The Games Narcissist Play

[Harold]

Thank you for your forum on narcissist, I can now say I am a victim! I have been struggling for 10 years with a N, thinking I was going crazy. If I told someone I thought my partner was 'sick in the head' and treating me bad, I was looked upon as if I was joking. No one ever believed me, he seemed to be normal to the outside world. Even been described as caring, intelligent and charming...I have so many stories to tell about living with a N, it would sound as if I had made them up or was exagerating.

I have two problems that I am facing at the moment. The first is I am going to court to fight the N. The second is I need to know WHY I STAYED WITH HIM. Can anyone shead some light please.

Hello V4victim,

welcome to the victim club! it is the most expensive club around, the membership, your soul. Im not just a member, I could be the president!

Yes I too was married to a N, and every word you wrote, could apply to me also. Especially:

If I told someone I thought my partner was 'sick in the head' and treating me bad, I was looked upon as if I was joking. No one ever believed me, he seemed to be normal to the outside world. Even been described as caring, intelligent and charming...I have so many stories to tell about living with a N, it would sound as if I had made them up or was exagerating.

All the best in this new chapter in your life, some day (I hope for your sake) you may look back, and see this ordeal as a necessary step to your freedom, and you deserve it.

Can you imagine if you will... that some day , your nick name will be V4victory... vivacious.... or vegitarian.

keep on keepin on, my heart extends out to you where ever you are.

[iloveyellow]

Also, anytime you feel ready to, you can talk about family issues or whatever on the swamp. It's a private part of the forum that is protected from search engines as I understand it. If you're not ready for mirroring, you can just state that you need to get it off your chest. Go as slowly as you need to.

Wow, I didn't know that there was this place.  I know where to go now for my rants, and why confusion was ensuing on my other posts as to why I was receiving "mirroring".  I had no idea!!

I am in a domestic violent situation with my partner.  We had the police around after a massive fight on Christmas evening.  The result being bruised body and kidneys for me, and scratches on him.  This is a culmination of ongoing mental torment and escalating anger from him, who seems to blame everyone for his anger.  Obviously me in particular, and whether it's because of my facial expressions or my tone of voice, it's my doing, and another way of him shifting the focus.  I have begged this man ongoingly to stop, but the viciousness of his attacks seem only to be escalating.  In particular the things that he says.

I have had a history of abuse, particularly metal abuse from my mother, father, stepmother and stepfather.  I am an only child of a divorced couple.  I agree on the possibility that narcissism can run through a particular generation.  I have come to this idea before.  I thought I was going crazy most of my life from the twisted lies and manipulation from my parents, I ran on the assumption mostly that all could only be the result of confusion, and misunderstandings, as surely my parents want the best for me.  In my 20's though I got very ill, and it became even more abusive, and it came clear that the possibility that they in fact do not wish the best for me,  my head spun, I turned my life around, and decided that I need to stay away from them, and protect myself.  After all, no one else was going to do it.  That was hard in every way.

It's been very difficult to have this twisted relationship with my parents - confusing in my head.  I wish I could know why and how it came to this, because it began from very young.  I want to understand, not from a victim perspective, for I have become quite capable of taking responsibility for my self.  But the situations in my life, and the life of many seems so disproportionate to others.  There is such a vast gap of experiences between people.  It just doesn't seem to be random.  There seems to be, only what I've come to describe as a "force" behind it.  A "force" that I have perceived from a very young age.  My effort to understand is my way of taking responsibility, and bringing my understanding to consciousness so I can objectively process the situation.  It's really very interesting, if you can extract the personal emotion from it.

I am looking forward to indulging in the recommended reading.  Thanks all for sharing.  It's really great to be involved.

[obyvatel]

iloveyoghurt , the situation you are involved in sounds terrible. In my personal opinion, you need to get out of this physically abusive relationship as soon as possible. Metaphysical speculations are best conducted from a situation where one is physically secure at the least.

   I have had a history of abuse, particularly metal abuse from my mother, father, stepmother and stepfather.  I am an only child of a divorced couple.  I agree on the possibility that narcissism can run through a particular generation.  I have come to this idea before.  I thought I was going crazy most of my life from the twisted lies and manipulation from my parents, I ran on the assumption mostly that all could only be the result of confusion, and misunderstandings, as surely my parents want the best for me.  In my 20's though I got very ill, and it became even more abusive, and it came clear that the possibility that they in fact do not wish the best for me,  my head spun, I turned my life around, and decided that I need to stay away from them, and protect myself.  After all, no one else was going to do it.  That was hard in every way.

