Mother and Narcissist Son?

[Mommabeans]

How does a mother cut ties with the (as far as I know undiagnosed, but I suspect he actually has been but won't tell) Narcissistic and/or Psychopathic Personality Disordered son that she loves?   Is there anyway that she can carry on a successful relationship with him and his children after he has turned everyone in his camp against her?  He lies and tweaks the truth, calls her names and her other children, his siblings, vile names, makes physical threats of violence against them or just hints at hit, like, "If you were standing in front of me right now, I'd slap the ....out of you."   He attacks with such ferociousness at the slightest movement that isn't in complete compliance or adoration of him.   Is the relationship repairable in any way, even in the tiniest?  Or does she just have to completely divorce herself from him?   Does she have to make herself not love him anymore, not care for him?  Can she continue to care about him but refuse all contact with him and his camp(even if it means another of her children who avoids his abuse against her by bowing down to him)?    And how does she avoid any ill feelings towards that other child who coddles and validates the Narcissist to her mother's detriment, justifying and validating his abuse of her and others just to save her own skin?   Is any of this possible?   Please help! 

Thanks in advance.

[herondancer]

Hi Mommabeans,

What a sad situation.  There's plenty of material on the forum you can access with the search function in the upper right of the page.  You can use search terms like narcissism, psychopathy, etc.

It's customary for new members to introduce themselves on the Newbies board.  We like to get to know new folks a little bit, and how they found the Forum.  You can look at a few of the other posts to see how it's done.

 

[lake_george]

Dear Mommabeans,

The situation as you describe it sounds very very sad.

You have a duty to yourself to protect yourself from abuse, but I think it is important to speak with a professional personally about your particular situation before you do anything any differently.   He has made threats to hurt you.  If you start standing up for yourself, he may be incited to actually hurt you -- so you might need to find out your options - such as a restraining order, or maybe recording his threats to have evidence - before you actually change what you are doing.  A therapist, a shelter for abused women, even law enforcement - would be places to start in finding out what your options are before you change anything.  But you really do need to PROTECT yourself - just have a plan before you change anything.

About your feelings -- Right now it does not matter what your feelings are - you need to protect yourself.  This will go against your feelings.  But with time and work on yourself and more knowledge it will become easier to know you are doing the right thing to PROTECT yourself.   You can still love him even after you take steps to protect yourself - but it will be from compassion that he is how he is, and also knowing that continuing to allow him to abuse you only reinforces his sickness.

Best wishes to you Mommabeans.

[Meager1]

Just to throw out a couple of thoughts..

I don`t understand how a mother could ever not, love her child. No matter what they do.

My older son was much the same as the child in your description, and I had so much grief from him that I threw him out of my house on several occasions. Once in the dead of winter.

He lived in a tent in the woods, trying to unthaw frozen meat over an open fire.

Other times he lived at the hunting lodge, other times he went to jail.

Through it all, I never stopped loving him, or caring about him, though I wished and prayed that he could be different then he was.

 One of the problems he faces is alcoholism, and when he is drunk he can get mean at the slightest provocation. He has gotten arrested for assault and battery many times.
Drunk driving, etc, you name the misdemeanor and he`s pretty much done it.
However, I never could just, not love him, or give up.
He still says mean things when he`s drunk, but he has mellowed out a lot over the past few years and has been my best and true mirror when he criticizes me, and he still does that on occasion.
 
Most of the time what he says, or has been angry about, is true!
 
And when many things that have bothered him finally came out and we talked it over, it got better between us.
He`s not perfect, but neither am I.
He has been seriously wounded in the past, by me too.

Some of his pain I knew about, or suspected, some of it I had no idea, until he finally confided in me. Our relationship isn`t perfect, and might never be perfect, but it`s gotten a lot better.
One thing I am certain of though, is that he has heart.

He tries to hide that behind the tough and bad exterior, but it`s there.
Maybe the child you describe has hidden wounds like my son does, and maybe if the mother stops thinking she`s a perfect mother, and honestly listens to what is being said, things might slowly change in that situation, as well? 
But if not, then I agree with what the others have advised, and protection against assalt or whatever else might come, would be in order there.