What programs have YOU discovered?

[mabar]

Well, thanks joe seppe  … to tell you the truth it make me feel nicely uncomfortable?, I supposed I have this paranoid program too rooted, I happend to read yesterday this:

 

“Many children of narcissists turn out rather paranoid.  They develop hair-trigger sensitivity to anything that might be perceived as an attack, whenever someone commits an error, omission, or blunder that affects them.  They are affected when they needed not to be, believing that people are deliberately out to hurt them.  Life can be quite unbearable, as they always find themselves the targets of other people's bad moments.  Repeatedly attacked by the narcissist parent, they have come to believe that they were to blame for his or her moods.  The experience of being a target is lately extended or generalized to the responses of spouses, friends, children, rude car drivers, people who squeeze them out of seats on subways, and the drunks who call out dirty names as they walk by.”

It was curious, like a medicine  … next day after I wrote the post, I felt rather nice.  I had been having symptoms / sensations that I tend to see them as secondary effects from Beatha of the EE, and I had been nervous and anxious, so feeling nice and not focusing on anxiety give me more energy and encouragement to keep going. 

Thanks for you words they are and will help me too.

[joe seppe]

Mabar, your words have made it more clear to me why I need to be on this forum.  I have reread the post on external consideration and it is something I need to understand and practice to a greater degree.  In my post I had not considered enough of what it is you may be going through as someone who is coping with and trying to understand how they have been injured by the narcissists in their own lives.  I know that I too can become very uncomfortable when someone who I've only talked to briefly starts to become too overly familiar.  I feel I may have done you an injustice based on all the euphoric social feelings EE brings up for me.  Notice I said the feelings EE brings up for me.  I didn't say you, or anyone else, so that could mean there is a program running in me which makes a huge assumption that because I'm experiencing something others must be too and thus we are speaking the same emotional language.  I see now, through this lesson, that my words very easily could have caused this communication to go in a completely different direction and that I could have also alienated you and made you feel uncomfortable in your forum home.  I deeply apologize and would be grateful if anyone else could weigh in on how my words were perceived.  Thank you for your kind words and I'm glad that you are feeling more energetic and encouraged. 


   

[Menna]

Echo - I have the same problem if someone close to me says something or does something (that I believe to be negative) that I didnt expect or that I didnt feel was right. I will become quiet or feel offended and a negative emotion builds in me. Or if people close to me dont sympathize with me and just tell me what I should do I get defensive. I assume they think I don't know what the right thing to do is and I get offended....AHHHHHH

[echo]

Echo - I have the same problem if someone close to me says something or does something (that I believe to be negative) that I didnt expect or that I didnt feel was right. I will become quiet or feel offended and a negative emotion builds in me. Or if people close to me dont sympathize with me and just tell me what I should do I get defensive. I assume they think I don't know what the right thing to do is and I get offended....AHHHHHH

Menna- I just noticed your post and remembered that I thought about this today, when again I felt disappointed and wronged (which I seem to be feeling a lot ) A little later I was reading another topic on the forum and someone mentioned Pema Chödrön and some talk she gave, I didn't find that talk but I found another one:

_http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wh2g8OvnZuA&feature=related&noredirect=1

At about 1:30 she talks about righteous indignation and similar feelings which I think is what we're both experiencing. She advices to drop the story and EXPERIENCE the disappointment. I tried this with the situation I was in today and it didn't take long before I was able to see more objectively. I realized how I had probably misjudged the situation and when I took care of it, the outcome and whole experience was positive! I see a lot of possibilities with this technique in situations where before I would have just "shut down". The difference from how my thinking worked before is I was maybe ready to drop the story line (as in letting things pass for the moment) but not ready to experience the disappointment. Allowing those feelings really made a difference.

[MoskoeOne]

- Desire to traverse physical 3d space for the sake of itself,

-Desire to find reinforcement in others

-Desire to obstain from networking to prevent re-inforcement from others

-Fear of Fear

-'Fear' of time continuation

-'Fear' of dishonesty

-'Fear' of mundain aspects of reality

-'Fear' of financial poverty

-'Fear' of financial wealth

-'Fear' of no network

-'Fear' of lack of recognition of positive patterns

- Habit of associating emotions and emotional environments as well as images and pre-image elements to particular thoughts/triggers/labels, - resulting in lack of control over mental state, and irrational fear of certain experiences, labels, thoughts.

