Opheliasroses
A Disturbance in the Force
I am new to the forum and stumbled across as I was looking into insight regarding a current situation I am in. I have never encountered anything like this and feel like I am loosing my grips, but on some levels I know this is not true. Thus I seek guidance to understand what I am dealing with.
As it is I am in a 4 month old relationship with a man who is a bit older than me (I am 37 and he is 44). He is handsome, charming, smart, a bit arrogant, and professional (attorney). At the start of our relationship I kept things light so whatever he did rolled off my back without ado. However our relationship progressed and we became an item. At the start, and when I say start it is not that long so I feel silly saying this, he was attentive and looked at me adoringly. We seemed to understand each other and would steal glances here and there-all very sweet. However in the last few weeks things have changed rather rapidly and taken a turn for the worse that has left me feeling confused. He is no longer as attentive and can be quite short with me-please note I am careful not to give an impression of being clingy or needy, in fact I make it a point to not be like this and I go above and beyond to do sweet things and be helpful. An example is after he moved in to his new home I cleaned and arranged his house for him (he requested my organizational help) and a few days later at a cocktail party when someone admired his chess table he said it was nice until I lost a piece (I, referring to me during my cleaning). Rather than being thankful and gracious, it was sort of sneering and derogatory. That is an example of many minor things.
This all really started a few weeks ago when we were having dinner with friends and he quite cavalierly stated that one of my friends had viewed him on a dating site-she later confirmed and ratted him out. I was floored and humiliated for obvious reasons, surprised and humiliated he would mention such at a dinner date with myself and his married friends. I held my feelings in and did not react. When I confronted him after the dinner he said it was true he was on the site but only looked to see who viewed him and did not actively engage and did not see why I was upset. I pretty much wrote him off that night. The next day he sent text saying he was sorry blah, blah, blah and that after discussing with his friend, the one at dinner with us the previous evening, his friend was equally as astounded and thought it inappropriate. Foolishly I let him back in.
As a precaution I checked the site one week later and not only was he on, he was on at the moment. I was sick. Out of curiosity I checked a few other random sites and he was also on those-like a serial dater and made me feel like a stalker. I did not mention anything until the next evening so would cool down I confronted him openly. He pleaded and begged and said he was not on any sites. I held his feet to the fire and he actively de-activated in front of me. All was fine but he kept denying even with proof-kind of like someone saying it's not me, the devil made me do it, someone else is using my account. I have yet to check on him again so really I have no clue if he is still on, but do not want to know and it does not matter at this point.
Other issues include asking for the number of my step sister whom he met once, being overly chatty and flirty with her an d all my female friends, friending all my friends on facebook and other such boundary issues-which actually I would think nothing off if it were not coupled with his other activities. For instance he knows since the dating site incident I am insecure yet he will text me things like, "guess who I am with", only to tell me he is having a drink with a friend of mine whom he saw in town and sat down with. Regardless of how I react (and I try not to react negatively though that is changing) he will say later "you seemed pissed". It is not that I mind so much him having a drink or even with a friend he met through me, it is how he plays it out given the context and past actions.
After this another key event was when I checked his phone. And I know you guys do not know me but I can assure you I have never resorted to this kind of snooping behavior. I checked his phone for the sheer reason he is always on it. Without fail and regardless of the situation he looks down, smiles, text, the phone beeps, he text again-all very obviously with much ado and on a constant basis. When he received his new phone he made me, though I balked, use my print so I could access his phone-I guess since the dating site thing he wanted to prove something-now I think he wanted me to catch him knowing I would look. Later that night when he went to sleep after an evening of non stop texting over dinner I checked. Lo and behold there was a text from an old flame, which he initiated, in which she asked him how things were going with me and he replied "she is beautiful but she will never be you" at which point she seemed to turn to mush. Again, my heart sank. I scrolled to the next text from someone asking him point blank if he wanted to f___ again next Tuesday, he did not reply. I was disgusted. I could read no more so I have no clue what else was in it. I promptly woke him up and asked him to leave my house. He complied grumbling about me being crazy but again I let him in after he sobbed around the next day. I am foolish as hell, I know. I laugh reading my own words. I told him it was the text to his ex that hurt me the most. He reminded me it was her that ended it with him (like that makes me feel better) and he said he is not sure why he said that to her-which may be the honest truth however I believe he wants validation and likes keeping admirers in the wing.
