Does the body store physical pain from childhood?

[Mariama]

I am not entirely sure if I can post my question here, but I could really use some assistance.

Ever since I asked my ex to leave and working through the emotions of betrayal I sensed there was a deeper betrayal that I should address. I knew more or less the facts already, but could not access my feelings. The fact that I could link the betrayal of my ex to the betrayal of my caregivers has helped tremendously. But at the same time my body has tensed up these past few months and it only seems to be getting worse. So I am in a lot of pain at times. Some of these pains I have had before. In my neck, my head and my back and (rarely) in my left ear. The pains can be pretty sharp.

According to my dreams and snippets of memory I was kicked down the stairs once and I suspect that these pains have to do with the fall. But I also think that I was admitted to the emergency room once (or twice). At least that is what again my dreams have been telling me and a memory came up once while watching an episode of ER.

I am wondering now whether these pains are telling me something or whether my body is still trying to protect me by tensing up, so that I won't feel anything else.
I am beginning to develop a frozen shoulder. And it seems, as if the other shoulder is following suit.
I read in Peter Levine's book that a frozen shoulder can tell a whole story on its own (the firefighter developed a frozen shoulder after having witnessed a traumatic accident).

I once woke up with some severe pressure on my chest and when that subsided it felt as if my lower body was being split in half, around the area of my anus. The pain was excruciating and I thought I was going to die. But then I started cursing my father (this all happened unconsciously as far as I can remember) and subsequently I burst into tears. The pain miraculously disappeared.

So that is why I am wondering whether my body is telling me something.
The pain sends me into a state of panic and I feel like a child again. I see her sobbing in my mind's eye and the child that I was just wants to end it all. Which I can thorougly understand. Not that I want to end it all. I want to get through this. It has taken me at least 12 years to get to this point. And I had to experience some serious betrayal, before I could even access this deeper betrayal.

Has any one of you ever experienced old pain, so to speak? Is it possible?

I am doing EE, the FIR blanket and I am on almost zero carbs. And since yesterday I have cut back on protein (60 grammes now). But I have only recently begun to drink some broth.
Next week I will have an appointment with a dentist, so that my amalgam fillings can be removed (one by one).

Thanks for listening. This is already a load of my mind.

[Mrs. Peel]

So that is why I am wondering whether my body is telling me something.
The pain sends me into a state of panic and I feel like a child again. I see her sobbing in my mind's eye and the child that I was just wants to end it all. Which I can thorougly understand. Not that I want to end it all. I want to get through this. It has taken me at least 12 years to get to this point. And I had to experience some serious betrayal, before I could even access this deeper betrayal.

Has any one of you ever experienced old pain, so to speak? Is it possible?

I believe Rolfing has been discussed as a way to release old traumas from the body.   

[parallel]

Hi Mariama
It's good to hear about your life's progress and improvements.

I haven't experienced old pain but see it as entirely possible, just thinking of Levine's premise that trauma is frozen energy that hasn't been allowed it's movement of release- why could this movement not still be associated to that old nerve configuration. I've experienced the subtle twitching and tenseness in (to me formerly unacquainted) involuntary muscle layers, while being pendulated to the moment of immobilization during a Somatic Experiencing session. It was not so much of an experience of one incident but a series of immobilized body-memories that could be nudged and somewhat released by just allowing the feeling of these hidden postures.

I am wondering now whether these pains are telling me something or whether my body is still trying to protect me by tensing up, so that I won't feel anything else.
I am beginning to develop a frozen shoulder. And it seems, as if the other shoulder is following suit.

To me the bolded sounds like the same thing, a story to take notice of. Maybe it would be worth considering a SE coach, to gently guide you through a release.

[Prodigal Son]

Hi Mariama

I think parallel has pretty much said what needs saying.  And, there are SE coaches in Europe, just search the web for SE and you'll find the one closest to you.  Highly recommended doing the exercises too in all of Levine's books. 

This may help, or not. 

