9/11: The Ultimate Truth now available on Kindle!
A rabbi walks into a bar with a frog on his head. “Where’d you get that?” asks the bartender.The frog says: “In Brooklyn, there’s a million of ‘em.”
If there is H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is on the outside?K9P.
One day in the great forest a magical frog was walking down to a water hole. This forest was so big that the frog had never seen another animal in all his life. By chance today a bear was chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner. The frog called for the two to stop.The frog said "Because you are the only two animals I have seen, I will grant you both three wishes... Bear, you go first."The bear thought for a minute, and being the male he was, said "I wish for all the bears in this forest, besides me, to be female."For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and immediately put it on. The bear was amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit, wasting his wish like that.It was the bear's second turn for a wish. "Well, I wish that all the bears in the next forest were female as well."Rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it and gunned the engine. The bear was shocked that the rabbit was asking for these stupid things, after all, he could have asked for money and bought the motorcycle.For the last wish the bear thought for awhile and then said, "I wish that all the bears in the world, besides me, were female."The rabbit grinned, gunned the engine, and said "I wish that the bear was gay..."
Why is duct tape like "The Force"?Because it has a Light side and a Dark side and it holds the Universe together.
A man is walking down the beach and comes across an old bottle. He picks it up, pulls out the cork and out pops a genie.The genie says, "Thank you for freeing me from the bottle. In return I will grant you three wishes."The man says "Great! I always dreamed of this and I know exactly what I want. First, I want one billion dollars in a Swiss bank account." Poof! There is a flash of light and a piece of paper with account numbers appears in his hand. He continues, "Next, I want a brand new red Ferrari right here." Poof! There is a flash of light and a bright red brand-new Ferrari appears right next to him. He continues, "Finally, I want to be irresistible to women." Poof!There is a flash of light and he turns into a box of chocolates.
Little Jimmy was laying about on a hill in the middle of a meadow on a warm spring day. Puffy white clouds rolled by and he pondered their shape.Soon, he began to think about God."God? Are you really there?" Jimmy said out loud.To his astonishment a voice came from the clouds. "Yes, Jimmy? What can I do for you?"Seizing the opportunity, Jimmy asked, "God? What is a million years like to you?"Knowing that Jimmy could not understand the concept of infinity, God responded in a manner to which Jimmy could relate. "A million years to me, Jimmy, is like a minute.""Oh," said Jimmy. "Well, then, what's a million dollars like to you?""A million dollars to me, Jimmy, is like a penny.""Wow!" remarked Jimmy, getting an idea. "You're so generous...can I have one of your pennies?"God replied, "Sure thing, Jimmy! Just a minute. . ."
Why did the frog go to the hospital?He needed a "hopperation"!
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money."Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!" "Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."
On April Fools Day, a mother put a fire cracker under the pancakes. She blew her stack.
There were 3 men who died and before God would let them into heaven, he gave them a chance to come back as anything they wanted. The first guy said: "I want to come back as myself, but 100 times smarter.” So God made him 100 times smarter. The second guy said: "I want to be better than that guy, make me 1000 times smarter. “ So God made him 1000 times smarter. The last guy decided he would be the best. So he said: "God, make me better than both of them, make me 1,000,000 times smarter. “So God made him a woman!!
Sign in restaurant window: "Eat now - Pay waiter."
A man runs to the doctor and says, "Doctor, you've got to help me. My wife thinks she's a chicken!"The doctor asks, "How long has she had this condition?""Two years," says the man."Then why did it take you so long to come and see me?" asked the shrink.The man shrugs his shoulders and replies, "We needed the eggs."
A friend got some vinegar in his ear, now he suffers from pickled hearing.
A man phones a doctor and says, "Doctor, you've got to help me, I’m shrinking!”“Well,” says the doctor, “you’ll just have to be a little patient.”
