compromise. He may be a workaholic, a womanizer, hooked on TV, caught in addictions or self-involved hobbies.

He may have multiple relationships with women as a way of keeping distant from one fully committed relationship. He is confused about which woman he wants and stays caught between the two women in his life not being able to commit fully to either. He is confused and can't understand why the women get so angry with him. He feels others demand too much of him so resists in overt and subtle ways and feels deprived if must give in to others. The man who copes with conflict by not being there has strong conflict over dependency. He desperately wants attention but fears being swallowed up by the partner. He can't be alone and live without a woman in his life, but can't be with partner emotionally. He's caught in a Catch 22--wanting affection but avoiding it because he fears it as his destruction. He resents feeling dependent on the woman so must keep her off guard. He makes his partner feel like a nothing through his neglect or irritability but he keeps her around because he needs her. His script is ‘Be here for me, but don't come too close and don't burden me with your needs or expectations.'

He has such strong fears of intimacy deep in his unconscious mind so he must set barriers up to prevent a deep emotional connection. He is clever at derailing intimacy when it comes up by tuning out his partner and changing the subject. He must withhold part of himself to feel safe and may withdraw sexually. Closeness and intimacy during sex may make him feel vulnerable and panicked bringing forth his deepest fears of dependency upon a woman. The passive aggressive man lives an internal loneliness; he wants to be with the woman but stays confused whether she is the right partner for him or not. He is scared and insecure causing him to seek contact with a partner but scared and insecure to fully commit.

Due to the wounding from childhood, he is unable to trust that he is safe within the relationship. He fears revealing himself and can't share feelings. His refusal to express feelings keeps him from experiencing his sense of insecurity and vulnerability. He often denies feelings like love that might trap him into true connection with another human being. He feels rejected and hurt when things don't go his way but can't distinguish between feeling rejected and being rejected. He pushes people away first so he won't be rejected. He is often irritable and uses low-level hostility to create distance at home. The relationship becomes based on keeping the partner at bay. He often sets up experiences to get others to reject or deprive him. He is noncommittal and retreats, feeling put upon and burdened by partner's requests for more closeness. He becomes a cave dweller to feel safe.

The man with passive aggressive actions is a master in getting his partner to doubt herself and feel guilty for questioning or confronting him. He encourages her to fall for his apologies, accept his excuses and focus on his charm rather than deal with the issue directly. He blames her for creating the problem and keeps her focused on her anger rather than his own ineptitude. When backed into a corner, he may explode and switch to aggressive aggressive behavior then switch back to passivity. He keeps his partner held hostage by the hope that he will change. He may appease her and clean up his act after a blow up for several weeks, then it's back to business as usual.

The passive aggressive man is the classic underachiever with a fear of competition in the work place. He cannot take constructive feedback from others. His fear of criticism, not following through and his inability to see his part in any conflict keeps him from advancing on the job. He may take three roles on the job or switch back and forth between them.

l. The yes man who is afraid to express his opinion then is secretly angry,
2. The boss or co-worker tyrant who thinks he's perfect and tries to discredit or eliminates anyone who threatens his power,
3. The victim who is failure prone due to his lack of initiative, follow through and self sabotage.

How the Woman's Needs Contributes to the Unhealthy Dynamics of the Relationship

Passive aggressive behavior does not happen in a vacuum; it requires a partner to bounce things off of. This problems exists between people--one who resists and one who get frustrated. The need for a woman to choose and remain with a passive aggressive partner is a dynamic that is set up in her childhood. The little girl learns this pattern in childhood observing her parents. One parent withdraws and frustrates the spouse who becomes angry. The little girl learns to take care of others and get depressed when they don't appreciate it. Desperately she wants the parents to change but cannot express her deep frustration.
When she grows up, the woman unconsciously chooses men who will play out the familiar patterns of her childhood of retreat and attack. She falls for the man's charm, his neediness or sense of poise and togetherness and ignores his real lack of connection with others. If the man's hostility and withdrawal is left unchallenged, the woman's doubt in herself grows. His failures become her failures. The harder she works on the relationship, the cleverer he is in eluding her. Her life is in continual uproar as she mulls over the inconsistencies in daily events. He feels threatened and insecure and withdraws, she gets angry. She gets angry, he withdraws and the unresolved conflict boomerangs between then. Relationships, which do not allow straight talk, frankness and appropriate expression of anger become destructive.

