Esoterica > The Work

Must not be doing it right

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Gertrudes:

--- Quote from: Menna on December 20, 2011, 12:58:20 AM ---Lets say that my partner promissed me that they wouldn't have another sip of an alcoholic drink. They are good on this promise for a few months I don’t see it when it is just me and my partner there is no drinking. But when my partner has their friends over she says to me (in front of her friends)...I am going to have a drink and then does...At the time I want to say "No way you made a promise to me. i sacrifice so much for you and our relationship I keep my promises and now that your friends are around you want to go against me to do something with them break a promise." This is what I want to say but that is confrontation and puts my partner down in front of her friends." So instead I take a breath and say "do what you want" Then later if Im in bed or daydreaming the situation comes back in my mind and I say how could she do that why would she do this is this always going to happen. I wouldn’t do something I promised her that I wouldn’t do just bc my friends are around I also look at the person that disrespected me or did something I didn't like. If it is a stranger of an acquaintance then I don’t care but if it is someone close who I have respected and been giving to then i feel like I am being taken advantage of ." If I feel I am being taken advantage of or disrespected then internal consideration pops up.                                   

--- End quote ---

Menna,
Not saying anything when not appropriate doesn't necessarily mean that we can't, later and in private, discuss it. In many cases, particularly between couples, we have to wait for a more private moment in order to discuss problematic matters. Eventually discussing them is absolutely crucial though, it helps to keep the relationship clear and clean for both parties, and avoid second guessing. In this particular situation, did you actually talk with your partner afterwards?

Another thing to consider is that there's a difference between internal considering and rightfully feeling disrespected when we're abused in some way. Your partner broke a commitment, and in that sense it is understandable for you to feel disrespected, which is different, but not exclusive of, internal considering. I'm not sure of how her commitment came about though, as this can also shed a different light in the whole situation.

aaron r:
Maybe the actions are the person being true to themself rather than disrespecting you.

go2:

--- Quote from: Menna on December 19, 2011, 09:24:57 PM ---External Consideration. If an event happens or someone says something that I don't like sometimes I hold my tongue because I know that if I speak up or say something or point out another persons faults or what I didnt like about what they did it will hurt their feelings. I feel good in the moment when I spare them the hurt but then later when I go home I think about what has happened and then an emotion builds in me that makes it harder to think the event or what the person said clogs my mind. I then examin what happened and why that person did what they did and what could that mean? why did they do this? and so on. It is worse with the person or people closest to me. I don't want to hurt them so I wont react or say what I feel but then later on when I am alone I think about what happened. Ask myself why would they say or do that if they are thinking about or are considering me. My mind starts to obsess and ask questions. Can I live with this person? or be with that person if they are going to continue to make decisions like this or talk that way to me?

Any advice on how to better use this practice   

--- End quote ---

As I understand the concept internal consideration and external consideration, you are observing and describing internal consideration. You have turned your attention toward yourself and identified with your feelings and your thoughts. This is our self-importance.

It is the objective to shine the light of attention on the inner world, as a first step to change self.

A next step is to put self in an other person's shoes. We imagine we are the other person, with that person's life experience, expectations, and dreams. Then, we look at self as the other person sees us. This practice can be a powerful tool, seeing self from a different angle. Knowing self is a step toward the possibility of real change of self and its behavior.

I want to tell a short personal story illustrating external consideration and the power to change self..... The woman in my life would not speak to me, because I drank too much. So, I set up an imaginary conversation with her on the back deck. I would say my lines and then get up and go around the deck table, sit in her empty chair, and speak her lines across the table from (go2). I became her and saw self. Her point-of-view of (go2) was such a shock, that I quit drinking, let her go, and began the effort to change the self-important pathetic man I had seen across the table that afternoon. Only much later did I realize that was External Consideration. It is a powerful tool of self-development, as we must know self, before we can change self.

So, external consideration is not directly about judging or changing behavior towards others, although that is the indirect result of seeing self as it appears to another person.

Menna:
aaron r - Honoring a commitment is also being true to yourself. I don't know what it is when you are not true to yourself to be true to yourself I think that is just doing what you want at that point.

Gertrudes - Yes later on i said you made a commitment to me to not drink I emotionaly shut down when you drink it hurts me because you made a promise.

I think I might externaly consider when I am rightfully being disrespected and that is when inner consideration comes up...Maybe im not sure...If I feel I have been wronged or something happens that I know I don't like that is when I try and externaly consider I might have to be more discerning in this and stand up for myself more.   

Jones:
Menna, I don’t know if this will help or not.  But I do something similar to you.  There is a particular instance where I’ve had a bit of a shift recently and perhaps there is something in it for you.

We had my stepson move back in with us recently because we found him some work (involving a cross country move for him).  He has a computer gaming addiction and places his own entertainment over and above everything else which essentially means he is very lazy around the house/helping out with chores and generally taking responisibility for anything, including himself. 
Despite all that we were doing to help him out, he would still by any means available to him avoid helping.  I would get angry at him, but not say anything in order to not upset my partner who is still having a hard time seeing some of his behaviours for what they are, even though she is making some head way with this.  She is a mum who believes that she can fix him by bombing him with love, and rescuing him from the consequences of his actions or inactions.  The result of which was that she was frequently defending him or making excuses for him.

One night, I’d totally had enough.  After spending half a day helping him out with paperwork issues involving his move, he announced that he was going to bed (which basically means he’s going to play games on his phone) without helping out to clean up after dinner.  I had to release the anger so I went and got into the shower and started ranting at him.  I didn’t hold back and called him every vile name under the sun, under my breath so as not to disturb those that were sleeping.

A curious thing happened.  There is a particular pressure in my solar plexus when I am bottling anger sometimes.  As I ranted this pressure moved to my chest and as the pressure moved I found that I was no longer ranting at my stepson, but I was ranting at a different boy from long ago in my past when I was probably around seven years old and the adult who should have acted to prevent this situation from unfolding.  Its not that I’d forgotten this situation either, its more that there was a level on which I hadn’t connected it to an emotional charge if that makes sense.  While the circumstances of that long ago episode were different, there was the same sense of injustice that I was ranting at.  But at the same time, I was also ranting at myself...there was a recognition of the ways that I had created similar injustices for others both through ignorance and lack of external consideration.

Since then, although I can still get angry at my stepson, the anger doesn’t hold the same intensity of charge over me.  It is there in the moment and then gone, it doesn’t seem to carry over in my mind for later consideration.  Also, I feel that I am more likely to be able to actually say whats on my mind in the moment without worrying that the old bottled anger behind my words will be uncontrollable and lead to me saying things that I might later regret, like I can now state my case and do my best to be externally considerate of my partner at the same time. Or in other words, I’m not so totally consumed by the anger and at the same time trying to control it, like my focus is not intensified on that point, but is broader and can take more into consideration before I speak. Also there is no expectation that my words will change him, that he will be what he will be until he decides that he will be something different.

I believe that perhaps for the first time I felt love for him despite his self centredness but at the same time more comfortable in my own skin about setting my own boundaries about how I will allow him to affect me. 

In fact he recently moved out into his own flat and we both laughed about the fact that I wouldn’t miss living with him.  Our relationship is now more honest and accepting.
 
Having said all of the above, its a growth process and I wouldn’t say that I can’t slip back into the old pattern just yet.  But I do really like the sense of internal liberation that I’ve felt in regards to this situation.

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