- Tendency to over-think, Tendency to over edit

- Arrogance

- Uncomfortable feeling when something seems 'unresolved' by some abstract criteria

[psychic_spy]

 I guess one of the most annoying and self-destructive program that i have is ''Do it tomorrow'' . I have loads of postponement issues when i have to do stuff that i don't enjoy doing. For example i didn't manage to learn Russian language until today and i've studied it for 4 years at the University. I managed to graduate at my final exams by a collegue's help and cheating and not by my own efforts. And in class work i speculate the proper moments to hide my lack of preparation . I'm very ashamed of that but i don't have the will to do my homework and practice until i god damn master it .
 
Here comes the other programme naming Fear, Anguish and Self-pity when i have to conform with the reality of the moment ( usually when i have to show my skill) and am unsure of myself. I tremble and fret untill i have somach aches ( i have irritable bowel syndrome) , head aches and other minor neurovegetative states that make me think i'm seriously ill.

Then i have Self-Aggrandisment programme starting - Self- Importance. i come home after a miserable day at college and think i can gather myself and put my potential to work and be able to study that day and concentrate like no one else. I imagine myself being praised and honoured by my professors and other students thanks to my efforts and intelligence.. and the day goes by , i get sleepy or apathetic and get to bed at 3 AM. Usually by the time i  come home and the time i get to bed i stay in front of my computer, reading things on this forum, astrology, talking on messenger, browsing for books and movies..I think i'm very mechanical at this time though i surprise myself sometimes as having flashes of insight into the meaning of many things, enthusiastic..

Dweeling on my obsessions and things of the past is another programme. And i become very spitlfull and irritable during it. I imagine myself getting revenge on those who hurt me in the past, confront them and even making them realise something profound and rare about their existence or i don't hurt them, i save them somehow, or help them transform from dysfunctional, psychopatic individuals into normal , caring people .
I imagine myself that doing the Work will inhace my self-awarness, improve my knowledge and skills so that i can become a teacher of esoterism , a healer, a sage.

Obssesive compulsive programme. I think exaggerately what i'm going to do the next day, the clothes i  will wear, the activities i'm going to engage in, how i'm going to arrange my hair ( i have 3 pairs of tooth brush , tooth paste, shampoo, shower gel and when i'm not decided which one i choose i play that silly game of ''pick one by chance). It takes me a lot of time cause i think about those things several times a day instead of focusing on my work... or should i say ''Work'' .

 Another issue that i have, though i'm pretty ashamed to state it here, is my preoccupation with sex . I have it since i was very little, in childhood and i wanted to see naked people or their sex organs , or see sexual images and get all turn on about it . I don't have a partner and i'm pretty shy when i have to date and interact with people of the opposite sex( though they tell me i'm not shy but either distant or dreamy), mostly on an emotional level. I thought that maybe physical exercise will diminish this quirk but it sems not to. Im not very bothered by it but i think it's somehow mechanical.

[Oxajil]

I imagine myself being praised and honoured by my professors and other students thanks to my efforts and intelligence
[...]
I imagine myself that doing the Work will inhace my self-awarness, improve my knowledge and skills so that i can become a teacher of esoterism , a healer, a sage.

Here comes the other programme naming Fear, Anguish and Self-pity when i have to conform with the reality of the moment ( usually when i have to show my skill) and am unsure of myself. I tremble and fret untill i have somach aches ( i have irritable bowel syndrome) , head aches and other minor neurovegetative states that make me think i'm seriously ill.

Hi psychic_spy,

Based on what I've read so far, here's what I think is going on with you to some extent. It seems to me that your physical health is not optimal and that your body is suffering. Also, sleeping at 3 AM is a great disservice to yourself and your body, it is very unhealthy.  If your psyche and mind is not optimal as a result of a bad diet and unhealthy lifestyle, then you won't feel and do optimal either. You seem to be unhappy and you seem to seek happiness from fantasies (or imagining); by fantasizing of being a good student or a great Work-teacher. Yet they are what they are, simply fantasies that keep you in the state you are. How can you change your reality if you keep escaping it?
Did you know that one of the narcissistic characteristics is:

"Fantasies of unlimited succes, fame, power, beauty, and perfect love (uncritical adoration)" ?

When I knew about this, I decided to stop fantasizing. Each time I started to fantasize, I reminded myself of the harmful effect it has on me and told myself to stop and think of something else, like my homework for example or I decided to meditate on my programs instead. And I kept repeating this until my tendency to want to fantasize diminished more and more.

