Dealing with covert bullying

Arwenn

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Would really like the network's opinion on how to best handle this situation. My son is in Year 8, & goes to the local high school. Last year some boys that decided to give him a hard time because a bunch of girls and guys turned up for his birthday and even though they were invited they chose not to come, they gave him a hard time for the remaining half of the year. There is one 'ring-leader' who I suspect is jealous of my son. His only claim to fame is that he is a good football player. My son was voted school captain in Year 6, is academic, plays guitar, plays soccer and (here's the main thing) is quite comfortable talking to girls (there are a few girls in his year that have older siblings that are friends of my daughter-so he is used to talking to them & being around girls).

The bullying is insidious-by that I mean it's not overt in the physical sense. It's a gang of them that will call him names as he walks past, criticizes his hair, shoes, socks, school bag etc etc Basically just wanting to wear him down, attack his self-confidence. The saddest thing is that 'friends' that were in his group that used to hang out (heck I had these children sleep over, fed them & looked after them for goodnes sake!) went over to the other group and ganged up on him. So now he just hangs out with 2 or 3 boys, and they too at times can be mean. Recently he had started to make friends with some of the followers who happen to be in his music class, and ring-leader saw that and pulled them into line. Now they are being utterly horrible to my son in that class simply because Simon Said So. Jeez, talk about sheep.

I really feel helpless. I know they will just get worse if I go talk to the school. He doesn't have a solid group behind him to feel confidant in confronting the ring-leader. It is also a very small town, and ring leader has older cousins who are also thug-looking footy players, and I'd hate for them to gang up on my boy sometime when he is skating or hanging out with the few friends he does have. These guys are clever in that they present such an innocent face to the teachers, but out of their sight they spread rumors about my son and work to try and twist people against him. And I find kids these days thrive on drama, so long as they are not the object of it all, who cares!

I suggested he ignore it, and for the moment even if he finds that generally some of the kids who he hangs with are immature, to try and dumb himself down emotionally just to fit in. External considering & strategic enclosure and all that. The sad thing is that the boys in this cohort seem to be nastier and more prone to drama and wanting to exclude people, than the girls are. I think if he had a solid group of trustworthy friends, he'd be fine, he could ignore it more easily. He also goes to martial arts class, and I'm hoping that will help build his self confidence too. Thankfully we have a reprieve as school holidays are on.

I'm sure I'm not the only parent going through this. I keep asking myself - what would Putin do? :rolleyes:
 
I'm sorry what's going on, I know exactly how you feel because I was going through the same thing.
I can only say what I did.

When my daughter went to the first grade, she was very withdrawn and shy.
From the first grade, she'd rather hang out with the guys, telling me that her girls mock and ridicule because she had short hair, liked to climb trees, hadn't girlish manners. She got her first period early, she was only 10 years, has become a very physically developed, a girl from the class was called bad names, one of them was - that breast fool.

She came home crying, I was shocked. I went to school, I was talking to her teacher. For a while, everything calmed down, but then came the 5 class.
In Croatia, the fourth grade have only one teacher for all subjects, and all are usually in ground of school. From fifth grade, for each subject, you have one professor, and they are on the second or third floor of the same building.

In fifth grade, girls from the seventh grade they started to make fun of her , pushed down stairs, cursed her ...
One day she came home and told me I had to do something, because that she can no longer tolerate. Please note, that we were constantly talking, I tried to explain to her how to gain more confidence, trained handball, socialized with other children, or a small group of girls she did not let go of their "hands".

I took the hand of my daughter, on the way to school we ran up to the two girls who had been provoked.
I told the girls to come to school with their parents, and that all meet with the school principal.
At the very beginning of the interview, I said that if the school director, school psychologist, and we ,as parents do not find a solution for this problem, I'll look for legal help.(I had their text message on mobile phone and on the computer of my daughter)
Two girls were given a reprimand against exclusion from school, my daughter has never been bullying not physically, not mentally.
 
