Marriage

[lizzietreid]

That you felt "compelled to comment" is interesting.  You might want to read "The Adaptive Unconscious" thread in the psych section to better understand the reasons we make up for what happens to us, what we do, etc.  As my mother was wont to point out, making a baby is NOT a miracle. Critters of all sorts do it all the time; you do the wild thing and don't take precautions, that's what happens a good percentage of the time.  So there certainly ought to be more to the situation than just "oops!  I'm pregnant!  Must be intended/fated/meant to be!"

It is alot like with how people will mishandle money and their reasoning.

I felt compelled to comment on the fact that life's hardships are good for us and it is possible, even perhaps preferable, to rear children in such a world.  My background info was very glossy.  I do not pretend that my husband and I didn't act irresponsibly in the beginning.  We were incredibly young and stupid in lots of ways. But it led to a heck of a life education and our marriage is stronger for it too. (we hit 13 yrs in April)  I actually try to take great pains to recognize my hand in the  things that happen to me.  I hate victims who see trouble as happening to them and fail to see how they helped to bring it about.  At this point in my journey, I actually assume that I have brought all my misfortune upon myself in some way, period.  Then I try to figure out how and fix it.  I think we are ultimately the only ones responsible for our personal selves.  I am always learning the lesson to be more exact in my communication. 

[Gertrudes]

Just to let you all know that I haven't been much on the forum lately, and am anticipating that it may last for a while until my wedding next month, the 12th of August.
I have been catching up here and there, and to be honest I wasn't imagining that getting married the way we are, not many people and and nothing fancy, would occupy much of my time. Wrong! I have been very busy and will be for the next weeks.

I'm trying to still catch up, I feel a bit...I guess the word is "hollow", when I'm not keeping track here. Then I get irritated because I can't do everything! This is a serious pattern of mine, where I simply expect myself to be able to do everything, when I can't. Then I enter a loop that I'm still trying to name. It doesn't feel like self blame, but more like anger at myself and further pushing myself to do more. More irritability as a result and, you get the picture.
I've mentioned this pattern here and there a few times in other threads. I think it's time for me to just get on with it and seriously address it. It comes down to self expectations, and I suppose that if those are directed to self, they are likely leaching out to others.

I am enjoying every step of the process of preparing my wedding, but if I keep expecting myself to maintain my previous routine of spending as much time on the forum, working, plus preparing for the event, I will probably end up getting myself and my partner all worked up because of my subsequent irritability and frustration. I can't do everything! (talking to myself here)

As I said, just wanted to to let you all know what's happening.

[Gertrudes]

Forgot to add, after toying around with how to write my vows, I ended up deciding to use Michael Crichton's beautiful text On Love. It describes exactly what I wish for our relationship not to be, as well as what I wish it to be, and if anything, I vow to remember it.

I'm going to translate it and might edit it if I find the text to be too long to be read at the civil ceremony, and am planning to give guests a printed text of the full version should they wish to read it.

[Aiming]

I'm trying to still catch up, I feel a bit...I guess the word is "hollow", when I'm not keeping track here. Then I get irritated because I can't do everything! This is a serious pattern of mine, where I simply expect myself to be able to do everything, when I can't. Then I enter a loop that I'm still trying to name. It doesn't feel like self blame, but more like anger at myself and further pushing myself to do more. More irritability as a result and, you get the picture.
I've mentioned this pattern here and there a few times in other threads. I think it's time for me to just get on with it and seriously address it. It comes down to self expectations, and I suppose that if those are directed to self, they are likely leaching out to others.

Hi Gertrudes, and thanks for letting us know. I have a similar loop going on when I can't keep up with things related to the group, and I can also relate to feeling 'hollow' when not catching up with what's going on on the forum - something essential is simply missing. Having said that, do make sure to try and disengage from the pattern, and shifting down a gear, because I too think that this is likely going to affect you and your partner in ways which you might not want to stir up, especially during such an important event, the symbolic outer marriage of your already internally wedded state.

I know, the pattern you mentioned is within you, but just in case it helps somewhat: everybody here will understand. Preparing a wedding can be a lot of stress, so do take your time, do just what's in front of you, and maybe doing a few extra rounds of pipe breathing and the meditation will help.

