"Longing for my soulmate"

Temperance

Temperance

Jedi Council Member
FOTCM Member
So last night I didn't do EE, but I did a few rounds of pipe breathing and thoroughly relaxed before going to sleep, and this is the dream of last night:

Implicitly, I was with a group of people traveling and going from beach to beach, staying at different places as we traveled. At one point I willingly separated from the group to go swimming by myself and swam down the length of a couple of beaches, which seemed man-made, with stone structures at the shore and partly submerged on which one can lounge on and such, and it was really beautifully built. At one point I reach a place where I decide to go into a nearby house, and I see a girl (which was implicitly "part of the group") who I hadn't seen (in real life) for about 9-10 years (and I never really talked to her much either, she wasn't really significant in my life). She was in the house with some guy who she had just met, and was apparently living there with him now, who was much older than her (she was in her early twenties and the guy seemed like in his thirties), and she seemed to really be trying to get his attention and be affectionate but he just wanted to watch TV. Soon enough I began to leave and invited her to go back to the beach and swim with me, but she didn't want to, and I thought about asking her for her number so we could meet up later, but decided I should just let her be and she'll realize her affection wasn't being reciprocated. At first I was slightly bothered by my her not humoring my invitation but then I brushed it off and made my way outside. This time I left through the front door, into the street. It was a very hilly area, with a street lined with houses although not cluttered by them, and mountains in the distance. It was very beautiful scenery. Someone who saw me leaving the house asked me something about the property and I said I didn't live there and was just traveling. As I make my way down the street I see people riding long boards and bicycles, and thought to myself that it would be nice to live here, and wished I had my bike or long board to ride, but I knew it wasn't "home".
This skips to a scene where I was talking to a friend's girlfriend(who I met recently, but her hair was a different color) and I can't remember what we talked about, but I remember thinking that it would be nice to be dating her but that I couldn't because she was dating my friend.
This skips to a scene where I was playing a pokemon game on a console(i dont think the game actually exists) with one of my friends, which was sort of like a fighting game, but there was an option where players could cooperate against a single opponent. I remember for some reason being irritated that his girlfriend( a different girl from the one just mentioned) was doing a poor job at helping us defeat the opponent. (I think here I was more irritated at not having a girlfriend who could play the game with me, but rationalized that irritation as I mentioned above).
The dream skips to another scene where I was at a pool where I used to work, and one of my coworkers was sitting on the side of the pool, in street clothes rather and with a backpack rather than with her lifeguard clothes. (A little background on her: I think her and I would be a potentially good fit as a couple, but she's currently dating some guy who she doesn't trust and the relationship seems like an unhealthy one) Very gently, I kicked a ball at her with the soccer pass movement, with not nearly enough strength to either hurt or even throw her off balance (again, she was sitting) but she fell into the pool and her backpack floated away (it was a funny scene :lol:) but I apologized and told her it really wasn't intentional, meanwhile I was hiding my phone away from me on a nearby couch(why a couch by the pool? I don't know, but it's happened in my dreams before) thinking that someone would try to push me in because of that.

From my own analysis, I think there is an element of jealousy that other people are in a relationship while I'm single, although it's not terrible and doesn't consciously bother me much, although it seems that unconsciously it may be bothering me a bit. The traveling aspect of the dream, seems to me to mean traveling through life, looking for a partner, although I know that not any partner will do, and I am not seeking anything superficial because I need someone to be on the same life-path as me, have the same craving for knowledge than I, and be open to the Cass. material and such. The beach, swimming, and pool seem to me to symbolize my own deep feelings, which may not come to conscious awareness all the time, i.e. this feeling of longing. The playing, video game, long board and bicycle symbols I think are pointing at this feeling being from my childhood and juvenile.

As far as I can remember, I've always had a longing for a meaningful relationship, ever since I was a kid. When I was around 4 or 5 years old, I asked one of my mom's friends, who was in her twenties, to marry me. A year or two after that, I proposed the same to one of my classmates. I think I was thinking about girls even before the other boys my age, although it wasn't in a sexual way, but rather that of companionship. Later into my teens, when I did think of girls sexually, and did date and have girlfriends, it was always still looking for something real and meaningful, and tried to treat my girlfriends as if they were "the one", and took the relationships seriously, although sooner or later they'd come to an end and I'd move on. I can always look back and see things which pointed that we had degrees of incompatibility and I can see the lessons to learn from every relationship, none ended with irreparably bitter feelings. Currently I'm single, and I'm not upset about it, although it seems like my unconscious wants my conscious mind to acknowledge that longing. I understand that I shouldn't seek a relationship, but rather work on myself. From the dream, I was still enjoying the views and the traveling, and not quite burdened by being "alone", which I think reflects my attitude on the matter, that I will still enjoy life without a partner, and do my own thing, until a suitable one comes into my life, who shares my views and desire for self-improvement, etc.