A Catholic Priest in the dentist’s chair says: “What do I owe you Doc?” “You being a man of the cloth,” answers the dentist, “It’s my policy to consider this a charity.”A few days later five rosaries arrive in the mail.Then a Protestant Minister has some dental work done and asks: “What do I owe you Doc?” “You being a man of the cloth,” says the dentist, “It’s my policy to consider this a charity.”A few days later five bibles arrive in the mail.Then a Rabbi visits the office and after his tooth is fixed he also asks: “What do I owe you Doc?” “You being a man of the cloth,” says the dentist, “It’s my policy to consider this a charity.”A few days later five Rabbis arrive . . .
Last week I told my psychiatrist, "I keep thinking about suicide." He told me from now on I have to pay in advance.I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back!I tell ya, my wife was never nice. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek - she bent over!Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt because he leaves a pyramid in every room.With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.What a dog I got. His favorite bone is in my arm!My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the Fruit of the Loom guys laughing at me.A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over. There's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home!I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told him once, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me? He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him, "If you don't mind, I'd like a second opinion." He said, "All right. You're ugly too!"When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look, twins!"
Keep em coming if you have more.
A scientist in a small obscure country calls his assistant, asking him to come to his office.“I’m glad you called me Professor, I’ve been concerned about you working day and night alone for over a month. What’s this about?”“I want you to be the first to hear of the great deed I’m about to accomplish. As you well know, our country is often the subject of ridicule within the global scientific community, having never contributed anything significant. Well, my project is now complete. We will be the first to put a man on the sun.”“I beg your pardon Professor, with all due respect that’s impossible, everyone knows the sun’s heat will turn any spaceship to protoplasm before getting anywhere near it.”“That’s where my genius is revealed, you see, we will go at night!”
A duck walks into a bar. And he says to the bartender "Got any grapes?" The bartender says "No, I don’t have any grapes." The duck walks out, sorely disappointed.So the next day, he walks back into the bar, asks the same question, gets the same answer.The day after, he walks back into the bar, and again, asks the bartender, "Do you have any grapes?" The bartender, having still not figured out why this duck seems to think he may have some grapes, says to the duck, "No, and if you come back in here tomorrow and ask me if I have any grapes, I will nail your bill to the bar!"The duck frowns, turns around, and walks out of the bar. So the next day, the duck walks back into the bar, and asks the bartender "Got any nails?"The bartender says, "No."So the duck says, "Got any grapes?"
Old man Moskowitz was getting along in years. He decided to retire and let his 3 sons run the company (which manufactured a wide variety of nails). The sons thought they could increase market-share with some judicious billboard advertising. Only a week later the old man was taking his usual Sunday drive in the country when he saw the first billboard ad. There it was - a picture of Christ on the Cross, with the caption:"Nails for Every Purpose. Use Moskowitz Nails." The old man immediately met with his 3 sons to voice his concern. He explained that the backlash could be horrendous. The company could be ruined. The sons agreed to discontinue that ad. A week later the old man was again taking his usual Sunday drive when he saw the second billboard ad. There it was - - a picture of the same cross, empty, with Christ crumpled on the ground below... and the caption:"Next Time Use Moskowitz Nails."
A jumper cable walks into a bar, and the bartender says, “Don’t start anything.”
The main course at the big civic dinner was baked ham with glazed sweet potatoes. Rabbi Cohen regretfully shook his head when the platter was passed to him. "When," scolded Father Kelly playfully, "are you going to forget that silly rule of yours and eat ham like the rest of us?" Without skipping a beat, Rabbi Cohen replied: "At your wedding reception, Father Kelly."
A man walks into a bar in his hospital gown, orders a pint of Smithwick's and a double scotch. Having downed them in 5 minutes he asked for the same again.As he drained the last drops of the scotch he said to the bartender, "I shouldn't be drinking this with what I've got." The bartender stood back, alarmed, and asked "What have you got?" "50 cents" said the patient.
The rabbit grinned, gunned the engine, and said "I wish that the bear was gay