The Games Narcissist Play

[iloveyellow]

Hi samy, yes that is correct, I was being playful.

I cannot go by what I may expect as a reaction, I was certainly surprised that out of the range of reactions he could've chosen, it was a muted anger, (or not so muted).  Especially when one may consider that we were setting the ground for a new relationship.

"But obviously you were only an 'official' partner for him; just someone to be with or use."

Wow, I don't think I have thought about that much, now that you mention it though, it, or something like has kind of seeped into the back of my mind recently, that I shelved. (I think there may be a lot of processing for me to do yet, once our immediate concerns are soon dealt with).

"And I bet only he was allowed to do 'playful jest' on his terms not yours right?"

.
Not entirely correct - hmmm, I don't think?  (Will consider more...).  We had/have what included a good and solid friendship - in the good times - in which playful jostling was a part, here and there.  Especially over a game of tennis and other activities.  There are I think, varying types of jostling, and I think one must be alert to the boundaries of respect, and sensitivities of the other if you want to play nice.  I acknowledge that, for me, too much jostling can get to me after a while, and I begin to feel kind of "on guard", and opposed, rather than uniting and supporting; I want to be able to let my guard down in my home.  I felt comfortable explaining this to him, and at one stage did just that, he quite understood what I was saying, and was in agreement with me.  Actually, looking back, I think he was relieved to hear it.  I also let him know when it was too much, usually by (again playfully) moaning, and overacting as wounded, or simply saying "ok, ok, I've had enough".

He was though I think much better equipped at this "jostling" than I was, he didn't tire of it as I did, and it could become for me a bit beyond the point, and into dangerous territory.  I have thought about this a little, and I've put it down to him growing up within a family unit that interacted as such, whereas I was an only child, and didn't live with that type of rapport in the same way - I tended to recluse when that sort of thing got too much for me around the dinner table between my mother and stepfather (especially when the roast chicken would end up smashed and mashed on the wall ).  Anyhow, I understood this about him, and when the momentum built to a certain point, I would gently steer the interaction into "let's relax and feel safe" mode.



The more I think about it, the more of a rabbit hole this could be, ie, raking over the ground.  It brings up a lot of sadness for me too, as well as remembering the confusion I experienced along the way.  I'll be taking it slowly...

[shellycheval]

I am so sorry to hear of your situation Iloveyoghurt.

yes, I have thought that it was something that may have been insensitive, and clarified this to him afterward.

Don’t believe it was about anything you said—here is why:

I was a victim of a mentally, emotionally, and physically abusive relationship for over 10 years.  Although it has been four and a half years since he left my house at my insistence, I have lately realized that I am still recovering in some areas.  Before I was able to end my relationship, I did a lot of research, reading, therapy, emotion work, and drew on my experience with 2 previous abusive husbands and a narcissistic, abusive father to find the will and strength to overcome my fears and end it.  I see and hear many parallels in your situation with my own and several other women I have known.  This is what I know:

•   Although we are often told that every relationship is unique and that both parties play a part in the success or failure of the relationship, the reality is that this is true only if both people are “normal” and fairly functional.  If you are in a relationship with any personality disordered person/narcissist/Borderline Personality Disorder/psychopath/or near-psychopath type person, NOTHING YOU DO WILL MAKE A DIFFERENCE.  The way they behave in relationships is nearly identical—thousands of stories have been recorded about victim women with abusive men and the similarities are shocking.  They behave like machines made from the same assembly line.

•   You were chosen by this person because they saw in you certain (usually good/nice) personality traits that make you easily manipulated and victimized.

•   The confusion you feel about why a blowup happened is deliberate, as is getting you to doubt yourself—they do not need a reason, logical or not, to get angry and abusive with you.  It is like an itch that builds up that they need to scratch—when it is time—nothing you do or don’t do can stop it.  The only thing that can slow the abuse down or sometimes shorten the duration/intensity of it is to SHOW NO EMOTIONAL REACTION—THEY FEED ON IT.

•   The violence will escalate as you move toward the breakup.  The period when you actually leave, and shortly (weeks/months) thereafter is the most dangerous.  Before the actual breakup (as soon as possible from the sound of it), and while he is out of the house, remove the things you value the most, photos, jewelry, important papers, etc. and leave them with trusted friends, bank vault  .  .  .  .  Find a safe place, (closed room at a friend’s house, boarding facility, vets) to put your cat for a couple weeks during the move out period regardless of who leaves or stays—nothing is off limits and he will use anything to manipulate you and maintain control over you.

