Recurring problem

Hello,

I am Lamp of Orion. I have rarely, if ever, posted. Commence rant.

I continuously bump into problems regarding my lack of responsibility. I get lectured on why I don't seem to care, and that I slack too much. I hate feeling fettered by things I see no importance in. I don't like having to pay for some useless certificate, I hate having to obey orders. I hate how I seem like the only one who sees the blood-curdling hypocrisy and bullshit that seems to govern the world, and my life. It seems so droll, so pointless, yet my addiction to tech isn't the best alternative either. My sense of humor is dead; I cannot reasonably joke with my peers. This cycle of disappointment I continuously run into: it feels like STS beckoning me to owe up to being a slave.. Because many of these responsibilities are more like fetters, to keep me doing nothing, or doing something useless (for me at least) so I can do more useless things. Medicine itself is corrupted, everything is bound to be ponerized. I feel that I must owe up to the call, that I have no option.

It started with my family pressuring me to study. The pressure to study, and then the pressure to be responsible. My family dealt with me as if I'm some sort if degenerate, trying to live like some run-of-the-mill everyday predator who didn't want to study, like I was trash, yet all I wanted was to read to my heart's content, and do what I wanted, and in the very least, study as I want. But no, I had to go through the absolute soul-crushing hell that is school, and my family added insult to injury. Now there are these responsibilities. As if all human interaction has some unspoken contract behind it. I must do this, I must do that. I must, well, as an example, keep my room at top condition, But what is the point? What is the point in interacting with peers who only care about sports, women and other "adult things"? What is the point in having to do petty stuff?

I honestly feel that the next step is to owe up to being a slave. I imagine that feeling really bad. I don't want to become what I hate. Yet, I see no other short-term destination.

tl;dr I feel that I continuously bump into a scenario that means "You must do this and that. Owe up to it.". I might not do it, or do so to a small extent, then revert to how I've always gone about. Then the scenario pops up again, not necessarily exactly as the one before, but still the same theme. Ad nauseum infinitum.

I want the C's to answer this:

Is there something wrong or deficient with my inner makeup? If not, what can I do to get me out of this cycle of disappointment?

EDIT: If not possible, I understand. I will respond to the latest beckoning in a different manner, and see what happens,

Lamp of Orion said:

I want the C's to answer this:

Is there something wrong or deficient with my inner makeup? If not, what can I do to get me out of this cycle of disappointment?

Click to expand...

The following Russian cartoon comes to mind. It translates as "Do the work, wimp!". Too harsh for your taste?



Besides, your profile says that you are 21 years old. If it's true, then your mother definitely shouldn't spend anymore energy on asking you to clean your room. You should do it by yourself. And yeah, that is being called "to be responsible", "to be a grown-up".

Keit said:

Lamp of Orion said:

I want the C's to answer this:

Is there something wrong or deficient with my inner makeup? If not, what can I do to get me out of this cycle of disappointment?

Click to expand...

The following Russian cartoon comes to mind. It translates as "Do the work, wimp!". Too harsh for your taste?

Besides, your profile says that you are 21 years old. If it's true, then your mother definitely shouldn't spend anymore energy on asking you to clean your room. You should do it by yourself. And yeah, that is being called "to be responsible", "to be a grown-up".

Click to expand...

Alright! Point taken! I needed it :P

Learning to enjoy clean uncluttered space could result in you cleaning to enjoy what you prefer. And you might find that your mind operates better as a result. Aside from that, who really wants to be around someone that keeps their space in a disarray or dirty all the time?

Learning to laugh and joke helps because being serious all the time can readily lead to bad health due to stress. Sometimes I intentionally start my day by looking for stuff on the net that makes me laugh or I joke around with people, then I do the day job work and other things that I need to do, and read the news throughout the day and evening (which is usually not good news) to balance it out.

Being responsible about things you gotta do is a good idea because rebelling against those things makes them more difficult to accomplish. There's a certain sense of satisfaction is doing what ya gotta do as best you can - if you take time to find that mindset.

Are you still living with your parents? maybe it's time to move out...

Lamp of Orion, it is hard to see your light shining it is so dim.
It would appear that you are still feeding off your parents, perhaps you don't understand that yet, but every bird gets shoved out of its nest whether it needs it or not, and your attitude says that your time has come.

Whether or not you become a Light to the World is up to you, and only you can determine your future.

Perhaps you could start by setting yourself some goals.
The first step is always the hardest, and yet unless you do take that step, you cannot move forward.
Unless you are on the ladder, you cannot hope to put anyone else on the step behind you.

It's up to you now.

Lamp of Orion said:

I continuously bump into problems regarding my lack of responsibility. I get lectured on why I don't seem to care, and that I slack too much. I hate feeling fettered by things I see no importance in. I don't like having to pay for some useless certificate, I hate having to obey orders. I hate how I seem like the only one who sees the blood-curdling hypocrisy and bullshit that seems to govern the world, and my life.

Click to expand...

Hi Lamp of Orion. Have you read about the concepts of external vs. internal consideration? There seems to be a lot of "i like" and "i don't like" governing your thinking. You get lectured about lack of responsibility - how can you make the situation that people around will start seeing you as a responsible person?

Lamp of Orion said:

It seems so droll, so pointless, yet my addiction to tech isn't the best alternative either. My sense of humor is dead; I cannot reasonably joke with my peers. This cycle of disappointment I continuously run into: it feels like STS beckoning me to owe up to being a slave.. Because many of these responsibilities are more like fetters, to keep me doing nothing, or doing something useless (for me at least) so I can do more useless things. Medicine itself is corrupted, everything is bound to be ponerized. I feel that I must owe up to the call, that I have no option.

