The broken pitcher.
Today, when I was looking for the transcripts and did not find them, I was shocked again. Not knowing what to do at the moment, I decided to stay to my former plan to tell the story what was going on in my life after posting this filmlink.
As I wrote before I did not watch the film before posting but did so afterwards. I was expecting a little information about Nash' theory and thought this would be helpful in understanding more of the situation. What I got was a bad movie and I felt bad afterwards.
Next day I finished Wave 7 and the bad feeling had meanwhile grown worse. I felt like someone hit me in the stomach and belly. Although I have been reading some 50 pages of Political Ponerology and the Wave Series 1-6 I felt completely shocked again, no ground to stand on anymore. I want to thank Laura here for this very precise and detailed descriptions. I would not have been able to "understand" how these psychopaths are in real life. I needed to "feel" it and this is what I got - I felt sick. Then the day went on.
From time to time I arrange free peergroups for/ with people who are trying to get a little wiser in life, so to say, are interested in personal growth, how to change their belief-systems or just feel the need to talk about something that is going on in their life. My aim is to create an atmosphere where one can speak free and truthful, something that is not possible in this society, especially when you have to work in regular offices. I've been doing this for almost 10 years now, 3-7 times a year, as the need aroses. Mostly we are 3-5 persons. And if things are going well everybody feels better after this meetings, has found to his or her "roots", or "targets" or "reasons of being alife" again. We all have learned various helpful things to get on in life and in sharing these we can support each other - thats my opinion, and therefore I dont see myself as a "leader" but just as a person who is taking the action.
This kind of meeting was supposed to take place this very evening - me being kicked completely in the belly AND with fullmoon.
First thing that happened:
I got into the train (30minutes way without stop!), looked for my ticket, realized I had left my moneybag in the bathrom of the cafe nearby the railwaystation. Did not have a number, nor a phone where I could connect to the internet. Went to the dining car and asked loudely for help. 2 guys, very kindly helped me to get the number of that Company, I had to talk to a person that was not used to German :O, finally got the number, called, my moneybag was still there - 20 Euros were missing. Okay. All cards there. Happygolucky! :P
Sitting in the train without money, making plans how to get back, I realized that there would be more troubles be ahead this evening. Not with the Money. I had some money left at the place where I had to stay overnight.
But: One of the persons, Mrs. R. whom I had invited for this evening had started a little bit acting against my intentions. Last time she adressed me as "Chief" bringing in a hierarchy which was not my Intention as I mentioned before.
It was not the first time there was a little stitch licke that but the lesson I obviously had to learn, was: "Pity those who pity" and therefore I had invited her again because she seemed to be in a very stressful situation with loosing her job etc..
This afternoon she had called me and wanted to know who would be there and whether she could bring another person, too. The way these questions were put made my hair stand up. It was like she was trying to take over control - eliminating a "chief".
I arrived at our place, made my preparations, tried to calm down (no chance!
) and waited. The first person to come was M., a truthspeaker, having some troubles with asthma. My collegue S., who always is with me, was missing.
After a while Mrs. R. knocked and when I opened the door I thought I had a halluzination: Mrs. R is blond, and was wearing a red coat. Behind her there was a duplication of her, one head taller: A blond woman with the same red coat - (I knew her from my job and kept her at distance because she simply is a snake).
So there I was. I realised that there would be an adventure, because she had doubled her forces. Felt more worse and tried to get things (meaning myself
) under control. Not possible.
And dear Mrs. R. started. Whilst it had been our way to talk about what had happened last week and see where there were progresses and what went good or bad, and then decide what would be good for today she instantly focused on M. with the asthma, offering her a method which would heal her. There was nothing I could do against it, could I? The week before we had been talking about grandmothers, mothers and their importance in our lifes. She started with a saying like: "there is no need to talk about grandmothers and their connections to our lifes" and she started with her what she called healing session for M.. And since M. was accepting that offer it was not my turn to say No.
When she started to talk about her method (might be like Quantenhealing - I cant remember) she simply tried to hypnotize everybody in this room - without having asked for agreement. I stopped her and asked her why she was talking in this way. She said she had to explain things and I decided to leave the room, because M. seemed to want this session. But this was nothing for me. It was simply manipulation. And this brings a different energy which I cannot stand any more. And I grew more and more angry about the whole situation.
And then, after Mrs. R. had finished her session she came to get me back to the room, apparently worried what was going on with me.
I talked a little bit to M. who said she was okay. Mrs. R. started:
"Why would you leave the room? Do you have anything against me?" -
"I only allow one person to hypnotize me!"
"So you dont trust me?"
"No, I dont trust you!" I needed very much courage to say it straight in her face.
And then she started telling about Love and that this was the most important thing in life and all could be healed with love and she felt pity for me.
As she asked me how I thought about it the dam broke. I started to tell her what I would have liked to have done this evening and went on and on and on, finally explaining her the world of the psychopaths and the sufis way of life ;D - - - and then it was enough. The double of Mrs. R rose and said she had enough and after a few seconds Mrs. R. also said: "I think I am not welcome here." I agreed and they left.
Thinking about it in retrospective it sounds really funny. But it upset me really.
"Der Krug geht so lange zum Brunnen bis er bricht". The pitcher goes often to the well, but is broken at last.
It seems that my pitcher, called "I feel pity for XXX" is broken at last.
Mrs. R. has done harm to me very often, but in such a subtle and friendly and heartful way that I did not realise it.
Only after the last time I met her I realised that I always felt bad when I left her and with all the reading about the behaviours of that psychopaths I was able to recognise more.
As she is talking in a very friendly and peaceful way I did not dare to stuck to my feelings, and so I needed this lesson - simply as that, isn't it?
It took me another 3 days to get out of this very disturbing feelings, tried to do EE and some other, but could not stuck to any kind of calming down. Since it was not the first time some patterns broke in this "dramatic" way I knew that after 3 days things would be solved.
AND: I was aware that while being in that bad mood it was extremely necessary to get to my coldwater bathes back again.
This time I had to take a warm bath before the 10 minutes cold water because I was so upset!
On day 2 I remembered Gurdijeffs saying that there are so many persons in one body. And I realized that there also is a Cowgirl in me.
And while I was talking like a broken dam I learned that this Cowgirl can shoot if necessary. And this is calming!
And btw: Shooting does not need a weapon!
