New to this forum and need some objective advice please!

Hello. I'm brand new to all this- a friend of mine suggested that i join and tell my story here to get some real objective opinions and advice. He told me this forum is full of enlightened and aware people who might be able to see things from a prespective that I currently have no access to as I'm emotionally attached to the situation. Here's the story: I have been in a relationship with a guy for over a year and I became pregnant about 9months into our relationship.

The pregnancy was not planned yet I was under the impression from my bf that he wanted to have kids with me at some point. We have had our share of issues as we moved in with each other very very quickly- we had an incredible connection and bond right away and the love was beautiful and strong. He is younger then me by 4 years (I'm 33) and we both have major communication problems that we never actually resolved from the beginning. As it now stands, he feels that our fights and arguments involved too much control and manipulation from me and that he should have spoken up and set boundaries with me from the beginning. But he didn't. And I have abandonedment issues from an abusive childhood that I haven't dealt with until this last blow up we had.

Now I'm taking the time to really heal my little girl inside me and take care of her so she doesn't feel scared when someone tries to walk away during an argument. I understand my bf has valid points however he is placing a lot of blame and anger on me about what has gone wrong. He doesn't know how to share his thoughts or feelings and is not stable in his career. He has financially needed my help several times the last year and I have supported him any way I can. He now says that I 'bought his love' which is incredibly painful because that is not at all what my intentions are. I always saw it as what you can't give in money- give in time. And I feel that sometimes in a relationship one person may be in a position to do more but that over tthe course of the relationship that balance will shift. I never expected anything back from my bf but either way he feels controlled and has a fear of losing himself and his freedom. About 3 weeks ago we had a terrible fight over some silly thing in front of his whole family while they were visiting. He was very embarrassed and angry and That was the straw for him and ever since then we have been staying in separate rooms. We started going to a therapist to see if it's salvageable especially because we are about to have a little boy in 3 months.

He has been checked out of our relationship and this pregnancy since the beginning. He has dealt with his feelings by going and drinking which he's done since we met (it's been a sore subject for me and I havent always handled it well) but the drinking got worse since I became pregnant. He says he's hurt that ive accused him of having a drinking problem and he claims it's not an issue- just that it's been an outlet for him to deal with my fear and anger during fights. I know this is all very long but I wanted to give as many details as possible to show both sides. Bottom line- I've realized that no matter what my intentions I've made mistakes by trying to control him and not dealing with the actual fear of abandonment I've carried for so long. I have now started going to codependency meetings and reading books and articles that resonate for me. It's been helping for sure. My question now in all this is for a few weeks it has been awkward and emotional especially since im almost 7 months pregnant, and he has completely withdrawn from me. He is physically in our apt but hasn't paid rent and keeps going back and forth about how unsure he is about us. He is absolutely terrified of letting his guard down and having us go back to our old relationship.

No matter how many times I've told him that it's up to us to build a new relationship and that we can take our time in doing so, he seems to keep being stuck in the past. I cannot change the past. All I can do is work on myself and learn to break some patterns I'm not proud of. I feel like he's very confused and keeps saying very hurtful things that I find unfair. I find some of his actions immature and it's confusing me. I am an authentic person who has always tried to love him unconditionally. I realize my approach was terrible and out of balance but I feel like there has been no betrayal or break of trust. To me, relationships can endure so much more and that it takes work to get to the other side. Grass is greener where you water it. Yet he says he doesn't trust my intentions and doesn't know what he wants. That he doesn't want to leave because he wants to be in his sons life. His father died of an overdose when he was three so it's his worst nightmare for his son to grow up without him. Yet if he doesn't have any love for me or want to rebuild a new relationship with me then I don't think we should live together with tension.

So I suppose my question is do I keep giving it time and space and let him figure out what he wants to do? He says he loves me but that he resents me. Or do I tell him if he's not sure and not all in this then it's best we part ways? I'm so hurt that he thinks I'm trying to trap him with this baby and by lending him money. It's not at all what my dreams and hopes for our relationship were. My friend says there might be a third option that maybe I cant see yet, but I am so sad that im having a hard time knowing what the right thing to do is. After all we are having a child and I would hope that was enough for us to want to give this a real shot. But maybe for him it's not. Any advice or words of wisdom is greatly appreciated.

Thank you.

Edit=Paragraphing for easier read.

Beme said:

Hello. I'm brand new to all this- a friend of mine suggested that i join and tell my story here to get some real objective opinions and advice. He told me this forum is full of enlightened and aware people who might be able to see things from a prespective that I currently have no access to as I'm emotionally attached to the situation.

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Hi Beme, and welcome.

It is really hard to give advice to people one hardly knows, but I think that your friend's advice is good about getting a different perspective. When we are emotionally immersed in relationships and situations is very hard to see things objectively.

Have you talked to your friends and family about what's going on and how you are feeling? What is their perspective? If they know you both in real life, and saw you together, what do they have to say about it all?

You say also that you have been in couple's therapy. A lot of the issues must be coming out there too, for both of you. What is your therapist's perspective? What does she/he have you work on if anything?

I think that the answers to these questions might help you (and us) get an outsider's view at the moment, and thus, a more objective perspective about what's going on. Sometimes the best way to See a situation is to think that your story is told to you by your best friend. She is asking for your help, what would you tell her?

I hope this helps :)

Dear Beme, try http://eiriu-eolas.org/ - it will help you calmly assess situation. Just do NOT do "warriors breath" and "round breathing" part - based on hyperventilation, as it could induce birth through oxytocine excretion. If you will meditate and pray to gods, answers should come to you. After birth full EE program could help you deal with childhood trauma and there are many other ways (like spirit release therapy, ketogenic diet) which you will find here. Good luck!

