Covert Depression

Heimdallr said:
luke wilson said:
Uhmm, I don't have those qualities and if I did, I don't display them that way.

Lilyalic was asking if you wished you had those qualities.

I admire those characteristics, but I don't necessarily want them! I figure if I wanted them, I'd try to imitate them but that's not something I've done. I just admire them the way you could walk into a gallery and admire a painting... doesn't necessarily mean you want to own the thing!
 
This has been a fascinating but overloading thread for me to read, as I'm back contributing on the forum after the best part of a decade in the wilderness, but here goes, I've got to at least try and articulate my thoughts about the many areas of subject matter raised here.

I'm about 10,000 words into a very jumbled up journal of thoughts, memories, feelings (in a non-pretentious way, memoirs is how I see the project), and the subject of my inner child has been glaring up at me in so many different ways, and has been in ways I've been unable to face or feel, for years and years.

I fit the profile of a covert depressive who is coming out of his self-abusive shell and becoming an overt depressive, to a tee. Until this evening I had no idea that the term even existed, and I'm going to have to re-read the first page of this thread more than once to fully get the gist of the concepts, but I've already understood a bit.

First a bit of history; I've been at various points in my adult life a binge drinker, an abuser of cannabis, and something of a sex addict. I've been through therapy and rehab for the latter two, the first one I overcame quite easily by myself.

Other than the odd relapse, I keep myself to American Spirit, green tea and black coffee nowadays, though I try not to beat myself up should I ever fall off the wagon. It really is maddening how us men (and women) so often and so regularly fall into these traps of filling the holes in ourselves with these artificial "feel-goods", so often to the extent of a major addiction or dependency. It's been a really big part of why I consider myself a bit of a failure as an adult, most definitely in the emotional sense. And it all goes back to childhood, as it so often does with so many of us who have these kinds of problems, particularly the ability not only to articulate one's emotions, but also in my case to actually feel anything at all.

Maybe that's too extreme, I do feel, but not in an integrated, deep way. Emotionally I feel somewhat shallow or flat. Actually I could specify further and say there's a disconnect between my intellectual centre and my emotional centre, and there has been because I've been supressing tears since the age of 11, and I'm now 40!!!!

This realisation scares me actually, to think that I've been burying real feelings of sadness, hurt and loss for 29 years, but the problem I've found is that I'm also now scared to actually revisit these feelings. I hear my inner child sometimes deep within me, ever so feintly. I fear recollecting some of the memories he wants me to revisit, but that fear may well be my ego/predator who has so successfully ruled the roost for so long.

I remember being beaten up in school at the age of 11, and it was nothing major, no blood, no cuts, but I lost the fight and burst into tears at the end of it. I remember it with humiliation. A friend of mine immediately tried to comfort me but I flipped and turned on him immediately, saying "don't fuss over me, I'm fine!". On a few other occasions I was made the subject of humiliations, and I can vividly remember just wishing I was invisible, I couldn't understand how the other kids could all gang up on me and be so cruel. I was a very sensitive kid too, and I know that these experiences must have hurt me deeply.

It must have been subconscious, but at some level of my being I must have thought "no more of this, I'm not going to be the whipping boy, nor is anybody gonna see me cry". The rest of my adolescence was a very emotionally strange time, where I'd only open up and truly be myself with established friends, and everyone else got the aloof cold shoulder. And I'd never let anyone get close to me, my fear of rejection meant that I'd even keep good friends at arms length. So much of what has been written on this thread rings true with me. I've been living this way ever since, and until today I didn't really acknowledge the fact, though in a less articulate way it has crossed my mind one or two times when deep in thought late at night.

But it goes beyond being emotional numbness, I mean I've buried 3 of my grandparents for chrissakes and I didn't even shed a tear. I've never cried at a funeral, and I loved my grandparents. I remember thinking at the funeral of one of my Nan's, being ever so stoical, following the male stereotypes so prevalent in my extended family; just thinking to myself "she's with God now". I would have been about 16 when that happened, but I remember the inner voice, so deep and low, like I was imagining that this is how a man should be. Apart from a handful of times I've not been able to cry in these 29 years. I can laugh, get angry, nervous, anxious, frightened, but cry? Like getting blood out of a stone, yet I know that these years of repression must carry a price, because it must all be stored up in me somewhere.

In those very rare moments when I've been able to cry, it's come out in tumults, like I'm thinking, "well this actually feels good to me, I never want this to stop". I understand that this is part of the emotional immune system, it's natural and healthy, but my god it is so hard to get myself to open up.