A good way to summarize the feeling could be "I miss my soul mate", although I don't know if it's a feeling that I incarnated with, belongs to an attachment, a past-life, or perhaps Dark Cupid's slow-acting poison.

Any feedback and advice will be greatly appreciated :D
 
Hi Guille, according to your story, it seems that the man of 30 years, of which you seem to be jealous, is you in the future. At least a representation of what you will be when you have your true wife. That is, you need to grow and to mature, you do not have to think obsessively to have a wife. This man of 30 years doesn't think about his wife. This does not mean that we should be misogynist, but the symbol tries to notify a more detached behavior. Your furure woman may still be too young for you. Boys are sometimes slow to become men.
The fact that you do not give him your phone number appears to indicate that you're not ready. It also seems to deny you. You must therefore wait.
 
The idea of a soulmate is ancient. In Plato's The Symposium, for example, Zeus splits humans - each originally created with two sets of genitalia - in half and since then humans have longed for their other half, for the lost other half of their soul - always longing for that "marriage made in heaven". It is said that finding one's other half brings utter joy through perfect mutual understanding.

Psychologist Shauna H Springer, Ph.D., has an interesting take on soulmates - she argues that a married couple well-informed about each other may eventually become soul mates, that one can find a person with the "raw potential to become your soul mate and to create the kind of bond with them that will allow you to become each other’s true soul mate".

Springer writes in her article "Soul Mates Do Exist—Just Not In the Way We Usually Think" (https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-joint-adventures-well-educated-couples/201207/soul-mates-do-exist-just-not-in-the-way-we):


[...] While I do not believe there is such a thing as “finding your perfectly matched soul mate,” I’ve seen plenty of evidence that we can become each other’s soul mates as the result of a deep and lasting love relationship. If humans can develop finely honed skills in music, athletics, and language arts, wouldn’t it be equally possible for them to become perfectly suited and completely irreplaceable to their spouses? A musical genius develops perfect pitch and can create soul-stirring compositions of musical beauty. The best soccer players combine incredible footwork skills with a holistic awareness of the playing field; at the highest levels of play, soccer becomes a game of angles, similar to billiards. Someone who becomes fluent in a language “thinks” in that language—there is no effortful retrieval once the language becomes second nature.

Along these lines, for a couple in the later stages of a satisfying marriage, effective and respectful negotiation of challenges has become habitual. Love and respect for each other have been practiced so repeatedly that thoughts of separation or divorce are completely alien. The partnership has become so multifaceted and the compatibilities so intricately dovetailed that one's spouse could never be replaced by anyone else. Two individuals who have become perfect for and irreplaceable to each other have become soul mates. In this way, soul mates become each other’s “one in a billion perfect match.” This for me is the form that a soul mate takes in one’s life.

I suspect that happily married couples eventually pass a threshold into this last, most rewarding stage of marriage. The transition point into the stage of becoming each other’s soul mate would be different for each couple, and some couples would arrive earlier than others. (Sadly, many couples never even come close to achieving this). Perhaps this shift is the result of successful reconnection at a certain key transition point, such as the reconnection that follows the launching of adult children or the transition to retirement. However, this is not a passive process - marriages don’t get better as a function of time alone, but rather they get better as a function of two partners continuing to treat each other with love and respect despite the challenges life brings.

Whenever two individuals do become each other’s soul mate, the remaining years of marriage are grounded in security and a rare and special form of earned intimacy. As I see it, during the soul mate phase of a well-nurtured marriage, the developmental tasks would be to celebrate and make meaning of the life you have lived together, operating as sacred keepers of each other’s history, and to become generative together towards others. One hallmark of couples who have passed into the “soul mate” phase of their marriage is that they continually bless and inspire others through the way they treat each other and those around them. Another hallmark is the “widower” effect – when two people become one, it is often the case that the death of one is closely followed by the death of the other. This isn’t merely romantic nonsense propagated by Hollywood movie-makers – this actually happens with notable frequency for closely-bonded pairs.*

In the final stages of marriage, the love that can be created is a deeper, more satisfying level of love than anything that anyone encounters in the initial cocaine-rush phase of a relationship. In one sense, to make a comparison between the experiences of love at these two relationship stages is like comparing apples and oranges. I would argue that love of a deep and meaningful kind is only possible when based on real knowledge. If being loved is based on being known for who you are and cherished despite your flaws, then the feelings one has during the initial cocaine-rush phase of a relationship can’t be love. These feelings would be some combination of other pleasurable things like hope and attraction, and illusions of the soul-mate variety.