The reason why fantasizing (in this context) is bad, is because it will make it harder for you to appreciate yourself as you are and it will make it harder for you to stick to reality. The cold reality is, is that we, as children from narcissistic families, aren't loved unconditionally, we aren't really loved as we are, they tend to want us to be a certain way - "perfect" in their eyes (just as their parents did the same to them). And the unfortunate thing is that we are never perfect in their eyes, whatever we do it's never enough, which makes us feel sad and worthless. But when we are perfect in our fantasies, we feel loved and accepted and it becomes our goal to be that way. The problem is, is that it is highly unrealistic and it makes you feel worthless In Real Life every time you realize that your fantasies do not represent the reality, it's a vicious cycle.

I guess the point I'm trying to make is that you don't have to be an A-student or the perfect highly praised teacher to feel important or to feel loved. I think that eliminating these fantasies and trying to seek why you feel dissatisfied with yourself or your life would help you much more.

And diet-wise... it takes discipline to increase your knowledge of your body chemistry, to figure out which foods suit you best, and then making the necessary changes for yourself. And if you show great discipline in one area in your life, you will better be able to practice the same discipline in other areas of your life. Plus, the diet will help you with more clear thinking and so much more.  I also think it will help you with keeping your sexual desire (or how you want to put it) under control. Doing EE regularly is also a form of discipline which will help you too.

So if you wanna change you have to make some super efforts. Recognizing the roots of your problems by reading the recommended psychology books and then really meditate about what you want in your life and take the necessary steps - and to always network of course. I think you've done a great job by observing yourself, but you have to ask, what now? What am I going to do about this? What's my plan?

If you choose to, personally, as a starter, I would think it's best for you to read "Primal Body Primal Mind" by Gedgaudas, because I think that you can better focus on the Work (psychology-wise) once your mind and body are more healthy. What do you/others think?
As always, fwiw.

[Tx22]

I stopped participating due to the the thought that it would keep me away from being me. I'm torn between those things. I have a strong program which says only information and knowledge I gather for my own is worth to follow and if others tell me what I should read it narrows my range of knowledge and makes me dependent, since if I read what others suggest I loose my own path. Though, I am not even sure it is a program because more and more I can't see why I shouldn't follow this strong, inner feeling what to read, it makes every information valuable while being said what to read and thus living the live of other people wipes out this feeling of having the exact right information at the right time. It is a completely different experience if I read sth. I chose for myself and really desire to read. If it is the other way I often don't remember the information well. There is not just plain information, for every book is a right or wrong time and much can be lost if one looses the feeling for what information is necessary in every given moment. It's like a flow if I chose it for myself but if am not free in this it comes to an halt and I don't learn anymore, not being myself anymore.

Also, during the last months, I hesitated to write because I can't open myself up. So often I was one click away from publishing what I had written about me, my situation but always the thought comes up, that it can be used against me and will make me vulnerable, dependent, if I take that step. I am so young and who knows what I will think in a few years. You people may have years of research behind you and can validate a lot more, for me there is so much new I am not sure if my conclusions will always correlate with the forum. More so, I have the fear that it will stop me from finding my own way if I am influenced by you and not being able to research independently. I am overwhelmed by the amount of books and information discussed here and can't keep up. It feels like falling behind and I don't want to feel like that, since learning is an highly individual matter which can't be "too slow", but for me it comes completely to an halt if I feel like learning is a way which has to be followed after a guideline. For me it is like my real self is abused when doing the latter. Also reading English is still so difficult that it hinders my progression and makes the reading experience dissatisfying. I have the impression some people here only mechanically follow those who make the "guidelines" and would be lost if they had to draw own conclusions, find what really matters for them, which disappointed me a little bit...

But since I am writing this now, there must be a part who still finds it necessary and worth to network. I am grateful for many things I have learned here, I don't know any other place with so many people who can actually think for themselves. Though, there is this deep fear in me always when thinking about interacting here... that I would loose my own way, the ability to find what truly inspires me, merely living other people's lives and ideas, my individuality perished within a collective group...

