How Not To Be

Maybe instead of repeating everything that is said to you Psyche, a more productive exercise would be to try to synthesize, and understand everything that was said to you so far. Stop answering everything like a machine, and let all this sink in.
But first I think a sincere apology is in order, and sincere apologies are not done by just stringing a lot of words together, or just repeating what was said to you, like a child that has just been caught doing something and agrees with whatever the parent says trying to avoid punishment.

Iron said:

But first I think a sincere apology is in order, and sincere apologies are not done by just stringing a lot of words together, or just repeating what was said to you, like a child that has just been caught doing something and agrees with whatever the parent says trying to avoid punishment.

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Yes, apologies are a funny thing. Even a psychopath can "apologize", but it doesn't mean anything. It's just empty words, and there are a lot of those flying around our world these days.

More important than words are actions to demonstrate that one is sorry. But actions can be empty, too!

So, even more important than actions are RESULTS, as seen by other people - not oneself.

The more words one uses, the less action is undertaken. And the less action that is undertaken, the fewer the results that are achieved - if any at all.

An apology that is not sincere is worthless.

An apology cannot be sincere unless the person can fully recognize the harm or hurt they caused.

Considering that we were pretty much aware of Psyche's MO all along, (though we were giving her space and encouragement to grow and change and never putting any pressure on her), we can't actually say that we were hurt or harmed by her behavior and actions: for us it is just "business as usual" when someone is here to work on themselves. We know they are mechanical so we don't take it personally. So she actually didn't hurt or harm us. It was more like someone who signed up to a school and then just slept through the classes and failed the course. The teachers don't take it personally because, in a sense, it is no skin off their nose.

The only exception is Mr. Scott who was the target of most of the manipulations. He was harmed throughout the relationship and at the end, he was also hurt. However, he has learned a great deal from the experience, mostly about himself which, in the end, is the main thing we need to be learning: how we can fool ourselves and if we only have input from someone who has an agenda, that fooling of the self can be taken to extremes. Put it this way, he won't be closing himself to input from the network again.

So, an apology without full understanding, awakening of consciousness and at least some conscience, isn't a real apology and would just perpetuate lies to the self. "I apologized, what more do you want?" No thanks.

If I could synthesize this thread, it would be like the one thing I had fought against my entire life, the weaker part has always win in me. Now all of you are reaching out a hand to me in order that I can take the step to the other side of the line.

I'm reaching out with my hand, but I am looking back, "BUT", "BUT", "BUT". I give lip service to apologizing but by not accepting the help and getting through the other line, I am not meaning it.

There is something inside of me who wants to cross that line, accept the help and celebrate with you all. I did it, I did it! I was able to let it go!

But I have to admit that I really suck at relationships of ANY kind. I am one of those people who are better off alone because I really suck when I'm around with people. Yet, I used Mr. Scott to make my way in into the house and by doing so perpetuating that which is low in me and using each one of you to feed that draining hole in me. I did not wanted to admit that I sucked at personal relationships, preventing in that way the heat to work at being functional at it. I chose to stay in self-denial creating excuses to the point of justifying to myself going back to my old life and dragging Mr. Scott along with it. I really suck at the most basic lesson in life: personal relationships. And I have only served that which is low in me without fully realizing the consequences of my choices. By not admitting I don't know how to network and be open and sincere, I have used this forum to keep feeding that which is low in me.

I want to grow a real heart and the ability to have real care for others because I don't have it in me, I only know how to self-preserve myself and my ways which has made me a tool for the System. I don't know how to care about other people.

I yearn to be truly with you all in this learning path with no strings attached regardless of where I am or whether I make it or not in the end. I want to learn how to care about something, anything but myself, so I can finally give a sincere apology and be there for anything but my old ways. I don't want the System to win and have the best of me. And I have to admit that the System is all I ever served by not admitting it was in me.

FWIW.

Mr. Scott said:

Yes, apologies are a funny thing. Even a psychopath can "apologize", but it doesn't mean anything. It's just empty words, and there are a lot of those flying around our world these days.

More important than words are actions to demonstrate that one is sorry. But actions can be empty, too!

So, even more important than actions are RESULTS, as seen by other people - not oneself.

The more words one uses, the less action is undertaken. And the less action that is undertaken, the fewer the results that are achieved - if any at all.

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By not facing my demons, but actually reinforcing them, I dragged you along with me while you could had lead a life with people or someone else that was willing to fight them and finally have that fulfilling life that I was so reluctant to live.

I regret not removing myself the clean way and I'm glad my System didn't had its way.