Click to expand...

I totally understand that this world filled is with lies, hypocrisy and all that, and it can make us feel sometimes disappointed, angry and frustrated. You have all the right to your feelings. Next step is to start to observe when those feelings arise, and stop identifying with them - acknowledge and approve they exist, feel them and give compassion to yourself. EE meditation is a good tool for emotional work.

Lamp of Orion said:

It started with my family pressuring me to study. The pressure to study, and then the pressure to be responsible. My family dealt with me as if I'm some sort if degenerate, trying to live like some run-of-the-mill everyday predator who didn't want to study, like I was trash, yet all I wanted was to read to my heart's content, and do what I wanted, and in the very least, study as I want. But no, I had to go through the absolute soul-crushing hell that is school, and my family added insult to injury. Now there are these responsibilities. As if all human interaction has some unspoken contract behind it. I must do this, I must do that. I must, well, as an example, keep my room at top condition, But what is the point? What is the point in interacting with peers who only care about sports, women and other "adult things"? What is the point in having to do petty stuff?

Click to expand...

Your family sounds like they want the best for you - I wish my own parents would have pushed me to be more responsible with studies and life when i was young. Keeping your room clean is basic stuff of everyday life, this shouldn't be any problem in itself. But I understand how you feel. It sounds like there's many unsolved issues between you and your family, which you might want to take a deeper look. These things often distort how we perceive our family members. If you're familiar with the Work, then you know that we're all very mechanical beings: We can't always choose our environment (though in this case you're already 21 years old and could live by yourself and choose what to study etc.) and the people we interact, so the best way to make things easier is to start looking at our own behavior, and how we can make things easier - this will make much better results than demanding the Universe to bend to our will.

The Work is exactly where we are and all the events that unfold in everyday life have the potential to teach us something - that's one reason to interact with other people, even if they don't fully share the same worldview. And we're social beings, we need bonding with other people for the sake of our own mental health.

Lamp of Orion said:

I feel that I continuously bump into a scenario that means "You must do this and that. Owe up to it.". I might not do it, or do so to a small extent, then revert to how I've always gone about. Then the scenario pops up again, not necessarily exactly as the one before, but still the same theme. Ad nauseum infinitum.

Click to expand...

Can give few examples of these scenarios? How is your life situation otherwise at this moment - did you finish the school, are you still studying, or do you have a job now?

[quote author=Lamp of Orion]
This cycle of disappointment I continuously run into: it feels like STS beckoning me to owe up to being a slave.. Because many of these responsibilities are more like fetters, to keep me doing nothing, or doing something useless (for me at least) so I can do more useless things. [/quote]

Yes but you are missing the whole point about STS vs STO. Think of it this way - in cleaning your room and being responsible, you are being of service to your mother and your family. In getting qualifications and a job your are being of service to your community. Who exactly are you serving when you only want to play video games, leave your room a mess and read and do only what suits you?

It's like that Zen proverb:
Before Enlightenment:chop wood, carry water. After Enlightenment:chop wood, carry water.

<snip>....Medicine itself is corrupted, everything is bound to be ponerized. I feel that I must owe up to the call, that I have no option.

<snip>......yet all I wanted was to read to my heart's content, and do what I wanted, and in the very least, study as I want. But no, I had to go through the absolute soul-crushing hell that is school, and my family added insult to injury.

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Could you elaborate on this a bit more LoO? If it is medicine you are studying and you have been forced into it by your parents then yes, I do commiserate with you. Big pHarma has totally corrupted Medicine, and it is a tough course especially if your heart is not in it. And if it's not what you really want to be or do then you really need to address that. What would you really like to be doing?

The irony of this post though, is that ultimately only you can be responsible for breaking out of the 'cycle of disappointment' you find yourself in, not the Cs.

Self discipline. You must find the rules and boundaries you need in order to work out the solutions for the recurring problem. Such is the maths of life.

Lamp of Orion

I want the C's to answer this:

Is there something wrong or deficient with my inner makeup? If not, what can I do to get me out of this cycle of disappointment?

EDIT: If not possible, I understand. I will respond to the latest beckoning in a different manner, and see what happens,

Click to expand...

Maybe you can start by asking yourself the right questions.
http://cassiopaea.org/forum/index.php/topic,41859.0.html

Arwenn said:

It's like that Zen proverb:
Before Enlightenment:chop wood, carry water. After Enlightenment:chop wood, carry water.

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Definitely. As Laura says, we have to pay rent on life.

Also, you don't need the Cs to answer your question. Have you read 'In Search for the Miraculous'? See what Gurdjieff has to say about the good obyvatel vs the tramp, and see how that relates to yourself.

Have you read the Diet and Health threads?
You might be having a problem with mercury toxicity, after an MMR vaccine when I was 14, it really made me to where everything was "colorless" nothing to enjoy and no motivation or ambition. My family couldn't understand what was the matter with me, so I basically got kicked around. So, of course , I kicked myself around all those years, because I didn't know the cause.

So now it will be up to you, to figure out if that is your "cause" and do something about it.

There is definitely value in studying what resonates with you, so don't get yourself pressured into studying something you don't want to. On the other hand, as others said, it may be helpful to move out of your parents' house and start your own life.

If you want more meaningful conversations and connection, seek out groups and people who are like that. Are there any meetup groups nearby? I find that those are often a good place to meet interesting people and talk about things I am interested in.