The dreaded fear of the homophobes in the schoolyard resonates also. One of my very best friends in school was gay (loads of us knew it but we never let on, because it was the 1980's in rural Wales, horribly backward place, racism was rife too). No-one ever wanted to be labelled "a poof". I actually lost a good friend in school because of one of the more rough lads labelling us as "bum-boys", and neither of us wanted any hassle from him because we both knew he was tougher than us. we just didn't want the negative attention so we just distanced ourselves from each other. This pathology is just so maddeningly pointless, and it scars us even if we don't realise it for decades later.

As an adult I've been sexually ambiguous, and I do now wonder if that is where all those trapped emotions are residing. In fact I can pretty much confirm it due to some internal dialogue going on just now as I write this.

So very sad to have to face that hurt and fear as a kid has caused me so much harm and dysfunction ever since. I'm comfortable as a sexual being (I'm sexual, where on the spectrum of homo/hetero/bi no longer bothers me, but clearly it once did), and also comfortable being on my own as an adult, but I really need to get back in touch with my inner child so much more, because he's so fearful. I've got a lot more reading and journalling to do before I really make any concrete breakthroughs but it's been therapeutic and relieving to write this down here, I hope it hasn't been too dull or repetitive for anyone who happens to read it.

And thank you to all who have contributed to this thread, it's been essential reading for me. :)
 
Bit of a typo in the above post, I meant to say half a decade away from the forum, not a decade. :)
 
Although I don't have any direct advice Skipling, just want to say that I think it's really brave of you to revisit these events and bring them to surface given the damage they have done. It's a big step for recovery and further healing and growth.
Also a big well done for overcoming your addictions. It's horrible what is really under them when they are gone!

There was a recent SOTT podcast about addiction that you might enjoy listening to, possibly to understand it all a little more:

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/sottradionetwork/2015/08/21/the-health-and-wellness-show--21-aug-2015--addictive-behaviors

Good luck :hug2::hug2:
 
I'm sorry to hear what you've been through Skipling.
fwiw I went through similar things at school.

Do you do EE regularly? Diet also plays a big part in emotions and addictive behaviors.
Ultimately addiction is about (the pain of) social disconnect. It doesn't matter how many people you know if you can't connect emotionally. This thread may be of use on the emotional side of things.

Gabor Mate has written some good books on stress and addiction, and you can find many of his talks on youtube.
 
Thank you both, Huxley and RedFox, for your words of support and for those handy links. I think it does take bravery to face these things; I used to think very glibly regarding memories and past life events (not former life events, although I must admit I have often wondered if problems in this life have carried over from a previous incarnation, but it's pointless wondering like this, because to a very large extent I consider such things almost impossible to verify and so steer away from them lest they bake my noodle like they did in the past).

The glibness? Not any longer, I'm slowly realising just how hard this work of knowing and remembering yourself and correcting the defects in your machine actually is. Quite often I've thought "my god this like a kind of masochism", but conversely the way I've been living when not doing this work has been the actual masochism, indeed it's self abuse disguised as a form of relief. I've got a lot of re-reading of the Wave books, and ISOTM and 4th Way (I enjoy that book because it dispenses with the anecdotal stuff and focusses solely on conversations between Gurdjieff and Ouspensky, though I won't say that I understand much of it so far) to go through, but I know it'll be worth it.

I'm pretty annoyed with myself for not coming to these realisations sooner in my life, but clearly I wasn't ready to do so, the pull of mechanical living was just too great for me to overcome when I was last present and contributing on here back in 2009/10.

RedFox, I've got a fair few Gabor Mate presentations bookmarked, and he's a good bloke to pay attention to, as he opens up about his obsessive collecting of cd's as a coping mechanism for emotional difficulties in many of them. I actually used to do a lot of that too, but it's very telling that I'm reaching or have reached a threshold of boredom with my old ways of living. I can't escape the impression I get of Mr Mate as a very melancholy man, a real shame he's so inculcated by the anti-smoking program too. A good American Spirit rollie would probably do him the world of good, but he'd probably just think he's feeding a new aspect of his hungry ghost!

Music addiction is a classic example of coping as avoidance actually; I used to listen to a lot of rock, soul and funk music, but I'm just bored of it all, they all just seem like glorified nursery rhymes to me now. A more refined and aspirational part of myself would rather listen to something like La Mer by Debussy; it's actually a relief to let go of all that old syncopated stuff that I was always associating with. It feels good to let them go.

I think I'm the kind of person who has to exhaust the possibilities of something before I get bored and move onto better things. Better things for me that is, I'm not dissing rock and funk, I'm just bored of it all.