   You have done this (gotten out of abusive relationships) in the past - you can do it again. I would venture an educated guess that your health conditions are tied to such dysfunctional relationships and at the very least, you need to be away from physical abuse in order to heal your being.
   You were brave in sharing a painful aspect of your life. You did not seem to look for feedback in the words you wrote - yet having read your posts in other threads about your quest to investigate health issues in metaphysical terms, I thought I would share my thoughts. I do not intend to offend your sensibilities but reading the above post of yours, it seems that this is a blindspot for you and you seem to be trying to find a higher meaning when the immediate focus perhaps should be on physical reality. Sharing your experience on the forum is a step in the right direction. Others may have more valuable feedback - take mine fwiw. My heart goes out to you.

[Shijing]

I am in a domestic violent situation with my partner.  We had the police around after a massive fight on Christmas evening.  The result being bruised body and kidneys for me, and scratches on him.  This is a culmination of ongoing mental torment and escalating anger from him, who seems to blame everyone for his anger.  Obviously me in particular, and whether it's because of my facial expressions or my tone of voice, it's my doing, and another way of him shifting the focus.  I have begged this man ongoingly to stop, but the viciousness of his attacks seem only to be escalating.  In particular the things that he says.

[...]

In my 20's though I got very ill, and it became even more abusive, and it came clear that the possibility that they in fact do not wish the best for me,  my head spun, I turned my life around, and decided that I need to stay away from them, and protect myself.  After all, no one else was going to do it.  That was hard in every way.

It sounds like you ended up making the right decision with your parents and actively doing something about the effect they were having on you -- maybe it's time to try the same thing with your partner, based on what you describe above? That doesn't sound like a good situation to be in at all, either emotionally or physically.

It just doesn't seem to be random.  There seems to be, only what I've come to describe as a "force" behind it.  A "force" that I have perceived from a very young age.  My effort to understand is my way of taking responsibility, and bringing my understanding to consciousness so I can objectively process the situation.  It's really very interesting, if you can extract the personal emotion from it.

That's true -- and this can also help you to be more objective about it as you figure out what to do. Being able to actually see things like this as they manifest in our actual life -- not just hypothetically -- can be very disarming at first, but are also quite valuable in the long run as they help to provide the tools we need to extract ourselves from damaging environments.

I am looking forward to indulging in the recommended reading.

It's really very helpful, and I hope you get a lot out of it.

Added: this posted just after obyvatel's post above, with which I agree.

[herondancer]

I am in a domestic violent situation with my partner.  We had the police around after a massive fight on Christmas evening.  The result being bruised body and kidneys for me, and scratches on him.  This is a culmination of ongoing mental torment and escalating anger from him, who seems to blame everyone for his anger.  Obviously me in particular, and whether it's because of my facial expressions or my tone of voice, it's my doing, and another way of him shifting the focus.  I have begged this man ongoingly to stop, but the viciousness of his attacks seem only to be escalating.  In particular the things that he says.

Hi ILY,

Please listen to obvatyl and shijing.  There is nothing spiritual about staying with an abusive partner.   Metaphysical contemplations about life lessons are nigh on pointless if you are in physical danger, and you can DO something about it.  Please get in touch with the women's groups in your area, there's likely a shelter if you need protection. That was one of the big lessons Laura learned, and it cost her a great deal.  She has generously shared her mistakes so we can learn from them.

I know you didn't ask for a mirror, and this is not meant to be one, but you are in a serious situation.  I realize there may be reasons that you are still there (children?), but that can be worked out.  Please keep us posted.

[iloveyellow]

Hello and of course thank you, thank you.. thank you for the mirroring, I think it's a great idea, as well as highly necessary.  I just didn't know in other posts that's what was going on.  My mistake for sure.

I take all your advice and I hear your genuine concerns.  We are working it out - eg, intervention orders, police, womens' legal advice, etc... be assured, I want him out of my life.  I'm doing whatever I can.  I just get stumped because I cannot support myself, yet; my business is just getting off the ground..

It's been truly amazing to watch things go from really bad, to quite horrific.  I've watched the lies and the strategies that he takes to keep my off-balance.  And, as time goes on, his capacity for hatred is unbelievable.  I've also noticed that I use the same words over, as I just cannot describe what I'm perceiving..  I see now that he chose me for what he perceived as a weakness in me - I have an illness.  He said he would support me as I get well (not why I got involved I may add, I'm not that naive or that desperate to act just on that).  Within weeks of living with him he was abusing me and telling me to get a job.  Mind you, on my own bat, I did get a part-time job, in order to contribute - I want to contribute, and I don't wish to lean on anyone to support me.  I see though that he has a hatred for anything that he perceives as weak.

But of course, it's not all as simple as this..  there is so much more to these people.  These people that I have only usually viewed from a distance (apart from my parents!!).  Much more also, that I have witnessed about this man.