Arwenn said:
I really feel helpless. I know they will just get worse if I go talk to the school. He doesn't have a solid group behind him to feel confidant in confronting the ring-leader. It is also a very small town, and ring leader has older cousins who are also thug-looking footy players, and I'd hate for them to gang up on my boy sometime when he is skating or hanging out with the few friends he does have. These guys are clever in that they present such an innocent face to the teachers, but out of their sight they spread rumors about my son and work to try and twist people against him. And I find kids these days thrive on drama, so long as they are not the object of it all, who cares!

Well, in today's world, this sort of thing can - and often does - escalate with horrible results. Under similar circumstances, I pulled my son out of school, home-schooled him for awhile, and then sent him to a different school.

Another option is to get the names of the bullies and see an attorney about a restraining order or a lawsuit. Unfortunately, it is sometimes necessary in this day and age. Back in the old days, you would just talk to the other parents and they would handle it, but nowadays, people are so ponerized, that seldom works. Kids are more and more psychopathic and you just can't brush it off as "just being kids" anymore.
 
Hi Arwenn,

Yes, unfortunately, bullying is extremely common - my son went through it, as have many other children I know. The figures for bullying that I have read is something like one in three. Often it does happen to children who are popular, involved in school activities, probably due to jealousy.

For both the child and the parents, it is absolutely gut wrenching to go through, and yes, you are correct that the school is generally useless. In my experience they will usually try to avoid labeling the bully, calling it a conflict so that both children are held to be equally responsible. And usually the bullies will have their friends lined up to back up their lies, so it is truly frustrating to even get the school to acknowledge the problem, let alone do anything about it. However, it is still a good idea to inform the school, as the teachers may pay more attention to what is going on and that your complaint is on the record in case it escalates.

I sure feel your pain, and I know how very difficult this type of situation is. Talking to the parents of the bullies is also pretty useless, they simply won't believe their child is bullying anyone!

There are no easy answers as to what to do, but in the end, we decided to take our son out of the environment completely , and we moved him to a different school where things are going very well. Most of the parents I know in this type of situation ended up doing either that or home schooling, because nothing they, the school or their child could do was able to stop the bullying. A few parents who did stay at the same school have said that the bullying decreased greatly once they were a year or so older.

Bullying today is far worse than any previous time, due to social media making it a 24 hour constant problem. I have seen unbelievably vicious behavior that just breaks your heart to read. It is a really tough time to be a teenager and a parent!
 
Yeah, it's pretty difficult though probably very common situation. For how long he'll have to attend this school? Is putting him into another local school would be an option? Are there any other local schools around?
 
I can exactly relate to your son, Arwenn, because as a girl I had to undergo a similar ordeal which spiked especially in 8th to 9th grade. And I was not the only one in my cohort. This happened back in the Nineties, but school environments seemed to have become much worse since then. Someone told me recently that many young people don't want to become teachers anymore due to this.

And I agree with manitoban, that this behavior often doesn't get labelled as it is: bullying. In my time the common consensus was: ''Kids can be cruel. But in order of not remaining a victim one should stop being so sensitive and learn to fight back.'' Which is shifting the responsibility to the victim, not to the perpetrators where it belongs. Though there is more awareness about sociopathy and psychopathy nowadays, many still deny these phenomenons - especially when it comes to children. They are generally seen as 'sweet and innocent'. And especially psychopathic kids can feign such an impression.

One possibility would be - where I agree with other commenters here - to move your son to another school. Maybe in a neighboring town, where the bullies cannot influence things that much, if possible.

Another tool which I have often seen suggested over the internet would be a so-called "bullying journal". For example, your son would recount every occurrence in a journal, with time and date. What happened and when. It would be for the record, especially if you showed it to others who could give you assistance.

Also, is it possible to get into contact with the parents of the children your son used to hang out with but who have been pulled in line by the ring leader? Maybe these children have some data about the bullies' behavior as well, which could reinforce the experiences of your son.

However, in this case a good strategic enclosure will do well, so that no information would seep through to the bullies.
 
