Apprehensive to go back to my home town and work

I've worked in McDonalds back at my home town for around 4 years now, but since leaving the town for University in September 2013 I only have to work there during term times to keep the job, which keeps me out of my Mother's house more when I'm there!

When working there, I developed a persona that fit with the crowd, like an amplification of what my personality was like back then.. I was obnoxious, loud, cocky, 'the funny one', the one who said things that shouldn't be said, boisterous , etcetc... all those things that I've been slowly changing since moving away from this town.

Since going back last summer, people had said that I had changed etc... I actually lost a best friend from there because she couldn't accept my 'changes' or different views in the end... but I still developed this kind of personality in what I think to be an adaptive way to the situation and environment I was subjected to. It could also be that I've known these people that work there for years, and they've only fully seen me at my unconscious self and I act accordingly to their assumptions.

I'm exhibiting waves of anxiety and doubts about going back to work here, as it's a very mainstream petty job there are so many different personas in there, mostly of the sexual orientation (flirting, sexual remarks) and the kind of childish humor. It's like a massive pack of animals and they're all in their places, and then I come and jump right back into mine! it would be interesting to observe this kind of group behavior and how I fit for work purposes, but that's assuming I won't fall back into my old persona. There's even a part that's excited to go back and get into this relaxed self, but I felt uncomfortable doing so and it seemed draining back in the summer.

Does anyone else exhibit these kinds of feelings when they're going 'back' to somewhere? or just have glimpses of the old-self coming up again?

I also really don't want to see this friend, as I kind of 'crumble' when I see her and just feel so emotional as it's like we had a "connection" even though I discovered some not-so desirable traits in her. I actually get physiological symptoms! I'm scared as to make friends with her again to make it easier because last time we worked together 'non-friends' she made it so awkward and difficult for me in terms of talking to others, she basically just attacked me... or whether it'll just happen.

Am I over-thinking this? as in reality it's only for 8 days... and it may not be SO dangerous to adapt this persona to get through it?

Any comments or advice would be much appreciated!

I think you should be true to yourself in this situation and not slip into the old persona,job or not.Maybe trying to be something you no longer are is one reason for feeling drained. I sometimes find myself in a similar situation and then I try to stay within my limits regards to "dirty talk" etc. This often results in me saying little but doing a fair share of smiling. I also try to plant a seed or two. I have sometimes found this to have a calming effect on some in the group which have resulted in a few more normal and interesting conversations. The situation with your old best friend sounds rather stressing, maybe there are some tips in the forum on how to handle her if you do a search on petty tyrants. As it is only for 8 days it might be an interesting "project", but of course if the enviroment is so disagreable as to give you physical symptoms it might not be worth it..

Seems that you have outgrown this job! And your friend as well.

My suggestion would be to leave both and look for something new.

M.T.

birk said:

I think you should be true to yourself in this situation and not slip into the old persona,job or not.Maybe trying to be something you no longer are is one reason for feeling drained. I sometimes find myself in a similar situation and then I try to stay within my limits regards to "dirty talk" etc. This often results in me saying little but doing a fair share of smiling. I also try to plant a seed or two. I have sometimes found this to have a calming effect on some in the group which have resulted in a few more normal and interesting conversations. The situation with your old best friend sounds rather stressing, maybe there are some tips in the forum on how to handle her if you do a search on petty tyrants. As it is only for 8 days it might be an interesting "project", but of course if the enviroment is so disagreable as to give you physical symptoms it might not be worth it..

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Yeah I don't think it's much worth, but it'll be interesting to see if I can dampen my old persona down to a degree where it's no longer an issue!
However, that being said, I'm almost certain I won't be going back after these 8 days..
I'll be attempting to plant some seeds and hold off the silly humour!

I'm just doing a search on Petty tyrants now, thank you :)

Minas Tirith said:

Seems that you have outgrown this job! And your friend as well.

My suggestion would be to leave both and look for something new.

M.T.

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You're right, changes have to be made!
It's kind of like leaving an old part behind, a part that needs to be left behind anyhow!

Thank you for your responses :)

lilyalic said:

I've worked in McDonalds back at my home town for around 4 years now, but since leaving the town for University in September 2013 I only have to work there during term times to keep the job, which keeps me out of my Mother's house more when I'm there!

When working there, I developed a persona that fit with the crowd, like an amplification of what my personality was like back then.. I was obnoxious, loud, cocky, 'the funny one', the one who said things that shouldn't be said, boisterous , etcetc... all those things that I've been slowly changing since moving away from this town.

