egzopolityka, you've been given very valuable feedback. If you read through the material suggested by Daenerys, you'll be able to have great insights and work toward productive coping mechanisms.
The paper on Existential Depression could be very helpful indeed. Many of us here on the forum have the characteristics of "gifted/sensitive" people and is probably the reason we ended up finding these resources here.
This excerpt from the above paper:
When their intensity is combined with multi-potentiality—giftedness in several areas—these youngsters may also become frustrated with the existential limitations of space and time. Although they try to cram 27 hours worth of living into a 24-hour day, there simply isn’t enough time to develop all of the talents and interests that they may have. They have to make choices, but the choices among so many possibilities feel unfair because they seem arbitrary; there is no "ultimately right" choice. Choosing a college major or a vocation is difficult when one is trying to make a decision between passion and talent in areas as diverse as violin, genetics, theoretical mathematics, and international relations. How can one be all that one can be? In truth, one cannot be all that one “could” be in every area. This realization can be very frustrating.
The reaction of gifted youngsters (again with intensity) to these frustrations is often one of a righteous indignation—they feel, “It isn’t right!” or “It isn’t fair!” But they quickly discover that their anger is futile; they realize that it is ineffective when directed at "fate" or at other circumstances which they are not able to control.
Was very relevant to what I went through in high school, college, and just after college graduation. I changed course in what I wanted to study and pursue as a career several times. I had disintegration experiences as a child, a teenager, and in my 20's -- the most intense one. In my 20's as I graduated college, I had such an intense disintegration experience, in combination of existential depression that it's hard to describe. It was the only time that I had a major depressive episode that lasted about 1 year -- with around 8 months of it being unbearably intense.
I contemplated suicide somewhat, but never in a concrete way of planning anything. I just wouldn't have minded "turning out the lights" or going to sleep one day and not waking up the next morning -- just dying in my sleep. Coming out of that experience was only possible by fumbling my way with some of the positive coping mechanisms mentioned in the paper. I've been struggling ever since to find myself in the overall scheme of things.
All these experiences are a major reason I ended up here on this forum -- I could say finally found my way home. Here, I've had the most amount of growing in my life from my interactions (and experiences of others on the forum). It really helps to leave behind the narcissistic coping mechanisms that no longer work and hold us back from further growth. It is possible to do with this network.
As was mentioned, checking out doesn't solve anything in terms of learning our lessons. If you are really struggling with suicidal thoughts, also as mentioned, it would be best to get some professional help. Then, once you've stabilized, you can decide if you want to take advantage of all the great resources here to continue on the path of learning and growing. It really helps to snap out of the focus of your own suffering and use conscious suffering for a greater good -- your own learning, growth and development, so that you can be of greater service to others. Good luck on your journey.
ADDED: Just saw Oxajil's post. Very good points -- especially not anticipating specific outcomes -- trying to get to a point where you do what's in you to do WITHOUT anticipation of any outcomes. FWIW.