[Jazper]

Mariama, I haven't posted in a long time, but couldn't resist sharing with you an experience I had several years ago.  I did the full spectrum (10 at that time) of Rolfing sessions back in the 80s with no obvious release of anything, emotionally or otherwise, even though that was the intent of my doing the sessions.  Seven or eight years later, I rolled a Corvette and experienced minor injuries, including whiplash.  When I felt I could stand to have anyone touch around my neck, I went and received my first massage.  The therapist gently worked my neck and shoulders then did a long slow Effleurage stroke up the back of my left leg.  Her gentle touch released for me what none of the Rolfing sessions had -- the memory and instant re-creation of the way I felt the last time my father had punished me with a belt when I was 16 years old.  I felt the shame and intense feeling of my worthlessness as he was lashing my legs with his belt.

I immediately burst into tears and let those feelings flow through me.  My interpretation of this has always been that the gentle, loving touch of the massage therapist allowed me to release what I feel was stored in my muscles (and, in bodywork, that is called "state dependent memory release").  I later became a massage therapist and had several experiences over the 14 years I practiced with others' releases of stored emotions.

I wish you a gentle, loving journey in your releasing and processing anything which still encumbers you.

Judy

[truth seeker]

Mariama, I haven't posted in a long time, but couldn't resist sharing with you an experience I had several years ago.  I did the full spectrum (10 at that time) of Rolfing sessions back in the 80s with no obvious release of anything, emotionally or otherwise, even though that was the intent of my doing the sessions.  Seven or eight years later, I rolled a Corvette and experienced minor injuries, including whiplash.  When I felt I could stand to have anyone touch around my neck, I went and received my first massage.  The therapist gently worked my neck and shoulders then did a long slow Effleurage stroke up the back of my left leg.  Her gentle touch released for me what none of the Rolfing sessions had -- the memory and instant re-creation of the way I felt the last time my father had punished me with a belt when I was 16 years old.  I felt the shame and intense feeling of my worthlessness as he was lashing my legs with his belt.

I immediately burst into tears and let those feelings flow through me.  My interpretation of this has always been that the gentle, loving touch of the massage therapist allowed me to release what I feel was stored in my muscles (and, in bodywork, that is called "state dependent memory release").  I later became a massage therapist and had several experiences over the 14 years I practiced with others' releases of stored emotions.

Reading this brought to mind something I've been wondering about for a few months now. I went to a rolfer about 3 months ago and felt it was beneficial for me. As far as I know, I never received physical punishment or abuse as a child so perhaps that was one reason it worked.

I wonder though if maybe for people who have experienced such abuse if a gentler touch may be more beneficial because the body has learned to withstand harsher treatment? Perhaps this may be why that gentle touch worked for you, Jazper - because your body was so unused to being treated lovingly that when it was, it felt safe enough to allow for the outpouring of emotions. Just a thought.

[ignis.intimus]

So that is why I am wondering whether my body is telling me something.

The pain sends me into a state of panic and I feel like a child again. I see her sobbing in my mind's eye and the child that I was just wants to end it all. Which I can thorougly understand. Not that I want to end it all. I want to get through this. It has taken me at least 12 years to get to this point. And I had to experience some serious betrayal, before I could even access this deeper betrayal.

Has any one of you ever experienced old pain, so to speak? Is it possible?

Yes, there is definitely such a thing as old pain. It is amazing how much pain the body can store without your mind being aware of it. I still like to think of Wilhelm Reichs concept of armoring. The idea is that when strong emotions are not allowed to express themselves, they become trapped in your muscle tissue, and to prevent them from resurfacing you do not use those muscles completely. Your body then ends up compensating for this imbalance, similar to limping when you sprain your ankle. This puts further stress on the body, because now you are not using muscles properly, and not using the proper muscles for the proper task. Eventually, if a person lives long enough, something is going to give. The tissues become saturated with old emotion (they can only store so much) and strain on your muscles from improper use will get to be too much. At some point, your mind will not be able to block out the pain, namely because you have no where left to "hide" it.

Your body is telling you it can't do that anymore. You've been asking it to "grin and bear it" for too long, and now it's time to pay the piper. Learning to distinguish between the different types of pain is important, which is sounds like you are doing it. Old pain has a very distinctive feel about it, and feeling this pain, bringing it to the surface, is the first step to undoing the damage.

[seek10]

I once woke up with some severe pressure on my chest and when that subsided it felt as if my lower body was being split in half, around the area of my anus. The pain was excruciating and I thought I was going to die. But then I started cursing my father (this all happened unconsciously as far as I can remember) and subsequently I burst into tears. The pain miraculously disappeared.

