Rebuilding Respect and Trust

I can also recommend some of Jordan Peterson' s videos where he talks about relationships.

There is this one, for example. There are many more.


10 years is a lot of time and a lot of resentment that accumulated over all those years. Basically, your approach should be that your situation isn't salvageable at all, and just make sure to make it easier for her, because you are striving to be a decent human being (if that is your goal).
 
I'm sorry to hear of your situation CelticWarrior...it really can be a most desperate time. I was told many years ago that for every year with a partner requires a month to move on. I would double that, if not more, so you are still in the early raw days. My instinct tells me that you should not be present when your wife and her parents come. Seeing her in the home again, with the familiarity of her folks and their genuine concern will be a hard encounter and I doubt you will have any opportunity to speak at length or in any depth. Some might say that not being there is not facing up to/addressing the problem, or that the interaction should be painful in order for you to strip away the layers, which is valid of course, but may not be right for you at this time?
At the moment, the only control you have is over yourself, but if you have controlling tendencies, keeping them in check around your wife may be difficult...hence her needing support from her parents?
 
I think a good approach would be to act as happy and carefree as possible. Act in exactly the opposite way to the ways you acted that caused her to leave. I'll presume you were needy, overbearing, argumentative, sullen at times. Act like you are the happiest person in the world, that you are happy for her and for yourself. Show her that you have changed fairly dramatically, but don't overdo it to the point that you appear to be doing it on purpose. That's the best way I can think of to sow a seed of doubt in her mind that she has made the right decision. If that works, then you have something to build on if you get a chance to contact her again. Remember it's a first tiny sowing a seed, don't expect to accomplish much in one meeting. You might even impress her parents enough for them to question her decision. But like I said, don't force it.
 
I'd agree with acting happy and carefree, and to be of help/respectful when she collects some of her things. A broken heart will undoubtedly take time to heal, likely for the both of you. Perhaps as you work on yourself, become independent, be good-hearted and find activities that you enjoy, she may see that the changes you've made are consistent. But I wouldn't anticipate any specific future outcome. FWIW.
 
Our interaction was very pleasant after my wife came to visit with her parents. We spent a couple of hours while playing with my dog, talking about our lives and figuring out what was fair for her to collect. What I wanted most was to enjoy the company of good people that I've known for so long. It made me feel content that I could show confidence and emotional security because it marks real maturity.

After her parents left to attend to some errands I asked my wife if she wanted to stay for a little longer. So, we spent some time catching up talking about work, family etc. It gave me an open window to share some concerns between us since I hadn't actually gotten any real opportunity to talk with her freely and openly for a couple of months.

I will say, she and I are aware of us remaining apart as being a necessary step in healing. There may have been a sowing of a seed to doubt any concrete decision toward an ending but it's far too early to tell. What's important to me is the real growth that takes real time. If my actions and behaviour are of any integrity I can fall asleep with a sense of relief as I take charge of my new destiny.

Before she left we wished each other well over the holidays and finished off with a big hug... and so I feel blessed.
 
I will say, she and I are aware of us remaining apart as being a necessary step in healing. There may have been a sowing of a seed to doubt any concrete decision toward an ending but it's far too early to tell. What's important to me is the real growth that takes real time. If my actions and behaviour are of any integrity I can fall asleep with a sense of relief as I take charge of my new destiny.

Before she left we wished each other well over the holidays and finished off with a big hug... and so I feel blessed.

That is really good to hear Celticwarrior! Taking the time to heal and work on yourself is the first step, real change takes a while. Jordan Peterson's videos on relationships are a great watch- one thing that stands out for me in his content is asking yourself what part did you play in the conflict, what did you do that was so utterly stupid that has contributed to the current state of affairs. I think you're on the right track, and wish you every success :-)
 
You must have handled it really well, CelticWarrior. I'm very glad about these news. The future remains to be seen, but if you continue to do what you have to do, it can only be good whatever shape your relationship takes, with time.
 
Coming to terms... After over 3 months I've given my wife what she wants: to remain separated even if that results in divorce. I wanted at one point in the last few weeks to say something encouraging about us while she finally came over herself on her own for several hours. I can't say part of it didn't result in less than a push behaviour so definitely not a tactic I want to repeat in the near future. But, as far as she was concerned talking was meant as a form of ending our relationship and moving on.

My heart is feeling very broken, shattered into pieces at the thought of her being with someone else. Despite my best efforts to turn set back into set forth by treating things as being unsalvageable (for the most part anyway) I still remain truly lost inside. For me, I can ''let go" of the situation but moving on from such devastation after about ten years doesn't factor in all too well.

Of course I'm mainly steadfast in my desire for balance through better habbits, breath work, meditation, mental discipline, and just plain keeping busy. There is no easy answer, nothing of any real comfort because the obviousness still strikes me through the chest sending chills down to my feet.

I read an incisive article about Jordon Peterson on his view of marriage being that of total commitment and permanence. He remarked something along the lines of... why the hell take vows in front of a bunch of people if it's not to solidify your willingness to say I'm not going to run away... Pre-conceived notions of divorce being a means of freedom makes very little sense. I for one feel much less free to grow after so much has been put in and anyone who tells me I can do better with someone else is full of it - I mean in my everyday life and not here on the forum.

Hopefully my time will be less consumed by this except for now I'm going at a very slow pace. Perhaps time actually will tell.
 
Coming to terms... After over 3 months I've given my wife what she wants:

May I ask a simple question?