My musical tastes as it happened, went pretty much hand in hand with the old smokeables I used to indulge in, very revealing that was and it didn't take much in the way of self-observation to realise that, but so many i's were being obstinate about it, fearing making the necessary changes, worrying what the implications would be for "them/me". It was a comfort zone, where parts of me could say "this is me and this is what I've liked for 20 years". Well, time changes and so do one's tastes, thankfully.

I'm enjoying these hidden bonuses of getting older quite honestly. :)

My diet I am sad to admit is pretty rubbish (save for a good supply of red meat and chicken, plus I love mackerel) but there is a reason behind why. I am currently only working as a volunteer in a job, and I'm also in debt to my bank, so until I can find paid work again (and I've not been in paid employment consistently for almost 2 years, really depressing part of life this) I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. I'm applying for jobs weekly and daily, but no joy so far. I can only keep persevering on this front. At the moment I'm living on the grace and favour of my parents until I can find work again whilst stabilising my debts; it's not an ideal situation for any of us, but we stick together and I know not to make too many demands of them, they've helped me out enough over the years.

I struggle with feeling the benefits of EE if I'm honest. I'm not really predisposed to meditation either, I'm more the kind of person who likes to just lie in the dark in bed just thinking about things which bug me about myself before going to sleep. I know, so many of you have spoken of the benefits of the program, but it just never has worked for me whenever I've tried, so I just try and find insights and understandings in the methods which do work for me, which in my case means some merciless introspection late at night and my journalling, plus the reading too. I will say this for EE though, it works as an expectorant, because it gets more mucous off my chest than anything else!!! :)

Regarding making emotional connections with people; well, this is a very big challenge for me, and I'm getting better slowly. The "weed" persona was my social self for the best part of 20 years, so it's no wonder that I'm a little bit shifty and uncertain in social situations nowadays. I find I'm a lot quieter and less conversational, pretty much like I was prior to the substance dependence actually. Unless I'm talking to someone about something I'm keenly interested in, like politics or psychological theories and perspectives, or film. I find banter pretty difficult, because I get bored by it, but I can chat happily enough about the football with my few mates; it's just a bit of fun for me, I'm well aware it has no real meaning in my life. Another aspect of the old me that I'm getting bored of. I haven't got the patience to watch a live game of football on the telly now, though I do indulge in the highlights show on a Saturday night. I'd much rather watch a good intelligent film.

Thanks for the feedback guys, I'm gonna do a bit of reading now on here and make a greater commitment to contributing. One of my big blockages thus far has been a fear of admitting what I don't understand, so I'll be sure to open up and ask more questions when I need help. :)
 
Skipling said:
My diet I am sad to admit is pretty rubbish (save for a good supply of red meat and chicken, plus I love mackerel) but there is a reason behind why. I am currently only working as a volunteer in a job, and I'm also in debt to my bank, so until I can find paid work again (and I've not been in paid employment consistently for almost 2 years, really depressing part of life this) I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. I'm applying for jobs weekly and daily, but no joy so far. I can only keep persevering on this front. At the moment I'm living on the grace and favour of my parents until I can find work again whilst stabilising my debts; it's not an ideal situation for any of us, but we stick together and I know not to make too many demands of them, they've helped me out enough over the years.

Its really good that you still have your parents to help out when your in a position like yourself at the minute, its something to be very thankful for. With regards to the diet, its actually rather cheap to start eating some clean food. I see you are from the UK, you can pick up the fatty off cuts of bacon VERY cheap, and also a healthy size pork chops (Asda Price) cost less than £1 each. Chuck in some vegetables and your set :).

Skipling said:
I struggle with feeling the benefits of EE if I'm honest. I'm not really predisposed to meditation either, I'm more the kind of person who likes to just lie in the dark in bed just thinking about things which bug me about myself before going to sleep. I know, so many of you have spoken of the benefits of the program, but it just never has worked for me whenever I've tried, so I just try and find insights and understandings in the methods which do work for me, which in my case means some merciless introspection late at night and my journalling, plus the reading too. I will say this for EE though, it works as an expectorant, because it gets more mucous off my chest than anything else!!! :)

From what you have mentioned, it seems to me that you have a very active mind. Possibly one that runs around from topic to topic? I think that can be good for things such as reading and learning, but it may be in overdrive for abit too long. Especially when your going to sleep? This is where the breathing exercises come in. Its an exercise to not only relax your body, but to let go of the rambling in the mind. It allows for emotions to surface, and also to somewhat tap into the information field so that we can digest information more fully.
Have you practiced EE regularly for several weeks at a time? For some people, they see its use within the first session. But for some, im assuming it will take awhile to attune themselves to be actually capable of performing the exercise fully. The pipe breathing part is very beneficial to get to sleep at night.