So that is why I am wondering whether my body is telling me something.
The pain sends me into a state of panic and I feel like a child again. I see her sobbing in my mind's eye and the child that I was just wants to end it all. Which I can thorougly understand. Not that I want to end it all. I want to get through this. It has taken me at least 12 years to get to this point. And I had to experience some serious betrayal, before I could even access this deeper betrayal.

Has any one of you ever experienced old pain, so to speak? Is it possible?

  I have this issue for a number years, still couldn't able to resolve. My recurrent habit of shutting the emotion (  program that i shouldn't express)  always comes as pain when I do the  (Self) massaging. Feeling that I want to run away.   Unfortunately it comes so often (  program of  behind the schedule  of every day events  that I don't express), I continue to release the fear from the body muscles. There are some good exercises in peter levine's books.

[Turgon]

I wonder though if maybe for people who have experienced such abuse if a gentler touch may be more beneficial because the body has learned to withstand harsher treatment? Perhaps this may be why that gentle touch worked for you, Jazper - because your body was so unused to being treated lovingly that when it was, it felt safe enough to allow for the outpouring of emotions. Just a thought.

During my latest rolfing session, we were again trying to tackle my left arm and shoulder area which is extremely tense and uncomfortable. Underneath that, there is quite a bit of pain.  Not necessarily physical, but I just get the sense of pain underneath it which might even be emotional.  It surfaces every once in a while and with it there is usually judgement on my part 'against' that area for not being able to relax as well as my right side is able to during a session. 

What usually makes it worse, is that I often feel it should relax more, and I get frustrated at not being able to force it too.  Instead of continuing on with this, I finally let my rolfing instructor know this is how I'm feeling, and that a lot of the judgement I'm feeling is due to embarrassment at the inability for my left side to relax, and thinking I'm being a burden and preventing her from doing her job. 

She said something that made a lot of sense.  That this has nothing to do with her doing her job, but rather this is a process where the two of us are working together and that there's nothing to be ashamed of.  Accept the tenseness and pain as it is, even the judgement, and just notice it and be aware.

Her saying that caused a shift in my body, because near the end of the session, she was working on my back which is usually very rigid and stiff, but this time was more relaxed and malleable.  It was extremely noticeable and didn't last too long after the session, but was definitely progress.  I did leave afterwards with a sense of wanting a gentle massage at some point, too!

So yeah, definitely the same pattern of feeling like a burden and it causing massive judgement and anger could be a re-kindling of 'old' pain that is coupled with physical pain.  I'm currently reading 'In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts' by Gabor Mate, and this excerpt comes to mind:

Addictions always originate in pain, whether felt openly or hidden in the unconscious.  They are emotional anaesthetics.  Heroin and cocaine, both powerful physical painkillers, also ease psychological discomfort.  Infant animals separated from their mothers can be soothed readily by low doses of narcotics, just as if it was actual physical pain they were enduring.

The pain pathways in humans are no different.  The very same brain centres that interpret and "feel" physical pain also become activated during the experience of emotional rejection: on brain scans they "light up" in response to social ostracism just as they would when triggered by physically hurtful stimuli.  When people speak of feeling "hurt" or of having emotional "pain", they are not being abstract or poetic but scientifically quite precise.

One other thing, Mariama.  I may be off in my observation, but after reading your relationship thread just now, and re-reading your post, I can't help but come back to the word 'betrayal' that you oft use.  I wonder if part of the physical pain you are feeling and, the increasing issues with it are due to you holding on to perceived pain that you felt as betrayal in your childhood that was later re-enacted with your ex, which has brought these issues up to the surface. 

Have you done the Re-direct writing exercises yet?  I have a feeling if you write about betrayal and your father there's a lot to work with there that may help reduce your physical pain, osit. 

[Lauranimal]

Hi Mariama,

Like others here have mentioned... I think that you are on to something.  My own first encounter with understanding the relationship between emotions and the state of the body's health came from reading the book, Anatomy of the Spirit, by Carolyn Myss.  If you think about it, every single emotion we have seems to correlate with a physiological response in the body.  When we are angry for example, our heart speeds up.  Our face might turn red.  If we are sad, tears might be produced.  Those are just obvious examples of the body response.   When an emotion is unexpressed or you could also say that an event which has a 'deep emotional impact' that we haven't yet developed the coping mechanisms to deal with, they can become sublimated into the tissues.  And that habit of bracing twists the facial tissues and holds those emotions immobile.  Almost like an energetic cyst or miasma. 

