Cassiopaean Sandbox > Tickle Me
Jokes
HowToBe:
:lol: I'll have to remember some of those!
Jerry:
More jokes -
--- Quote ---A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.
After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.
While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.
"Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!" "Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."
--- End quote ---
--- Quote ---On April Fools Day, a mother put a fire cracker under the pancakes. She blew her stack.
--- End quote ---
--- Quote ---There were 3 men who died and before God would let them into heaven, he gave them a chance to come back as anything they wanted.
The first guy said: "I want to come back as myself, but 100 times smarter.” So God made him 100 times smarter.
The second guy said: "I want to be better than that guy, make me 1000 times smarter. “ So God made him 1000 times smarter.
The last guy decided he would be the best. So he said: "God, make me better than both of them, make me 1,000,000 times smarter. “
So God made him a woman!!
--- End quote ---
--- Quote ---Sign in restaurant window: "Eat now - Pay waiter."
--- End quote ---
--- Quote ---A man runs to the doctor and says, "Doctor, you've got to help me. My wife thinks she's a chicken!"
The doctor asks, "How long has she had this condition?"
"Two years," says the man.
"Then why did it take you so long to come and see me?" asked the shrink.
The man shrugs his shoulders and replies, "We needed the eggs."
--- End quote ---
--- Quote ---A friend got some vinegar in his ear, now he suffers from pickled hearing.
--- End quote ---
--- Quote ---A man phones a doctor and says, "Doctor, you've got to help me, I’m shrinking!”
“Well,” says the doctor, “you’ll just have to be a little patient.”
--- End quote ---
--- Quote ---A Catholic Priest in the dentist’s chair says: “What do I owe you Doc?”
“You being a man of the cloth,” answers the dentist, “It’s my policy to consider this a charity.”
A few days later five rosaries arrive in the mail.
Then a Protestant Minister has some dental work done and asks: “What do I owe you Doc?”
“You being a man of the cloth,” says the dentist, “It’s my policy to consider this a charity.”
A few days later five bibles arrive in the mail.
Then a Rabbi visits the office and after his tooth is fixed he also asks: “What do I owe you Doc?”
“You being a man of the cloth,” says the dentist, “It’s my policy to consider this a charity.”
A few days later five Rabbis arrive . . .
--- End quote ---
SeekinTruth:
:lol:
Jerry:
Rodney Dangerfield - November 22, 1921 – October 5, 2004
--- Quote ---Last week I told my psychiatrist, "I keep thinking about suicide." He told me from now on I have to pay in advance.
I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back!
I tell ya, my wife was never nice. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek - she bent over!
Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt because he leaves a pyramid in every room.
With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.
What a dog I got. His favorite bone is in my arm!
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."
When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.
My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the Fruit of the Loom guys laughing at me.
A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over. There's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home!
I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."
I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told him once, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me? He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."
My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him, "If you don't mind, I'd like a second opinion." He said, "All right. You're ugly too!"
When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look, twins!"
--- End quote ---
bngenoh:
:rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :lol2: :lol2: :lol2:
"I wish the bear was gay, turned into a box of chocolates, wait a minute Jimmy, 5 rabbi's arrive, wait till it gets warmer, nobody was home." Absolutely priceless.
:lol: :lol: :lol: Keep em coming if you have more. :lol: :lol: :lol:
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