Hello, dear friends. I am adding two new spreads. One is the revision of the "Bambi" episode and one is the introduction to the story. I diligently went back and reread everyone's suggestions and incorporated much of it into the set up. There is yet much to do, so I will quietly continue. My education is the archives here about diet and health and I thank everyone who has contributed there and here. The real MEAT of the story is yet to materialize, but it will.
I think there is a typo between "mammoths" and "He." Is there a space between "mammoths" and the period? Also, I think "The" in "The Stone Age" would not be capitalized. It might be lower-case like when you typed "the Paleolithic Age."
modified for typo ....Sheeesh!
To me it also looks like if the mama is speaking softly, there would not be exclamation marks after this sentence: "Softly Mama spoke: Be calm little one!!"
Also, do you need quotes between "cat is hungry." "Please join us?" It seems the mom is still speaking so there is no need for them.
Adding another page. Closer to discussing what's good or bad about modern diets vs Paleo in the next scenes.
"None of those refined sugars or dairy or processed products were for us!"
I think this sentence would sound more grammatically correct if it was written, "None of those refined sugars, dairy or processed products were for us!"
Also, the separate paragraphs with the quote confuse me a bit, but I figured out that it was still Teela's mom. Maybe combining the entire quote to one paragraph would work better?
"Little Teela fell on the floor and started laughing when her Mom reached the part about her Dad..." I think that "mom" and "dad" would not be capitalized in this sentence. I think they are only to be capitalized when they are the name, like, "I love you, Mom," as opposed to, "she loves her
And another set of pages.
Is "Garden" to be capitalized here? Not sure, but don't think so. If it was being named "the Garden of Eden" I would think so, but the way it is written, I think not.
Also, in the second paragraph it sounds like the mom is speaking, but only in the first part of it. Perhaps, "So when it came to...Nothing was wasted" could be in quotes with the mom talking?
I am not in need of praise but objective criticism of the text in relation to the Paleo Diet to get it right. I'm writing this as I go along, and God knows, I'm not a writer but an illustrator. If anyone has constructive opinions for improvement I would appreciate that.
As an example: "Too much sugar" should probably be ANY sugar. But I don't want to get into complex information from cave mom how the brain needs glucose but not high fructose. Any suggestions?
"We also add, fish, nuts, herbs, and fruits" seems more accurate than all the "and" words.
"What about sugar. Do you have sugar?" -I think it could be "Polly asked" and then in the response by Mama Paleo it could be "answered Mama Paleo."
Have you considered using italics instead of all caps on some of your words that you have in all caps currently, NewOrleans? Just another thought. I might be wrong about some of this and might have also missed something, just to let you know.
If you want to post the text I can ask my mother to get out her "red marker" and help with it. She proof-read my papers when I was in college and that is how I was able to get A+s. I just know it! Well let me know and hope this helps you out here. Great job so far, by the way!!! You seem very fast with making art and getting a story together, IMO.