Forgot to add, after toying around with how to write my vows, I ended up deciding to use Michael Crichton's beautiful text On Love. It describes exactly what I wish for our relationship not to be, as well as what I wish it to be, and if anything, I vow to remember it.

I'm going to translate it and might edit it if I find the text to be too long to be read at the civil ceremony, and am planning to give guests a printed text of the full version should they wish to read it.

This sounds really good and I wish you guys a wonderful marriage. If I may ask, are you also planning to incorporate other symbolic gestures, like washing each others' feet?

Take care!

[dugdeep]

I don't know how I missed this thread before! Gertrudes, congratulations!!!

Remember that the forum will still be here when your life returns to some semblance of normalcy (whatever that means ), so try not to stress too much over 'missing' things. Do what you can - you're not superwoman!

Congratz again and all the best in your future together! 

[voyageur]

Forgot to add, after toying around with how to write my vows, I ended up deciding to use Michael Crichton's beautiful text On Love. It describes exactly what I wish for our relationship not to be, as well as what I wish it to be, and if anything, I vow to remember it.

I'm going to translate it and might edit it if I find the text to be too long to be read at the civil ceremony, and am planning to give guests a printed text of the full version should they wish to read it.

Think this linked text as vows is important to remember, too. Enjoy your life together. 

[Breton]

Forgot to add, after toying around with how to write my vows, I ended up deciding to use Michael Crichton's beautiful text On Love. It describes exactly what I wish for our relationship not to be, as well as what I wish it to be, and if anything, I vow to remember it.

I'm going to translate it and might edit it if I find the text to be too long to be read at the civil ceremony, and am planning to give guests a printed text of the full version should they wish to read it.

That is an awesome idea!
I found that essay extremely insightful myself.
I always keep it mind if I ever think about relationships. I have no idea if I will ever be in a relationship, but this principle I think must be at the core, or else it is just like any other relationship based on need, on getting, and it is just not worth it to me.

Your experiences have been enlightening and encouraging. Thanks for sharing.

[Prodigal Son]

...
I have been catching up here and there, and to be honest I wasn't imagining that getting married the way we are, not many people and and nothing fancy, would occupy much of my time. Wrong! I have been very busy and will be for the next weeks.
...
I am enjoying every step of the process of preparing my wedding, but if I keep expecting myself to maintain my previous routine of spending as much time on the forum, working, plus preparing for the event, I will probably end up getting myself and my partner all worked up because of my subsequent irritability and frustration. I can't do everything! (talking to myself here)

As you are already finding out, there are plenty of opportunities for 'Work' in preparing for your wedding. 

You may like to just to just enjoy the whole process of preparing for, and getting married - that's a one-off - the rest will wait and be will still be there for you after the wedding.  Concentrate on enjoying the whole process and let whatever happens happen, making the wedding activities the 'conscious' focus of your attentions, and let the unconscious take care of the rest - thus maximising the use of both System 1 and System 2 of the brain. 

Just have fun in the process.   

[Gertrudes]

Having said that, do make sure to try and disengage from the pattern, and shifting down a gear, because I too think that this is likely going to affect you and your partner in ways which you might not want to stir up, especially during such an important event, the symbolic outer marriage of your already internally wedded state.

You are so right. Reading what you wrote made me decide to also write some vows for myself about which aspects in my behaviour towards him I wish to change, which to maintain, which to enhance. I may even give him my writtings to read since it is in the name of our relationship I will be vowing for.

Because I feel that familiar feeling of being fully engaged in something, but at the same time becoming frantic, coming to surface, I have been writting daily tasks of things I want to observe, do, think, learn. I'm not being extremely successful in doing all of them everyday, but I must say that it has been very insightful and helped me change my behaviour on some occasions. So those vows are definitely in order.

Preparing a wedding can be a lot of stress, so do take your time, do just what's in front of you, and maybe doing a few extra rounds of pipe breathing and the meditation will help.

Will do 

This sounds really good and I wish you guys a wonderful marriage. If I may ask, are you also planning to incorporate other symbolic gestures, like washing each others' feet?

Take care!