I think in a small town it makes it even harder for you and I feel for you with this extremely trying situation. It is very difficult to know the best course of action so you don't make it any worse for your son. Also when the kids pick on him in class hasn't the tutor noticed or are they all so clever as to hide it? Is it not possible to speak to the school head in private to discuss the situation. You can make them aware first without demanding any action to see if they have any ideas how to handle the bullying.

I would do that and then dependent on their response decide what action to take. Arwenn can I also ask how your son has coped with this emotionally and what effects you have noticed in him since the bullying started?
 
Hi Arwenn,

I am sorry to hear about your son being bullied. :-[

That's no cool in anyway, and such groups are really no healthy manners of gathering, because we can see by your writings what it produces in terms of "raw production": something not really useful, and something not very useful for.... well... anything I guess. :P

If he's a young guy, he's in full discovery of life, with the child looking, and its innocence, and it's terrible to have this treasure affected just because of bad seeds. They don't know better, it's like they have the treasure in themselves stopped, so that they have to expand on others who are not like them.

Then, the unforgettable aspect IMO, is that some are testing the concept of "heartlessness" and "cruelty" on others, so there is no way that this is not dealt appropriately for what it is: they are testing something for themselves, and it's not mathematic; they are just being rude because they have an opportunity.

As a child, I was very shy and suffered the bullies, until one day, I met a guy, who helped me to take advantage of my secrecy, my shyness, because it was like a maturity others did not have. Maybe it was the ability to be more reserved and somehow sensitive.

That guy I met helped me in the way of showing and teaching me that the bully behavior was somehow very basic; until 20, many guys are really "dumb", and will tend to adopt childish and mainstream behaviors. For example, when one bully would embarrass another guy by naming him "little ...", my friend repeated it but in a way that betrayed a childish, non-intelligent, stupid and mechanical low-level action.

Bully:
"You're just a coward"

Helper to the youngsta, in apparte :
"Oh, he found that one all alone by himself?! Whoa! That's some championship stuff."

...this maybe in the sense of "what is the goal".

This would be an attitude where the observer takes its right to take a stance one degree backwards, so that he puts himself in a critical position; because if we stay at the level of the bully, it would only allow us to act in the context that was put with a bully action: direct confrontation, dumbness, emotional reaction. There is a thread on the forum that speaks about how 6th density beings would see any situation from "up there", and the answer is that they would have a different perspective. So, it's maybe useful to reach another perspective, so as not to be stucked dealing in a way we are, first, not used to, and secondly, not willing at to endorse (because this is not us, as we know that we have the intrinsec knowing that we are normal people, and normal people want to solve these things in an intelligent manner).

Alone, this is almost impossible to be done, and it will trigger more problems; but, just for your son to be ok, I mean, he has to stay the same person, and not let anything approach self-unwortyness.

So maybe that an external observer could help in such a manner that he understands that he is going through very low-level minds, and I guess that children can understand this. Inside us, we know what they are doing is wrong, and we wish to get some validation regarding our feeling that these are dumb attitude. But I don't know if this is valid; it's just to have another point of view.

Then, if I understood well, there is a group of them, so it would be difficult maybe, to get rid of the situation. Handling one would be okay by putting him right into his place by showing the discrepancy between what he says, and the reality of it, which is simply inexistant. I mean, there is no excuse and no way to say free insults to any person, as it is like allowing oneself to be really a low-level person at that time.

I wished to convey the idea of reassuring your son that he is not to blame, and that he has to see them for what they are: really immature and mainstream people, and that they have no right to allow themselves to overpass the boundaries, because this is a crucial point, which can be really be pointed out to scientifically.

Please allow me to express my sincere feelings of kindness; as stated in the FOTCM principles,

3. There are systematic methods for the solution of all problems (also art, etc.).

:cool2:

Actually, if I was a 8 year old child, I would love to first get far away from them first. But then we have to deal with situations in a clever way, and a bully is someone basically dumb, using force, and the truth is that the power of the mind will always prevail. We know it, so it is "just" a matter of getting to it.