•   It is not about love or anything like it no matter how it looked or felt to you; relationships with abusers are all about power over the other person.

The book you read sounds like Why Does He Do That? By Lundy Bancroft—I recommend you reread it along with Patricia Evans The Verbally Abusive Relationship, and Stop Walking on Eggshells.  Don't leave them where he can see them--they often anger the perpetrators and give them strategies to use against you.  All these books will help you clarify your mind, which most certainly has been clouded from living with abuse, and will give you practical advice in understanding how you got into this situation, how you can safely get out, and how to rebuild your life in a way that will help keep you from being deceived by wolves in sheep’s clothing and other predators again.

Sorry to sound so blunt but when you have lived a situation more than once, studied it and others like it, and then have some recovery and distance from it, then it becomes easier to assess what is likely happening in an abusive relationship.  No one wants to believe it may be happening to them.  It is nearly impossible at first to see it coming during the courting period--it is only later when you are committed that they begin to change--often so subtly and slowly that denial and doubt of your perceptions seem the only rational reactions.  We, men and women, are conditioned to give others the benefit of the doubt, second chances, and assume everyone has the same good and evil behaviors inside, but we know from studying psychopaths this is not true.  It matters little if your partner is a diagnosed psychopath; if he or she is behaving like one then the problem with the relationship is not about you--get out fast and safe.

May the Cosmic Mind protect you—good luck.
shellycheval

[Gertrudes]

Hi Iloveyoughurt,

You have quite a bit on your plate right now, and it is only sensible that you gather your energy towards improving your physical and mental health enough to get you strong and on your feet to find shelter, and an independent life of your own.
These are issues that seem to need your immediate attention.

I want to mention something though, directly related to all of this, that you might wish to look into if and when you feel ready, either now or once you're standing on more solid feet. You've mentioned a very abusive past and it is only natural that this abuse has left you scars that in trying to heal themselves will tend to replicate similar situations in your life. In other words, unresolved trauma will bring about future situations of the same nature, until we learn to see them for what they are. Obyvatel has made a possible connection between your health issues and you experience with abusive relationships, and I would also add that finding yourself in a present dysfunctional relationship might have a similar root: the dysfunctional relationships that you have experienced and witnessed in your parents and are yet to be resolved within you.
Digging into this is by no means a simple quest. The recommended reading that the others have mentioned is an excellent start though. In my view, it is fundamental reading.

Wishing you the best

[iloveyellow]

Hi shellycheval, hi Gertrudes,

Well, it's been very full-on around here but it's coming to a close rapidly, of which I give great thanks to.  I am at the stage that I'm "dealing" with memories surfacing of various intuitions i had, things that were said (by him), and a sort of sensation, or feeling within my body.  Kind of life a psychic slime over me, residue of a sensation I experienced.  He has gone though, and the police have put a restraining order on him, after a court session on Monday.  I'm sorry to say but, all a bit feral really.

Shellycheval, thanks for your comments, I recognised them immediately as intending to be supportive and kind.  Thank you.  It's nice to feel that intent, it's like a landing pad where to rest for a while.  That might sound strange but, hopefully it can be understood.  You are correct when you say it is about power, and that was something I recognised early in the piece, and called it as such.  I am still exacerbated by things that were said, and more to the point, the intention behind the actions and words, hard to describe here but, I'm talking about a type of energy, and I think relates back to the psychic slime..  I am nearly finished Wolves In Sheep's Clothing and it is spot-on and positively accurate to my circumstance, it's uncanny, and I have to rest the book down often to catch my breath.  I had taken notes along the way in our relationship, and the things that I wrote, matched sometimes completely accurately to what this book is saying.  It's a relief to know my instincts are serving to protect me (no one else is it seems!!)

When I share snippets with some folks (why do we do this I wonder?  The need to share?), and I try to come to terms with his cruelty and things that were  said, I see these folks immediately trying to assess what I might have done in order for him to say the things he said.  Who says: "When I get to the top I'm going to spit on you in the gutter"?  A megalomaniac psycho who is interested only in power.  To put it simply.

Gertrudes, thank you for your feedback and to answer you yes, I have thought much about your suggestions.  It is my practice to self-monitor and assess myself in all that I do (as much as one can of course), and I have experienced this, what you speak of.  I saw early in life the malfunctions of my past, and through ongoing meditation and reflection (not to mention responsibility!) I discovered that yes, many times in a relationship we are seeking to play out the past in order to create an opportunity to relive and "resolve" something.  This relationship however was just different, somehow.  It was like he chose me for my vulnerability, and I have never encountered such sadistic cruelty.  I have experienced an attitude before - some folks view people with illness as genetically inferior, and serving to affirming of their own superiority, I believe that this is part of what was occurring in this situation.  Re my cancer, it is my belief that my cancer has developed due to stress.  Stress from a home that was terrifying, stress from homelessness, stress from overworking, stress from being used and abused in work situations.. I haven't actually experienced abuse in a relationship before (my last partner was a strange situation, though not abusive).  I have normally found companionship with people that have had troubled backgrounds themselves, whereby the relationship is much based in empathy and support.

