Hi shellycheval, hi Gertrudes,
Well, it's been very full-on around here but it's coming to a close rapidly, of which I give great thanks to. I am at the stage that I'm "dealing" with memories surfacing of various intuitions i had, things that were said (by him), and a sort of sensation, or feeling within my body. Kind of life a psychic slime over me, residue of a sensation I experienced. He has gone though, and the police have put a restraining order on him, after a court session on Monday. I'm sorry to say but, all a bit feral really.
Shellycheval, thanks for your comments, I recognised them immediately as intending to be supportive and kind. Thank you. It's nice to feel that intent, it's like a landing pad where to rest for a while. That might sound strange but, hopefully it can be understood. You are correct when you say it is about power, and that was something I recognised early in the piece, and called it as such. I am still exacerbated by things that were said, and more to the point, the intention behind the actions and words, hard to describe here but, I'm talking about a type of energy, and I think relates back to the psychic slime.. I am nearly finished Wolves In Sheep's Clothing and it is spot-on and positively accurate to my circumstance, it's uncanny, and I have to rest the book down often to catch my breath. I had taken notes along the way in our relationship, and the things that I wrote, matched sometimes completely accurately to what this book is saying. It's a relief to know my instincts are serving to protect me (no one else is it seems!!)
When I share snippets with some folks (why do we do this I wonder? The need to share?), and I try to come to terms with his cruelty and things that were said, I see these folks immediately trying to assess what I might have done in order for him to say the things he said. Who says: "When I get to the top I'm going to spit on you in the gutter"? A megalomaniac psycho who is interested only in power. To put it simply.
Gertrudes, thank you for your feedback and to answer you yes, I have thought much about your suggestions. It is my practice to self-monitor and assess myself in all that I do (as much as one can of course), and I have experienced this, what you speak of. I saw early in life the malfunctions of my past, and through ongoing meditation and reflection (not to mention responsibility!) I discovered that yes, many times in a relationship we are seeking to play out the past in order to create an opportunity to relive and "resolve" something. This relationship however was just different, somehow. It was like he chose me for my vulnerability, and I have never encountered such sadistic cruelty. I have experienced an attitude before - some folks view people with illness as genetically inferior, and serving to affirming of their own superiority, I believe that this is part of what was occurring in this situation. Re my cancer, it is my belief that my cancer has developed due to stress. Stress from a home that was terrifying, stress from homelessness, stress from overworking, stress from being used and abused in work situations.. I haven't actually experienced abuse in a relationship before (my last partner was a strange situation, though not abusive). I have normally found companionship with people that have had troubled backgrounds themselves, whereby the relationship is much based in empathy and support.
What I have noticed is that, the more stressed I am, the more ill I am (physically weak or exhausted), the more I am "open", and the more I seem to attract predators, and abuse. Some circumstances I have had have been quite uncanny. I am not delusional, but in some instances I have noted that, it has been like a force that has conspired things to happen. I would also like to share that, in this relationship, right from the start, I had body issues (more): I fell off my bike twice, something I haven't done for 30 years, I fell over a few times just walking, I had ongoing neck, hip, and back problems. I was always exhausted and afraid, so I guess it was showing in my body. All a bit sad really.
Anyhow, thought I'd share, I hope this assists someone out there.. I have a life to continue with, and more importantly, a heart and mind that feels raw and somewhat shattered, that I need to attend to. And this includes meditating and reflecting on what I did to attract this situation.
Thanks for all your interest in this topic.