I wrote this a bit with my guts, so that maybe there are nothing worth, and I really encourage you to consider other people's suggestions. By writing this, I maybe have the intention of trying to say something right, waiting to be corrected by more experienced people. But, as well, I am a natural born to-be-bullied person, and when I found out that the possibility existed to simply get rid of it, and this is factual and objective, I found myself better and more confident, especially with the manifestation of a position of kindness.

I wish you merrier times with your buddy, that this will pass, and that you find the appropriate solution, so that this will be left along the road, allowing your son to focus and grow the best way possible. Courage for the things you will have to do :)
 
Sorry to hear your son is going through that. Unfortunately it is par for the course in modern schools. I've been on both the receiving and giving end as a young teenager and it filled me with a lot of self-esteem issues and regrets.

As others have said, a new school and a fresh start, possibly a break in between, would be good. Once you're pegged as a victim it is very difficult to get out of that dynamic. Does he do any martial arts or any sport or other such activities that would develop confidence? Getting good at sport generally makes you much less of a target for bullying. IMO Anything that helps HIM get through this instead of Mum coming to the rescue is the best option. He needs to develop the attitude that these are just a bunch of weak haters and cowards ganging up on him, and his core self-value doesn't depend on their approval.
 
So sorry Arwenn that your son has to go through this :hug2: You must feel very helpless, and as others have said, it is a terrible thing and especially so in today's age.

Arwenn said:
The bullying is insidious-by that I mean it's not overt in the physical sense. It's a gang of them that will call him names as he walks past, criticizes his hair, shoes, socks, school bag etc etc Basically just wanting to wear him down, attack his self-confidence. The saddest thing is that 'friends' that were in his group that used to hang out (heck I had these children sleep over, fed them & looked after them for goodnes sake!) went over to the other group and ganged up on him. So now he just hangs out with 2 or 3 boys, and they too at times can be mean. Recently he had started to make friends with some of the followers who happen to be in his music class, and ring-leader saw that and pulled them into line. Now they are being utterly horrible to my son in that class simply because Simon Said So. Jeez, talk about sheep.

Unfourtunately, I don't have any practical advice, but what you describe seems like a textbook example of what is talked about in the book "The Empathy Trap: Understanding Antisocial Personalities". There's a sott radio show about it here and I can highly recommend the book. Maybe it can help you and your son to understand the underlying dynamics and provide you some inspiration on how to deal with the situation.

Personally, I have both been bullied on occasions and on other occasions became what in the book is described as an 'apath', i.e. the ones who get sucked into the bullies' games and become accomplices, even just by doing nothing. It's an insidious dynamic... Wish you and your son much strength!
 
Are there any other children that are also receiving similar treatment you know of?

When my daughter was about that age there were a lot of problems being caused by one boy in particular for her and a few of the other kids in her class. We ended up arranging a meeting with the school head for a group of parents to all go at the same time to discuss what was going on (there were five of us there I think) which gave it extra weight. Things did improve, not entirely, but it was something and the staff knew to watch the boy in question after that.

Does the school have a mentoring system, where the kids can go talk with someone older? That might help too, just to have an understanding ear for a few minutes at school when he needs it.
 
I'm really sorry about the abuse your son is experiencing at school Arwenn. I agree with some of the previous commenters. It may be worth consulting a lawyer to see what options you have to strong arm the administration out of apathy and into action. In addition to this it's important that your son document the abuse events. Date, time, occurrences, perpetrators, witnesses, the more the better for persuading authorities.

Additionally, it may also be beneficial for your son to read some of the information available on petty tyrants and stalking, all of which teaches how to deal with unreasonable people in positions of power.

What a sad state. In the nineties the proper way to deal with bullies was to just beat the crap out of them so they wouldn't bug you again. These days parents and police are far more willing to step in and assert their power. In this type of situation you always want to be the first to escalate to authorities. It sounds like your son's rivals are too cowardly to physically bully, so greater finesse is probably needed to bring the administration to its attention.
 
