The initial intention was to write about two things.
The Desire and how its presence in me, whether intrinsically mine and induced from the outside, resulted in submission of my will and thinking to another person who had the power to fulfill and satisfy the starting desire. In short, voluntarily enslaving myself even more.
Then the Helplessness, lack of ability to stand my ground. What was observed, realized and decided one moment, in the next would perish in the air, fall apart, and the same unhealthy, sleeping and emotionally driven behaviour would quickly be back on the roll. Shortly, being a slave of myself most of the time, of my own behaviour and habits.
When recently asked the question what have I learned since left the network more than two years ago, I answered, among other things,
Then someone told me I've been playing that "poor me" record once again and rejecting the responsibility and consequences of my actions, i.e. looking for the culprit outside of myself, since for that person, actions define my personality, i.e. who I really am.
Never mind the multiple little Is and nonequivalence of personality and essence, she got me thinking.
Really, what have I learned during being away from here?
I've started to list my traits, some of which are probably implanted from outside. On the other hand some realizations surely emerged from inside. So I've pulled the sleeves up and plunged the hands into the mud.
Some things I did learn for sure.
I can't do it on my own and I particularly do less and drown much easier and quicker without the EE.
Consequently, from all stated above, the network is indispensable for me.
Also, after said that I had withdrawn when in fact had turned my back on the group two years ago, I was asked
I like to think that I'm more mature, at least for a little bit, after the period being away. If nothing else, I do look at it as lessons that I had to go through, to value certain things in life that matter for me. In addition, to stop whining about how unfair life is in general and dreaming of removing myself from it into some shielded glass bulb where I can do what I want in peace with no worries about how to make for a living.
With respect to that, it was very interesting to see that obyvatel was the first who spoke to me on forum after my return.
edit: grammar
The Desire and how its presence in me, whether intrinsically mine and induced from the outside, resulted in submission of my will and thinking to another person who had the power to fulfill and satisfy the starting desire. In short, voluntarily enslaving myself even more.
Then the Helplessness, lack of ability to stand my ground. What was observed, realized and decided one moment, in the next would perish in the air, fall apart, and the same unhealthy, sleeping and emotionally driven behaviour would quickly be back on the roll. Shortly, being a slave of myself most of the time, of my own behaviour and habits.
When recently asked the question what have I learned since left the network more than two years ago, I answered, among other things,
Then someone told me I've been playing that "poor me" record once again and rejecting the responsibility and consequences of my actions, i.e. looking for the culprit outside of myself, since for that person, actions define my personality, i.e. who I really am.
Never mind the multiple little Is and nonequivalence of personality and essence, she got me thinking.
Really, what have I learned during being away from here?
I've started to list my traits, some of which are probably implanted from outside. On the other hand some realizations surely emerged from inside. So I've pulled the sleeves up and plunged the hands into the mud.
- I was careless, too sure at myself, didn't think how my actions affect other people involved. Didn't care about others, i.e. was only internally considering myself and what I want. While in practice I did the opposite, in order to be accepted, since that's my ultimate underlying desire, I pretended to be something that I was not acting to present the other people projections. While feeding on these projections my self-importance, ego, would grow, and a great deal of energy was used on maintaining the self-image of a good, helping everybody, especially lady in distress, guy. What's really painful, I KNOW that's the classic vampire dynamic!
- I have a lack of responsibility and pronounced laziness of doing something on my own, it's easier to have somebody else tell me what to do and what to think, than to take the wheel in my own hands, use my head, have the gray cells do some work on their own, and take the responsibility for my action.
- I'm weak, not only that I can't help others, I can't help myself in the first place. I'm forgetful of other people doings, both bad and good, and consequently gullible and ungrateful. I'm too easily fascinated with things, especially with mysterious, psychic and paranormal, thus in that state I'll buy almost whatever you sell me, however incredible that may be.
- I usually don't regret much of things done, perceive them as something that needed to occur and as lessons to learn, which in itself is not such a bad thing if only I would actually learn something quick and not need so many repetitions to finally sink in. I regret one thing and being most afraid of it at the same time, of letting people down, which again makes the full circle back to imposed image of self how I want that other people see me.
Some things I did learn for sure.
I can't do it on my own and I particularly do less and drown much easier and quicker without the EE.
Consequently, from all stated above, the network is indispensable for me.
Also, after said that I had withdrawn when in fact had turned my back on the group two years ago, I was asked
to which I replied
I like to think that I'm more mature, at least for a little bit, after the period being away. If nothing else, I do look at it as lessons that I had to go through, to value certain things in life that matter for me. In addition, to stop whining about how unfair life is in general and dreaming of removing myself from it into some shielded glass bulb where I can do what I want in peace with no worries about how to make for a living.
With respect to that, it was very interesting to see that obyvatel was the first who spoke to me on forum after my return.
edit: grammar
