Beau said:
Beau said:
I had another session yesterday afternoon, my 5th, and had a similar experience, except not much anxiety, trying to sleep. I just tossed and turned trying to sleep with really strong racing thoughts. Melatonin seemed to have no effect whatsoever on me. I guess I need to up my melatonin dose (3mg currently) and/or take the GABAcalm with it. The interesting thing is that I've been feeling sharper and clearer mentally when awake. But boy did sleeping just not work. There might be other factors that affected me though, since I've got a cold and took liposomal vitamin C around 8pm which could have energized me.
Let me add that I think there was a lot of processing being done last night. My brain just felt different while trying to sleep. A number of times I woke up, opened my eyes in a pitch black room and saw images for a few seconds. It never seemed like I got into any kind of deep sleep. Just felt like a busy night for my brain.
I've had the same thing where I feel like I'm sleeping very light and like my brain wants to be awake. I had a few similar experiences like this before doing NeoroOptimal when I lowered my dose of anti-histamine for my hives so I just chalked it up to that. The histamine neurotransmitter might still be involved in some way:
Gaby posted this earlier in the thread:
Arousal is mediated by several different neural systems. Wakefulness is regulated by the ARAS, which is composed of projections from five major neurotransmitter systems that originate in the brainstem and form connections extending throughout the cortex; activity within the ARAS is regulated by neurons that release the neurotransmitters acetylcholine, norepinephrine, dopamine, histamine, and serotonin. Activation of these neurons produces an increase in cortical activity and subsequently alertness.
So perhaps this reflects some changes going on in the brainstem.
I've had three more sessions, making this last one today my seventh. I'm feeling a bit more clear in my thinking than I have been but still have ups and downs. I've cut out all caffeine as I think that was part of what was contributing to the blockages in my thinking process (I described it earlier like my mind was moving very slowly, as if through sludge). I used to have an inverse reaction to caffeine (I'd get sleepy after drinking it) but have felt it only once in a while the past couple of years. It seems with the NO that I get very, very cloudy when I drink any type of caffeine. I was hoping it was just coffee, but I've had to cut out tea as well.
The cycle of cloudiness/dissociation vs stronger stability makes sense. As we become more attuned to our bodies, it's very likely that uncomfortable emotions that have been suppressed are trying to surface. A reaction to that can be spaciness. One key, I think, is to try to stay grounded in the body to actually feel whatever comes up.
I've had more imagery during the sessions, particularly the fifth one. There was one bit where it felt like it could have been a memory of a past life. I was a black man working in a field, I think around colonial times. I was arguing with my wife, who had come to talk to me nicely dressed. The feeling of bitterness and resentment toward her was very strong, although I don't know what it was about. I now feel remorseful and upset thinking about it. I think she was trying to make something right and I distorted her good will and intentions.
Here's a possibly interesting thing that may also be related to the sessions. I have a friend at work that I hadn't seen for three or four weeks and was wondering if she's okay. Yesterday, as soon as I arrived at work, I felt happy that I
would see her. It wasn't based on anything; the feeling just popped up. Sure enough later that day I did see her and got to catch up a little.
Also during the fifth session I felt a good deal of tension in my face relax. I felt some of the bigger muscles relax but it also felt like there were tiny micro-muscles relaxing. I often notice that the muscles in my face are tense, mostly in my lips and cheeks. The interesting thing is this effect lasted at least a couple days beyond that session. It reminded me of the section in HDT that discusses how the face is connected with the nervous system:
Healing Developmental Trauma said:
In his groundbreaking work on the autonomic nervous system, Porges emphasizes the phylogenetic emergence of two vagal systems (1) an older circuit originating in the brainstem involved in the defensive strategies of immobilization such as fainting and dissociation, and (2) a newer limbic circuit linking the heart to the face that is involved in both social engagement behaviors and in dampening reactivity in the sympathetic nervous system. These two aspects of the polyvagal system are respectivly referred to as the dorsal vagus system and the ventral vagus, and each supports a different adaptive function.
I don't know if the following interpretation fits with the polyvagal theory, but it would seem that the useful function of the ventral system can be inhibited, perhaps by the ventral system. Tension in the musculature (immobilization) seems to have the ability to block the processing of emotion. The face communicates how your feeling probably better than anything else. So when you 'put on a happy face' or maintain a 'stiff upper lip', you're effectively blocking both the communication of what you're going through and block what you are able to feel as well. This can serve a purpose when you're not in an environment that allows you to wear your heart on your sleeve, but it's not healthy when you always do this. It's good to be able to drop the mask when you are around people you care about and who care about you, which I know I have issues with.
I think one of the major effects from the NeuroOptimal sessions is the grounding it provides, which seems substantially deeper than the grounding as described in Healing Developmental Trauma, mindfulness training, etc. I'm not knocking those techniques as I'm finding them very useful as well. But NF seems to reach deep into 'internal' nervous system regulation. I don't know if this would either be an analogy or an accurate description, but if the nervous system is largely electrical, then it's a bit like this particular type of grounding (or something similar) can provide a completed circuit that allows you to better connect with yourself and more genuine connections with others would also seem to follow.
As infants, it seems one of the first things our bodies begin to 'learn' is how to regulate our nervous systems and I think it would be fair to say that in very early development our parents and particularly our mothers act as a sort of external nervous system. In the early stages nurture seems very important, however, it also seems that we need to begin to learn how to internalize coping strategies, otherwise we may begin to continually rely on said 'external nervous system'. At first this may mostly be the mother, but as we grow, a continued dependency on external sources of stimulation and relief seem to serve as one of the primary functions for STS "feeding". When there isn't a solid 'grounding' force, the energy would seem to connect with whatever is available and from the descriptions in HDT, it seems to be the imagination, or the belief center as the C's describe. One of the things that really struck me when reading Samenow was how 'real' the self image is in terms of the energy put into it. What seems to happen when we don't internalize regulation, the false personality grows as an outlet for external dependency. Since the nervous system isn't grounded internally, it seeks a constant source of both stimulation and soothing through the things and people around us, that is largely (if not entirely) driven by the imagination and belief center. This seems come by way of dependency relationships, fantasy, paranoia, addiction, creating drama, etc.