Laura said:

An apology that is not sincere is worthless.

An apology cannot be sincere unless the person can fully recognize the harm or hurt they caused.

Considering that we were pretty much aware of Psyche's MO all along, (though we were giving her space and encouragement to grow and change and never putting any pressure on her), we can't actually say that we were hurt or harmed by her behavior and actions: for us it is just "business as usual" when someone is here to work on themselves. We know they are mechanical so we don't take it personally. So she actually didn't hurt or harm us. It was more like someone who signed up to a school and then just slept through the classes and failed the course. The teachers don't take it personally because, in a sense, it is no skin off their nose.

The only exception is Mr. Scott who was the target of most of the manipulations. He was harmed throughout the relationship and at the end, he was also hurt. However, he has learned a great deal from the experience, mostly about himself which, in the end, is the main thing we need to be learning: how we can fool ourselves and if we only have input from someone who has an agenda, that fooling of the self can be taken to extremes. Put it this way, he won't be closing himself to input from the network again.

So, an apology without full understanding, awakening of consciousness and at least some conscience, isn't a real apology and would just perpetuate lies to the self. "I apologized, what more do you want?" No thanks.

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By not being honest about my shortcomings, I took the place of someone who might have been more than readily to overcome theirs. I'm sorry I did not removed myself in an open way and I'm glad my System got what it deserved.

This System that is in me, won't get the best out of me. I may be inept in relationships and not smart, but I won't give up. And this my System understands.

Psyche said:

If I could synthesize this thread, it would be like the one thing I had fought against my entire life, the weaker part has always win in me. Now all of you are reaching out a hand to me in order that I can take the step to the other side of the line.

I'm reaching out with my hand, but I am looking back, "BUT", "BUT", "BUT". I give lip service to apologizing but by not accepting the help and getting through the other line, I am not meaning it.

There is something inside of me who wants to cross that line, accept the help and celebrate with you all. I did it, I did it! I was able to let it go!

But I have to admit that I really suck at relationships of ANY kind. I am one of those people who are better off alone because I really suck when I'm around with people. Yet, I used Mr. Scott to make my way in into the house and by doing so perpetuating that which is low in me and using each one of you to feed that draining hole in me. I did not wanted to admit that I sucked at personal relationships, preventing in that way the heat to work at being functional at it. I chose to stay in self-denial creating excuses to the point of justifying to myself going back to my old life and dragging Mr. Scott along with it. I really suck at the most basic lesson in life: personal relationships. And I have only served that which is low in me without fully realizing the consequences of my choices. By not admitting I don't know how to network and be open and sincere, I have used this forum to keep feeding that which is low in me.

I want to grow a real heart and the ability to have real care for others because I don't have it in me, I only know how to self-preserve myself and my ways which has made me a tool for the System. I don't know how to care about other people.

I yearn to be truly with you all in this learning path with no strings attached regardless of where I am or whether I make it or not in the end. I want to learn how to care about something, anything but myself, so I can finally give a sincere apology and be there for anything but my old ways. I don't want the System to win and have the best of me. And I have to admit that the System is all I ever served by not admitting it was in me.

FWIW.

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Psyche, it seems to me that you need to step back from the whole situation and deeply look at what you really want. It's way too soon to making declarations like this. Or to continue to state how you have "failed".

There a MDs all over the world that do research and never deal directly with patients. Maybe this is your true calling. And living at the Chateau is not the Holy Grail.

Living elsewhere, and doing medical research you would still be able to do the Work along with the network. Personally, I doubt that I will get to 4D STO in this life time. If it takes 3 or 4 lifetimes that the way it is. Just be honest with yourself about where you are and where you want to go right now.

And Laura said that you haven't really harmed anyone at the Chateau. So, try to get a wider perspective apart from the emotions of the moment. Continuing to beat yourself is still part of System 1. It doesn't help you or anyone else.

OSIT

Mac

Psyche said:

If I could synthesize this thread, it would be like the one thing I had fought against my entire life, the weaker part has always win in me. Now all of you are reaching out a hand to me in order that I can take the step to the other side of the line.

I'm reaching out with my hand, but I am looking back, "BUT", "BUT", "BUT". I give lip service to apologizing but by not accepting the help and getting through the other line, I am not meaning it.

There is something inside of me who wants to cross that line, accept the help and celebrate with you all. I did it, I did it! I was able to let it go!

But I have to admit that I really suck at relationships of ANY kind. I am one of those people who are better off alone because I really suck when I'm around with people.