[anart]

I stopped participating due to the the thought that it would keep me away from being me. I'm torn between those things. I have a strong program which says only information and knowledge I gather for my own is worth to follow and if others tell me what I should read it narrows my range of knowledge and makes me dependent, since if I read what others suggest I loose my own path. Though, I am not even sure it is a program because more and more I can't see why I shouldn't follow this strong, inner feeling what to read, it makes every information valuable while being said what to read and thus living the live of other people wipes out this feeling of having the exact right information at the right time. It is a completely different experience if I read sth. I chose for myself and really desire to read. If it is the other way I often don't remember the information well. There is not just plain information, for every book is a right or wrong time and much can be lost if one looses the feeling for what information is necessary in every given moment. It's like a flow if I chose it for myself but if am not free in this it comes to an halt and I don't learn anymore, not being myself anymore.

Also, during the last months, I hesitated to write because I can't open myself up. So often I was one click away from publishing what I had written about me, my situation but always the thought comes up, that it can be used against me and will make me vulnerable, dependent, if I take that step. I am so young and who knows what I will think in a few years. You people may have years of research behind you and can validate a lot more, for me there is so much new I am not sure if my conclusions will always correlate with the forum. More so, I have the fear that it will stop me from finding my own way if I am influenced by you and not being able to research independently. I am overwhelmed by the amount of books and information discussed here and can't keep up. It feels like falling behind and I don't want to feel like that, since learning is an highly individual matter which can't be "too slow", but for me it comes completely to an halt if I feel like learning is a way which has to be followed after a guideline. For me it is like my real self is abused when doing the latter. Also reading English is still so difficult that it hinders my progression and makes the reading experience dissatisfying. I have the impression some people here only mechanically follow those who make the "guidelines" and would be lost if they had to draw own conclusions, find what really matters for them, which disappointed me a little bit...

But since I am writing this now, there must be a part who still finds it necessary and worth to network. I am grateful for many things I have learned here, I don't know any other place with so many people who can actually think for themselves. Though, there is this deep fear in me always when thinking about interacting here... that I would loose my own way, the ability to find what truly inspires me, merely living other people's lives and ideas, my individuality perished within a collective group...

Sounds like you're trapped inside yourself and, being used to that, you're building your walls more strongly.  That is a limiting place to be.  Regarding the feeling of 'falling behind' - perhaps this post can give you another way to look at it?

[psychic_spy]

Based on what I've read so far, here's what I think is going on with you to some extent. It seems to me that your physical health is not optimal and that your body is suffering. Also, sleeping at 3 AM is a great disservice to yourself and your body, it is very unhealthy.  If your psyche and mind is not optimal as a result of a bad diet and unhealthy lifestyle, then you won't feel and do optimal either. You seem to be unhappy and you seem to seek happiness from fantasies (or imagining); by fantasizing of being a good student or a great Work-teacher. Yet they are what they are, simply fantasies that keep you in the state you are. How can you change your reality if you keep escaping it?
Did you know that one of the narcissistic characteristics is:

"Fantasies of unlimited succes, fame, power, beauty, and perfect love (uncritical adoration)" ?

Thank you for your reply, Ohajil. I know that my sleeping patterns are disturbed but i'm not tired in the evening usually because i don't do daily a lot of physical effort ( tired when it comes to night sleep, during the day i have many moments when i feel tired or apathetic).Sometimes i do but i still don't feel sleepy by bed time.

 Moreover,  since i was little i used to sleep after mid-night and during high-school when i came home after classes and had  lunch i used to take a nap before doing my homework and i wasn't very sleepy by bedtime. I'll try something to sleep earlier but as diet..things are a bit more complicated. These days i ate mostly boiled chicken and vegetables, fruits. Should i consider 3-4 pices of chocolate or a pizza from time to time an unhealthy diet? I can't renounce to sugar and meat because my hands start shaking and i feel weak but i can tell my mum to cook them properly or cook them myself.
 You have to know all the same that i do feel optimal when i do something important and creative and have a sense of freedom and self-mastery. I used to be like that in my earlier years. I was curious, imaginative and ingenious at school at those subject matters that interested me but i got bored to what was presented in school and i started to eascape and to disperse myself. it's hard putting myself together to pursue the things  to their end and make the best of them. I'm no longer a teen or a child and i have each day many more tasks, responsabilities , engagements then i used to and with them i feel that i lose something very precious to me, that i knew when i was little- a sense of magicalness, of wonder. it's hard to put that into words.

When I knew about this, I decided to stop fantasizing. Each time I started to fantasize, I reminded myself of the harmful effect it has on me and told myself to stop and think of something else, like my homework for example or I decided to meditate on my programs instead. And I kept repeating this until my tendency to want to fantasize diminished more and more.

