Calcium & Vitamin D3 deficiency in my parrot

My condolences, Lilyalic on the loss of your Lui.

I've been reading a book on grief recovery and I noticed the other day the authors also have a book on pet loss. It's called 'The Grief Recovery Handbook for Pet Loss' by Russell Friedman, Cole James and John W. James.

The book of theirs that I'm reading is called 'The Grief Recovery Handbook, The Action Program for Moving Beyond Death, Divorce and Other Losses Including Health, Career, and Faith' and so far what I've read has given me something like renewed hope. I like the structure it provides. Wouldn't say I outright agree with everything they write but still helpful.
:flowers:
 
I feel like I had a sense of responsibility when Lui was here, but now because I have to make my own decisions based on what I want and what I need I feel a little new at it. It's almost as if I just ignore my own needs, or that those thoughts/feelings don't come to the surface but I can hear them in the back ground.

If I'm honest with how I'm feeling, it's still lost and confused. I feel empty, I don't really know what I want in life, or what I want to do day-to-day. I don't know what my passions are, besides the Work - I need more than that. I know I love animals, hiking, nature... and I do all those things but I still feel as though something is missing. I did speak about this a while back with my therapist but I think I left with the wishy-washy idea of "it will come in good time, the Universe will provide me with an answer" but without actually doing anything.

So, at the same time as having all those feelings I'm not necessarily doing anything about it, I feel stuck and part of me doesn't want to do anything about that. I know I've come a long way in the past few years but in all honesty I think a lot of stuff has come back up for me since Lui did die. I did put him first when he got sick, I felt like I put all of my stuff completely aside, maybe more so than I thought. If times were tough, or if I felt depressed (When Lui was here) it didn't matter because I still had to get out of bed and look after something/someone else besides myself. But now if I feel that way, and if I let it, I could stay in bed all day or stare at a wall if I'm feeling down.

I feel as though I've taken a step back in taking care of my own affairs and looking after myself. Perhaps I have a belief or thought that I'm not worth looking after, I'm not worthy of putting myself first - or maybe it's because I still am, sometimes, riddled with guilt over the death of Lui and how it could have been my fault. I think what I'm trying to say, simply, is that I don't know properly how to take care of myself because I feel like I've lost touch, or never had, the ability to know what my needs and wants are.

Your feedback is much appreciated, because I want to see this more clearly and objectively.
 
Hi Lilyalic

Thanks for your post. The place I'm in at the moment, I could have tried to write it myself, but I couldn't have articulated it as well as you did.

Towards the end of my last therapy session, having talked about similar themes, I came to a realisation that what I need to be doing right now is understanding where I am now, and nothing more. It is, after all, all I really have.

During the session, repeated images of sparse maps kept coming to mind... Analogies of being lost at sea, or stranded on a desert island.

I'm floating in the sea. There isn't anything on the 360 degree horizon for me to swim towards. But, if I just stay where I am, then I won't get anywhere. I'll just always be here.

I could start swimming in a certain direction. But I'm already running out of energy from treading water. And the fact is, I could very well be swimming away from the nearest island. I wouldn't know. I can't know.

There's just nothing in the distance. All there is is vast ocean all around, and I can't tread this water forever.

But then, I see myself on a desert island. So, I need to know my environment before I do anything else. Where am I? What are my resources? What is my shelter, my food, my water supply? Is there anyone else here? Will anyone else pass by, close enough to see me?

I just came away from the session feeling like I need to take stock of where I am. I need to look around me. I need to understand what this place is before I can decide whether or not to start moving in a certain direction.

I don't like it. It's intolerable, actually. But I don't seem to have a choice right now. I have to stay here and map it out.

I know this isn't much by way of advice - just wanted you to know you're not alone, and your sharing helped me to tap into how I'm feeling and share it, too.

Thanks.
 
Thank you for sharing Lilyalic. Your description of how you feel resonates with me too - although my own feelings seem to be watered down compared to what you and T.C. described. Whether it’s because my own problems are not as severe or a lifetime of comfortably pretending they’re not there makes them seem less intense - I cannot tell.

Maybe in your case the loss of Lui left an empty space that made those feelings more noticeable than they were before?

Over the past couple of days a flicker of a light at the end of the tunnel appeared: I started reading "Healing Developmental Trauma". I was wondering if you happen to be reading it too?

Here’s an excerpt you may find useful:

Healing Developmental Trauma] A primary need emerges and is satisfied. It recedes into the background and another need emerges; and so the cycle continues. When said:
(…) I need to take stock of where I am. I need to look around me. I need to understand what this place is before I can decide whether or not to start moving in a certain direction.

I don't like it. It's intolerable, actually. But I don't seem to have a choice right now. I have to stay here and map it out. (...)

Yup, these are precisely my thoughts on this.

I attached a photo from the book of a list of the core needs and survival adaptations. I found my own traits on that list so I thought you might find it useful too. :hug2:
 

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I'm really sorry you are struggling with the loss of Lui and with the vacuum in your life that it has created. I know how that feels so you certainly aren't alone.

FWIW, one of the best things I ever did in my life was go back to college and learn a new skill. The constant input of knowledge and having something to work towards gave me purpose and an outlet for my disciplined nature. Having something that I could work towards being good at felt enriching, especially because I could share it with other people.