Recently he went out of town for a business trip. While on the trip he did not call me for over 24 hours even after I texted him good morning and apologized for not texting him that evening (his last text was sent at 11 p.m.) and I was already asleep. Nothing. Crickets chirping for over 24 hours. When he did get home I received a text that read, "I am home", no more and no less. I sent him a text saying welcome back. He asked me what I was doing later and I replied trivia and he said he wanted to see me. When we saw each other he asked me if there was anything I wanted to ask him and I played coy. However later when we were in private I expressed my sentiments about him not calling at which point he showed me the text he had sent, basically just pics of his room and food, that I did not respond to. He showed me his call log and my number was there, yet I never received a even call nor did my phone log it. Very weird and I still do not buy it b/c my phone has never glitched like that before or since. Further during the evening he was constantly glancing at his phone. He spent the night and the next morning his phone dinged. I looked over and saw that a girl sent him a friend request. I looked her up obviously curious but at this point starting not to care but out of morbid curiosity, and saw she appeared to be a lady of the evening (please not I am not judging but her FB seemed like an ad). He never accepted her request but she started following him. I never, nor have I, said a word.
So aside from the small daily dalliances, the last major thing occurred Monday. He did not text me all day and then at 3 I receive a random text where he said, "If my ex shows up dead, it was not me". I know this is a joke so I inquired what happened. He replied "I am driving, cant text". That's cool...however four hours later still nothing. I text if all is well and he responds "Stay tuned". At 8:30 I call, no answer. I text, no reply. He calls me at 9:30 saying he just got in from his daughters recital and left his phone. I tell him I have had it-I mean it is always something sketchy and again, this and off itself, no biggie, it's the culmination of bulls. Next day I hear from a friend that my hot/cold boyfriend is giving away a music festival ticket on Facebook which we were supposed to attend prior to me writing him off the night before. This friend later text me and asks if we are all still going out on Saturday night since he saw that my boyfriend had a ticket for sale. I give in and called my boyfriend or whatever he is. This is where I am concerned about myself because I am not sure why I did this, I should have let it go. He ended up going to a birthday party with me after asking me if I really wanted him to go or was just saving face. I break down. He says he will go but we have to talk. We go and he is very distant and cool. At the party a friend of his sends me a friend request. Actually it is a guy we both know as we all went to the same college. Boyfriend sees the request and instantly replies on FB to a girl who asked him from the earlier FB post about the ticket to the concert-she had said prior that she would go if it were with him, at which point he said, so and so of course I would love to go with you. Just you and I. I think that is atrocious and mean spirited.
Later we leave and go talk. I express I am having trouble letting go and cannot understand his behavior which makes me feel like an after thought and is erratic-he is sweet sometimes-his brand of being sweet that is, and totally and completely absent others which is like a roller coaster. He goes on to say I am high maintenance and crazy jealous and that he is very busy with his career-actually he has made me behave this way as I have never been like this prior but his actions make me nuts. He tells me after our argument the previous night he went and had a drink with a mutual friend and she reassured him it was not him but me (what???). I think this is unfair and an inaccurate statement and totally inappropriate to talk about relationships with a mutual female friend. I tell him we have different priorities and this kind of relationship makes me uncomfortable and that I cannot take it anymore regardless of my personal feelings. He goes on to say, "be sure that is what you really want" and says that this is the first time I have expressed my concern over his lack of thoughtfulness-never have I dated anyone so non attentive, so unsentimental, so vague, so shady (seemingly on purpose at times). Never does he ask me regarding my day, never does he ask me about my appointments or feelings on a subject. Our conversations revolve around his personal dramas and me accusing him, which turns out to be true. He no longer holds my hand or reassures me and this started before I found out about the women. I would think that if he loves me as he claims and is sorry, he would go the extra step to make me feel secure yet he only gets more detached and bizarre with a push pull twist. He essentially turned the whole thing around and said I was demanding and nuts and told me his kids and his job came first and second (ouch, I understand kids first but that was callous and even if true bad timing and does nothing to help). When I mentioned the FB friend who he gave the lovey dovey response to, he replied she is engaged and he was only kidding. I told him he did it to punish me b/c of the friend request I received b/c he did it the very next second after he viewed my phone. He admitted that it was true and he did it to retaliate. He then pleaded with me to give him another chance to prove himself. I said no and he said let me be the one to decide. Very weird (and I am a fine one to talk about weird). I am really lost and not sure what I have encountered. I know I should not be with him, this is toxic and I have to move on, but I am at a loss as to what this is exactly?