Since going back last summer, people had said that I had changed etc... I actually lost a best friend from there because she couldn't accept my 'changes' or different views in the end... but I still developed this kind of personality in what I think to be an adaptive way to the situation and environment I was subjected to. It could also be that I've known these people that work there for years, and they've only fully seen me at my unconscious self and I act accordingly to their assumptions.

I'm exhibiting waves of anxiety and doubts about going back to work here, as it's a very mainstream petty job there are so many different personas in there, mostly of the sexual orientation (flirting, sexual remarks) and the kind of childish humor. It's like a massive pack of animals and they're all in their places, and then I come and jump right back into mine! it would be interesting to observe this kind of group behavior and how I fit for work purposes, but that's assuming I won't fall back into my old persona. There's even a part that's excited to go back and get into this relaxed self, but I felt uncomfortable doing so and it seemed draining back in the summer.

Does anyone else exhibit these kinds of feelings when they're going 'back' to somewhere? or just have glimpses of the old-self coming up again?

I also really don't want to see this friend, as I kind of 'crumble' when I see her and just feel so emotional as it's like we had a "connection" even though I discovered some not-so desirable traits in her. I actually get physiological symptoms! I'm scared as to make friends with her again to make it easier because last time we worked together 'non-friends' she made it so awkward and difficult for me in terms of talking to others, she basically just attacked me... or whether it'll just happen.

Am I over-thinking this? as in reality it's only for 8 days... and it may not be SO dangerous to adapt this persona to get through it?

Any comments or advice would be much appreciated!

Click to expand...

Do you really want to return to your old patterns of behavior? The ones I assume you've
worked hard to change. In my opinion, it's not worth it. These people no longer hold the same
values as you do, and as such their opinions shouldn't bother you much. You can also apply external
considering and strategic enclosure, i.e. there's no reason to gather unwanted attention and possible attacks.

I had the same experience myself, going back to a place and situations that I've "outgrown", and I found a simple way to get through them that worked for me:

I do as less talking as is possible. I found that if people start talking to me, it is very easy to turn the subject back to them. Even a simple "How are you, what's new with you, we haven't seen you in a while?" and I say, "I am very good, geez, yes, it's been a long time. Your daughter must be walking by now, tell me all about it" Or "You look so well, great things must be happening for you, tell me all about it!" Well, very basic examples, but you get the picture - I hope! It's amazing that most people won't realize you didn't answer their question, and they will spend the entire time in monologue and later say we had a good "conversation" :) Of course I actually listen. Sometimes people have very interesting things to say. But if not, I haven't wasted my energy, I just smile and nod. I don't find it necessary or even helpful, to go around showing that I changed. When I did change, I lost a few "friends" along the way, but I have better and deeper relationships with those who remained and were able to get over the fact that I won't be drinking with them anymore or other stuff like that.

At the workplace, think of it as playing a role: "Oh, I'll act like a waitress today! I'll smile and be nice to people and crack jokes, I'll even tell the guy who tried to grab my behind that that area is out of grabs for him and he can instead grab his burger and get lost. Always smiling!" Or find some way that you can have fun with it. If you think about it, most of our lives we played a role and we did not know it. It's way more entertaining to choose consciously to act a role, like in theatre ;)

Regarding your ex-friend; will she be working at the same place as you? Do you have to see her and interact with her on a daily basis? If your relationship is stuck and does not work anymore, there's no point in doing anything about it. It will be painful, but maybe just be polite towards her and try not to have any expectations from any interaction. You can act in a civil way, and she can act and react however she wants to. Let it become her problem. OSIT. I hope this helps.

Anthony said:

Do you really want to return to your old patterns of behavior? The ones I assume you've
worked hard to change. In my opinion, it's not worth it. These people no longer hold the same
values as you do, and as such their opinions shouldn't bother you much. You can also apply external
considering and strategic enclosure, i.e. there's no reason to gather unwanted attention and possible attacks.

Click to expand...

It's a definite NO for wanting to return to old behavioral patterns.
External consideration will be a main goal!

Alana said:

I do as less talking as is possible. I found that if people start talking to me, it is very easy to turn the subject back to them. Even a simple "How are you, what's new with you, we haven't seen you in a while?" and I say, "I am very good, geez, yes, it's been a long time. Your daughter must be walking by now, tell me all about it" Or "You look so well, great things must be happening for you, tell me all about it!" Well, very basic examples, but you get the picture - I hope! It's amazing that most people won't realize you didn't answer their question, and they will spend the entire time in monologue and later say we had a good "conversation" :)

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That's a real useful piece of experience you have given me! I'm pretty certain that these people would love all the chance given to speak about themselves... I'll have to keep my ears open without drifting away into my own mind!