What I have noticed is that, the more stressed I am, the more ill I am (physically weak or exhausted), the more I am "open", and the more I seem to attract predators, and abuse.  Some circumstances I have had have been quite uncanny.  I am not delusional, but in some instances I have noted that, it has been like a force that has conspired things to happen.  I would also like to share that, in this relationship, right from the start, I had body issues (more): I fell off my bike twice, something I haven't done for 30 years, I fell over a few times just walking, I had ongoing neck, hip, and back problems.  I was always exhausted and afraid, so I guess it was showing in my body.  All a bit sad really.

Anyhow, thought I'd share, I hope this assists someone out there..  I have a life to continue with, and more importantly, a heart and mind that feels raw and somewhat shattered, that I need to attend to.  And this includes meditating and reflecting on what I did to attract this situation.

Thanks for all your interest in this topic.



 

[Gertrudes]

Well, it's been very full-on around here but it's coming to a close rapidly, of which I give great thanks to.  I am at the stage that I'm "dealing" with memories surfacing of various intuitions i had, things that were said (by him), and a sort of sensation, or feeling within my body.  Kind of life a psychic slime over me, residue of a sensation I experienced.  He has gone though, and the police have put a restraining order on him, after a court session on Monday.  I'm sorry to say but, all a bit feral really.

Iloveyoughurt, just wanted to say that it's a relieve to know that he's gone. His absence will at least give you some much needed self time to start cleaning the  "slime" that you feel has been surrounding you.

What I have noticed is that, the more stressed I am, the more ill I am (physically weak or exhausted), the more I am "open", and the more I seem to attract predators, and abuse.

Unfortunately, it does seem that when one is either physically, mentally or emotionally weak, a door is opened for attack. So you were a perfect target, or so it seems.

Take care of yourself iloveyoughurt. I wish you full recovery from this difficult situation, and that you may learn whatever it was in it for you to learn.

[iloveyellow]

Hi Gurtrudes,

thanks for taking the time to respond.  Yes, I have a lot of work to do, piecing myself back together being one of them, I am seeking counseling for objectivity and emotional sorting, and reading.. always the reading.

I don't have children, my thoughts go to those that do, and/or are in one way or another, dependent on their relationship.  As well as perhaps further down the hole than I slipped, and losing themselves further.  I wonder if there is a blog somewhere for this sort of thing specifically..

Life goes on, I am repairing.  Still a little stunned, sad, and finding it hard to care about myself enough to take the responsibility at the mo (diet, exercise, EE, etc).

Having said that, I am okay, and will get back on track. 

[Josh]

After reading the certain things Narcissists do, I now realized that in my last relationship, I think she was a Narcissist and maybe even on par with a psychopath. She would do many of the things stated such as accusing( she wouldn't let me go out with friends if there was a girl around as she thought I would cheat, even though she had cheated on two of her past boyfriends), lying, saying sorry( she even once told my mum she was 'messing' with my head), creating camps and invoking fear among other things. She would also have wild mood changes and is extremely controlling.

Thank you for this thread, but I do however have worries. I am in a relationship now with a different girl, but I feel I have some of these traits, sometimes I would say, You don't love me as much as you used to or why don't you ever.... and so on. It feels like if im not in a relationship with a Narcissist, I become one myself. Am I thinking about this too much? Will EE be helpful for me in this situation?

 

[Thad.s]

More:

Projecting

Closely linked to hurling accusations is the fine art of projecting. This is both an awful thing to live with and a useful tool for you. I don't mean that you should start projecting. I mean that their projecting can be used to your advantage.

Lying
Narcissists are the most horrific liars and they are outstanding at it. They can come up with the most elaborate stories at the drop of a hat and they are extremely convincing. They can also take the smallest scrap of information or the most insignificant incident and masterfully weave it into a major event.

Thank you for laying this out so plainly.

My only concern is that as a male having escaped a violent and emotionally abusive relationship, this entire thread seems to be leaning towards one gender.

As we all know...domestic violence has no boundaries.  Homosexual relationships, heterosexual relationships etc.  We also know abuse is not only physical but mental and emotional as well.