As it is I am in a 4 month old relationship with a man who is a bit older than me (I am 37 and he is 44). He is handsome, charming, smart, a bit arrogant, and professional (attorney). At the start of our relationship I kept things light so whatever he did rolled off my back without ado. However our relationship progressed and we became an item. At the start, and when I say start it is not that long so I feel silly saying this, he was attentive and looked at me adoringly. We seemed to understand each other and would steal glances here and there-all very sweet. However in the last few weeks things have changed rather rapidly and taken a turn for the worse that has left me feeling confused. He is no longer as attentive and can be quite short with me-please note I am careful not to give an impression of being clingy or needy, in fact I make it a point to not be like this and I go above and beyond to do sweet things and be helpful. An example is after he moved in to his new home I cleaned and arranged his house for him (he requested my organizational help) and a few days later at a cocktail party when someone admired his chess table he said it was nice until I lost a piece (I, referring to me during my cleaning). Rather than being thankful and gracious, it was sort of sneering and derogatory. That is an example of many minor things.
This all really started a few weeks ago when we were having dinner with friends and he quite cavalierly stated that one of my friends had viewed him on a dating site-she later confirmed and ratted him out. I was floored and humiliated for obvious reasons, surprised and humiliated he would mention such at a dinner date with myself and his married friends. I held my feelings in and did not react. When I confronted him after the dinner he said it was true he was on the site but only looked to see who viewed him and did not actively engage and did not see why I was upset. I pretty much wrote him off that night. The next day he sent text saying he was sorry blah, blah, blah and that after discussing with his friend, the one at dinner with us the previous evening, his friend was equally as astounded and thought it inappropriate. Foolishly I let him back in.
As a precaution I checked the site one week later and not only was he on, he was on at the moment. I was sick. Out of curiosity I checked a few other random sites and he was also on those-like a serial dater and made me feel like a stalker. I did not mention anything until the next evening so would cool down I confronted him openly. He pleaded and begged and said he was not on any sites. I held his feet to the fire and he actively de-activated in front of me. All was fine but he kept denying even with proof-kind of like someone saying it's not me, the devil made me do it, someone else is using my account. I have yet to check on him again so really I have no clue if he is still on, but do not want to know and it does not matter at this point.
Other issues include asking for the number of my step sister whom he met once, being overly chatty and flirty with her an d all my female friends, friending all my friends on facebook and other such boundary issues-which actually I would think nothing off if it were not coupled with his other activities. For instance he knows since the dating site incident I am insecure yet he will text me things like, "guess who I am with", only to tell me he is having a drink with a friend of mine whom he saw in town and sat down with. Regardless of how I react (and I try not to react negatively though that is changing) he will say later "you seemed pissed". It is not that I mind so much him having a drink or even with a friend he met through me, it is how he plays it out given the context and past actions.
After this another key event was when I checked his phone. And I know you guys do not know me but I can assure you I have never resorted to this kind of snooping behavior. I checked his phone for the sheer reason he is always on it. Without fail and regardless of the situation he looks down, smiles, text, the phone beeps, he text again-all very obviously with much ado and on a constant basis. When he received his new phone he made me, though I balked, use my print so I could access his phone-I guess since the dating site thing he wanted to prove something-now I think he wanted me to catch him knowing I would look. Later that night when he went to sleep after an evening of non stop texting over dinner I checked. Lo and behold there was a text from an old flame, which he initiated, in which she asked him how things were going with me and he replied "she is beautiful but she will never be you" at which point she seemed to turn to mush. Again, my heart sank. I scrolled to the next text from someone asking him point blank if he wanted to f___ again next Tuesday, he did not reply. I was disgusted. I could read no more so I have no clue what else was in it. I promptly woke him up and asked him to leave my house. He complied grumbling about me being crazy but again I let him in after he sobbed around the next day. I am foolish as hell, I know. I laugh reading my own words. I told him it was the text to his ex that hurt me the most. He reminded me it was her that ended it with him (like that makes me feel better) and he said he is not sure why he said that to her-which may be the honest truth however I believe he wants validation and likes keeping admirers in the wing.