Was there any conversation about kids? Ten year long relationship, it must have come up. If it didn't, were you truly friends during the marriage? How did you meet? Why did you see enough in each other to get married, what did the other see in you (and you in them)?

Were there goals on either side that were hidden?

Was this marriage forced or held up only for societal pretenses?

I ask these questions sincerely. I'm sorry you're hurting.
 
My heart is feeling very broken, shattered into pieces at the thought of her being with someone else.

I'm not sure I understand well, here. Is she with someone else already?

I read an incisive article about Jordon Peterson on his view of marriage being that of total commitment and permanence. He remarked something along the lines of... why the hell take vows in front of a bunch of people if it's not to solidify your willingness to say I'm not going to run away... Pre-conceived notions of divorce being a means of freedom makes very little sense. I for one feel much less free to grow after so much has been put in and anyone who tells me I can do better with someone else is full of it - I mean in my everyday life and not here on the forum.

Hopefully my time will be less consumed by this except for now I'm going at a very slow pace. Perhaps time actually will tell.

It is very sad, indeed, and I'm sorry to hear that she wanted to turn the page at the meeting, instead of working things through and questioning her decision. But you cannot force someone else to "not run away" if they have decided to do it anyway. Have you told her at any point that you would like to give the relationship another try? If so, and if she didn't want the same, then letting her go is the best you can do: doing what is asked. It will take time, but it too, shall pass. And there is a lot you can learn from it and after it. If you are still able to be civil to each other, that is more than many broken couples out there have been able to achieve.

Hang in there! It's natural to be hurting, and to require time to process it all. Maybe others will have better advice.
 
I still remain truly lost inside. For me, I can ''let go" of the situation but moving on from such devastation after about ten years doesn't factor in all too well.

Of course I'm mainly steadfast in my desire for balance through better habbits, breath work, meditation, mental discipline, and just plain keeping busy. There is no easy answer, nothing of any real comfort because the obviousness still strikes me through the chest sending chills down to my feet.

Painful, yes. I am sorry as I don't wish that pain on anybody, but there is opportunity here. Can you focus your pain toward resolve to work towards the things mentioned above with dedication? I think you may be pleasantly surprised with the results if you can. But the pain will last as long as the pain will last. :hug2:
 
Let the dust settle. Time will tell you what you needed. Your pain is very fresh and you are emotionally vulnerable now. Respect and accept your wife's decision, even if you feel part of your soul go with it,it`s an attitude of empathy and compassion from a spiritual point of view.
Take your experience to strengthen the "Work", maybe you will find staff to improve.


P.S. Don't listen music that makes you sadder.;-)
 
Painful, yes. I am sorry as I don't wish that pain on anybody, but there is opportunity here. Can you focus your pain toward resolve to work towards the things mentioned above with dedication? I think you may be pleasantly surprised with the results if you can. But the pain will last as long as the pain will last. :hug2:

Good point. I tend to think that pain in it's usual course emphasizes many of the core beliefs we have that have played a part in creating the problems we face. Pain can really bring out our denial, feelings of inadequacy or entitlement, self-righteous anger, control, victimhood and so on. It's like a feedback mechanism so we might finally see the thoughts that have damaged our lives and the lives of others. If we can identify such things and work to remove them from how we relate, then it's like pulling out a foreign object that led to a festering wound. The wound still hurts after the 'foreign object' is removed, but it is not throbbing and so overwhelming. And actual healing can take place. I suspect this is true not only for psychological and emotional pain, but for chronic physical conditions as well.

This is easier said than done! As crazy as it is we seem to have protective barriers around our pain. For one, we're so used to living in our core beliefs that we have a hard time understanding how there is any other way to be. Our mechanical nature maintains these core beliefs as a matter of course. And it's not the easiest thing to see on our own exactly what is destructive in our thinking and what isn't. Journaling about our emotions that come up can help a lot, as can talking/writing to others about what you're going through. The latter is really helpful when we're stuck deep in the muck.

There seems to be some deeper subconscious recognition of our emotional world when we write it out that is different from mulling things around in our head. Just writing things like 'I'm overwhelmed and I can't stand feeling like this' in itself seems to provide some relief - at least that's been my experience. All the more if you dig deeper. What I've found most often is that the deeper I go, the more such things are closely tied to self-based emotions and this is where these foreign objects seem to reside. The point isn't to revel in these emotions but to see how you've utilized them and the impact they've had on your life and others lives, and how you can live differently. It's basically a confession of sorts where you are ruthlessly honest in looking at yourself, your thinking, and behavior.

With that said, perhaps you can look at the following in another light:

I read an incisive article about Jordon Peterson on his view of marriage being that of total commitment and permanence. He remarked something along the lines of... why the hell take vows in front of a bunch of people if it's not to solidify your willingness to say I'm not going to run away... Pre-conceived notions of divorce being a means of freedom makes very little sense. I for one feel much less free to grow after so much has been put in and anyone who tells me I can do better with someone else is full of it - I mean in my everyday life and not here on the forum.

To me this reads as blaming your wife for not staying committed to you, and where she is ultimately responsible for your growth or decline. It also leaves out much context of what JP has said about personal responsibility, relationships, and communication in terms of addressing small things as they come up so they don't end up being colossal issues that lead to an explosion or collapse. It's a pity party, which is pretty much the standard course for unexamined pain. It's easy to blame others, but that's not going to help with your pain. In all likelihood it will make your pain worse as it drives the foreign objects of blame and self-pity deeper.
 
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