Skipling said:
Regarding making emotional connections with people; well, this is a very big challenge for me, and I'm getting better slowly. The "weed" persona was my social self for the best part of 20 years, so it's no wonder that I'm a little bit shifty and uncertain in social situations nowadays. I find I'm a lot quieter and less conversational, pretty much like I was prior to the substance dependence actually. Unless I'm talking to someone about something I'm keenly interested in, like politics or psychological theories and perspectives, or film. I find banter pretty difficult, because I get bored by it, but I can chat happily enough about the football with my few mates; it's just a bit of fun for me, I'm well aware it has no real meaning in my life. Another aspect of the old me that I'm getting bored of. I haven't got the patience to watch a live game of football on the telly now, though I do indulge in the highlights show on a Saturday night. I'd much rather watch a good intelligent film.

I can relate to that ''weed'' personality that we have while in the mist of the drug. When we come back to reality, its shocking how anxious we truly are. So i agree, i too find 'banter' a pointless waste of energy and its difficult to conversate with alot of people. But this is an exercise in externally considering. It makes us get out of only talking about things that we like. If you can push through, and join in with some of the day to day conversation and 'banter' then it makes life alot easier to get through id say.

http://glossary.cassiopaea.com/glossary.php?id=40

Skipling said:
Thanks for the feedback guys, I'm gonna do a bit of reading now on here and make a greater commitment to contributing. One of my big blockages thus far has been a fear of admitting what I don't understand, so I'll be sure to open up and ask more questions when I need help.

Unless we admit that we do not understand something, we have no way of coming to any future understanding.
 
The dietry changes which I need to make do play on my mind, and thanks Huxley for the tips on getting good cheap meats. To be honest, the chief problem with my diet is not getting enough fats. This is very difficult for me to overcome, because I'm the kind of person who would cut the fat off a pork chop, the taste of it makes me gag. I appreciate the fact that it's something I need in my body though (I'm as skinny as a whippet, but reasonably muscular), especially if I'm to finally reach a point in my life where I can live a life without bread.

Currently I'm at the point where I'm kinda forcing myself to eat fat on meat, so as to acclimatise myself to it. I know it's possible for me to do this, I didn't particularly appreciate green tea when I first switched from black tea, but the feeling within is so much better; you get a sense of your body's gratitude when you consume it.

Yep, my mind is a pretty hectic place to be at times, but nowhere near as much as it used to be. I think I understand what you're getting at by accessing the informational field; this is where (correct me if I'm wrong) the soul/consciousness can cultivate understandings of the ideas and concepts that I take into myself through my reading.

I've learned that understanding is the big challenge; you can read any amount of books and articles, but the deeper, genuine understanding of them is the hurdle, particularly if the concepts are new and expressed in terminology which is unfamiliar, and as we no doubt all know on here this is bound to take time. But these are the exact challenges which I am looking for, and I also understand that patience is indeed a virtue.

I've bookmarked casswiki and have some Dabrowski pdf's which I know from only a cursory glance are going to be tricky for me to understand to begin with due to the "alien" terminology, but I'm pretty dogged, I'm up for the fight when it comes to these kinds of intellectual challenges. :)

I tend to have gone through spells where I've tried EE, then left it alone due to it leading to physical tension rather than relaxation. There's a bit of a split within me which is causing this on the emotional level, I'll give EE another go this weekend to see if I can gain more relaxation in the body/mind from the excercise. My sleeping is much better than it used to be however, I suffered terrible insomnia for years on end, but it has gone now, I find sleep much better nowadays.

With regards to practising external consideration, I like to think that other than when I was "under the influence" I'm pretty considerate of where other people are at psychologically and spiritually in my social circles. Towards the end of my weed episodes I'd become something of a loose cannon, which helped me finally overcome the dependency in fact.

I've learned over the years not to tread on anyone's toes, nor to carve up their sacred cows. I'm at the point where I can at least enjoy the company of colleagues, friends and family regardless of whether I have much common ground. It's not for me to determine what they need to be aware of in life, nor them with regards to me, every interaction is a tango for two, and no-one likes a preacher. It's always better in the case of practicing external consideration to enjoy what you can share rather than mope or focus on what you can't. I mean, that's what the forum is for, it's the only place really where we can each allow ourselves to fully "let loose", albeit in a disciplined way.