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You know, I would really like to figure this one out and find the way that actually works for you, individually. Obviously, getting to the point of acknowledging what one has done and been objectively is the first step. But that acknowledgement has to be deep and visceral and may take some time and constantly observing the self to see how truly mechanical one is. Once it REALLY, DEEPLY dawns on you, that is the moment you face the real TERROR of the situation. When you realize, truly, deeply, madly (seriously!) that you cannot trust your own thinking, that's when you really get motivated to observe yourself, learn about your machine as completely as possible, INCLUDING how to clean and adjust it.

Okay, one step at a time. Whether it is deeply acknowledged or only intellectually understood, at least you are at that point where, hopefully, you can see all the mercurial slipperiness of the rationales that are produced by System 2 to support the immature, selfish, self-centered System 1. If you have glimpsed it once, you can glimpse it again. And it is to this that you need to put all your efforts of self-observation. When you have a thought, you need to step aside and ask yourself: WHO or WHAT is thinking that in my head? Let me trace it and find the program, the experiences that created the program.

Ask things like: I am THINKING that I want that or like that or need that, but what program is it that is producing that thought and where did it come from?

You have to constantly mistrust your thinking and observe your behaviors from the outside, as though you were watching a complete stranger and trying to figure out what was going on in their system without any verbal or idea input.

Okay, there's that. Another thing I want to point out is this: the whole "Eros Theme" yearning business is quite simply the inner, unborn self yearning for sincere exchange with another human being, for truth. Had you been able to break through that barrier with Scott - or anyone, for that matter - then you would have felt the satisfaction of achieving what your inner self is yearning for: real contact, in truth and sincerity, where the real you communicates with the real other and there is a mutally satisfying etheric (for lack of a better word) exchange.

So, yeah, you suck at relationships and human interactions because of this failure to be sincere and speak the truth. Why? Because you were programmed to never speak the truth or be sincere and that programming is probably pretty intense. Plus you self-reinforce it.

The super-efforts that are required of you is to question yourself when you have thoughts or responses: is this REALLY the true me, or is this System 2 just making crap up to make System 1 feel better? Nine times out of ten, it is the latter.

And then you make the effort to dig down and find what is really true and communicate it. What then begins to happen is a process of re-wiring and a new, more subtle and deeply satisfying inner reward system. And believe me, it is never as hard as your imagination thinks it is. But that imagination can stop you if you let it. Which is, again, where the super efforts come in: you have to literally act against every screaming selfish, childish, programmed emotion and DO WHAT IS RIGHT AND GOOD AND CLEAN no matter how much it hurts. And then, on the other side of doing that, of exercising that discipline against the predator, there is a whole different world.

But you have to start in small ways, building up strength. And you certainly can't be telling the whole truth to those who neither want it nor respect it and who would, eventually, use it against you. Don't cast pearls before swine.

So, that is the very basic prescription for the moment, the first steps. When it begins to become easy to be sincere all the time, at least here on the forum, and to observe the self and recognize programs and name them, then the next step...

Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I have become sounding brass or a clanging cymbal. And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, but have not love, it profits me nothing.

Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Love never fails. But whether there are prophecies, they will fail; whether there are tongues, they will cease; whether there is knowledge, it will vanish away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part. But when that which is perfect has come, then that which is in part will be done away.

When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child; but when I became a man, I put away childish things. For now we see in a mirror, dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part, but then I shall know just as I also am known.

And now abide faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is love.

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The amount of true love and deep understanding of human condition exhibited by this network has once again deeply touched me.
Psyche I am glad you are still here and willing to face your demons.

Its interesting to note how our subconscious is very often spot on while our conscious is clueless - I am talking about your choice of forum nick...

"Envious and jealous of the beauty of a mortal girl named Psyche, Venus asks her son Cupid (known to the Greeks as Eros) to use his golden arrows while Psyche sleeps, so that when she awakens, Venus (Aphrodite in the Greek tradition) would place a vile creature for her to fall in love with. Cupid finally agrees to her commands after a long debate. As he flies to Psyche's room at night, he becomes invisible so no one can see him fly in through her window. He takes pity on her, for she was born too beautiful for her own safety. As he slowly approaches, careful not to make a sound, he readies one of his golden arrows. He leans over Psyche while she is asleep and before he can pierce her shoulder with the tip of his arrow, she awakens, startling him, for she looks right into his eyes, despite his invisibility. This causes him to scratch himself with his arrow and fall deeply in love with her. He cannot continue his mission, for every passing second he finds her more appealing. He reports back to Venus shortly after and the news enrages her. Venus places a curse on Psyche that prevents her from meeting a suitable husband. Cupid is greatly upset, and decides that, as long as Psyche remains cursed, he will no longer shoot arrows, which will cause the temple of Venus to fall."

