Funny that anger is mentioned in this thread. I never felt any reason to be angry about the things that happened in my past. Of course, learning about narcissists and predators can open up the possibility for one to CHOOSE to get angry and indignant, but I think it takes a bit of self-compromise to get into that state. Giving in to the Predator's Mind. Like, feeling as if one is entitled to things that were denied one, a dash of self-importance, refusal to take responsibility, or something.
I was preyed upon by a psychopathic boy in high school. I didn't enjoy it, but it wasn't the only thing going on in my life. I was alive and growing up, whether I liked it or not. My brain was operating furiously as I faced each situation with near-zero wisdom. Through childish ignorance I had lost acquaintances, so by the time puberty hit me I was extremely socially insecure and with few solid friends. I was ripe for the picking, and on the very first day of that school year the psychopathic boy moved in for the kill (previously he had only tested the waters to see how far he could manipulate me). If I am to blame anyone, it should be 4D STS, and who could blame them for capitalizing on such opportunities for attack and corruption? In their words, "We let them," and in a way we do, don't we?
I was frustrated by my hangups, and how I sank further and further into social isolation because of those hangups, and because I was being preyed upon. I thought, oh if only this psychopathic boy wasn't sitting next to me, watching my every move, ready to sabotage any little effort I made to connect with another person - if only! And I think seeing my hangups and how they affected every moment, every interaction... brought a bit of personal responsibility into the picture.
Looking at the psychopathy literature today, I can compare the descriptions I read to that boy, and even do so with a mental chuckle. I don't know if I'd have immediately, viscerally grokked psychopathy if I had not first encountered a strain of it back in high school - if I had not met the jaguar for myself.
During the period of bullying, I once sought help from the Internet. Boy, what were these kids talking about? Getting into fights, being called names, getting punched in the face by the bully... what? That wasn't the bullying I knew. The bullying I knew was - inhuman. Malevolent. Lying. Sadistic. Shrewd. Manipulative. Like an energizer bunny defaming me to all who bothered to listen. Without conscience, no matter how many times I tried to make good with him. Systematically cutting me off from what few friends I had left. A talker. Using my quirks and hangups against me in order to torment me - scary that he KNEW what my quirks and hangups were in the first place. Spilled acid on his hands during Chemistry, walked past me and gripped my arm hard with his acid covered hands.
I thought, But I'm not getting punched in the nose, and I have no fractured bones, so maybe I don't qualify as being bullied?
(But he would smile to see me die, and I bet he already gets off on my pain and suffering...)
And to top it off, the reason he gave was this: "I'm only doing to him, what HE did to ME!" The thing is, it's possible that in my more immature years, when I mingled freely and naively, I might have "offended" him, thus earning for myself status of prime target for destruction.
At the same time, I noticed how odd he was, how off, in little ways. It disgusted me. And now, of course, I know about malfunctioning organic portals.
Towards the end of high school, he was satisfied with his work - he had torn me down, now I was to be cast away. In the beginning he had stuck to me with intent to manipulate, now he told me to leave when I dumbly, mechanically, walked up. (But I think there was value in these experiences in that I was stripped of self-importance.)
Starting higher education was great. There was this inner joy at swimming in what felt like clean water... and it seemed as if the universe was "opening up" for me, throwing opportunities - and people - my way. I still had a long way to go, a lot more maturation and refinement to do, but I will mention that my social inhibition was often a lifesaver when more coarse impulses sought release, though like all things it was merely mechanical and had to be balanced, after some hard knocks (lessons).
Long before I discovered this forum, my life had already changed so much since the psychopathic boy that when I would imagine running into him again, I thought of acting pleasant and civil, if only out of worry that he might decide to prey on me again. Not what I'd do now, knowing what I know about psychopaths, but I guess my point is, I didn't really feel much anger. I felt my fear of the jaguar.
I do feel a pinch of regret, at what could have been back in high school had my hangups not eroded my relationships with those good people who were worth something to me - but what with a psychopath on my back and no knowledge of how to deal with it...
Sorry about this long post. I hope this isn't becoming a habit.