Esoterica > The Work
Must not be doing it right
aaron r:
Maybe not drinking is what you want not what she wants.
agni:
Hi Menna,
I am far from being an expert on this matter, but I think you either accept the person for who they are, or you do not. It all comes down to that. You are not responsible for the actions of others, you are only responsible for yours, along with the choices you make.
You seemed to be aware about the drinking issues of other person, you chose to be partners with the person knowing that.
--- Quote from: Menna on December 19, 2011, 09:24:57 PM ---"No way you made a promise to me. i sacrifice so much for you and our relationship I keep my promises and now that your friends are around you want to go against me to do something with them break a promise."
--- End quote ---
This just comes across as controlling and selfish, and manipulative through guilt tripping.
--- Quote from: Menna on December 19, 2011, 09:24:57 PM ---aaron r - Honoring a commitment is also being true to yourself. I don't know what it is when you are not true to yourself to be true to yourself I think that is just doing what you want at that point.
--- End quote ---
I think you are trying to justify the situation. You can only speak for yourself, what is true to yourself and what is not. For other person it well can be not honoring commitments and drinking, as being true to self. You are not responsible for the choices others make.
FWIW.
Heimdallr:
--- Quote from: Menna on December 20, 2011, 12:58:20 AM ---
Lets say that my partner promissed me that they wouldn't have another sip of an alcoholic drink. They are good on this promise for a few months I don’t see it when it is just me and my partner there is no drinking. But when my partner has their friends over she says to me (in front of her friends)...I am going to have a drink and then does...At the time I want to say "No way you made a promise to me. i sacrifice so much for you and our relationship I keep my promises and now that your friends are around you want to go against me to do something with them break a promise." This is what I want to say but that is confrontation and puts my partner down in front of her friends." So instead I take a breath and say "do what you want" Then later if Im in bed or daydreaming the situation comes back in my mind and I say how could she do that why would she do this is this always going to happen. I wouldn’t do something I promised her that I wouldn’t do just bc my friends are around I also look at the person that disrespected me or did something I didn't like. If it is a stranger of an acquaintance then I don’t care but if it is someone close who I have respected and been giving to then i feel like I am being taken advantage of ." If I feel I am being taken advantage of or disrespected then internal consideration pops up.
--- End quote ---
Here's my 2 cents. You entered a relationship with someone not "in the Work". She is not working to become an awake and aware individual who considers others in their actions daily. Due to that, she is merely doing what any mechanical person does, one "I" says that she won't drink anymore, another "I" decides to have a drink when company arrives. This is par for the course in this world. You are not in a relationship with someone in the Work, so you can't have expectations that they will act anything but how a machine acts. Yes, you would not do things the way she does. But projecting your inner state onto her isn't very considerate either, is it? In a situation like this, communication is very important. It's good you do not call her out in front of her friends, but I don't see why you can't bring the topic up later for discussion, after your company leaves or the next day. At least you are making it known to her how her behavior affects you. But I don't think it does you any good to hold it in and stew on it. That isn't healthy and can lead to misdirected aggression on your part, holding a grudge for her "disrespect". It's not disrespect or her taking advantage of you, but a case of her being mechanical and the easy ability to fall back into old habits around friends and forget her pledge because of lack of awareness.
I don't think it's a situation where you want to rake her over the coals because of it though. I think a simple question would be sufficient, like "Why did you drink when you promised me you wouldn't?". If you have sincere questions about her actions, why not air them out instead of holding it inside, bottling it up until it bursts out? It doesn't do you any good to stew and project all these desires and motivations onto her that may have no relevance at all to the true issues. Like any relationship, communication is vital and it's hurting both you and her when you don't talk to her about how you're feeling.
Gertrudes:
--- Quote from: Menna on December 20, 2011, 03:34:05 AM ---aaron r - Honoring a commitment is also being true to yourself. I don't know what it is when you are not true to yourself to be true to yourself I think that is just doing what you want at that point.
Gertrudes - Yes later on i said you made a commitment to me to not drink I emotionaly shut down when you drink it hurts me because you made a promise.
I think I might externaly consider when I am rightfully being disrespected and that is when inner consideration comes up...Maybe im not sure...If I feel I have been wronged or something happens that I know I don't like that is when I try and externaly consider I might have to be more discerning in this and stand up for myself more.
--- End quote ---
Menna, after reading everyone else's responses something that had sort of passed me by became clearer to me, as a couple you are greatly affected by each others behavior and, in that sense, each party tends to gradually adapt his/her own behavior accordingly, for the better functioning as the couple as a unit. However, was committing to not drinking really her decision? Maybe it was, maybe it wasn't, because what you can expect from an induced/forced commitment, or from an heartfelt commitment are two entirely different results, not to mention the whole underlying dynamic.
I apologise for having led you astray with the last comment on my previous post about rightfully feeling disrespected :( which wasn't appropriate at all.
drazen:
You're attaching yourself to her promises and when it turns out that she is breaking them you are left disappointed. You are disappointed because you have your subjective beliefs and expectations of what is "right" or "wrong" which are not based on objectivity and can't let you truly and objectively discern. You wrote on forum already that she started smoking again behind your back and you were disappointed also like now, very similar situation.
You need different approach, but not on the same basis with all your prejudices of how she should behave to fill out your certain expectations. Maybe you need to let her BE who she is. Learn about yourself and review all your actions toward her or anyone else and try to SEE what 'dramas' are you playing and what is cause of your actions and also actions of others, but do this without prejudices. Step out from 'drama' and observe.
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