Thanks again for your response Huxley, and my best wishes to you on your spiritual journey! :) Your name and avatar have a significance to me, because reading Aldous Huxley's "The Perennial Philosophy" was a big part of my journey which brought me to Sott and the forum many moons ago.
 
Skipling said:
The dietry changes which I need to make do play on my mind, and thanks Huxley for the tips on getting good cheap meats. To be honest, the chief problem with my diet is not getting enough fats. This is very difficult for me to overcome, because I'm the kind of person who would cut the fat off a pork chop, the taste of it makes me gag. I appreciate the fact that it's something I need in my body though (I'm as skinny as a whippet, but reasonably muscular), especially if I'm to finally reach a point in my life where I can live a life without bread.

Currently I'm at the point where I'm kinda forcing myself to eat fat on meat, so as to acclimatise myself to it. I know it's possible for me to do this, I didn't particularly appreciate green tea when I first switched from black tea, but the feeling within is so much better; you get a sense of your body's gratitude when you consume it.

fwiw I needed to start with olive oil. Then duck fat and store bought lard (which isn't the best, but is cheap as chips!)
You likely have a sluggish liver from years without enough fat, so go slow and steady. Check out the Ketogenic thread as there is a lot of useful information there.

I tend to have gone through spells where I've tried EE, then left it alone due to it leading to physical tension rather than relaxation. There's a bit of a split within me which is causing this on the emotional level, I'll give EE another go this weekend to see if I can gain more relaxation in the body/mind from the excercise. My sleeping is much better than it used to be however, I suffered terrible insomnia for years on end, but it has gone now, I find sleep much better nowadays.

Probably best to drop the bretha portion for now in that case. Check out the Stress thread too, as it's likely the emotions are trapped in muscle tension. Somewhere in your life you probably learned it was dangerous to show/feel emotions (probably the story you relate above), so body work (Google self deep tissue massarge if you can't afford it) and yoga (youtube will teach you!) might be helpful.

fwiw rather than continue the discussion here, if you want to vent about jobs etc post something in the swamp :)
 
Thanks for the advice RedFox, I've found a YT video on the deep tissue self massage which I'll be watching tomorrow. I'll dig into some further articles on the subject too so I can get the gist of the issue and its benefits. Interestingly a friend of mine is a bit of an expert on yoga too, so the next time I see her I'll ask for her advice on the subject too. It's just reached a point now where enough's enough for me, I've got to get right down to finding the solutions for these problems.

I've also bookmarked your recommended threads. I've got a short volunteer shift tomorrow so should have plenty of time to read when I get home, not to mention in the morning before I go in fact. It's high time I upped my efforts on all fronts. I'll be sure to take things gradually and not rush into making drastic dietry changes. Many years back I tried to eliminate bread from my life without getting the relevant fat intake and my body just went crazy with withdrawals. Since then I decided to keep it at a minimum whilst also eating as much good meats and oily fish as possible (thankfully we're all blood type O and raving carnivores in my household, I think I've read before that O is a type that particularly needs a heavily carniverous diet, but I may be mistaken) :).

Hmmm, good point you made about taking my personal information into the more private section of the forum, duly noted. ;)

Thanks again for the advice. :)
 
I agree with Terrence Real's description of male hidden depression and why it stays hidden. I also think the beautiful friendships article is relevant, so thanks to 13TT for posting it.

Consider this quote from a fifteen year old boy named Justin:
[My best friend and I] love each other...that's it ...you have this thing that is deep, so deep, it's within you, you can't explain it. It's just a thing that you know that that person is that person... and that is all that should be important in our friendship...I guess in life, sometimes two people can really, really understand each other and really have a trust, respect, and love for each other. It just happens, it's human nature.

In my youth, it seems all my friendships were beautiful and came really close to fitting the way Justin describes his best friendship. For me, these always preceded the pain of a lot of involuntary separations. Depression was bound to occur or to become noticed at some point in my early life, yet wouldn't have stuck with me and become hidden without a lot of painful incidents preceding it, though.

We moved a lot when I was growing up. I always had lots of boy friends who may as well have been all best friends. I loved people and I loved my friends (mostly boys at that time) and couldn't conceive of any end to the activities or of the quality and pleasure of our interactions. Yet, time and again, I would come home on a Friday afternoon only to hear "we're moving" and I would never again see these friends. This became practically a way of life for our family.