Someone, like myself who is nearly homeless, destitute and emotionally destroyed, that might come here researching what he or she may have gone through would be turned off.

Whether one chooses to believe it or not, a case can be made that the probate courts of the US are extremely biased towards one gender.  It's a painful, financially devastating and life-changing event one must be put through due to the actions of the narcissist, borderline partner that has thrown us to the gutter.

I just want people to be aware that there people of all gender makeups (male, female, transgender whathaveyou) are going through this terrible experience...and that abuse may be continuing for some.

My hope that the language, form and style used here are not closed and gender-specific to one specific group of people.

40% of all domestic violence victims are male.  Most of these men are afraid to report it for obvious reasons.

I would pray that some loving father out there, desperately seeking that he isn't alone would be able to come to a wonderful fountain of information such as this and not feel shunned.

Mod's note: Edited to fix the quotation boxes

[Gandalf]

Hi Thad.s,

Welcome to our forum. 

We recommend all new members to post an introduction in the Newbies section telling us a bit about themselves, how they found the cass material, and how much of the work here they have read. 

You can have a look through that board to see how others have done it.

Thank you for laying this out so plainly.

My only concern is that as a male having escaped a violent and emotionally abusive relationship, this entire thread seems to be leaning towards one gender.

Although the thread may seem to lean towards one gender, we know that it applies to both genders.

As we all know...domestic violence has no boundaries.  Homosexual relationships, heterosexual relationships etc.  We also know abuse is not only physical but mental and emotional as well.

Totally agree with you.

Someone, like myself who is nearly homeless, destitute and emotionally destroyed, that might come here researching what he or she may have gone through would be turned off.

Whether one chooses to believe it or not, a case can be made that the probate courts of the US are extremely biased towards one gender.  It's a painful, financially devastating and life-changing event one must be put through due to the actions of the narcissist, borderline partner that has thrown us to the gutter.

I just want people to be aware that there people of all gender makeups (male, female, transgender whathaveyou) are going through this terrible experience...and that abuse may be continuing for some.

My hope that the language, form and style used here are not closed and gender-specific to one specific group of people.

If you take the time to read the different threads about that on this forum, you will realize that it is not related to just one gender but that all pathological disorders are associated with both genders.

40% of all domestic violence victims are male.  Most of these men are afraid to report it for obvious reasons.

I would pray that some loving father out there, desperately seeking that he isn't alone would be able to come to a wonderful fountain of information such as this and not feel shunned.

Mod's note: Edited to fix the quotation boxes

Don't worry about that, some male members could confirm that if they wish to do so.

[anart]

After reading the certain things Narcissists do, I now realized that in my last relationship, I think she was a Narcissist and maybe even on par with a psychopath. She would do many of the things stated such as accusing( she wouldn't let me go out with friends if there was a girl around as she thought I would cheat, even though she had cheated on two of her past boyfriends), lying, saying sorry( she even once told my mum she was 'messing' with my head), creating camps and invoking fear among other things. She would also have wild mood changes and is extremely controlling.

Thank you for this thread, but I do however have worries. I am in a relationship now with a different girl, but I feel I have some of these traits, sometimes I would say, You don't love me as much as you used to or why don't you ever.... and so on. It feels like if im not in a relationship with a Narcissist, I become one myself. Am I thinking about this too much? Will EE be helpful for me in this situation?

I think EE would be helpful, as well as continuing to catch yourself when these thoughts arise and when you act on them by saying/doing such things.  When we're involved with a narcissist in a romantic relationship, it really can affect us and our thought processes to the extent that we begin to react the way they would react.  But - and this is the important part - that is conditioned behavior and not who we actually are.  The best way to cleanse ourselves of that narcissistic 'stain' is to pay really close attention to our own thought processes and notice (as you are doing) when we start to emulate those thought processes and that behavior.  It's a sick behavior - it's not at all healthy - and if we can catch ourselves doing it, then we have a chance to stop it.  It will take time and effort but it is very possible to remove that influence from our minds.  Not sure if that helps, but the main point is that learning about how your own mind works and why is the key to freedom.

[boobear]

Hello,I am an only of an aging Narcissist.This forum is a big help.I will have more questions later.

[Nienna]

Hello,I am an only of an aging Narcissist.This forum is a big help.I will have more questions later.

Hi boobear, welcome to the forum.

We recommend that new forum members introduce themselves on the Newbies board.  You don't have to write anything personal, just a bit about you and how you found the forum. 

If you don't know what to write, just read what others have posted to get an idea.