Alana said:

I don't find it necessary or even helpful, to go around showing that I changed. When I did change, I lost a few "friends" along the way, but I have better and deeper relationships with those who remained and were able to get over the fact that I won't be drinking with them anymore or other stuff like that.

Click to expand...

Yeah it wasn't so much parading around showing everyone I'd changed, others just noticed that I weren't the usual judgemental self, or more so I didn't like to indulge in 'gossip' and of course I was questioned time and time again on what I was eating, why, WHY i wasn't eating McDonalds!!! etcetc...

Alana said:

At the workplace, think of it as playing a role:

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Yeah aslong as I keep in the mindset that it is a playing role and not become the actor! Staying "awake" will be a challenge..

Alana said:

Regarding your ex-friend; will she be working at the same place as you? Do you have to see her and interact with her on a daily basis? If your relationship is stuck and does not work anymore, there's no point in doing anything about it. It will be painful, but maybe just be polite towards her and try not to have any expectations from any interaction. You can act in a civil way, and she can act and react however she wants to. Let it become her problem. OSIT. I hope this helps.

Click to expand...

Yeah she works there, I will have to see and interact with her... I won't be making friends with her again, I just presume she will make it difficult for me. Also, she still goes round to my mums house to buy drugs, and she walks my dog! so whenever I go home, I'm kind of 'on edge' about seeing her.
I'll be civil with her, I'm hoping she'll be civil with me.

Thank you for your advice :)

Hi lilyalic,

nice to meet you, thanks for sharing.
I haven't been on here long as you can see, so I don't know that much about you personally.

What I'm wondering right now is, how much do you feel you've personally grown in this last time period you have been away from home? To me, the nice thing about living somewhere else, and then going back home is that it is a good way to gauge personal progress, you know? What have you really integrated on a day-to-day level? Living in a bigger town among strangers it's kind of easy to think we got our act together, when maybe, we've really just got a better bubble, or more likely, no one has tried to get inside of it. And then you have to go hang with mom and whoever it is, watch them push your buttons, pop your bubble metaphorically speaking.

I guess what I am suggesting is that you have an opportunity here to exercise some valid curiosity, about yourself and how you deal with things. You can use it to exercise new skills, view the past from a different perspective. I'm sure you've got a pretty good understanding of your past, from whatever perspective you have had and have now. But have you had the stillness inside to view all of that from a new perspective?

To me this is what is useful about physical family. They project yes, they expect yes, what about you? Are you done with that? You know if you are finished with that, minimum wage jobs are a dime a dozen, you can move on. Most parents want their child to have their own life, whether because they love them or because they don't love them. Funny how that works. If your family is part of the 5-6% and likes to feed on you, you have to ask yourself why you still are in a position that they can.

However, by definition, most people are not the 5-6%. I think sometimes, we get hung up on the psychopaths, not to diminish their impact on our lives. But when you look around, what 5-6% psychopaths means when you view the majority of people is that there is a huge amount of pain in the world, your family and friends included. What does service mean from that perspective, for you?

I hope you find something useful here. I may have repeated something from Alana or Anthony but I feel you here. I've lived away from my family since I was 17, and have always had to go back to mom and dad's myself. Curiosity helps. If you do as Alana suggests, and focus on turning the conversation back those people, spend less time talking about you, you may hear something different from them, you know, in your heart I mean.

Good luck!
Peace,
AB

archangelbob said:

Hi lilyalic,

nice to meet you, thanks for sharing.
I haven't been on here long as you can see, so I don't know that much about you personally.

What I'm wondering right now is, how much do you feel you've personally grown in this last time period you have been away from home? To me, the nice thing about living somewhere else, and then going back home is that it is a good way to gauge personal progress, you know? What have you really integrated on a day-to-day level? Living in a bigger town among strangers it's kind of easy to think we got our act together, when maybe, we've really just got a better bubble, or more likely, no one has tried to get inside of it. And then you have to go hang with mom and whoever it is, watch them push your buttons, pop your bubble metaphorically speaking.

I guess what I am suggesting is that you have an opportunity here to exercise some valid curiosity, about yourself and how you deal with things. You can use it to exercise new skills, view the past from a different perspective. I'm sure you've got a pretty good understanding of your past, from whatever perspective you have had and have now. But have you had the stillness inside to view all of that from a new perspective?

