The situation at home calmed down a little bit. I understand their feelings and I won't undertake any other actions. I did more than enough already. Thinking, reading and meditating it over before acting is my next step.
Fortunately a friend pulled me out of my ''misery''. Listened to me and encouraged me. She spoke to me about her own discoveries and it helped to get me back on track. I didn't really wanted to come back to here. Not because of discouraging or rebuking words (because they aren't), but because I lost my will of continuing with the work.
Yesterday, while I was reading in ISOTM it struck me. What is my aim? what are the excuses of doing things that do not strive this aim? My ultimate aim is to gain knowledge and increase my being, thus my understanding. Though I probably adjust this aim or deepen it while my understanding grows.
My excuse of doing something I 'ought' not to was that I wanted to loose my safety net. There was always a part of me that said: "You can always go back to where you came from. It is not too late, don't you want a quite and peacefull life?" At one point I got so annoyed with myself, that I decided to expose myself to my parents in order to shut myself up. That was my excuse to do things that I 'ought' not to do.
I understand that now.
Also, as Gurdjieff said, "Sincerity with everyone is a weakness."
What Gurdjieff mean with this statement? In what context? I tough to be sincere is a good attitude. Now I am lost. Why it is a weakness to be sincere with everyone? Can I read something about it?
It's just not very protective of the emerging self to lay it out on the altar when it is fragile and vulnerable.
One can be sincere within and remain well guarded from without. I wish that didn't sound like a cliche'. I don't claim anything beyond what I understand, which is limited.
"Sincerity with everyone" to me, at my current awareness, is kind of dangerous, even brash. Not well advised. Others here can explain this better than me!
I became very aware of this fact, after contemplating about the whole situation. The reason why I came back to my sense is that my friend was there for me. If she wasn't I would probably still be in the "I don't want to do anything at all" mindset.
maybe reading to them Khalil Gibran's poem On Children would make them understand, if they are really Christians...
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.
Thank you lux12, I really like this poem.