A this stage, he will move out and pay his share of the rent.  Hopefully my business will begin bringing in some income soon(!).  Believe me, I cannot wait to see the back of him.

I'll just finish by saying the police said they would get him out, but, to my utter dismay, they brought him back!!  The legal system is quite a debacle, and again for me, I am faced with that there is little real concrete assistance for people who are "vulnerable", eg, ill, or in violence.  And friends?  I have some, but I do not want to alienate myself further, by driving anyone away when I need support.  So many people just want to make sure they are ok.  It's frigging......  unbelievable.

I'm happy for mirroring!!  I hope there are others out there that can draw strength - or whatever they need - from my sharing.  I hope others find it at least interesting.

Thanks for the insightful topics on psychopaths, ops etc.  It helps to move away from shock and fear, and to mental processing, which leads to understanding and solutions.

[iloveyellow]

Can I just add, in the realm of limited assistance, I'll give one interesting example that left me baffled and reduced my confidence in outside help.  It's also one example as to why I've come to understand it as a 'force' behind the people and the acts.  I saw this force from very young. The events are just too uncanny when they occur, and often, in seemingly highly crafted sequential order.  I don't take drugs either

We went to counseling early in our relationship, and it quickly became apparent to me that it was rather a forum for him to justify his anger and behaviour.  I saw the manipulation early, being alert to that kind of thing, and terminated my attendance early, as I wasn't going to allow him to use me to further complicate the situation, and thus, provide a screen for him to disguise himself, and his behaviour.

The crux really came when I had told the counselor that I was becoming terrified, and in the moments of his violent anger I felt suicidal.  The counselors idea was to find ways of reducing opportunities for his explosions, and the sessions turned to me, and what I was doing.  It became apparent that this man didn't like my facial expressions, or that my voice was becoming what we have come to call as "high-pitched" in times of conflict.  The counseling then became about me, and that I should not get high-pitched in these times of stress, because it was setting him off.  

Now, I know we are all human etc, and we do our best but, this was unacceptable for me.  My head was spinning and I refused to play ball on these grounds.

He has continued with his counseling, and what it seems to me is that, they both have a happy (probably unconscious) arrangement - my partner pays a lot of money to the counselor, and the counselor doesn't call him on his behaviour.  In summery, the sessions it seems to me, have only made him stronger by the attention his ego receives, and his 'games' have actually become more cunning.

I just watch in perverse fascination and disbelief at how it unfolds..

[Laura]

He has continued with his counseling, and what it seems to me is that, they both have a happy (probably unconscious) arrangement - my partner pays a lot of money to the counselor, and the counselor doesn't call him on his behaviour.  In summery, the sessions it seems to me, have only made him stronger by the attention his ego receives, and his 'games' have actually become more cunning.

I just watch in perverse fascination and disbelief at how it unfolds..

You need to get your own counselor who is savvy about the ways of narcissism and psychopathy.  You'll need someone in your corner.

[iloveyellow]

Thanks Laura,

At this stage, I have friends support, one who is a psychologist and is experienced with this type of 'situation'.  She gave me a book a few months back called "why does he do that?" or something like, it has worded me up on the 'game play' from his side.  I am also seeking counseling at some stage, however, in between all this, I am focused on me rather than him, keeping my mental energy strong, clear, and focused, remaining in a sense, untouchable as possibly I can.  Because, as well as taking care of the practical, it seems to me to also be about energy.  A particular kind, or vibrational current that is the driver.  it seems to work through particular people.

Honestly, my main concern at the moment and my focus is on shelter -for me, my belongings, and my lovely cat.  At the moment he is looking at possibly being charged, something he is clearly afraid of, as it will tarnish his clean image.  He is towing the line, at the moment.  I also need to get through an operation this year.  I have quite a bit going on really.

I am counting on my business bringing in an income, and putting all energy I have into that.  My moral hasn't been broken at this stage, and I'm running with that as much as possible.

Thanks for this interesting discussing.  I'm concurrently reading the thread on the complicated idea of OPs.  it all helps to understand.

[Laura]

What I meant was that, if any legal claims come along such as his psychologist saying "she's nuts", then you need a psychologist who is recognized by the court as an expert who can counter that.  Strategy is as important as just having personal support.

[iloveyellow]

Yes, good idea..

I'm overwhelmed, and cannot seem to think about all the aspects.  I have a legal appointment soon (They are closed over the Christmas till the 10th Jan), and next week with some local community support people.

