I have not read through more than a few posts at the beginning of this thread. I thought that if I didn't, what others say would not influence my thinking, and I wanted to open up to the group from what I have internalized and recognized so far.
This list is by no means exhaustive, but are only the programs which are obviously apparent.
-Ignorance; this one reasserts itself as I look and realize how much time wasted believing and accepting the untrue, although the more I try to discern, the less I trust myself and my limited understanding.
-Feelings of self-worth, closely connected to Feelings of worthlessness; this is a strong one which is emerging where I feel or want my opinions heard, that perhaps I would like to share what I have learned here on this forum but also realizing that without a complete understanding I trample on dangerous ground, similar to the warning from Jesus 'woe to him through which deceits come' (paraphrasing here)
-loneliness, this one is old and deep. It's connected to a conviction that I am unworthy of love, that I do not know what love is or how to express it, that I have never known it.
- Self-pity - Wow, this one connects all of the above (and all of the below, thinking more about it). Tells me if only this or this were different, then it would all be better
- Guilt associated strongly with my relationship with my parents. Being an only (lonely?) child, the blame for my feelings of isolation was placed squarely on them as the cause of my misery. As I grew up, I wanted nothing other than to escape their control and their 'old world' ideas. (in brief, my parents were immigrants from Italy who grew up during the depression. Although I was born here, we only spoke Italian at home, and I knew absolutely no English going to school. More reinforcement of the isolation program, which I railed against, again blaming them. Furthermore, my lack of compassion for them as my mother was disabled [having lost her left arm below the elbow and the use of her left eye during the bombing of WW2]; my father having been a factory worker with a very limited understanding of English, and (in my perception) a stubborn attitude in adapting to living in the US. All my misery I laid upon them, when in truth, once I was able to escape by getting married, it turned into an out of the frying pan and into the fire sort of thing. Again reinforcing all of the above.
- Shyness and sheepishness- a consequence of my ego, which I work to protect since a very young age. Fear of misunderstanding my intention, fear of loathing of my thinking, fear of not understanding everyday life -putting my foot in my mouth and not empathizing with others, fear of being misunderstood. Fear of a lack of importance of my opinions. As a bullied child, the wall built around my emotions to protect them (don't let them see you cry). Shyness is also connected to the ignorance program as it is better to keep your mouth shut than to prove how stupid you really are.
-Lack of Discernment connected to my be nice program, in which I need to learn that a snake is a snake and a scorpion is a scorpion; on the other hand, a dove is a dove. Not being able to tell the difference in my life. Easily fooled and follow the piper has been my mode of operation for a very long time. The be nice program is also connected with the desire to be accepted, in which I become who I want others to perceive in me.
- The morality program which only operates as a consequence of what I believe to be right, not realizing that what may be right in my eyes would not be right in another's. This one is connected to thinking that I am a good person, especially when I see what happens not only in the world but also in being judgmental in what I perceive to be right or wrong as I watch others as they interact with each other. Oh, how I love to tell myself I could never be like that!
A big shock for me was the realization that religion as promoted is just another means of control where I thought it actually was a means of obtaining freedom, love and understanding. This fragmented all I ever thought I knew about having a purpose in this world and the true aim of life, knocking me off the course I was on, thinking all the time it was the straight and narrow. I should have known it wouldn't be so easy. This also conditioned me in the laziness program; 'what a relief! the work was already done for me!!! ', preventing me from taking responsibility of my own life and my own situations. I am now viewing my life as a feeding frenzy of blame and of a consequence of 'accidents' over which I believed I had no control; again the laziness takes hold.
Any of these or derivatives thereof are constantly running in me and I believe I am beginning to see them and recognize them. By writing this here, I hope I can begin to look at myself more closely and perhaps stem the reactions, better control the emotions to try to channel into something positive and worthwhile. It would also seem that each of these feed from another source, a center from which I operate in my everyday life. This is something that is bigger than all of them, and controls them all and directs which aspect becomes manifest. As of right now, it has no name or identity of its own but somehow I sense it's presence. I fool myself into thinking this is my core, who I am, but it cannot be because I really do not know who I am or how I fit into this journey we all take together.
This is beginning to seem more like a confession than a recognition of programs as understood by the group here. But it is what I have identified and been able to covey.
I'll go back and read this thread now in its entirety as experiences of others will help uncover more and more as I search for a real person underneath the layers of lies and illusions which has become the person I now identify with. Thanks for the chance to crack the shell I surround myself with!