The woman living with a passive aggressive man goes back and forth between three roles--the Rescuer, the Victim or the Manager. Living with the passive aggressive man pushes the woman into frustration and anger as a major dynamic in day-to-day conflict. When she cannot get her needs met, she becomes the Blamer, the Bitch, and the Rager, which then makes the man feel very insecure in the relationship. She is caught in her role as a martyr-victim, codependent rescuer or controlling manager as she does not know how to do anything different. She rides the emotional roller coaster as she always wants more from her man--more commitment, more cooperation and more doing what he says he will do. Her self-esteem erodes as her frustration and anger turn to rage as she feels guilty about the intensity and destructiveness of her aggression. She may repeat choosing passive aggressive men in several relationships until she learns how her own neediness sets her up for relationship failure.

fwiw
 
Jeremy F Kreuz said:
I posted following info in another thread (disturbing family weekend) but found it relevant to add to this thread for people researching the topic of passive agressiveness.

THE BOOMERANG RELATIONSHIP: Passivity, Irresponsibility and Resulting Partner Anger. by Lynne Namka, Ed. D © 1998

One of the hardest patterns of behavior for all of us to deal with is passive aggressive behavior. Passive aggressive behavior happens when the person avoids responsibility and attempts to control others to keep them away through his passivity and withdrawal. It is a dynamic born of fear of being controlled, fear of confrontation, hidden anger and an inability to deal straight with people.

Passive aggressive behavior is complex and takes many forms. We all have passive behavior that comes up when we don't want to deal with conflict directly or do a task. We all hedge, fudge and remain noncommittal on issues some of the time. That's normal. It's only when repeated passivity creates severe issues for others setting up continual tension and anger in the household that it becomes a serious problem that should be addressed. Common examples of this habitual, passive retreat style of dealing with confrontation and stress include:

• The person who says one thing but means the opposite.
• The man who acts passive but aggressively gets his own way by not doing what is wanted.
• The boss who squelches his anger then strikes out indirectly. (Perhaps by withdrawing.)
• The woman who says yes when she means no; then gets cold feet and refuses to follow through.
• The teenager who agrees up front then doesn't do what he agreed to.
• The client who schedules an appointment but does not show up.
• The person who fears self assertion and confrontation, but says no by sidestepping responsibility.
• Anyone in the family who creatively gets out of doing his or her part of the chores.
• The Mr. Nice Guy who puts on the sweet face to agree, then does what he darn well pleases.
• The student who procrastinates with studying and does poorly in school.
• The parent who refuses to discipline the children and insists on the spouse being the ‘heavy.'
• The bored housewife who refuses to clean the house or cook for her family.
• The person who refuses to hear criticism, discuss his problems or read books about the issue.
• The dad who pushes one child hard but allows the other child to get out of responsibility.
• The not ready to be committed man wanting someone there for him but feels entitled to his freedom.
• Any individual who spends his effort into under achieving in school, in relationships and in life!

What all of these people have in common is that the significant people in their life become very, very angry at their resistant behavior. The negative energy in the relationship boomerangs from one partner to the other resulting in an unhappy relationship.

While women can have passive aggressive behavior, this condition is more typically found in men, therefore this article will focus on the typical male version of this dynamic. The typical passive aggressive man has not worked through his anger and power issues with his parents so he replays them in current relationships. His anger comes out in passive way of avoidance.

Psychologist, Scott Wetzler, in Living With the Passive Aggressive Man: Coping with the Personality Syndrome of Hidden Aggression From the Bedroom to the Boardroom, discusses the dynamic that sets up passive behavior. There are many childhood set ups for this way of coping but most often there is a domineering mother and a father who is ineffectual. Or there may be a passive mother who gets out of responsibility by her helplessness. There are power struggles in the marriage with one parent backing off and withdrawing. The boy feels trapped between choosing loyalties at home. He is afraid to compete with his father who is absent either physically or emotionally or perceived as being inadequate. In the typical mother dominant-father passive relationship, the boy learns that the job of being a man in relationship is to escape the woman's needs and subsequent demands.

The young boy is not allowed to express his feelings and develop a sense of self. He wants his mother's attention and care yet he resents her continual intrusion. His anger grows but he cannot express it so it becomes submerged and is expressed in an unconscious ‘You can't tell me what to do.' He is not allowed to get his way by direct confrontation and competition so he learns to displace his anger through resistance. He learns to use charm, stubbornness, resistance and withdrawal to protect himself in power struggles. He rebels by becoming moody, being an underachiever or developing behavior problems. His self protectiveness and duplicity from the squelched anger and hostility becomes a habit that he plays out with other women he meets. He desperately seeks a woman to meet his needs of being accepted for who he is, but puts her off with small, continual acts of rebellion. He replays the distancing drama of his original family In the relationship.