The bullying is insidious-by that I mean it's not overt in the physical sense.

Non physical bullying can result in deep wounds too. The explosion in cyber bullying by social media in particular has beeen quite devastating imo.

I know they will just get worse if I go talk to the school.

Why would it get worse by talking to the school? They should have a written strategy for bullying, and surely need to made aware of this serious situation. As Alada said, perhaps there are other children being bullied too. If so, other parents may feel less 'helpless' knowing they are not isolated.

There is more 'weight' behind a group of course, but even as an individual I would contact the school, with as much documented information as possible, and record absolutely everything. Your son has a right to feel safe at school, emotionally and physically.

After pursuing that route, look at alternatives such as different schools, home education, restraining orders etc.

As parents we have a duty to mitigate such appalling behavior as best we can - but our children will always come across similar forms of attack, in the workplace or relationships etc.

I suggested he ignore it.

So what would you do if you were being bullied now Arwenn?

If children see their parents confront difficult people/situations, that sends out a signal too. I have always made it very clear to my girls (using language they could understand) that:

(a) The world is full of character disturbed individuals, just as there are bullies at school. That is a fact.

(b) Unless they learn how to deal with them, they will invariably attract more of the same, and their personal lessons may become much harder.

(c) Different situations require different strategies, and more information = more options.

Personally, I relay a lot of appropriate general life incidents with my girls, to get their feedback, and we discuss the option taken, and what others were available and possibly may have been better utilized. It makes them think more, which ought to help them when they need to confront someone, which increases their sense of self-worth. Knowledge protects. It's networking within the home environment I guess.

My eldest daughter was of a similar age to your son when she was insidiously bullied by a so-called 'friend'. The school were very supportive. The parents of the bully thought my child was 'just too sensitive' :rolleyes: :headbash:. Anyway, once the teachers became aware of the dynamic and my daughter had a bullying mentor assigned, she began to stick up for herself a lot more. She knew she had loving and supportive people around her and it was the bully that was in the wrong, not her for being a gentle child. That experience, as unpleasant as it was, was probably a beneficial lesson for her.

I really hope it works out for you Arwenn and your son. :hug2:
 
A lot wise stuff have been said, I will add just my 2 cents. I've been dealing with such covert bully troughout my all school years. He would always portraid himself as my friend and it wasn't until high school that I realised what is going on! He was always at the surface this nice, intelligent, talkative guy, but if You would take a closer look to his personality You would find he is empty inside. Emotionally he was 5 years old and he was unable to create some healthy relationship with anybody. In order to hide his disabilities he had to have someone around him that he would mock and smear. Not only that, but he would always "convince" group to do the same. And people did it as they wanted to be in the "cooler" part of the group. When I realised what is going on, I decided that after leaving high school I would cut any ties that I had with him. And I did, and it was one of the greatest decision I ever made, as it trully set me free. As for me, it was valuable lesson, though painful sometimes.
 
whitecoast said:
I'm really sorry about the abuse your son is experiencing at school Arwenn. I agree with some of the previous commenters. It may be worth consulting a lawyer to see what options you have to strong arm the administration out of apathy and into action. In addition to this it's important that your son document the abuse events. Date, time, occurrences, perpetrators, witnesses, the more the better for persuading authorities.

Additionally, it may also be beneficial for your son to read some of the information available on petty tyrants and stalking, all of which teaches how to deal with unreasonable people in positions of power.

Sorry to hear what your son is going through, Arwenn. :hug2: It really makes me angry that this is still so prevalent despite all the attention that bullying has gotten in recent years – but it’s definitely a sign of the continued ponerization of society.

I think that it’s worth talking to someone at the school, because they may have an anti-bullying program; but if they don’t and also if they brush your concerns aside, that will be good ammunition if you need to resort to legal means. And I agree it will be imperative to have as much concrete documentation to provide the lawyers, and that includes all meetings with school officials. I would think that any law firm that decides to work with you will first want to make sure that the school gave you no other options.
 
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