I imagine myself being praised and honoured by my professors and other students thanks to my efforts and intelligence
I imagine myself that doing the Work will inhace my self-awarness, improve my knowledge and skills so that i can become a teacher of esoterism , a healer, a sage.
Here comes the other programme naming Fear, Anguish and Self-pity when i have to conform with the reality of the moment ( usually when i have to show my skill) and am unsure of myself. I tremble and fret untill i have somach aches ( i have irritable bowel syndrome) , head aches and other minor neurovegetative states that make me think i'm seriously ill.
Based on what I've read so far, here's what I think is going on with you to some extent. It seems to me that your physical health is not optimal and that your body is suffering. Also, sleeping at 3 AM is a great disservice to yourself and your body, it is very unhealthy. If your psyche and mind is not optimal as a result of a bad diet and unhealthy lifestyle, then you won't feel and do optimal either. You seem to be unhappy and you seem to seek happiness from fantasies (or imagining); by fantasizing of being a good student or a great Work-teacher. Yet they are what they are, simply fantasies that keep you in the state you are. How can you change your reality if you keep escaping it?
Did you know that one of the narcissistic characteristics is:
"Fantasies of unlimited succes, fame, power, beauty, and perfect love (uncritical adoration)" ?
When I knew about this, I decided to stop fantasizing. Each time I started to fantasize, I reminded myself of the harmful effect it has on me and told myself to stop and think of something else, like my homework for example or I decided to meditate on my programs instead. And I kept repeating this until my tendency to want to fantasize diminished more and more.
The reason why fantasizing (in this context) is bad, is because it will make it harder for you to appreciate yourself as you are and it will make it harder for you to stick to reality. The cold reality is, is that we, as children from narcissistic families, aren't loved unconditionally, we aren't really loved as we are, they tend to want us to be a certain way - "perfect" in their eyes (just as their parents did the same to them). And the unfortunate thing is that we are never perfect in their eyes, whatever we do it's never enough, which makes us feel sad and worthless. But when we are perfect in our fantasies, we feel loved and accepted and it becomes our goal to be that way. The problem is, is that it is highly unrealistic and it makes you feel worthless In Real Life every time you realize that your fantasies do not represent the reality, it's a vicious cycle.
I guess the point I'm trying to make is that you don't have to be an A-student or the perfect highly praised teacher to feel important or to feel loved. I think that eliminating these fantasies and trying to seek why you feel dissatisfied with yourself or your life would help you much more.
And diet-wise... it takes discipline to increase your knowledge of your body chemistry, to figure out which foods suit you best, and then making the necessary changes for yourself. And if you show great discipline in one area in your life, you will better be able to practice the same discipline in other areas of your life. Plus, the diet will help you with more clear thinking and so much more. I also think it will help you with keeping your sexual desire (or how you want to put it) under control. Doing EE regularly is also a form of discipline which will help you too.
So if you wanna change you have to make some super efforts. Recognizing the roots of your problems by reading the recommended psychology books and then really meditate about what you want in your life and take the necessary steps - and to always network of course. I think you've done a great job by observing yourself, but you have to ask, what now? What am I going to do about this? What's my plan?
If you choose to, personally, as a starter, I would think it's best for you to read "Primal Body Primal Mind" by Gedgaudas, because I think that you can better focus on the Work (psychology-wise) once your mind and body are more healthy. What do you/others think?
As always, fwiw.