The man with passive aggressive behavior needs someone to be the object of his hidden hostility. He needs an adversary whose expectations and demands he can resist as he plays out the dance he learned from his parents. He chooses a woman who will agree to be on the receiving end of his disowned anger. He resists her in small ways setting up a pattern of frustration so that she gets to express the anger that he cannot.

The biggest irritant in being with a passive aggressive man is that he doesn't follow through on his agreements and promises. He dodges responsibility while insisting he's pulling his weight. He procrastinates, takes on big projects but doesn't finish them then feels put upon or hostile if someone else tries to finish it. He often ignores reality as to his irresponsibility and withdrawal. He denies evidence, distorts minimizes or lies to make his version of reality seem logical.

He uses vague language to sandbag the partner. Inconsistency and ambiguity are his tools of choice. He often gives double messages and expects his partner to read his mind and meet his needs saying ‘She should have known how it is.' He withholds information and has a hidden agenda. He can't take criticism and makes excuses to get himself off the hook. He sulks and uses silence when confronted about his inability to live up to his promises, obligations or responsibilities. When he doesn't follow through, he puts the blame on his partner so he doesn't have to take it and accuses her of having the problem.

The man with this type of pattern shows little consideration of the time, feelings, standards or needs of others. He obstructs and block progress to others getting what they want and then ignores or minimalizes their dissatisfactions and anger. He is silent when confronted as he has never learned to compromise. He may be a workaholic, a womanizer, hooked on TV, caught in addictions or self-involved hobbies.

He may have multiple relationships with women as a way of keeping distant from one fully committed relationship. He is confused about which woman he wants and stays caught between the two women in his life not being able to commit fully to either. He is confused and can't understand why the women get so angry with him. He feels others demand too much of him so resists in overt and subtle ways and feels deprived if must give in to others. The man who copes with conflict by not being there has strong conflict over dependency. He desperately wants attention but fears being swallowed up by the partner. He can't be alone and live without a woman in his life, but can't be with partner emotionally. He's caught in a Catch 22--wanting affection but avoiding it because he fears it as his destruction. He resents feeling dependent on the woman so must keep her off guard. He makes his partner feel like a nothing through his neglect or irritability but he keeps her around because he needs her. His script is ‘Be here for me, but don't come too close and don't burden me with your needs or expectations.'

He has such strong fears of intimacy deep in his unconscious mind so he must set barriers up to prevent a deep emotional connection. He is clever at derailing intimacy when it comes up by tuning out his partner and changing the subject. He must withhold part of himself to feel safe and may withdraw sexually. Closeness and intimacy during sex may make him feel vulnerable and panicked bringing forth his deepest fears of dependency upon a woman. The passive aggressive man lives an internal loneliness; he wants to be with the woman but stays confused whether she is the right partner for him or not. He is scared and insecure causing him to seek contact with a partner but scared and insecure to fully commit.

Due to the wounding from childhood, he is unable to trust that he is safe within the relationship. He fears revealing himself and can't share feelings. His refusal to express feelings keeps him from experiencing his sense of insecurity and vulnerability. He often denies feelings like love that might trap him into true connection with another human being. He feels rejected and hurt when things don't go his way but can't distinguish between feeling rejected and being rejected. He pushes people away first so he won't be rejected. He is often irritable and uses low-level hostility to create distance at home. The relationship becomes based on keeping the partner at bay. He often sets up experiences to get others to reject or deprive him. He is noncommittal and retreats, feeling put upon and burdened by partner's requests for more closeness. He becomes a cave dweller to feel safe.

The man with passive aggressive actions is a master in getting his partner to doubt herself and feel guilty for questioning or confronting him. He encourages her to fall for his apologies, accept his excuses and focus on his charm rather than deal with the issue directly. He blames her for creating the problem and keeps her focused on her anger rather than his own ineptitude. When backed into a corner, he may explode and switch to aggressive aggressive behavior then switch back to passivity. He keeps his partner held hostage by the hope that he will change. He may appease her and clean up his act after a blow up for several weeks, then it's back to business as usual.