What feels a lot like love in the cocaine-rush phase does not compare to the love that couples may enjoy in the final phase of an exceptional marriage. If you doubt that this is true, consider the difference between the giddy feelings of being in love with someone you've known for a short time and the feelings of love you would have for someone who has been your journeying partner for the past 60 years of your life—the person who has been by your side through thick and thin, who has believed in you and invested in you.

If this is difficult to picture, then, as an analogy, imagine the way it would feel to move into your dream home, full of excitement and thrilling plans for the future (in parallel to the cocaine-rush phase of a relationship). Now, imagine the feelings of love and attachmentyou would have about the same home after making every square inch of the home suited to your personal tastes and filling it with layer upon layer of joyful memories over the course of a full and rich life (in parallel to the tested romanticism phase). The feelings you would have in either case cannot be compared as equals, but I would guess that most of us would cry harder if the home full of memories caught fire.

In some ways, despite my strong criticism of the concept of soul mates, I’m a (grounded) romantic at heart. My book (Marriage, for Equals: The Successful Joint (Ad)Ventures of Well-Educated Couples) and most of my blog posts are essentially about how to find someone with the raw potential to become your soul mate and to create the kind of bond with them that will allow you to become each other’s true soul mate.
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Kisito said:
Hi Guille, according to your story, it seems that the man of 30 years, of which you seem to be jealous, is you in the future. At least a representation of what you will be when you have your true wife. That is, you need to grow and to mature, you do not have to think obsessively to have a wife. This man of 30 years doesn't think about his wife. This does not mean that we should be misogynist, but the symbol tries to notify a more detached behavior. Your furure woman may still be too young for you. Boys are sometimes slow to become men.
The fact that you do not give him your phone number appears to indicate that you're not ready. It also seems to deny you. You must therefore wait.
Click to expand...

Thank you for your reply, Kisito. I consciously understand what you are saying, and since I've had this dream, the feeling of longing has been popping up more often in my waking life, and I have to catch them and remind myself that they are just impatient cravings, and that I must be patient. The night after I had the dream, I also had a dream that was of a more general type of loneliness and not belonging, not so much of a romantic kind. I feel that it has to do with the natural side effect of gaining knowledge and shifting to perspectives of reality that differ from the norm... the isolation of a Seeker, although I haven't felt this so much in my waking life, or not lately at least.

A couple of nights ago, I had another dream, which was of a similar theme as the first one, that of longing for a partner. In my dream, I was in a relationship with a young woman from my EMT class, who I haven't really spoken to. It was just us doing happy couple things... heh. When I woke up, I thought... geez, another one of those! I will try to meditate on it and see if I can where the root of this longing is...

Ynna said:
The idea of a soulmate is ancient. In Plato's The Symposium, for example, Zeus splits humans - each originally created with two sets of genitalia - in half and since then humans have longed for their other half, for the lost other half of their soul - always longing for that "marriage made in heaven". It is said that finding one's other half brings utter joy through perfect mutual understanding.

Psychologist Shauna H Springer, Ph.D., has an interesting take on soulmates - she argues that a married couple well-informed about each other may eventually become soul mates, that one can find a person with the "raw potential to become your soul mate and to create the kind of bond with them that will allow you to become each other’s true soul mate".

Springer writes in her article "Soul Mates Do Exist—Just Not In the Way We Usually Think" (https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-joint-adventures-well-educated-couples/201207/soul-mates-do-exist-just-not-in-the-way-we):


[...] While I do not believe there is such a thing as “finding your perfectly matched soul mate,” I’ve seen plenty of evidence that we can become each other’s soul mates as the result of a deep and lasting love relationship. If humans can develop finely honed skills in music, athletics, and language arts, wouldn’t it be equally possible for them to become perfectly suited and completely irreplaceable to their spouses? A musical genius develops perfect pitch and can create soul-stirring compositions of musical beauty. The best soccer players combine incredible footwork skills with a holistic awareness of the playing field; at the highest levels of play, soccer becomes a game of angles, similar to billiards. Someone who becomes fluent in a language “thinks” in that language—there is no effortful retrieval once the language becomes second nature.