No, we haven't planned anything since we don't yet have anything of which we either know the meaning, such as washing each others' feet, or that means something to us. We are planning to wake up outrageously early on the wedding day, I'll lead a gentle exercise class for us to do together, and then EE without Baha. He's very much up to it, but I'm not telling him that I suspect he may not be able to since he's much less of a morning bird then I am 

Do what you can - you're not superwoman!

  Funny you should say that, the words superwoman and Tarzan have been crossing my mind....

the rest will wait and be will still be there for you after the wedding.

(bold mine) I know that in my head but not in my actions. It's so frustrating! This is a reoccurring theme.

Concentrate on enjoying the whole process and let whatever happens happen

(bold mine) Ok, I promise I'll do my best.

Thank you ALL for the good wishes! It really warms the heart 

[Mrs. Tigersoap]

Congratulations, Gertrudes! 

[herondancer]

Congratulations here too!  It will be such a special day, as both of you have worked long and hard (in every sense of the word ) to get there.  If it's not too much to ask, I hope you will post a few pics so we can celebrate with you. 

[Iron]

Only catched this thread now Gertrudes.
You re an example for me, a younger poster, of all the right reasoning of why marry.
I wish to you and your soon to be husband all the happiness that the universe has to offer!

[Soluna]

Congratulations Gertrudes =)

Thank you for linking that passage in regards to your vows - it has made me examine my own relationship more closely, and especially the emotions linked with it.
I greatly admire that you are trying to incorporate so much clear thinking, common sense and real love into your relationship (from what I have read so far!). Thank you for sharing your experience - I find it heart warming and reassuring.

I hope your special day will be one whose memory you will both treasure, and that you carry on as you start out meaning to - and that your love continues to grow.

[Alana]

I hope your special day will be one whose memory you will both treasure, and that you carry on as you start out meaning to - and that your love continues to grow.

... and grow you both May you have a great day, and a fulfilling life together, Gertrudes 

Congratulations here too!  It will be such a special day, as both of you have worked long and hard (in every sense of the word ) to get there.  If it's not too much to ask, I hope you will post a few pics so we can celebrate with you. 

I agree! 

[Gertrudes]

Thank you for linking that passage in regards to your vows - it has made me examine my own relationship more closely, and especially the emotions linked with it.

Yes, I've been examining my relationship more closely as well, but more as a direct result of my unconscious actions. This quote from Puzzle really hit it deep for me:

do make sure to try and disengage from the pattern, and shiftiing down a gear, because I too think that this is likely going to affect you and your partner in ways which you might not want to stir up

I already knew that I can't just let my stress leach out the way 'it' wants to when I'm very busy, but now this understanding has gained a whole new level for me. What I am doing now is the seed of what I'll collect in the future, as simple as that. When this thought hit me, really hit me, I noticed subtle changes in my relationships with others.
I had a dream 2 days ago that I think is directly related to this, although I'm not very sure of its meaning. Over the past 2 years I've had several of what I call house dreams that are described at another thread. They always either follow or precur insightful realizations.

This time I dreamt that I had moved into a new house. It was huge, and had plenty of rooms. I didn't  get to see all of them, neither all the floors. I only saw the ground floor. The rooms were impeccably clean and ready for us to move into, the only thing they had, and I find this very interesting, were mirrors. In fact, the house had many mirrors, which were also impeccably clean. There was one room next to what would be our bedroom that had a gigantic mirror covering entirely one of its walls, the one right in front of the door. Again, the mirror was spotless.

I don't know...maybe this is a symbol of how taking this step in our relationship will further help to mirror our actions even more then before? Any ideas are welcomed.

You re an example for me, a younger poster, of all the right reasoning of why marry.

Thank you Iron, I do hope I'm marrying for the right reasons. It feels very right inside, but I am well (and often painfully) aware that I have a long way ahead in improving my role within our relationship. Maybe that's what this is about, it isn't perfect and there is no such thing, but you're always striving to be better, and being so close to someone really is a direct mirror of yourself, so you get LOTS of opportunities for doing some Work!

If it's not too much to ask, I hope you will post a few pics so we can celebrate with you. 

Will do, but probably not in this thread 

Today is our 7th year anniversary, although our friendship dates back to 1998, so we're preparing a nice dinner to be eaten soon.

Thank you again everyone, your support means a lot to me