Thank you all so much for your replies.
It is most helpful to read about your experiences.
I have started visiting a psychosomatic physical therapist in my village. She also does haptonomy, which might help with stress caused by abuse. Before I became conscious of my childhood I had had a couple of haptonomy sessions. I think it helped to come to the decision that I should go into therapy and find out why I was stuck in certain patterns.
This is not a matter of laying on a table and having someone fix you. You play the most important part in your own healing. Your willingness to come in contact with your "stuff" and your intention to release it require a dedication and commitment to be present with the pain. To be present in your body and all of your tissues.
Thank you for reminding me. I do resist the pain and the misery that it causes at times. It is best to go with the flow.
The very same brain centres that interpret and "feel" physical pain also become activated during the experience of emotional rejection
This is striking. Because of course as survivors of any kind of abuse we also feel emotional rejection, OSIT. I have always felt ostracized my by family. They repeated that pattern of emotional seclusion after I had told my brother and sister that I had been sexually abused. Instead of talking to me they told other family members what I had said, who were outraged and indignant. That is the reason I keep going back to that word betrayal. I have felt very betrayed by their actions.
I think that your observation is correct.
At one point I started feeling anxious again and tearful and really depressed and I couldn't make out why. This had nothing to do anymore with my ex. He wasn't that important to me. But the experience with my ex led me to finally feel the impact of the actions of my (grand-)parents. Since the abuse was so serious it is no wonder that it has taken me so long to get to this point. So in a sense, my ex made it possible for me to start processing the hurt and sadness caused by my caregivers.
I think it is very good that you are feeling that you want to run away. That is an important step towards your healing, OSIT.
Thank you for telling me about that armour and Wilhelm Reich.
And you are right. It is time to pay the piper. And take care of my body. I have always relied on my body, come to think of it, and I have asked to grin and bear it. And for a long time my body complied. But these days are gone. It is a good thing that I got this wake-up call. It is another lesson.
Thank you for sharing your experiences. How awful that you were hit with a belt. And how wonderful that your body could inform you of this. And that you could hear.
I will definitely do the exercises in Peter Levine's book. But I have lent out my book (typical), so I will have to get that back first. I like the idea of making the motions of running on a soft cushion. Although I am dreading it a bit.
Good to hear that you experience this subtle twitching and tenseness. During the past two EE session I felt my left arm tremble, ever so slightly, but it did so, nevertheless, for which I am grateful. Yes and we can nudge and release these body-memories. I am sure of it, I am just resisting it.
Mrs. Peel and truthseeker,
Rolfing is some very physical activity? My body is telling me that it just wants some DMSO and hot baths with some nice essential oils.
And indeed, a soft touch, although that scares me.
Thank you all.