To me this is what is useful about physical family. They project yes, they expect yes, what about you? Are you done with that? You know if you are finished with that, minimum wage jobs are a dime a dozen, you can move on. Most parents want their child to have their own life, whether because they love them or because they don't love them. Funny how that works. If your family is part of the 5-6% and likes to feed on you, you have to ask yourself why you still are in a position that they can.

However, by definition, most people are not the 5-6%. I think sometimes, we get hung up on the psychopaths, not to diminish their impact on our lives. But when you look around, what 5-6% psychopaths means when you view the majority of people is that there is a huge amount of pain in the world, your family and friends included. What does service mean from that perspective, for you?

I hope you find something useful here. I may have repeated something from Alana or Anthony but I feel you here. I've lived away from my family since I was 17, and have always had to go back to mom and dad's myself. Curiosity helps. If you do as Alana suggests, and focus on turning the conversation back those people, spend less time talking about you, you may hear something different from them, you know, in your heart I mean.

Good luck!
Peace,
AB

Click to expand...

Nice to meet you too, archangelbob!

I never really thought of it as a "new bubble" but it does make sense to an extent! You're right when pointing out this is just a place with no direct attacks from people, so going back to that environment will be interesting, and as you said, looking more into how I deal with things.
You've actually brought something up in within me that I've not been fully conscious of, and that's that I haven't fully accepted all that is 'bad' within my home town and all the pain derived from there. So when you query whether I have this stillness about me, I have to some degree, but definitely not enough to protect myself when going back into these situations.

I have however, accepted and progressed from the past experiences enough to see SOME degree of objectivity on them, even that only be a tiny amount. For instance, instead of hating my Mother anymore, I just feel sorry for her and kind of accept her machine, although there's obviously some kind of emotion towards this.

I will definitely be applying external consideration, and not letting too much of myself out, as I fear it may reproduce the old! ;)

Your comments are extremely useful, thank you!

I am grateful you find it helpful.
Thank you for your welcome.

One could parallel it to the Odyssey in some respects... Homer making that voyage home, all those suitor programs... petty tyrants...

Dealing with the suitor programs, petty tyrants, metaphorically... not literally.

Though one need not go home to do that, but as circumstance has it, make the most out of the opportunity. Though if it’s only for 8 days, so it might not be an epic.

Anyway... fwiw

If I may... (to be Direct, not Absolute)

There is no such thing as Going Back.
You are not the same You as you were "back then",
Neither are They the same them, as they "were", regardless of Appearances.

If "they" seem "the same" and "you" seem "different", its only because you are now located on "different", coordinates. You might be in the same room, but worlds apart. Avoid the trap of self worship, " Oooh, why why why don't you eat McDonna's ????", makes you feel so GOOD, don't it? Congratulations! ....FAIL.

WHO gives a flying flip of the burger, that you won't devour Dear Donna's fish patty?? If you were dying in the desert, you might. And then what.. You gonna feel bad, about it? Puh-leeeeez.

The Key is to stop placing your Salvation, or lack thereof, outside of Your Self.

If you want to eat, eat. And if you don't want to, don't.

If you want to go back, go. And if you don't, don't.

You do, but you dont.

Its not about falling into "old" habits. Its about what you may become. If you fall into these "old" habits, then these habits aren't old, they're still fresh. And maybe the god awful truth is that you fear going back because you haven't changed at all, and going back will slap that reality right across your face, and then you will feel "bad", cuz you thought your face looked different now, but alas, its the same old you.

So Disappointing.

Nope. I say GO. GO face your FEARS. And fear not...

There is a piece of you there.

What you do with it, is up to you.

Is there a need to go back to work there? Do you need the money while you look for another job? If not, I would suggest quitting instead of working another day there. I get the sense that you don't need the money, because you would only be working there 2-3 weeks before going back to school.

If you feel you need the money, as it is practical to have money for many reasons, and you have no other options, then what's wrong with going back for a short time? If you feel the situation isn't working or is somehow impeding your progress, but there is no real danger of being attacked, then maybe it's a good opportunity to resolve any lingering issues within you. Serve and learn....and breathe as it helps quite a lot with the apprehension.

