Do you fear being STS?

Hello All,

I relate to this fear. Today in the car I was reviewing my life and I basically came to the conclusion that I have been on an STS roll for most of it. In fact, even though I have always really felt for people .... perhaps more than most ... and have gone out of my way to not hurt them ... I have
very clearly been primarily out for number one.

Having grown up seeing the destructive side of giving when people weren't particularly asking to be given to, did a lot to confuse as well as dampen my own inclinations of really giving to others. I am so grateful for Laura setting me straight and clearing my head about how to have a proper attitude towards giving ... I am still working on my "maneuvers of perception" such that I am at least not feeding the STS machine as much as in the past. And hopefully this post will add a measure of comfort to other members that might also have this fear of being stuck in STS tendencies ... that we might all march onwards and upwards with discipline towards STO candidacy ... bit by bit.

Thanks for posting this topic!

Hi truthseeker101. Since this is your first post, we like to suggest that you introduce yourself in the Newbies Section with a little bit about yourself, how you found the forum and if you have read any of Laura's books/articles. If you are unsure of what to write, you can look at what others have written. :)

Hi Nienna,

Thank you for this suggestion. I will go there now.

The realization of my own selfishness initially destroyed me. Nothing terrified me more than destroying my own house of cards.. And it's not as if this sort of attitude causes you to outright hurt people (although anything has the ability to escalate given someone can't control their emotions), it just drains people. Seeing the world for how selfish it truly was made me bitter at an early age. Pair this with an abusive/religious upbringing and you end up with a pretty crappy kid (ha-ha)! I guess through this whole process I've sorted my past out, but even then being raised in this society ingrains some hypocritical knots that have to be untied. Before I came to terms with my anger issues, nothing would infuriate me more than someone even implying (in my own mind) that I had anger issues. Now not having the ability to objectively look at how stupid and unnecessarily defensive that was, I lived in a even more false reality where everyone was hurting *ME* and I was just a victim. And that's just among the myriad of other contradictions (Not wanting to be known as a bad person, rather than being a good person etc etc with this tainted lizard brain of mine).

I easily fall into old habits and sometimes fear I've destroyed all my progress (maybe this is that southern baptist mentality still effecting my brain), but I do know I am a lot more quick to admit how crappy I'm acting. Relationships with people close to me have been getting better and more problem-solving based. For the first time In my life it feels like progress is being made. I actually have a drive to educate myself, make music again, and not let every single moment be taken for granted so easily. I guess I've just finally gotten that kick I needed for self-empowerment.

These realizations I've come to make me view my depression and anxiety in a whole new light. I don't necessarily view them as horrible negative things now (i.e. i'm broken as a capitalistic society would like to say), but rather facets of my being. My own obstacles to face. So rather than hating it I'm trying to understand it. Rather than being defeated by it I'm trying to power through with breathing exercises and take my mental well-being back. It's a hard road, but it's the same road for all of us none-the-less.

I'm very thankful for this forum and the plethora of information it has that makes me challenge my actions daily. It's so much easier to keep myself in check when I limit my influence to thing and people that share the goal of empowerment through knowledge!

Firstly, I would like to thank wand3rer for this interesting topic.

I read many posts and I agree with a lot of it. I also think and feel for years that I don't exist as one simple entity. As Emmanuel Kant said, we are the addition of multiple egos I, I, I, I and I..... But the fact we're networking here and we're interesting by all concerning laura's work mean that we have chosen the right path according to me and this topic is one of the best example.

At the beginning I was angry against myself when I used to say 1 thing and 5 minutes later the complete opposite with such conviction... Or sometimes I couldn't stop saying something absurd and then regret it a few sec later. In fact, we are many in our "head" :D

I won't explain what is the "work" but I think that the most important thing to do is to accept who we are (our differents I's), then understand and explain why some of these parts exist and finally this self-observation work should bring us to unify our being in an awaken consciousness.

Fear is not the solution and moreover, what we really want and what we work for is. I understand more and more than the will, the thoughts is all that matters.
My best friend once told me that accordind to him, an angel was a repented deamon, I like this metaphor...

We're not perfect but let's work hard to change and get an upgrade

Hey Elohir,

Elohir said:

Firstly, I would like to thank wand3rer for this interesting topic.

At the beginning I was angry against myself when I used to say 1 thing and 5 minutes later the complete opposite with such conviction... Or sometimes I couldn't stop saying something absurd and then regret it a few sec later. In fact, we are many in our "head" :D

Click to expand...

I used to be exactly this as well, make a decision then do the opposite. I think though, the hardest part was not having the knowledge to understand this. Gurdjieff is great when it comes to how he sees man. But i have also found the books on narcissism in the recommended reading list also give a comprehensive picture of why this happens. Overall, psychology is interesting, and being able to observe it in ourselves is even more interesting.

Im glad you feel like you've chosen the right path!

I'm far from some people here who could reach a very good level of consciousness, but I think that the most important thing at the very beginnning is asking questions about everything and especially about ourselves.

Most of humans are STS living in a global illusion but as the C's said once "Knowledge protects". Once you acquire and accept some informations as densities, wave principles, STS/STO orientations, psychology etc... you can't say "I don't know" anymore and finally we come back to the free will thema. Everyone has to chose what he wants and then has to act according to his choice.

Being STS or STO is not really relevant for the work at the beginning. I think we don't have to focus on that point for the moment. Asking the right questions, experimenting, making decisions, failing, succeeding, getting more and more knowledge might be far more important.

Of course I also asked to myself this question when I discovered this forum and all that stuff about the C's. Then I began to fear that I could be someone bad or a simple PO without any soul... I think this kind of question may be logical for any beginner in the work.

The C's have also stated that we live in an SS realm. But their is possibility of being an STo candidate. I think its always important to remember this. I think its natural to have that fear, but i think it could lead to disassociation or way to stagnate our ability to make the choice to continue if we let it. I believe this is what happened to me for a short period. But it is a path, and this is what makes it interesting :)