This is just a beginning, very long story continues in most intricate melodramatic fashion, but we can basically reduce it to the story about the woman which is gifted but still doomed to constant suffering ( and causing immense suffering to others) because of her inability to see .

Now Psyche its entirely up to you to break free from this soppy archetype. I am rooting for you.

I have just caught up with this thread and I hope it's not too late to chime in with some thoughts...

Ailén said:

- One of the reasons you gave for going to Spain was that with more practice, you would be there for the group in case of an emergency, allowed to prescribe drugs, etc. but the fact is that there were tons of emergencies here when you still lived with us, and you didn't do much. You actually left (or were always studying) while two members of the household really needed help.
- You never really showed any concern about others. You had a group of people with many different kinds of auto-inmune disorders, but your focus was never in them. I think you can look back and find examples of this if you think about it.

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Laura said:

H.E. said:

Now by your own admission it looks like you never really took charge of the health of human members of the crew and this doesn't quite add up. If this was your true calling this should have come naturally and it is something to ponder upon. My general impression was that for a medical professional you are extremely buttoned up and not particularly approachable or inquisitive in human to human interactions. I am just saying , you are prefect scientist and researcher ( and BTW there is nothing wrong if you follow up on someone else' inspiration, you did this bit in thorough and methodical way which has helped many people here) but you don't strike me as a comfortable practitioner.

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Indeed, it did not seem that being a doctor was Psyche's "true calling" as you put it. But you are also right that, once she was pointed in the general direction, she did excellent research, reviewing and synopsizing with only a little light touch of guidance here and there when she would get into tunnel vision and forget all the other related things.

It wouldn't have mattered to all of us here if Psyche had just said:"Peeps, I'm trained, I can do mechanical stuff on people who are unconscious and I can regurgitate on tests with the best of them, but I'm really a complete klutz at human relations..." Well, actually, it would have mattered: we would have LIKED such honesty. We would have said: okay then, that's what you are good at, so you need to do it, but also you DO need to practice learning about people and stuff and you'll need some mentoring on that.

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Psyche said:

I admit I hate being a doctor. Not so much because I don't want to help people, but on the contrary. I want to help people and I feel that through the doctorness I don't do it. My first realization of that probably was the first day I put a step on a hospital. It was horrible.

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You state that you hate being a doctor. But imo what a doctor is at its deepest core is a person who cares for others above all else. To me, it signifies a certain 'calling' above all else to help people. And not to feel praise for healing people, or discovering new medical marvels. It should not be about that (to me at least). I think what you hate is not being a doctor, that is what you're describing in the above. You hate the corrupted medical system. And that is normal for any normal person in any field to feel. I'm an artist but I hate what the modern pathological system has done to art. I do not hate being an artist. You can be an artist without consenting to the pathological system. Same thing for being a doctor, or any profession, osit. The problem is, that the pathological system of our world presents a lot of challenges to those who question the status quo within their fields. And those who do, are not always recognized for their achievements however grand they maybe. Yet they are content, because they follow their hearts and what they truly believe in while doing the work they do.

It's like the C's say, "be in the world not of the world" (paraphrasing).

I think that perhaps a part of you became a doctor for the praise and that goes hand in hand with self-importance and our narcissistic upbringing (which we all share).

I'd like to share an observation I made when I first met you at the Barcelona conference.

To tell you the truth, I had a VERY high expectation of you before I met you. I felt so excited to meet the famous, kind , loving and most helpful Dr. Psyche. I realize that the day of the conference was very hectic and busy for all involved but I wanted to take the opportunity to speak with you about a very private matter I had in the back of my mind. As I approached you, you seemed kind of stand-offish as if my approaching you with my question was the last thing you wanted to deal with. And although you answered, it was as if it was a HUGE chore for you to even think about it. Fair enough, I thought she is very busy. But deep down, I thought your attitude was not at all what a true, caring doctor who is doing the Work should be like. That kind of person should want more than anything to hear people's ales and help them in whatever form.

Now I read that you barely contributed in taking care of people who had ales in the Chateu which should be shocking, but it's not for me because of the impression you gave me when I asked you a very basic medical question.

I guess what I'm getting at here is that aside from the self-pity/dramaqueen program you also possess a huge self-importance program. And imo it's understandable for someone of your 'status'. Your ego loves being Dr. Psyche because of the praise not because you want to heal people genuinely. Because if you did, it should have been no problem for you to be there for the people in the Chateau and their medical needs.