Beme said:

He now says that I 'bought his love' which is incredibly painful because that is not at all what my intentions are
.

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so, "the road to hell is paved with good intentions"
if there's something I'm learning is not giving people a lot, that way you usually give everything they want and when you say "no" tend to get angry.

A personal question:
about your baby. Both took the choise of have it or in the beginning some of you are disagreed?

Alana said:

You say also that you have been in couple's therapy. A lot of the issues must be coming out there too, for both of you. What is your therapist's perspective? What does she/he have you work on if anything?

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I was wondering the same thing. Your couples therapist might be better placed here to offer advice, knowing you both.

One way to look at such things is to consider our children and the examples we wish to set for them about life. What do we wish to teach our children by example about relationships, about what is acceptable, reasonable? Would we be happy for our children to repeat the same dynamics in their own relationships, in every detail? Say your child came to you in years to come asking the very same questions, what would you advise them to do and why?

Thank you all for your replies. To answer a few of the questions:

Ours therapist isn't really giving us anything concrete to work on which is leading me to seek out another therapist currently. I feel like maybe I'm not getting enough out of the sessions because I walk away feeling worse and more confused. Glad that a few of you asked about that because it confirms my thought that maybe I need more guidance from him.

Our friends and family have been giving us mixed feelings and opinions. I think the thing everyone agrees on is making sure we have SOME kind of healthy relationship dynamic for the sake of our child because we both want to be a part of raising him in a healthy and sane manner. It's just challenging because I don't feel my bf is actually being open to moving forward in any direction and it takes both of us to do so. I also don't feel like this pregnancy is very real to him. He logically gents that we are having a child and I can tell he's very scared- but I don't think he actually understands that it's a little person in there. And that our baby is being affected already by all this stress and emotion.

When we first had discussed our pregnancy I was honeat about other options and my bf said that he thinks we should try and do this because 'he wants to have kids with me at some point......Even though this is really soon...... Let's just do it'. In romantic and passionate moments he would always tell me he wants me to be the mother of his children and maybe I shouldn't have believed that as a reality. Maybe it was just more in the heat of the moment.

I appreciate the question about what advice I would give my own child or my friend. It's hard because on one hand I believe in giving something your 100% especially if there was something good there to begin with. I believe life is very challenging and I have been through a lot of hardship myself and persevered. I think all relatuonships take work and I'm willing to do so. Especially on myself. Regardless of what happens with my bf. I guess im just frustrated because I am pregannt and really do need loving emotional support and am just not getting it. My family lives in Canada and so I don't have anybody really to depend on in this time of my life. I wish I could think more clearly but my emotions are definitely clouding my judgement.

Pregnancy is a real emotional roller coaster. First appearances pure delight when you discover that the test is positive - but soon it replaces FEAR.
Get rid of the problems that you struggle, because their agitation and transmit to the baby.
If you have already decided to have a child, a child you should now be in the first place.
The child feels your every negative excitement, calm down and talk to your partner openly what you want, what he wants and what is best for all of you.
A child is not a toy!

Did you come to the forum just for this type of advice, or are you familiar with our work in general? That is, if I quote the Cs to you about your situation, would you know what I meant?

Hi, While reading your post I could feel your confusion and pain and I am going to tell you what I see by what you have written. Please don't take what I say as any advice, this is only an observation of your situation

First of all, the quickness in which you developed such deep feelings and love for this guy is my first observation. I want to ask some questions to get to the bottom of what's going on because you wanted objective help and maybe by answering these you will see what you need to see on your own or if not it may help
How did you feel immediately prior to meeting your bf? Where you happy with yourself? lonely? stressed? confident? depressed? or combination of? what was your state of mind

how did you meet ?

Did you feel immediately comfortable talking to him? if so did you start telling him your problems and dreams and everything about yourself while he gave you his full attention and understanding what you are going through giving positive feedback? if so, while you were dating did he reveal the same to you?

what was it exactly about this guy attracted you when you first met? was he witty? sensitive? charming? easy to talk to? was it his eyes? his smile? his voice? His outlook on life?

What were you feeling immediately after meeting and talking to him? what was going through your mind and what were you feeling?


While you were first dating and everything seemed wonderful did he ever show signs of jealousy or do any thing that confused you? Did you see any red flags? were you ever reminded of person who hurt you in the past? Did your mind seem cloudy at times? were you hurt by anything he did? if so did he take responsibility for hurting you by sincere apology as recognizing his error learning from his error? or did he give excuses?


Before you moved in together Where was he living? Was he responsible? did he work? Did he pay his bills? was he always borrowing money? Did he keep promises? did he talk about other people?

who's idea was it to move in together?? Was he very helpful moving? was it stressful?

After you moved in together How many times has he paid his share of rent and utilities and food etc..?
When he borrows money does he make effort to repay?
Do your arguments seem about you although you have done nothing wrong? Does he walk out after starting them ? Do you feel guilty for being yourself?
Does he accuse you of cheating or wanting to cheat?
does he give straight answers?
does he always want to know who you talk to where you go ?
WHile you are at work do you know what he is doing?
Does he have many friends?
Do you feel that nobody understands what you are going through??

During your arguments has he ever expressed himself to you using the exact same words that you had spoken during a previous argument to explain your feelings to him?

You seem like a genuinely honest, kind, independent, compassionate, trustworthy as well as responsible person who gives a lot and does not ask much if anything in return. You expect that your efforts will somehow be repaid because it is blatantly obvious you are giving more than getting and you feel that it will come back around because that would be how you would act. You seem like a person who has a lot of love to give love and craves to feel that love in return. Is this you?