Along these lines, for a couple in the later stages of a satisfying marriage, effective and respectful negotiation of challenges has become habitual. Love and respect for each other have been practiced so repeatedly that thoughts of separation or divorce are completely alien. The partnership has become so multifaceted and the compatibilities so intricately dovetailed that one's spouse could never be replaced by anyone else. Two individuals who have become perfect for and irreplaceable to each other have become soul mates. In this way, soul mates become each other’s “one in a billion perfect match.” This for me is the form that a soul mate takes in one’s life.

I suspect that happily married couples eventually pass a threshold into this last, most rewarding stage of marriage. The transition point into the stage of becoming each other’s soul mate would be different for each couple, and some couples would arrive earlier than others. (Sadly, many couples never even come close to achieving this). Perhaps this shift is the result of successful reconnection at a certain key transition point, such as the reconnection that follows the launching of adult children or the transition to retirement. However, this is not a passive process - marriages don’t get better as a function of time alone, but rather they get better as a function of two partners continuing to treat each other with love and respect despite the challenges life brings.

Whenever two individuals do become each other’s soul mate, the remaining years of marriage are grounded in security and a rare and special form of earned intimacy. As I see it, during the soul mate phase of a well-nurtured marriage, the developmental tasks would be to celebrate and make meaning of the life you have lived together, operating as sacred keepers of each other’s history, and to become generative together towards others. One hallmark of couples who have passed into the “soul mate” phase of their marriage is that they continually bless and inspire others through the way they treat each other and those around them. Another hallmark is the “widower” effect – when two people become one, it is often the case that the death of one is closely followed by the death of the other. This isn’t merely romantic nonsense propagated by Hollywood movie-makers – this actually happens with notable frequency for closely-bonded pairs.*

In the final stages of marriage, the love that can be created is a deeper, more satisfying level of love than anything that anyone encounters in the initial cocaine-rush phase of a relationship. In one sense, to make a comparison between the experiences of love at these two relationship stages is like comparing apples and oranges. I would argue that love of a deep and meaningful kind is only possible when based on real knowledge. If being loved is based on being known for who you are and cherished despite your flaws, then the feelings one has during the initial cocaine-rush phase of a relationship can’t be love. These feelings would be some combination of other pleasurable things like hope and attraction, and illusions of the soul-mate variety.

What feels a lot like love in the cocaine-rush phase does not compare to the love that couples may enjoy in the final phase of an exceptional marriage. If you doubt that this is true, consider the difference between the giddy feelings of being in love with someone you've known for a short time and the feelings of love you would have for someone who has been your journeying partner for the past 60 years of your life—the person who has been by your side through thick and thin, who has believed in you and invested in you.

If this is difficult to picture, then, as an analogy, imagine the way it would feel to move into your dream home, full of excitement and thrilling plans for the future (in parallel to the cocaine-rush phase of a relationship). Now, imagine the feelings of love and attachmentyou would have about the same home after making every square inch of the home suited to your personal tastes and filling it with layer upon layer of joyful memories over the course of a full and rich life (in parallel to the tested romanticism phase). The feelings you would have in either case cannot be compared as equals, but I would guess that most of us would cry harder if the home full of memories caught fire.

In some ways, despite my strong criticism of the concept of soul mates, I’m a (grounded) romantic at heart. My book (Marriage, for Equals: The Successful Joint (Ad)Ventures of Well-Educated Couples) and most of my blog posts are essentially about how to find someone with the raw potential to become your soul mate and to create the kind of bond with them that will allow you to become each other’s true soul mate.
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Thank you very much for this post, Ynna. I agree with Dr. Shauna H Springer's view on soulmates. :)
 
Hello to all,

I hope that my post will be in the right thread but if the mods consider it should be somewhere else, please feel free to move it. I used the search function and this is the thread that i thought most suitable for my present experience.

