I read the beautiful friendships article yesterday and I have to say that it is about a 90% accurate portrayal of my adolescence. On top of the more or less Platonic "bromances," I have experienced genuine homosexual arousal. My system just doesn't recognize physical, emotional, or intellectual attraction as something that is gender dependent. I have tried to bury this fact my entire life because of the homophobic attitudes that Obyvatel mentioned.
I've never been particularly interested in the "masculine ideal." The men in my family were always very knowledgeable of machinery and equipment and how to fix it and were just flabbergasted that I was a "woman" in this regard and could never really pick it up and had no real interest beyond learning what was absolutely necessary. I never idolized Clint Eastwood or Arnold Schwarzenegger, while they always saved the day, their general demeanor just seemed antipodal to how I felt inside. I remember my uncle wanting me to "pump up" so that I would be able to beat up some boys that were picking on me, and while I did kind of want to beat them up, I really didn't have any desire to turn into the incredible hulk. I've always had sort of a slight build, and a tendency to wear my hair and my nails long because "manning up" makes me feel "butchered." People at work consider me a bit emasculated, but my analytical ability tends to offset their attitudes a bit.
The whole gay thing hit me pretty hard around the age of 13. I mean kids were telling me that God was going to send me to hell for being gay and then doing these gyrations before I even knew what gay was. After being taunted with depictions of these graphic sexual acts, I "learned" that gay was some aberrant sexual behavior characterized by any sort of physical intimacy between two guys. Now it just so happened that I had this male friend who would hug me and we would hold hands together occasionally, which only added fuel to the fire. Some days I would come home from school crying, and while the men in my family were somewhat supportive, they really wanted me to toughen up. Real men don't cry. Real men don't feel much of anything...
Anyway, back to my friend, we would have sleepovers where we would share a bed and sometimes end up more or less in each other's arms. One night, we were horsing around, wrestling in the bed and I started kissing him and we were sort of playfully touching each other. It was all very innocent and I was kind of caught up in the moment when it suddenly dawned on me that we were being gay. I cannot quite convey the overwhelming feeling of sheer terror that came over me at that moment. Thoughts were racing through my mind about how all of those terrible things those other kids were saying about us were true. I quickly withdrew into a corner and he kind of wondered what happened. We got more and more distant after that. About a year later, he came out as gay and kind of hinted that he had a crush on me. Our friendship didn't last very long after that. I even ridiculed him a little. Nothing was worse than being gay...
While I wasn't sexually attracted to my friend, I did experience sexual arousal to guys I thought were "sweet, smart, and handsome." In light of what happened with my friend, I tried to sweep it under the rug as much as possible, but it never entirely went away. Senior year of high school there was a girl that I was very attracted to and we had a bit of a bond that took my mind off of same sex intimacy. Nevertheless, because I had basically cut myself off from my friend over the perception of being gay, I became very guarded and basically found that I lacked the ability to really be emotionally close with anyone.
A couple more years went by and I decided to dip my toe in the water of the gay world because I thought that gay men might understand it better and I would finally be able to settle the question of whether I had this terrible affliction called homosexuality or not. Without boring you with the details, the gay scene just struck me as passing around cheap sex, no strings attached. There was nothing to be learned there. A lot of the behaviors which are promulgated such as barebacking did seem rather repugnant to me and threw me into a general state of confusion regarding my orientation. I remember asking this one gay couple who seemed to be of a bit of a higher caliber whether anyone looks for any kind of intimate connection anymore, and they said yes, but they are very few and far between. On the way home, I thought about how the same dynamic plays out among heterosexual couples it's just a little more covert.
Obyvatel said:
In some cases, the result is not so much of a rescuer but a cynical-beyond-the-years personality where there is a an avoidance of deep connection with others, perhaps as a way of avoiding potential betrayal in a relationship.
This pretty much describes my attitude toward relationships. As I've gotten older I've just gotten more and more entrenched in my avoidant personality. My base level requirement for anything beyond a tenuous friendship is an awareness and understanding of the various topics discussed here. They don't have to be a Cassiopaea member or even have heard of Laura, but they have to have a basic familiarity with the concepts, otherwise there is quite literally nothing to talk about. I have met three such people in my life, two male and one female. Two of those I had romantic feelings about and one became my best friend. However, the lives of my "romantic interests" always went in different directions, and my best friend and I sort of hit a wall. Every time this happens, it feels like a piece of my soul is ripped out. You finally find someone you feel you can reach out to and trust all of your deepest secrets with and you seem to get along so well and then suddenly they're gone. At this point, being in any real position of trust or vulnerability in a deep relationship with anyone else, Platonic or not, is almost unthinkable. You always get hurt.
I thought it was interesting reading about the family stuff and how it might influence all of this. My mother left me when I was year old and I ended up spending most of my childhood raised by my grandparents. I kept telling myself that I never knew her and I don't care because she was just some stupid druggie, but I kind of wonder now if it did leave a mark somewhere...
I read the Platonic Touch article today and I was reminded of the 2nd person I kind of had romantic feelings about. He wasn't homophobic and really seemed to be able to talk about his feelings well. He wasn't afraid to be close to me. I really just wanted to curl up next to him and talk about stuff more than anything else. The whole "sexual relationships or bust" attitude toward emotional contact really is frustrating for me.
I do offer my gratitude to whoever posted these articles because they do seem to describe my inner landscape to a T.
I was watching this video on YouTube the other day that sums up how I feel about it in a nutshell pretty well.
_https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WNr3x1kVVEc