I don't want my fantasy to diminish but to get structured in the direction i want  it to be structured. In high school i took private lessons with my Literature teacher and she told me:''You do wonderfull essays but you don't keep reins on your horses and your horses get wild'' ''I'll teach you to keep them tight when you write'' ( i worked out for those exams but now it seems they multiplied again)

 The cold reality is, is that we, as children from narcissistic families, aren't loved unconditionally, we aren't really loved as we are, they tend to want us to be a certain way - "perfect" in their eyes (just as their parents did the same to them). And the unfortunate thing is that we are never perfect in their eyes, whatever we do it's never enough, which makes us feel sad and worthless. But when we are perfect in our fantasies, we feel loved and accepted and it becomes our goal to be that way. The problem is, is that it is highly unrealistic and it makes you feel worthless In Real Life every time you realize that your fantasies do not represent the reality, it's a vicious cycle.

As a single child i felt myself quite loved and supported. It's true , not very much understood. My father was the one who wanted ''the perfected part'' but as time went by i got myself over it. It's just that  i'm seen as spoiled and unpractical because i don't have a job yet. I guess it's true and as narcissistic as my parents were, knowingly or unknowingly they don't work against my ideals but if my ideals lead nowhere, they fear i won't be able to support myself when they will be no longer here. 

  And diet-wise... it takes discipline to increase your knowledge of your body chemistry, to figure out which foods suit you best, and then making the necessary changes for yourself. And if you show great discipline in one area in your life, you will better be able to practice the same discipline in other areas of your life. Plus, the diet will help you with more clear thinking and so much more.  I also think it will help you with keeping your sexual desire (or how you want to put it) under control. Doing EE regularly is also a form of discipline which will help you too.

I did EE last winter for a week or so but doing it before sleep enhaced my sense of alertness. The first time i did it i had a very weird lucid dream. I also read a few books on psychology, the ones that are posted online or the ones that i can download from the internet. Some of them are interesting and this site is also but i don't want to make a habit on asking advice or networking, as long as i don't truly understand the practices and the theories that are stated here. For example the part about psychopats is very informative but increases my anguish if i start to over think about ''the predator mind '' and ''food for the predator'' and so on and so forth.

Mod edit: fixed quotes

[Biomiast]

I stopped participating due to the the thought that it would keep me away from being me. I'm torn between those things. I have a strong program which says only information and knowledge I gather for my own is worth to follow and if others tell me what I should read it narrows my range of knowledge and makes me dependent, since if I read what others suggest I loose my own path.

Hi Stranger,

Anart has given you excellent advise, I have a few things to add for what its worth.

I can see that because of the vast majority of topics investigated here, it is very hard to read all the books. I had similar thoughts as you did on the acquiring knowledge by myself, otherwise it is not my own path.

What I have discovered so far is: One must have an attitude as anart describes. No matter how much time you have, give what you can to learning. If your effort is sincere, Universe is there to help you and guide you.

Other than that, one must realize that learning everything, researching from the scratch by yourself is nearly impossible considering the different backgrounds of different people on the forum. I personally do not know anything on astronomy, and I enjoy reading the experts on the forum for boiling it down for me to something I can understand.

I think there are elementary books we all need to read like Fourth Way material, Big 5 etc., then get to know ourselves. These books are essential for understanding our reality. Rest of the books are also important for understanding the world we live in, but these are the priorities.

And about losing your path, I have been away from this group for a while, and I can't express the importance of a group to point out errors in your thinking. Imagine you are reading the "right" books with your preconceptions, how can you move beyond them and understand the information? Only a network can provide you that.

It is my personal experience that acquiring knowledge from other sources, be it books, people or movies is not detrimental to one's quest, what is detrimental is stucking in hero-worship, assimilating and repeating the same words without thinking or feeling about it, using them because somebody you know said so. I have done this mistake in the past, repeating every word on this forum without understanding any of it, but as I moved past from that program, I can clearly see that the fault wasn't with the attitude of network, it was my attitude that is problematic. Unless you are in that situation, I believe there is nothing wrong with following the suggestion of the experts in the field on certain books that are necessary to understand our reality.   