After awhile, you can probably imagine how it would go at a new school. I would meet new kids, instantly like several, but could hardly bring myself to get too close because my previous experiences were an ever-present shadow. Somewhere in my mind was the knowledge that I'd have to move sometime, probably soon, and would feel the almost unbearable emotional pain again. I suppose depression would become the double realization that I wouldn't be forming any more deep emotional bonds with anyone and that I couldn't do anything about it.

Even though there's a lot more to this story, thankfully that's not where it ends today. Over the years, I've discovered a lot of hidden depression and hidden emotion and allowed myself to feel it. I seem to have even processed a lot at night while sleeping as evidenced by my wife's concern the next day about me crying in my sleep. The memories I have of my beautiful but abruptly ended friendships are precious to me and I don't recall the ones I do because of the pain, but rather to feel thankful that I even experienced them.
 
That's really sad to hear what you've been through buddy :( :hug2:
I must admit I cried my eyes out when I read the Why do we murder the beautiful friendships of boys? article on sott, and can relate to a lot of the personality characteristics and experiences others have shared here - because it brings back a lot of my own pain.

For anyone who was labeled 'grily' or 'over sensitive' I've actually started to find a lot of strength in that - in stripping away the social labels and seeing this 'sensitivity' for what it is.
Dabrowski's work on positive disintegration really does put it into context - that the 'over-sensitivity' is needed for growth!

So rather than being our biggest weakness (and I'm sure you all have felt, and may still feel this it is weakness) it's actually our greatest strength when it comes to the Work and helping others. If we un-learn what society has taught us and learn how to use it as fuel.

It's still pretty new but it's building a strength in me I've not seen before, which I can only describe as courage to feel as deeply as possible.
To add one of my favorite sci-fi quotes that sums it up nicely (a conversation between past a future selves). Minor spoiler alert if you've not watched X-Men: Days of Future Past
The character is a psychic/empath, and is using drugs to block his abilities.


https://youtu.be/LbQ7DL1fAU8
Professor X: Charles.

Charles Xavier: Charles.
[looks around]

Charles Xavier: So this is what becomes of us? Erik was right. Humanity does this to us.

Professor X: Not if we show them a better path.

Charles Xavier: You still believe?

Professor X: Just because someone stumbles and loses their way, doesn't mean they're lost
forever. Sometimes, we all need a little help.

Charles Xavier: I'm not the man I was. I opened my mind, and it almost overwhelms me.

Professor X: You're afraid. And serebro knows it.

Charles Xavier: All those voices... so much PAIN.

Professor X: It's not their pain you're afraid of. It's yours, Charles. And as frightening as it
may be, that pain will make you stronger. If you allow yourself to feel it, embrace it. It will
make you more powerful than you ever imagined. It's the greatest gift we have: to bear their pain
without breaking. And born from the most human part: hope.
Please, Charles, we need you to
hope again.

To me that is part of what the Work and Sott is about. To be witness to others suffering.
So what would you say to your past self if you could? What would your (potential) future self say to you now, if you could hear it?


https://youtu.be/KzKuT5wxJSc
Choking on headlines
struggling to breathe
no god to turn to
no faith to believe
I started praying to someone
felt them praying back at me
looking upon me
with their future eyes to see..
‘Hows it looking down there love?
Hows it feel to be free?
Hows it looking down there love?
saying ‘what will be will be’

Free in the slipstream
waves dancing in my ear
I was hoping for answers
I was open to hear
‘Hows it looking up there son
now all the sorrow’s done
Hows it looking up there son
now all the wars been won?’

I heard them say..
“If you could see what I’ve seen
If I could show you my view
You would pick up the fight now
Just like you’ve got to do
If you had seen what I’ve seen
If I could show you my world
You would pick up the fight now
Just like you know you should”

Stuck in the middle
caught in the time
one life got to live it
say I, me, mine
how’s it looking out there child
way across the sea
how’s it looking out there child
living so far away from me

I heard them say..
“If you could see what I’ve seen
If I could show you my view
You would pick up the fight now
Just like you’ve got to do
If you had seen what I’ve seen
If I could show you my world
You would pick up the fight now
Just like you know you should”

Bonds to be broken
Minds to be won
I picked up my pen
I drew the gun

For those who didn't see it on sott, I think this may also be useful in exploring the subject. I loved hugs and snuggles as a kid - and still do.

The lack of gentle platonic touch in men's lives is a killer
In preparing to write about the lack of gentle touch in men's lives, I right away thought, "I feel confident I can do platonic touch, but I don't necessarily trust other men to do it. Some guy will do something creepy. They always do." Quickly on the heels of that thought, I wondered "Wait a minute, why do I distrust men in particular?" The little voice in my head didn't say, "I don't necessarily trust people to not be creepy", it said, "I don't trust men."