The subject of the 'soul mate' is one that has soilled a lot of ink in many different ways and for an awful long time. Personally, it is something that i had never given much thought to until recently, and i will try and express why. First of all, my life has been blessed with more than a dozen relationships with wonderful women, each of which even many years after our separations are still my good friends. So, in a way, i always felt that people were searching for something probably unattainable, an ideal of perfection that was more that certainly rare, and would only manifest on rare occasions between very special people. The truth of the matter was, that i felt as if each one of these women whom i lived for more than two or three years with harmoniously fit the bill for what i understood to be meant by the terms 'soul mate".

As, i said in my recent reintroduction to the group, in the beginners section, i was in a period of chosen and applied chastity for the past 18 or so years up to a few nights ago. The chastity exercise to me, was a means that i used to prove to myself and to my higher self that i would somehow repent for my past misdeeds towards women, and this although none of the women who i shared my life with ever portrayed me ans the bad guy or an arsehole for badly treating them, On the contrary they are mostly still good friends of mine even though we live on different continents. My decision for going the radical route was manifold when i began this choice of life. So for the past eighteen years i avoided any possibility of having a woman in my intimate life, and regularly asked my higher power to give me a sign when it felt i was changeds enough to have a truly honest relationship with a woman and that then, and only then would i begin the process of searching for a partner.

Very recently, a woman i knew for years and who i began to collaborate with on music and other arts projects, and I fell absolutely heads over heels in love with each other, and truly believe that we are this 'soul mate' for one another for many reasons, too numerous to enumerate here. So yes, i now believe that there is at least one person meant for us, and that the person may or may not already be in your life. But the both of us agree that it is the conjecture of both of our presents that are making this possible for us at this time.
 
I completely agree with Psychologist Shauna H Springer's article. I don't think a relationship just 'happens,' it is made through conscious efforts from both parties.

I have mixed feelings about the idea of 'love at first sight,' because I don't think you can truly 'love' someone without knowing who they are. I wish I could find the article that was once posted on SoTT, it was titled something like, 'You don't fall in love, you rise up to it.'

Honestly, a year ago, my current partner and I were probably the worst people for each other; I mean we had an absolute toxic relationship. Literally we let our programs run our interactions. It wasn't until we both made a conscious decision and put forth the effort to work on ourselves, were we able to foster a healthy relationship. And everyday is a learning experience.

When it comes to our relationship, we talk about everything. We have learned that even the silliest emotions, feelings or ideas can provided a pedestal to expand on a much deeper problem that perhaps, you wouldn't have seen otherwise. (If we're willing to talk about it and explore it of course). And that's one thing we have agreed upon, to be one another's teacher, to be tender but honest: to truly help each other grow. Vulnerability is key.

These interactions are what, to me, facilitates intimacy.

And maybe sometimes you need to step outside of yourself when you're talking about what bothers you. When it comes down to working through something, objectivity is the holy key. That's not to say not express your emotions, it's to say, learn how to express them appropriately, and not to immediately act on them. Just because you're hurting doesn't mean you have to scream and yell at someone.

My point is, everything I have learned with in our relationship I wouldn't have learned other wise. But it's a constant effort, and at first, it was extremely difficult. Sometimes learning to truly trust someone with you're deepest darkest secret, can be one of the hardest things ever, because it requires YOU to be honest with yourself first.

Sometimes we all think we'd make great partners, because we're patience, or this or that, but it isn't until someone starts testing that theory that you soon realize how easily a relationship can turn sour by your own deeds.

Anyway..

Be patient, but do acknowledge your longing. Don't anticipate, the universe always provides! :)
 
Solie said:
I have mixed feelings about the idea of 'love at first sight,' because I don't think you can truly 'love' someone without knowing who they are. I wish I could find the article that was once posted on SoTT, it was titled something like, 'You don't fall in love, you rise up to it.'
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There is this article:
It's not really love: Western culture's misunderstanding of romantic attachment

Not sure if that's the one you refer to, but it talks about similar principles.
 
Mature couples don't "fall in love," they step into it. Love isn't something you fall for; it's something you rise for.
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The above quote is so true it makes the hair raise on the back of my neck!

Also, if I may add something to the previous post I did on this thread, because I was in a rush last night?!

One thing that we both realized while talking about this a few minutes ago, A and I, is that I was full of prejudice towards women, I had somehow imagined that if the person was to be my 'soul mate', in my mind she would have certain qualities, inner and/ or outer... The fact is: NO. i AM A MAN that is totally programmed by my environment to desire a certain type of woman, the proof is that my sons who are of another generation, have been programmed differently.