There are many different types of bodywork, and different things seem to work for different people for different reasons.  Ultimately, the idea is to make contact with the tissues where those emotions are 'stored' so that they can be released.  For me, and for many others who have that tendency to brace... or who have a kind of chronic PTSD where the nervous system is in constant hypervigent mode, hard pressure applied to the body can be soothing to the muscles in a way, but it can also make us twist up in other ways.  Understanding that force creates resistance, well then.... how does one get past their resistance? 

There are two modes of bodywork that have worked really well for me (along with energy work of various kinds).  Cranio Sacral Therapy is one.  The idea is to use the lightest pressure possible to engage the tissues and allow them to lead the practitioner toward the blockages.  It's like tricking the body to allow them past the armor without engaging further resistance.  Unwinding the Fascia that can become twisted up and pull on muscles, bones and joints from their natural positions.  I might not be the best at explaining it well, but here is a link that you may find helpful.
_http://upledger.com/content.asp?id=26
I find that when seeking a practitioner, it has been helpful to me to use a physical therapist (as apposed to a massage therapist - though it surely depends on the therapist) as they seem to have a greater toolbox in terms of having a greater range of therapeutic methods.  I also have had best results from those with a greater degree of advanced training and those who have studied SER, Somato Emotional Release will have specific training in how to dialogue with your body and your unconscious about the emotions that are encountered as you go along.  This is not a matter of laying on a table and having someone fix you.  You play the most important part in your own healing.  Your willingness to come in contact with your "stuff" and your intention to release it require a dedication and commitment to be present with the pain.  To be present in your body and all of your tissues.

It's a subtle process.  For me, Rolfing, triggerpoint, massage, and a whole long list of other things I tried, while they seemed to be helpful and certainly had their possitive contributions... they were NOT getting to the core of my issues, and the gentler approach worked very well for me.

In addition, Myofascial Release has been helpful too.  Like CST, it uses the fascial tissues but is a very different (still gentle) approach.  More info on that, here:
_http://upledger.com/content.asp?id=26

Hope this may be helpful for you.  One way ore another, you are on the right track and I'm sure you will find the right approach that works best for you.

[Mariama]

Thank you all so much for your replies. It is most helpful to read about your experiences.

Auranimal,
I have started visiting a psychosomatic physical therapist in my village. She also does haptonomy, which might help with stress caused by abuse. Before I became conscious of my childhood I had had a couple of haptonomy sessions. I think it helped to come to the decision that I should go into therapy and find out why I was stuck in certain patterns.

This is not a matter of laying on a table and having someone fix you.  You play the most important part in your own healing.  Your willingness to come in contact with your "stuff" and your intention to release it require a dedication and commitment to be present with the pain.  To be present in your body and all of your tissues.

Thank you for reminding me. I do resist the pain and the misery that it causes at times. It is best to go with the flow.

Turgon,

The very same brain centres that interpret and "feel" physical pain also become activated during the experience of emotional rejection

This is striking. Because of course as survivors of any kind of abuse we also feel emotional rejection, OSIT. I have always felt ostracized my by family. They repeated that pattern of emotional seclusion after I had told my brother and sister that I had been sexually abused. Instead of talking to me they told other family members what I had said, who were outraged and indignant. That is the reason I keep going back to that word betrayal. I have felt very betrayed by their actions.
I think that your observation is correct.
At one point I started feeling anxious again and tearful and really depressed and I couldn't make out why. This had nothing to do anymore with my ex. He wasn't that important to me.  But the experience with my ex led me to finally feel the impact of the actions of my (grand-)parents. Since the abuse was so serious it is no wonder that it has taken me so long to get to this point. So in a sense, my ex made it possible for me to start processing the hurt and sadness caused by my caregivers.

seek10,
I think it is very good that you are feeling that you want to run away. That is an important step towards your healing, OSIT.

ignis.intimus,
Thank you for telling me about that armour and Wilhelm Reich.
And you are right. It is time to pay the piper. And take care of my body. I have always relied on my body, come to think of it, and I have asked to grin and bear it. And for a long time my body complied. But these days are gone. It is a good thing that I got this wake-up call. It is another lesson. 

