I can sympathize with the "block" in your meditation. If its any help, I find that what you did (focusing on Laura's voice) is the best solution, osit. Another thing that helps me personally is "repeating" the prayer in my head and "following" it closely with all my attention.
The anger you felt might simply be the beginning of a release, and I wouldn't get too frustrated with the fact that you are feeling it. If anything I'd punch a pillow and let it out!
Speaking, again, only from personal experience, if you really want to cry after a session to "get it out" music may help. Something bitter-sweet.
Yes I tried listening to loads of sad music but it was ineffective! Strangely enough I used to get tears in my eyes all the time at music and films etc but since I joined this group I'm finding It happens much less.
I did have a good pillow punching session though, almost feel guilty for taking it out on 1st density so badly
Anger was one of the emotions that I experienced the most after the round breathing (baha) especially at the beginning. It sounds like you had a lot of anger suppressed growing up? As you know, this part is for emotional detoxification, the release of repressed emotions. What I came to understand for myself is that all my early life I tried to be the good girl that my family (and culture) wanted me to be, but in the process I suppressed a lot of anger about what was happening around me and feeling unable/not allowed to express it. So I denied that I was ever angry, a lie to myself. When I started feeling that anger again, I was taken by surprised. But there it was, and I could not deny it. Punching on pillows, working physically outdoors, and even some writing can help you release some of that anger and process it.
I grew up in a similar situation in that I would never express anger to people past a certain age and would keep it bottled up inside and express it when I was alone. I often fantasised about violence towards my dad and towards people who bullied me in school. This culminated in me getting into 3 fights in school, getting suspended etc. I was a very angry child, generally at my lack of power and my father's manipulations. It's been 8 months since I've spoken to him and I still feel rage when I think about all the ways in which he "messed up my life" (though then again, if my life had been perfect, would I have found this place?)
Yes I am starting to enjoy this punching pillows business! Hopefully my roommates don't think I'm a mad man, then again between a diet of all meat for "health" reasons, and the warrior's breath, they probably already think that
As far as focus, I'm starting to find it matters quite a lot where my eyes are pointing. If I do a sort of 'cross eyed' position looking at my nose, I find it easier to concentrate but it puts strain on my eyes. If I focus to infinity then it settles me down but makes it easier for my mind to wander.
My mental muscles are getting stronger though, --- Just had a strong sense of deja vu while typing that, I'm getting it much more frequently these days--- and I'm getting better at focusing.
Sometimes, we might have to allow ourselves to cry even if we don't know why it is we feel the way we do, or a part of us is scared about what the emotions are, and we need to reassure it that we will be alright - we will feel better actually once the weight of sadness is lifted. If you can't cry right now though, don't force it. It will come out when it's time. I hope you have a restful sleep tonight
Yes, it feels stupid to feel my need to cry but not be able to but hopefully it will happen soon. I mean there's no shortage of things to cry about, I'm still in prison! Thank you for that Alana
Unfortunately I struggled to get to sleep due to a strange phenomena.
As I was enjoying my last smoke after I posted in this thread last night, I realised that I had a little blind spot a few degrees to the right of my center of vision. This has happened only once before, when I got a short migraine. I went to go turn all fans and lights off in the kitchen, and when I came back the "blind spot" had increased in size, and spread to other areas of my vision. I tried to remain calm and turn off the computer, going to bed.
This is where it got interesting. These "blind spots" seemeded to be arranged randomly, in strips and blobs over my vision. I could see them in the darkness in my peripheral with my eyes closed, and they started to become more colourful. They arranged and rearranged themselves in constantly shifting psychedelic geometric patterns, dominated by the colours blue and green mainly. When I could focus long enough, it was almost as if they were spelling out some alien word, or drawing me a picture. Anyway I got rather bored of that after about 20 minutes, but could not get to sleep due to pains in my jaw, neck, and left side of my skull. Took a lot of magnesium and I don't remember falling asleep.
I had a powerful dream, where I was in some kind of Gurdjieff School. There was a man who seemed to be going crazy, talking about how we are food for aliens and just saying "there's no hope, I've seen the truth". I was trying to explain to him that there was hope, and that helping eachother is our only option. He was having none of it, and I can still remember the vivid despair in his eyes, it was horrible.
Then shortly later on in the dream it was explained to me by someone or something, that there was no way out of this prison. The words used were along the lines of "Ha! Do you really think Gurdjieff is not just another level of the master control plan? This is you, get used to it!". He said this while pointing to a plastic package containing a fillet stake (must say I'm quite flattered, at least I'm expensive
). Anyway my place in the food chain was put in no uncertain terms, and seeing the horror of it was quite a shock.
I mean it's one thing for us to talk about being food for 4d aliens, but it's another thing to truly know it. And in my dream I knew what it was like to truly know it in my heart. I can still feel the horror that I vividly felt in the dream, the sinking feeling in my stomach and the shivvers down my spine.
I'm having dreams like this more often now, and they are very interesting and give me much food for thought.