Now that you have some more free time, perhaps you could use that time to go on a course whether it was full or part time? It's good to be able to go out and connect with other people too.

Big hugs, I hope you're ok :hug2:
 
Thank you very much T.C. & Ant for sharing your similar feelings... It's definitely helpful to know that I'm not alone! I'll be going to see my Therapist soon and get to the basics of not knowing what my needs are etc.. The book you attached Ant is definitely worth purchasing, I have seen it here on the Forum and I'll be getting it soon enough. I can see what you mean by it offering practical solutions.

lainey said:
I'm really sorry you are struggling with the loss of Lui and with the vacuum in your life that it has created. I know how that feels so you certainly aren't alone.

FWIW, one of the best things I ever did in my life was go back to college and learn a new skill. The constant input of knowledge and having something to work towards gave me purpose and an outlet for my disciplined nature. Having something that I could work towards being good at felt enriching, especially because I could share it with other people.

Now that you have some more free time, perhaps you could use that time to go on a course whether it was full or part time? It's good to be able to go out and connect with other people too.

Big hugs, I hope you're ok :hug2:

Thank you for the input Lainey, I've been looking at other hobbies I could participate in - I'm certainly open to different courses if I knew what I would be interested in and could provide part time/ still have a full time job etc.

There's one thing I know I should/ and have wanted to do for a while - go on a hike on my own, without a phone, without anyone else.. I've never actually done that before (may sound silly) but guess I've got to try and start somewhere. I'll talk to my therapist about understanding where I'm at too... lots of food for thought I guess.

Thank you :hug2:
 
Lilyalic said:
There's one thing I know I should/ and have wanted to do for a while - go on a hike on my own, without a phone, without anyone else.. I've never actually done that before (may sound silly) but guess I've got to try and start somewhere. I'll talk to my therapist about understanding where I'm at too... lots of food for thought I guess.

Thank you :hug2:

If you're going off hiking on your own, PLEASE take your phone, even if it's switched off the whole time!
 
T.C. said:
Lilyalic said:
There's one thing I know I should/ and have wanted to do for a while - go on a hike on my own, without a phone, without anyone else.. I've never actually done that before (may sound silly) but guess I've got to try and start somewhere. I'll talk to my therapist about understanding where I'm at too... lots of food for thought I guess.

Thank you :hug2:

If you're going off hiking on your own, PLEASE take your phone, even if it's switched off the whole time!

I am hiking for a long time and the first rule in hiking is to never go alone. Try to have at least one friend with you. If you still decide to go alone, then choose someplace that is not far away, choose a terrain that you know good as your own yard and keep your phone on.
Imagine you are going hiking alone and you hurt your ankle for example, And you are 5-6 km from civilization. It makes a big difference if you have somebody with you in unwanted situations like that.
Then when you go alone you will be probably very quiet and you may surprise some wild animal in the forest and there can also be an unwanted situation.
When you have a company you will probably talk to each other so animals can sense you from far away, and there won't be any surprising and unwanted situations.
Take care :hug2:
 
Konstantin said:
T.C. said:
Lilyalic said:
There's one thing I know I should/ and have wanted to do for a while - go on a hike on my own, without a phone, without anyone else.. I've never actually done that before (may sound silly) but guess I've got to try and start somewhere. I'll talk to my therapist about understanding where I'm at too... lots of food for thought I guess.

Thank you :hug2:

If you're going off hiking on your own, PLEASE take your phone, even if it's switched off the whole time!

I am hiking for a long time and the first rule in hiking is to never go alone. Try to have at least one friend with you. If you still decide to go alone, then choose someplace that is not far away, choose a terrain that you know good as your own yard and keep your phone on.
Imagine you are going hiking alone and you hurt your ankle for example, And you are 5-6 km from civilization. It makes a big difference if you have somebody with you in unwanted situations like that.
Then when you go alone you will be probably very quiet and you may surprise some wild animal in the forest and there can also be an unwanted situation.
When you have a company you will probably talk to each other so animals can sense you from far away, and there won't be any surprising and unwanted situations.
Take care :hug2:

I agree with the above advice. If you do decide to go alone do tell someone what route you will be taking - and stick to it later. If anything bad happens they will be able to call for help more effectively. The worst case scenario is not very likely to happen but hey, nobody is a nobody!

Carrying your phone with you is good advice too. Mine lives on flight mode but it's there in case I happen to get lost during one of my long walks in areas with no people around.

Also, it may be a good idea to have something for self defence, like mace for example. Stray dogs, foxes or other wild animals may not be a very friendly encounter.

:hug:
 
Sorry I didn't mean to alarm anybody, It was just an idea.. I wasn't thinking of going somewhere I wasn't familiar with. I'll make sure to take precautions.

Thank you for your concern :hug2:
 
Lilyalic said:
Sorry I didn't mean to alarm anybody, It was just an idea.. I wasn't thinking of going somewhere I wasn't familiar with. I'll make sure to take precautions.

Thank you for your concern :hug2:
I think I know what you meant though, about going somewhere just to be with yourself; to have time to think without any distractions and to just spend a little time away from the hustle and bustle of city life. Being in nature can be very healing. You could certainly go for a good long walk up a well established path that is likely to have other walkers there too. You take care.
 
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