Jazper,
Thank you for sharing your experiences. How awful that you were hit with a belt. And how wonderful that your body could inform you of this. And that you could hear.

Prodigal Son,
I will definitely do the exercises in Peter Levine's book. But I have lent out my book (typical), so I will have to get that back first. I like the idea of making the motions of running on a soft cushion. Although I am dreading it a bit.

parallel,
Good to hear that you experience this subtle twitching and tenseness. During the past two EE session I felt my left arm tremble, ever so slightly, but it did so, nevertheless, for which I am grateful. Yes and we can nudge and release these body-memories. I am sure of it, I am just resisting it.

Mrs. Peel and truthseeker,
Rolfing is some very physical activity? My body is telling me that it just wants some DMSO and hot baths with some nice essential oils. And indeed, a soft touch, although that scares me.

Thank you all.

[truth seeker]

Mrs. Peel and truthseeker,
Rolfing is some very physical activity? My body is telling me that it just wants some DMSO and hot baths with some nice essential oils. And indeed, a soft touch, although that scares me.

I won't speak for Mrs. P's experiences but yes, it's very physical. I found it to be slightly painful as it's a deep tissue massage (lots of poking into muscles). That said,  I tend to 'like' a heavier hand with massages. Although I'm not sure why this is so, I tend to get 'better' results from it. Interestingly enough though, when I had craniosacral done once, I did experience an emotional release although he barely touched me so now I'm wondering if there really is no one modality that fits for one person but perhaps different forms of massage can address different issues that an individual has? Maybe sometimes a gentler touch is required and at other times one does better with deeper work?

I'll say though that you should probably do what you feel comfortable with. Try the hot baths at first and see how it goes.

[Mrs. Peel]

I won't speak for Mrs. P's experiences but yes, it's very physical. I found it to be slightly painful as it's a deep tissue massage (lots of poking into muscles).

Yeah, I didn't enjoy it at all and didn't even finish all the sessions because I ended up with De Quervain's tenosynovitis in my right wrist after he worked on that area a few times, really hard.  I was hoping for some trauma "release" also but that didn't happen.   

Others seem to have had good results though, so I thought I'd just mention it. Your Milage May Vary.   

[seek10]

I won't speak for Mrs. P's experiences but yes, it's very physical. I found it to be slightly painful as it's a deep tissue massage (lots of poking into muscles).

Yeah, I didn't enjoy it at all and didn't even finish all the sessions because I ended up with De Quervain's tenosynovitis in my right wrist after he worked on that area a few times, really hard.  I was hoping for some trauma "release" also but that didn't happen.   

Others seem to have had good results though, so I thought I'd just mention it. Your Milage May Vary.   

I have lot of issues came up in the form of memories. even after  15 sessions,  my body used to jerk to push the rolfer away when he touches at some areas of body.  So I have to assume I have some unfinished job.   One thing I now feel is , better to have some mentally free time when you get rolfing. Lot of releases may come that needs you to have mentally free time to take it proper perspective.

[Mariama]

The physical therapist did something to my shoulder, which sent me through the roof... So, the soft touch applies here.
But I will keep rolfing in mind. It may help, if most of the pain is gone?
ATM hot baths help a bit. I also go to bed early. I feel very tired. It is probably the pain and the sadness and all this emotional weight I have been carrying.
I have started applying DMSO, but once or twice a day does not suffice. I have started using the medical tape as well on one side of the head, just to see how I would react. The symptoms can cause a worsening of the situation (in the case of psychological problems), or so they said in the book 'Acupressure Taping'. Well, they are right about that!
I will see if homeopathy can still do something for me. The same goes for haptonomy. I have started the Redirect writing exercises. And for four nights in a row I slept really well. I will continue doing them.
I also reread Peter Levine's chapter on 'The embodied self' and have started doing some of his exercises. When I did the first exercise of this chapter this morning I was shocked to find out that instead of feeling the parts of my body I could feel I dissociated and saw my body as if it was a sexual object. But that is progress, OSIT.

Thank you all again for your support!