[Buddy]

I stopped participating due to the the thought that it would keep me away from being me. I'm torn between those things. I have a strong program which says only information and knowledge I gather for my own is worth to follow and if others tell me what I should read it narrows my range of knowledge and makes me dependent, since if I read what others suggest I loose my own path.

Hi Stranger. Do you have an overall aim? Is there something you want to accomplish in life?

You people may have years of research behind you and can validate a lot more, for me there is so much new I am not sure if my conclusions will always correlate with the forum.

I think that would be ok. It'd give us something interesting to talk about. 

[mabar]

Mabar, your words have made it more clear to me why I need to be on this forum.  I have reread the post on external consideration and it is something I need to understand and practice to a greater degree.  In my post I had not considered enough of what it is you may be going through as someone who is coping with and trying to understand how they have been injured by the narcissists in their own lives.  I know that I too can become very uncomfortable when someone who I've only talked to briefly starts to become too overly familiar.  I feel I may have done you an injustice based on all the euphoric social feelings EE brings up for me.  Notice I said the feelings EE brings up for me.  I didn't say you, or anyone else, so that could mean there is a program running in me which makes a huge assumption that because I'm experiencing something others must be too and thus we are speaking the same emotional language.  I see now, through this lesson, that my words very easily could have caused this communication to go in a completely different direction and that I could have also alienated you and made you feel uncomfortable in your forum home.  I deeply apologize and would be grateful if anyone else could weigh in on how my words were perceived.  Thank you for your kind words and I'm glad that you are feeling more energetic and encouraged.   

No  need to apologize, is the way you express yourself. I did read your feeling were coming from EE.  I had not been able to give me enough time to answer back.  Opportunities had been disregarded because I found myself running programs from programs  or I do not have enough time.  Expressing myself is sometimes difficult and to that, it has to be in English!! …


Click!

What I have discovered so far is: One must have an attitude as anart describes. No matter how much time you have, give what you can to learning. If your effort is sincere, Universe is there to help you and guide you.

Other than that, one must realize that learning everything, researching from the scratch by yourself is nearly impossible considering the different backgrounds of different people on the forum. I personally do not know anything on astronomy, and I enjoy reading the experts on the forum for boiling it down for me to something I can understand.

I think there are elementary books we all need to read like Fourth Way material, Big 5 etc., then get to know ourselves. These books are essential for understanding our reality. Rest of the books are also important for understanding the world we live in, but these are the priorities.

True, I do get overwhelm too with the lots and lots of information here, and SOTT.  I do “talk with myself” that everyone has it's own rhythm.  While reading The Wave, I stop for a little while to read some books on biology and chemistry.  As it has been with other sciences as well between articles or threads, at least to trying to understand what the author is saying.

Right now, I found myself reading some science books that in the past I would not even consider to buy!!!!!, because since I have the use of reason, I was not good at those assignments and I thought that I was really stupid, that those things did not enter in my head.  I am beyond surprised of myself, I am willingly to buy a book of calculus or Baldor’s Algebra!?!  Having read some of the 5 five, I supposed I am trying to reconcile that learning is fun. And so, to reconcile my wounded child to the inner self.
Changing prospectives does help.

[Oxajil]

Thank you for your reply, Ohajil. I know that my sleeping patterns are disturbed but i'm not tired in the evening usually because i don't do daily a lot of physical effort ( tired when it comes to night sleep, during the day i have many moments when i feel tired or apathetic).Sometimes i do but i still don't feel sleepy by bed time.

Not getting the needed hours of sleep during the time which is most natural (which is when it is dark (starting from ~10/11 PM)) could be the reason of you being tired or apathetic during the day, your body simply didn't get the time to recharge. Right now you're making assumptions, thinking that you're not tired in the evening because you don't exercise much, it's difficult to know what's going on when you don't have the necessary knowledge on how the body works naturally.

I'll try something to sleep earlier but as diet..things are a bit more complicated. These days i ate mostly boiled chicken and vegetables, fruits. Should i consider 3-4 pices of chocolate or a pizza from time to time an unhealthy diet? I can't renounce to sugar and meat because my hands start shaking and i feel weak but i can tell my mum to cook them properly or cook them myself.

Yes that is unhealthy. But it is best, before you make any changes, to know why you are making any changes. Don't take my word for it. Remember that knowledge protects, thus I recommend reading "Primal Body Primal Mind" and "Lights Out: Sleep, Sugar, and Survival".