I'm sorry if this post is out of left field, I just thought I'd share my observation. I think you should really look into what being a doctor truly means to you. Maybe that can help you and how you see others in your real life relationships as well. Fwiw.

Deedlet said:

I have just caught up with this thread and I hope it's not too late to chime in with some thoughts...

I'd like to share an observation I made when I first met you at the Barcelona conference.

To tell you the truth, I had a VERY high expectation of you before I met you. I felt so excited to meet the famous, kind , loving and most helpful Dr. Psyche. I realize that the day of the conference was very hectic and busy for all involved but I wanted to take the opportunity to speak with you about a very private matter I had in the back of my mind. As I approached you, you seemed kind of stand-offish as if my approaching you with my question was the last thing you wanted to deal with. And although you answered, it was as if it was a HUGE chore for you to even think about it. Fair enough, I thought she is very busy. But deep down, I thought your attitude was not at all what a true, caring doctor who is doing the Work should be like.

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Deedlet, this is more an example of you lacking external consideration than anything else. You had these expectations of another human being and you basically demanded that they be met. When they were not (for any reason and the reason rarely matters in such cases) you take it very personally and decide that the person has:

d said:

a huge self-importance program.

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There could be any of a million reasons why Psyche came across the way she did to you and it could be simply that a one day conference in Barcelona was not the appropriate time for her to address your personal health concern - but the core here is that you expected her to be a certain way and since she didn't meet your personal expectations, she was "wrong". That's not objective and it's not really helpful because at the end of the day, it's all about you.

Had you put your subjective expectations of her aside before you met her, this entire post likely would not have been written because you would not have been so offended at not having your imaginary image of "Dr. Psyche" satisfied in reality. I'm not sure if that makes sense, but the point is that just because you create an image of someone in your mind does not mean that they are obliged to satisfy your expectations.

In all honesty, I want to say that I also approached to Psyche at the end of the Barcelona's conference and she treated me appropriately and warmly. Indeed, I was who closed the conversation, not wanting to disturb more Psyche because I thought she would have to attend more people, but she seemed willing to continue attending my questions.

What I noticed, that day, is that Psyche and Ailén and Andromeda etc... They were busy attending to people and organizing the conference. Maybe you, Deedlet, approached to Psyche at one point that she had a lot on her mind and too much stress. OSIT

Deedlet said:

but I wanted to take the opportunity to speak with you about a very private matter I had in the back of my mind. [...]

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I think that perhaps it would've been better for you if you would've networked about this matter, either in one of the private sections or even by PMing a mod for further possible advice if it is very private and serious. But in general, I haven't really seen you networking regarding (general) health issues or even the diet. So if it was very important to you, why not network about it earlier, so that Psyche and others could have chimed in? Just an observation, sorry for going off-topic.

Deedlet, apologies if I came across as off. I valued your willingness to discuss your problem openly and I was glad to have done some research before that I could offer you. How many suffer unnecessarily by not bringing their problems up due to twisted programs?

However, I agree that it really wasn't the time or place to buttonhole Psyche about medical problems. In spite of the enormous load we were carrying trying to handle the details of that conference, we were ALSO trying to get a little relaxation and just hang out and chill with people!

Psyche,

I appreciate your posting in this thread. I admittedly have yet to really be on the forum in months and yet I caught this through fb posts on another matter.

I'm going through something similar.

For me, this is where I'm at... being as honest as I can.

The emotional part of me 'wants' to change.

That part of me is insincere.

My issue is a total lack of sincerity. During meditation on the way home from work last night, I came to a conclusion.

I never wanted to be born. I've been taking stupid risks and playing with the lives of others all my life based out of my not wanting to be here. I am constantly disassociating.

My inner child is Mr. Self-Destruct and every time I give in to anything that produces what I like to call, "the warm fuzzy feeling"... it cements my stagnation and strengthens the child that doesn't want to exist and maybe doesn't feel like it has a right to exist.

I know I have a problem. Thing is, until I really truly decide that I want to be here and live this life... nothing and no-one can help me and I can't help anyone.

This, however has helped me to see that others are going through very similar situations.

I've spent my life in self-pity courting self-destruction as a knight in shinning armor would court a princess in a castle.

Until, I truly want to change enough... & sincerely.... I know nothing will change.

The only thing I have really been sincere about in this life is the desire to blink out of existence.

I wish you the best in your journey to gather the strength to ride the proverbial bike on the path. Maybe, one day when I truly and sincerely care enough... I'll see you all there.