In American culture, we believe that men can never be entirely trusted in the realm of the physical. We collectively suspect that, given the opportunity, men will collapse into the sexual at a moment's notice. That men don't know how to physically connect otherwise. That men can't control themselves. That men are dogs.

There is no corresponding narrative about women.

Accordingly, it has become every man's job to prove they can be trusted, in each and every interaction, day by day and case by case. In part, because so many men have behaved poorly. And so, we prove our trustworthiness by foregoing physical touch completely in any context in which even the slightest doubt about our intentions might arise. Which, sadly, is pretty much every context we encounter.

And where does this leave men? Physically and emotionally isolated. Cut off from the deeply human physical contact that is proven to reduce stress, encourage self esteem and create community. Instead, we walk in the vast crowds of our cities alone in a desert of disconnection. Starving for physical connection.

We crave touch. We are cut off from it. The result is touch isolation.

How often do men actually get the opportunity to express affection through long lasting platonic touch? How often does it happen between men? Or between men and women? Not a hand shake or a hug, but lasting physical contact between two people that is comforting and personal but not sexual. Between persons who are not lovers and never will be. Think, holding hands. Or leaning on each other. Sitting together. That sort of thing. Just the comfort of contact. And if you are a man, imagine five minutes of contact with another man. How quickly does that idea raise the ugly specter of homophobia? And why?

While women are much freer to engage in physical contact with each other, men remain suspect when they touch others. There is only one space in our culture where long term platonic physical contact is condoned for men, and that is between fathers and their very young children.

I found this kind of physical connection when my son was born. As a stay at home dad, I spent years with my son. Day after day, he sat in the crook of my arm, his little arm across my shoulder, his hand on the back of my neck. As he surveyed the world from on high, I came to know a level of contentment and calm that had heretofore been missing in my life. The physical connection between us was so transformative that it changed my view of who I am and what my role is in the world. Yet it took having a child to bring this calming experience to me because so few other opportunities are possible to teach men the value and power of gentle loving touch.

As a young child and as a teenager, contact between myself and others simply didn't happen unless it came in the form of rough housing or unwelcome bullying. My mother backed off from contact with me very early on, in part, I think, due to her upbringing. I can only guess that in her parents' house physical touch was something for toddlers but not for children past a certain age. Add to that, the fact that my father was absent due to my parents' divorce and years of work overseas, and it meant I grew up without being held or touched

This left me with huge insecurities about human contact. I was well into my twenties before I could put my arm around a girl I was dating without first getting drunk. To this day, I remain uncertain about where and how to approach contact with people, even those I consider close friends. It's not that I can't do it, it's just that it remains awkward, odd. As if we all feel like we're doing something slightly... off?

Contact with male friends is always brief, a handshake, or a pat on the back. Hugs with men or women are a ballet of the awkward, a comedic choreography in which we turn our groins this way or that. Shoulders in, butts out, seeking to broadcast to anyone within line of sight that we are most certainly not having a sexual moment. We're working so hard to be seen as sexually neutral that we take no joy in these moments of physical connection.

Not only do we men distrust others in this muddled realm of physical touch, years of shaming and judgement have left us distrusting ourselves. Did I enjoy that too much? Am I having taboo thoughts? This distrust leaves us uncertain about touching another human being unless we have established very clear rules of engagement. Often we give up and simply reduce those rules to being in a relationship. We allow ourselves long-lasting comforting touch with our girlfriends or boyfriends. The vast universe of platonic human touch is suddenly reduced to the exclusive domain of one person and is blended into the sexual. That's a lot of need to put on one person, however loving and generous they might be.

Which leads to the question, how do we teach our sons to understand how touch works? How to parse out the sexual from the platonic? Is the pleasure of human contact inherently sexual to some degree? I doubt its a question the average Italian man would ever ask himself. But here in America, generations of Puritanical sexual shaming have made it a central question. By putting the fear of the sexual first in all our interactions, we have thrown out the baby with the bathwater, avoiding all contact rather than risk even the hint of unwanted sexual touch.

Many parents step back from physical contact with boys when their sons approach puberty. The contact these boys seek is often deemed confusing or even sexually suspect. And, most unbelievable of all, all opportunity for potential physical touch is abruptly handed over to young boys' female peers, who are suddenly expected to act as gatekeepers to touch; young girls who are no more prepared to take on this responsibility than boys are to hand it over.

And so boys are cast adrift with two unspoken lessons:

All touch is sexually suspect
Find a girlfriend or give up human contact

A particularly damning message to boys who are gay.