Also, and this, I think is a very important point for us to remember on this forum, the "right" person will be presented to you by others as someone 'to not trust' (these are just examples), as being 'promiscuous' a 'drug or alcohol user' bla bla, while upon closer inspection the person is none of those things which were related to you by the many 'vectors' focusing on our specific "cases".

Finding this person, and navigating the obstacle course that leads to her, is the most exhilarating treasure hunt I have ever endeavored, and if this person was not the right one, I hurt her so much that she would have run away from the on start. I hurt her, psychologically, emotionally, and she stayed by me. She is not the programmed physical ideal I had 'dreamt of', yet she is my 'soul mate'! And there is no doubt whatsoever in our minds about this! Love to all, and may each one of you find the hidden diamond in the heart of your 'soul mate'...
 
[quote author=Guille]although it seems like my unconscious wants my conscious mind to acknowledge that longing.[/quote]

I think that longing in that kind of way is always suffering. The more you long for it the more you suffer. It’s a self-serving desire unfulfilled. Someone desired to ease your feelings of solitude? Which is always a lack off some desire. But you could turn that unconsciousness suffering into conscious suffering by practicing self-remembering whenever those feelings and thoughts come up.

Having those desires fulfilled may feel good. But being free from those desires ‘feels better’ These experiences are common in our STS environment but I doubt many turn them into lessons or at least not into the potential it can bring. I am not saying that I am free from such feelings or thoughs btw, its all work in progress.


[quote author=Guille]until a suitable one comes into my life, who shares my views and desire for self-improvement, etc.[/quote]

I think its natural if you end up with someone with the same goal of practicing ‘The Work’ At least both will have an understanding that’s its not only about themselves but about both and with that others.
If you could cover each other’s blind spots it should be a match in heaven I think.

This soul-mate thing promotes toxic relationships mostly? Its all about feelings. Nothing mentioned of conscious acts. And love in its essence is a higher state of conscience. Not some chemical cocktail.

Or as Gurdjieff says:

Conscious love evokes the same in response.
Emotional love evokes the opposite.
Physical love depends on type and polarity.

Faith of consciousness is freedom.
Faith of feeling is slavery.
Faith of body is stupidity.

Hope of consciousness is strength.
Hope of feeling is cowardice.
Hope of body is disease.
 
"Currently I'm single, and I'm not upset about it, although it seems like my unconscious wants my conscious mind to acknowledge that longing. "
Been having similar feelings. Thanks for posting your feelings. The feedback on this thread s useful.

I havr this thought that through this work connections can be made that may unfold in ways unimaginable. Let your quest for knowledge bring your soul mate (which i also believe to be a thing that exists)

That thought helps me through thoughts of longing maybe it can be of use to you as well :)

Hope you find what you are longing for. And happy hunting
 
bjorn said:
I think its natural if you end up with someone with the same goal of practicing ‘The Work’ At least both will have an understanding that’s its not only about themselves but about both and with that others.
If you could cover each other’s blind spots it should be a match in heaven I think.

This soul-mate thing promotes toxic relationships mostly? Its all about feelings. Nothing mentioned of conscious acts. And love in its essence is a higher state of conscience. Not some chemical cocktail.
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I really agree on this one, I find this whole soul mate thing that's been promoted mostly in movies to be a toxic way of thinking about relationships. In my experience I was always looking for that "right" person, till I realized I needed to work on my self, and not filling empty wholes with some guy, I was on and off relationships all the time, and always thought that guy was the "perfect" one, and right now that I've been for more than a year single i think that when we work on ourselves we can find people more nicer people to put it in a way that will not dig you deeper into a whole but that will actually help you to be more conscious, and together strive for that conscious and learning helping each other and truthfully caring, not be driven by this chemical cocktail.
 
bjorn said:
Guille]although it seems like my unconscious wants my conscious mind to acknowledge that longing.[/quote] I think that longing in that kind of way is always suffering. The more you long for it the more you suffer. It’s a self-serving desire unfulfilled. Someone desired to ease your feelings of solitude? Which is always a lack off some desire. But you could turn that unconsciousness suffering into conscious suffering by practicing self-remembering whenever those feelings and thoughts come up. Having those desires fulfilled may feel good. But being free from those desires ‘feels better’ These experiences are common in our STS environment but I doubt many turn them into lessons or at least not into the potential it can bring. I am not saying that I am free from such feelings or thoughs btw said:
"Currently I'm single, and I'm not upset about it, although it seems like my unconscious wants my conscious mind to acknowledge that longing. "
Been having similar feelings. Thanks for posting your feelings. The feedback on this thread s useful.