Breathing calms the nerves and in that calm there is the opportunity to see the subjective-self, which is programming and personality masquerading as the authentic self, and to see it in an objective way. When you make the subject and object you are able to transcend that programming and grow. When you see it as something that is an object, that automatically implies by some law of consciousness that that object is "other" than you and therefore has nothing to do with you unless you make it so by re-attaching it to your true self. And by the way, where or what is that true self? Have you ever seen it, or felt it, or experienced it? Do you just somehow know it's there, even though there is no objective proof that you can find? What a strange conundrum. Think about that...and take another breath. Funny how all this just seems to happen, with some core of the experience, and all the while, the body continues to just breathe, in and out. It's natural, not that it has to feel good, per se, except that it's nature is peaceful and calm and...just natural. It's a reminder of the natural cycle of all things. Cosmic breath of life. Breathe in and out, except do it consciously.

And never, ever beat yourself up about anything if those old patterns start coming up again. Of all the illusions we face, shame and guilt, the idea that you are somehow in debt to yourself, is the biggest lie of all. Think about it. How is it possible to be in debt to yourself, in practical terms, and again on the issue of money where this reply started. Say you have some money, and you wish to buy something because you don't have any money, so you lend yourself the money, which you don't have, so you can then have the money that you already had. So the patterns come up, whether you expect them to or not, and by some process, this time you are able to notice it. First, maybe it comes with some anxiety. So what. Notice that because it is also a pattern, and you can make yourself no longer subject to that either. Look at it objectively. No worries. Sure, it might feel bad for a little bit. Growth can be painful. No need to retract. No need to blame yourself for feeling bad. It's just a program. It's not you. And by the way, it's not you who might be beating yourself up, either. That's also a program. It's a biggie. It's a huge part of the Predator's mind. It feeds on you by making you feed on yourself. How crazy is that? It's unbelievably impossible, and I mean literally impossible. You can't eat yourself. You can't be in debt to yourself. You can't beat yourself up. And, of course, you can't make yourself more than you naturally are either. What else can you be but what you are, now and always. How funny it is that we get so convinced otherwise. Nevermind even imagining that you can. How amazing. I feel like I'm writing this to myself. Of course that has to be the case, but it still appears to be so. Thankfully, I learned long ago not to beat myself up about things, though sometimes those programs come up, and for a moment, I see my own mental-emotional fist forming, and I just notice it, and the more I notice it, the sillier and more amazing that non-fist becomes, and when the punch is thrown, it whiffs.

And I notice and breathe some more.

This was fun. Please, feel free in whatever your choice, mickey-dees or otherwise. I'll take a nice breath for you in the mean time.

ge0m0 said:

When you see it as something that is an object, that automatically implies by some law of consciousness that that object is "other" than you and therefore has nothing to do with you unless you make it so by re-attaching it to your true self. And by the way, where or what is that true self? Have you ever seen it, or felt it, or experienced it? Do you just somehow know it's there, even though there is no objective proof that you can find? What a strange conundrum. Think about that...and take another breath. Funny how all this just seems to happen, with some core of the experience, and all the while, the body continues to just breathe, in and out. It's natural, not that it has to feel good, per se, except that it's nature is peaceful and calm and...just natural. It's a reminder of the natural cycle of all things. Cosmic breath of life. Breathe in and out, except do it consciously.

Click to expand...

Seeing 'it' as an object will definitely be beneficial, I have no idea whether I've been exposed to a 'true self' other than a sense a peace whilst doing meditation, and the major objective of "freeing from the machine"... there's obviously major fragmentations that are slowly but surely being worked on (I haven't even come close to discovering them all).

Breathing unconsciously seems to be completely mechanical, and you're right when you point out that breathing consciously would assist in keeping awake.

ge0m0 said:

And never, ever beat yourself up about anything if those old patterns start coming up again. Of all the illusions we face, shame and guilt, the idea that you are somehow in debt to yourself, is the biggest lie of all. Think about it. Growth can be painful.

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It is part of the learning cycle that we're breaking through these illusions and seeing them for what they truly are, and that is why it is painful!
Thank you for mentioning falling into the habit of feeling as if you are in debt to yourself, this has made me think of the times I have shun myself down for the machine at work. But, as we are working away from the machine it seems liable to feel a little ashamed when it goes the opposite way (very much a programme as you stated, ah the machine again!)

ge0m0 said:

I feel like I'm writing this to myself. Of course that has to be the case, but it still appears to be so.

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It's amazing how we can give advice on situations and find things out about ourselves, or it's as if we are giving advice to ourselves at the same time. Networking ;D

ge0m0 said:

I'll take a nice breath for you in the mean time.

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Your input is much appreciated, and your peaceful approach is nice to see.

Many thanks, all the best!