American culture leaves boys few options. While aggression on the basketball court or bullying in the locker room often results in sporadic moments of human contact, gentleness likely does not. And young men, whose need for touch is channeled into physically rough interactions with other boys or fumbling sexual contact with girls, lose conscious awareness of the gentle, platonic contact of their own childhoods. Sometimes it's not until their children are born that they rediscover gentle platonic touch; the holding and caring contact that is free from the drumbeat of sex, sex, sex that pervades our culture even as we simultaneously condemn it.

Is it any wonder that sexual relationships in our culture are so loaded with anger and fear? Boys are dumped on a desert island of physical isolation, and the only way they can find any comfort is to enter the blended space of sexual contact to get the connection they need. Which makes sexual relations a vastly more high stakes experience than it already should be. We encourage aggressive physical contact as an appropriate mode of contact for boys and turn a blind eye to bullying even as we then expect them to work out some gentler mode of sexual contact in their romantic lives.

If men could diffuse their need for physical connection across a much wider set of platonic relationships, it would do wonders for our sense of connection in the world. As it is, we can't even manage a proper hug because we can't model what was never modeled for us.

We have seniors in retirement homes who are visited by dogs they can hold and pet. This does wonders for their health and emotional state of mind. It is due to the power of contact between living creatures. Why are good hearted people driving around town, taking dogs to old folks homes? Because no one is touching these elderly people. They should have grandchildren in their laps every day, or a warm human hand to hold, not Pomeranians who come once a week. And yet, we put a dog in their laps instead of give them human touch, because we remain a culture that holds human contact highly suspect. We know the value of touch, even as we do everything we can to shield ourselves from it.

We American men, have a tragic laundry list of reasons why we are not comfortable with touch.

We fear being labeled as sexually inappropriate by women.
We live in a virulently homophobic culture so all contact between men is suspect.
We don't want to risk any hint of being sexual toward children.
We don't want to risk our status as macho or authoritative by being physically gentle.
We don't ever want to deal with rejection when we reach out. (And in our touch averse culture that is the most likely outcome.)

But at the root of all these flawed rationalizations is the fact that most American men are never taught to do gentle non-sexual touch. We are not typically taught that we can touch and be touched as platonic expression of joyful human contact. Accordingly, the very inappropriate over-sexualized touch our society fears runs rampant, reinforcing our culture's self fulfilling prophecy against men and touch. Meanwhile, this inability to comfortably connect via touch has left men emotionally isolated contributing to rampant rates of alcoholism, depression and abuse.

And what if the lack of platonic touch is causing some men to be far too aggressive toward women, who, as the exclusive gatekeepers for gentle touch are carrying a burden they could never hope to fully manage? Women, who arguably are both victims of and, in partnership with men, enforcers of the prohibition against platonic touch in American culture? The impact of our collective touch phobia is felt across our society by every single man, woman and child.

Brené Brown, in her ground breaking TED Talk titled The power of vulnerability talks at length about the limitations men face when attempting to express vulnerability in our culture. She notes the degree to which men are boxed in by our culture's expectations about what a man is or is not allowed to do. I would suggest that the limitations placed on men extend to their physical expression though touch. And are just as damaging in that realm.

But here's the good news.

There are many reasons why full-time stay at home dads are proving to be such a transformative force in American culture. One powerful reason is the awakening of touch. As full time dads, we are presented with the absolute necessity to hold our own wonderful children. We are learning about touch in the most powerful and life affirming way. In ways that previous generations of men simply were not immersed in. Once you have held your sleeping child night after night or walked for years with their hand in yours, you are a changed person. You gain a fluency and confidence in touch that you will never loose. It is a gift to us men from our children that literally has the capacity to transform American culture.

Accordingly, now, when I am with a friend I do reach out. I do make contact. And I do so with confidence and joy. And I have my own clear path forward.

The patterns in my life may be somewhat set but I intend to do everything I can to remain in contact with my son in hopes that he will have a different view of touch in his life. I hug him and kiss him. We hold hands or I put my arm around him when we watch TV or walk on the street. I will not back off from him because someone somewhere might take issue with our physical connection. I will not back off because somehow there is an unspoken rule that I must cut him loose in the world to fend for himself. I hope we can hold hands even when he is a man. I hope we continue to hold hands till the day I die.

Ultimately, we will unlearn our fear of touch in the context of our personal lives and in our day to day interactions. Learning how to express platonic love and affection through touch is a vast and remarkable change that has to be lived. But it is so important that we do it. Because it is central to having a rich full life.

Touch is life.
 
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