Your point maybe timely as, on the night, he had me against the wall and was whispering in my ear something about locking me in a psych ward forever - "your gonna be locked in a psych hospital.... when I'm at the t op I'm gonna look down at you in the gutter and spit on you..".  He was referring to a conversation we had once, in a tender moment when I opened up about the stress of my past, and how, at this time, when I was diagnosed with cancer a second time and had nowhere to live, I became almost mute with the stress, and the psychologist at the time mentioned I might need a "break".  Also, because I mentioned suicide to the police when they asked me if I had any suicidal thoughts, they put forward the same - ie, that they may need to put me into a psych ward.  I was utterly stunned, each, and every single time.  Still am.  And now, thinking about it, I'm becoming worried, and will need to add this to the action list.

Anyhow, I often think about women who are in even worse situations than this, for example, I don't have children.  I cannot imagine the anxiety.  Also, this person and I have only been together for 2 years, some women have lived with this kind of thing for much longer.

It's one day at a time for me.  At the moment I'm sleeping 10/12 hours.  Luckily we have separate rooms, I couldn't handle sleeping next to him.

[iloveyellow]

Having said that, while I know I need to have a clear strategy, and, luckily, at the moment I am in "survival mode" rather than shock, and am capable of thinking (frontal lobe is not shut down), I am confident he has nothing on me.  We are negotiating at the moment as he is worried about himself.  We own a house together and we are talking of tying up all loose ends via a solicitor next week, presenting reasonably in court, stating that we have taken care of everything, including him moving out.

Since this topic is about The Games Narcissist Play, I would like to recount one of the first alarm bells for me.  For two reasons: It helps me to put any of this out there for mirroring and discussion (but without expectation), it also give brass tack practical examples of my experience for others to have details of my experience to compare notes with.  Hopefully also it will run complimentary to the rather general descriptions out there about this type of situation.

The recount is as follows:
We had a long distance relationship for 6 months.  On a morning within 2 weeks of moving into our rented apartment, he made breakfast in bed for me.  We were in, I thought, a delightful honeymoon period.  He served me a large plate of food, to which I said "Wow, is that all I get??" in what I intended playful jest.  From where the food ended up on my lap (as he, I wont say threw, but rather roughly tossed at me, and this I think is a pertinent distinction), cutlery following straight after, obscenities, and a dark, descending atmosphere.  And I said to myself - erm, uh-oh, this is not very good....not in Kansas anymore...

It never really stopped from there, it got worse.  The arguments became more circular, confusing, and IMO, illogical.  From there more signs that arose for me that indicated that we were erm, "different", was that he would way too quickly resort to obscenities before I even knew there was an argument.  It used to fully confuse me.  When I attempted to explain this, and that maybe it would be best that we didn't do that, as it actually inflamed and escalated rather than assisted in bridging understanding.  I found to my astonishment that, from there this abuse actually increased, and often it seemed, in quite calculated and timed moments.  That to me demonstrated obviously a lack of care and respect for my wishes, as well as that we were on rather different pages in regards to practical conflict resolution strategies.  And that is being polite!


Edits for grammar

[anart]

The recount is as follows:
We had a long distance relationship for 6 months.  On a morning within 2 weeks of moving into our rented apartment, he made breakfast in bed for me.  We were in, I thought, a delightful honeymoon period.  He served me a large plate of food, to which I said "Wow, is that all I get??" in what I intended playful jest.  From where the food ended up on my lap (as he, I wont say threw, but rather roughly tossed at me, and this I think is a pertinent distinction), cutlery following straight after, obscenities, and a dark, descending atmosphere.  And I said to myself - erm, uh-oh, this is not very good....not in Kansas anymore...

I'm curious if there is a reason why you couldn't have just said thank you, instead of making a joke at his expense?  While it does sound like an over-reaction on his part, one does tend to wonder why you'd say such a thing.

[iloveyellow]

Hi Anart,

yes, I have thought that it was something that may have been insensitive, and clarified this to him afterward.  I was saying/meaning that he had presented a lot of food to eat, and I was impressed.

[samy]

We had a long distance relationship for 6 months.  On a morning within 2 weeks of moving into our rented apartment, he made breakfast in bed for me.  We were in, I thought, a delightful honeymoon period.  He served me a large plate of food, to which I said "Wow, is that all I get??" in what I intended playful jest.  From where the food ended up on my lap (as he, I wont say threw, but rather roughly tossed at me, and this I think is a pertinent distinction), cutlery following straight after, obscenities, and a dark, descending atmosphere.  And I said to myself - erm, uh-oh, this is not very good....not in Kansas anymore...

If I really loved a woman and she said that to me I would have replied/acted differently, like say "you deserve more" or "your wish is my command" or "what ever you want love", and if she really loved me back she would would have said "you're all I need" or something like that. That's true love, and real lovers do 'playful jest' most of the time. But obviously you were only an 'official' partner for him; just someone to be with or use. And I bet only he was allowed to do 'playful jest' on his terms not yours right?