Attached is the 10 page first story. I'd love it if anyone wanted to read through it and give me some feedback. It's got a Matrix/Girl with the Dragon Tattoo flavor to it, and even though it's tame it was tough to write it. It's one of a series of short stories featuring mostly the same characters, and my idea is to have the whole short series cycle back to this first episode. The second story will shed more light on exactly what's going on. The aim of the entire series is to encapsulate knowledge of ponerology, hyperdimensional realities, diet, social collapse, in a fictional and entertaining format. Anyways, I would definitely appreciate any criticism since I've never tried my hand at fiction on this scale before.
edit: added information