You have to know all the same that i do feel optimal when i do something important and creative and have a sense of freedom and self-mastery. I used to be like that in my earlier years. I was curious, imaginative and ingenious at school at those subject matters that interested me but i got bored to what was presented in school and i started to eascape and to disperse myself. it's hard putting myself together to pursue the things  to their end and make the best of them. I'm no longer a teen or a child and i have each day many more tasks, responsabilities , engagements then i used to and with them i feel that i lose something very precious to me, that i knew when i was little- a sense of magicalness, of wonder. it's hard to put that into words.

I think it's a good thing that you remember these things and have observed these. I think that eventually reading the recommended books on Psychology would be very helpful for you with understanding why you are the way you are.

As a single child i felt myself quite loved and supported. It's true , not very much understood. My father was the one who wanted ''the perfected part'' but as time went by i got myself over it. It's just that  i'm seen as spoiled and unpractical because i don't have a job yet. I guess it's true and as narcissistic as my parents were, knowingly or unknowingly they don't work against my ideals but if my ideals lead nowhere, they fear i won't be able to support myself when they will be no longer here. 

You'll be surprised to learn how much of your upbringing (among other things) affects your behavior, mostly in unconcious ways. But, again, knowledge and observation is needed in this regard. Just observing, without understanding the dynamics of the different narcissistic families (covert and overt) and how they affect people in different ways and more, is often fruitless. It's normal for people having been grown up in families in which they're not really beaten up or sexually abused, to think they've had a good childhood and that they're not really affected by it negatively. I thought the same thing. But once I read the books, I discovered how much I lacked from my parents and how little they really cared (but again, not really their fault since it happens mostly mechanically and they were treated the same way). And how much this lack of affection and understanding (and more) shaped the way I became to a certain extent. But you'll see when you'll read!

I did EE last winter for a week or so but doing it before sleep enhaced my sense of alertness. The first time i did it i had a very weird lucid dream. I also read a few books on psychology, the ones that are posted online or the ones that i can download from the internet. Some of them are interesting and this site is also but i don't want to make a habit on asking advice or networking, as long as i don't truly understand the practices and the theories that are stated here. For example the part about psychopats is very informative but increases my anguish if i start to over think about ''the predator mind '' and ''food for the predator'' and so on and so forth.

Regarding EE, you could do it during the day, or just the 3-stage-breathing and meditation before sleep.

Perhaps it's better to focus on yourself first, before you concentrate on psychopathy or "predator"-material. These are the 5 most important Psychology books:

Myth of Sanity - Martha Stout
The Narcissistic Family - Stephanie Donaldson-Pressman and Robert M. Pressman
Trapped in the Mirror - Elan Golomb
Unholy Hungers - Barbara E. Hort
In Sheep's Clothing - George K. Simon

And like I said before, networking and asking for advice on yourself and your life can be helpful, but it is always helpful if you have done some work yourself (like reading for example) before you do (like you said yourself above).

Hope this helps!

[psychic_spy]

Not getting the needed hours of sleep during the time which is most natural (which is when it is dark (starting from ~10/11 PM)) could be the reason of you being tired or apathetic during the day, your body simply didn't get the time to recharge. Right now you're making assumptions, thinking that you're not tired in the evening because you don't exercise much, it's difficult to know what's going on when you don't have the necessary knowledge on how the body works naturally.

 THAT's exactly what i want to find myself. At this moment i simply assume that maybe having a job or an active ( more active then going to University) will put an end to my upside down circadian rhythm. But since i was a litle kid i was agitated at night, that was sometimes because my parents used to argue in the living room after they put me to bed.

I think it's a good thing that you remember these things and have observed these. I think that eventually reading the recommended books on Psychology would be very helpful for you with understanding why you are the way you are.

Untill this moment i read , but not entirely The mask of Sanity by H Clecley, Snakes in Suits, The Sociopath Next Door and Uspenski's , Gurdjieff's books (i read them quite slowly , taking time to digest the information) . I downloaded them from a torrent site   or bought the ones that are translated already.

But the rest is quite hard to acquire. I don't live in The United States to be able to order them directly from Amazon or whatever. I have to find a site that acquires them, make an order, and then contact the Post Office ( it's a cash on delivery system in my country). Sometimes i find them on Google books and am able to read a few samples. Is there a more accessibble method to acquire them? ( Now i ordered 10 books on Gurdjieff since i intend to write about him but i have to wait a few weeks untill they scan the books and deliver the DVD)


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