I havr this thought that through this work connections can be made that may unfold in ways unimaginable. Let your quest for knowledge bring your soul mate (which i also believe to be a thing that exists)

That thought helps me through thoughts of longing maybe it can be of use to you as well :)

Hope you find what you are longing for. And happy hunting
Click to expand...

Thanks, I'm not hunting though, maybe more life fishing, and without bait :P Just being patient and working on myself now, because I agree, the work is the way.


I finished reading The Narcissistic Family a couple of days ago and I'm wondering whether something may have happened in my first few years of life that I don't remember, such as my mother leaving alone for extended periods of time or something that made be feel abandoned or longing. I haven't yet asked her about this since I still don't know how to word it in a way that doesn't sound like an attack. It's just a hypothesis based on her personality and her need to have peace and quiet, which I doubt baby me provided. It's the only thing I can think of since I remember having that longing from such a young age :huh:

Solie said:
I completely agree with Psychologist Shauna H Springer's article. I don't think a relationship just 'happens,' it is made through conscious efforts from both parties.

I have mixed feelings about the idea of 'love at first sight,' because I don't think you can truly 'love' someone without knowing who they are. I wish I could find the article that was once posted on SoTT, it was titled something like, 'You don't fall in love, you rise up to it.'

Honestly, a year ago, my current partner and I were probably the worst people for each other; I mean we had an absolute toxic relationship. Literally we let our programs run our interactions. It wasn't until we both made a conscious decision and put forth the effort to work on ourselves, were we able to foster a healthy relationship. And everyday is a learning experience.

When it comes to our relationship, we talk about everything. We have learned that even the silliest emotions, feelings or ideas can provided a pedestal to expand on a much deeper problem that perhaps, you wouldn't have seen otherwise. (If we're willing to talk about it and explore it of course). And that's one thing we have agreed upon, to be one another's teacher, to be tender but honest: to truly help each other grow. Vulnerability is key.

These interactions are what, to me, facilitates intimacy.

And maybe sometimes you need to step outside of yourself when you're talking about what bothers you. When it comes down to working through something, objectivity is the holy key. That's not to say not express your emotions, it's to say, learn how to express them appropriately, and not to immediately act on them. Just because you're hurting doesn't mean you have to scream and yell at someone.

My point is, everything I have learned with in our relationship I wouldn't have learned other wise. But it's a constant effort, and at first, it was extremely difficult. Sometimes learning to truly trust someone with you're deepest darkest secret, can be one of the hardest things ever, because it requires YOU to be honest with yourself first.

Sometimes we all think we'd make great partners, because we're patience, or this or that, but it isn't until someone starts testing that theory that you soon realize how easily a relationship can turn sour by your own deeds.

Anyway..

Be patient, but do acknowledge your longing. Don't anticipate, the universe always provides! :)
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I'm happy that you and your partner were able to turn the toxicity around and transmute it into something nurturing! Thank you for sharing your experience.

I totally agree with this: "Sometimes we all think we'd make great partners, because we're patience, or this or that, but it isn't until someone starts testing that theory that you soon realize how easily a relationship can turn sour by your own deeds." My latest relationship taught me this lesson for sure! I did try to address with my partner that some of her behaviors were probably stemming from a traumatic event in her childhood that she told me about, but she didn't want to seek to resolve it and told me I had to deal with it, which I tried to do, but it backfired and just kept building animosity as I lost patience little by little. When a couple of months passed without any improvement in the situation, and only my patience being on the verge of gone, I started becoming calloused and cold. To use the terminology used in The Narcissistic Family, I was putting up plastic walls (imagine a person wrapped in plastic wrapping) where I didn't want to feel my own pain in the situation, and was unable to empathize.

I think I got the non-anticipation of a partner down, or at least as of now, since I haven't been actively thinking of looking for a partner, nor about how they would be, etc.

Thanks everyone, and good luck with your selves! :)
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[quote author=guille]I liked that Gurdjieff list, thank you. Where did you find it?[/quote]

It was part of his sayings or Aphorism to be precise. Original I found it on the web. I can’t recall which book it was. But Padme signature reminded me of it. Its thanks to her.


I see I made a mistake, I meant to say here:

And love in its essence is a higher state of consciousness. Not some chemical cocktail
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I said conscience.
 
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