The passive aggressive man is the classic underachiever with a fear of competition in the work place. He cannot take constructive feedback from others. His fear of criticism, not following through and his inability to see his part in any conflict keeps him from advancing on the job. He may take three roles on the job or switch back and forth between them.

l. The yes man who is afraid to express his opinion then is secretly angry,
2. The boss or co-worker tyrant who thinks he's perfect and tries to discredit or eliminates anyone who threatens his power,
3. The victim who is failure prone due to his lack of initiative, follow through and self sabotage.

How the Woman's Needs Contributes to the Unhealthy Dynamics of the Relationship

Passive aggressive behavior does not happen in a vacuum; it requires a partner to bounce things off of. This problems exists between people--one who resists and one who get frustrated. The need for a woman to choose and remain with a passive aggressive partner is a dynamic that is set up in her childhood. The little girl learns this pattern in childhood observing her parents. One parent withdraws and frustrates the spouse who becomes angry. The little girl learns to take care of others and get depressed when they don't appreciate it. Desperately she wants the parents to change but cannot express her deep frustration.
When she grows up, the woman unconsciously chooses men who will play out the familiar patterns of her childhood of retreat and attack. She falls for the man's charm, his neediness or sense of poise and togetherness and ignores his real lack of connection with others. If the man's hostility and withdrawal is left unchallenged, the woman's doubt in herself grows. His failures become her failures. The harder she works on the relationship, the cleverer he is in eluding her. Her life is in continual uproar as she mulls over the inconsistencies in daily events. He feels threatened and insecure and withdraws, she gets angry. She gets angry, he withdraws and the unresolved conflict boomerangs between then. Relationships, which do not allow straight talk, frankness and appropriate expression of anger become destructive.

The woman living with a passive aggressive man goes back and forth between three roles--the Rescuer, the Victim or the Manager. Living with the passive aggressive man pushes the woman into frustration and anger as a major dynamic in day-to-day conflict. When she cannot get her needs met, she becomes the Blamer, the Bitch, and the Rager, which then makes the man feel very insecure in the relationship. She is caught in her role as a martyr-victim, codependent rescuer or controlling manager as she does not know how to do anything different. She rides the emotional roller coaster as she always wants more from her man--more commitment, more cooperation and more doing what he says he will do. Her self-esteem erodes as her frustration and anger turn to rage as she feels guilty about the intensity and destructiveness of her aggression. She may repeat choosing passive aggressive men in several relationships until she learns how her own neediness sets her up for relationship failure.

fwiw

Good read, apparently I am passive aggressive, I know i have anger inside and it cycles in and out of my life.

Whats the solution though, I've done EE off and on, my cd broke, so I have ordered a new one.

I know so much about my anger problems and their effects/causes and I have very little information on how to fix it :/
 
Franco said:
Good read, apparently I am passive aggressive, I know i have anger inside and it cycles in and out of my life.

Whats the solution though, I've done EE off and on, my cd broke, so I have ordered a new one.

I know so much about my anger problems and their effects/causes and I have very little information on how to fix it :/

Have you read Deep Therapy in the Fast Lane and the Narcissism Big 5 books?

There is a lot of information in these. :)
 
Nienna Eluch said:
Franco said:
Good read, apparently I am passive aggressive, I know i have anger inside and it cycles in and out of my life.

Whats the solution though, I've done EE off and on, my cd broke, so I have ordered a new one.

I know so much about my anger problems and their effects/causes and I have very little information on how to fix it :/

Have you read Deep Therapy in the Fast Lane and the Narcissism Big 5 books?

There is a lot of information in these. :)

I've read 3 of the 5 so far, I have the other 2, so many things in these books hit home, but none really have a solution for fixing it, thats kind of what I'm getting at.

I will take a look at Deep Therapy in the Fast Lane.

Anyone else here had these issues and overcome them?
 
Franco said:
I've read 3 of the 5 so far, I have the other 2, so many things in these books hit home, but none really have a solution for fixing it, thats kind of what I'm getting at.

I will take a look at Deep Therapy in the Fast Lane.

Anyone else here had these issues and overcome them?

Hi Franco, I can identify myself as a PA person as well, especially in relations with my family members.
I'm also wondering about the best way to handle the problem. Although I think that the act of being conscious
of the emotions that arise and their triggers is already a step towards overcoming
these tendencies. (I am still learning about my emotions, right now I probably have the
equivalent emotional awareness of a 7 year-old child)
I would like to list down all the PA issues I have but I think the first post covers about
everything :)

This thread did help me with handling emotions, although I don't think my understanding of it is complete.
Please check it out if you're interested: Depression As A Stepping Stone (to Soul Growth)
 
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