Recently he went out of town for a business trip. While on the trip he did not call me for over 24 hours even after I texted him good morning and apologized for not texting him that evening (his last text was sent at 11 p.m.) and I was already asleep. Nothing. Crickets chirping for over 24 hours. When he did get home I received a text that read, "I am home", no more and no less. I sent him a text saying welcome back. He asked me what I was doing later and I replied trivia and he said he wanted to see me. When we saw each other he asked me if there was anything I wanted to ask him and I played coy. However later when we were in private I expressed my sentiments about him not calling at which point he showed me the text he had sent, basically just pics of his room and food, that I did not respond to. He showed me his call log and my number was there, yet I never received a even call nor did my phone log it. Very weird and I still do not buy it b/c my phone has never glitched like that before or since. Further during the evening he was constantly glancing at his phone. He spent the night and the next morning his phone dinged. I looked over and saw that a girl sent him a friend request. I looked her up obviously curious but at this point starting not to care but out of morbid curiosity, and saw she appeared to be a lady of the evening (please not I am not judging but her FB seemed like an ad). He never accepted her request but she started following him. I never, nor have I, said a word.
So aside from the small daily dalliances, the last major thing occurred Monday. He did not text me all day and then at 3 I receive a random text where he said, "If my ex shows up dead, it was not me". I know this is a joke so I inquired what happened. He replied "I am driving, cant text". That's cool...however four hours later still nothing. I text if all is well and he responds "Stay tuned". At 8:30 I call, no answer. I text, no reply. He calls me at 9:30 saying he just got in from his daughters recital and left his phone. I tell him I have had it-I mean it is always something sketchy and again, this and off itself, no biggie, it's the culmination of bulls. Next day I hear from a friend that my hot/cold boyfriend is giving away a music festival ticket on Facebook which we were supposed to attend prior to me writing him off the night before. This friend later text me and asks if we are all still going out on Saturday night since he saw that my boyfriend had a ticket for sale. I give in and called my boyfriend or whatever he is. This is where I am concerned about myself because I am not sure why I did this, I should have let it go. He ended up going to a birthday party with me after asking me if I really wanted him to go or was just saving face. I break down. He says he will go but we have to talk. We go and he is very distant and cool. At the party a friend of his sends me a friend request. Actually it is a guy we both know as we all went to the same college. Boyfriend sees the request and instantly replies on FB to a girl who asked him from the earlier FB post about the ticket to the concert-she had said prior that she would go if it were with him, at which point he said, so and so of course I would love to go with you. Just you and I. I think that is atrocious and mean spirited.
Later we leave and go talk. I express I am having trouble letting go and cannot understand his behavior which makes me feel like an after thought and is erratic-he is sweet sometimes-his brand of being sweet that is, and totally and completely absent others which is like a roller coaster. He goes on to say I am high maintenance and crazy jealous and that he is very busy with his career-actually he has made me behave this way as I have never been like this prior but his actions make me nuts. He tells me after our argument the previous night he went and had a drink with a mutual friend and she reassured him it was not him but me (what???). I think this is unfair and an inaccurate statement and totally inappropriate to talk about relationships with a mutual female friend. I tell him we have different priorities and this kind of relationship makes me uncomfortable and that I cannot take it anymore regardless of my personal feelings. He goes on to say, "be sure that is what you really want" and says that this is the first time I have expressed my concern over his lack of thoughtfulness-never have I dated anyone so non attentive, so unsentimental, so vague, so shady (seemingly on purpose at times). Never does he ask me regarding my day, never does he ask me about my appointments or feelings on a subject. Our conversations revolve around his personal dramas and me accusing him, which turns out to be true. He no longer holds my hand or reassures me and this started before I found out about the women. I would think that if he loves me as he claims and is sorry, he would go the extra step to make me feel secure yet he only gets more detached and bizarre with a push pull twist. He essentially turned the whole thing around and said I was demanding and nuts and told me his kids and his job came first and second (ouch, I understand kids first but that was callous and even if true bad timing and does nothing to help). When I mentioned the FB friend who he gave the lovey dovey response to, he replied she is engaged and he was only kidding. I told him he did it to punish me b/c of the friend request I received b/c he did it the very next second after he viewed my phone. He admitted that it was true and he did it to retaliate. He then pleaded with me to give him another chance to prove himself. I said no and he said let me be the one to decide. Very weird (and I am a fine one to talk about weird). I am really lost and not sure what I have encountered. I know I should not be with him, this is toxic and I have to move on, but I am at a loss as to what this is exactly?
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