Hey all
I've been mulling over sharing this. I had a read through anything relevent on the forum already about what I observed, and the only thing close was this thread The First Victory. Comments on LKJ's "Depression as a Stepping Stone?" http://www.cassiopaea.org/forum/index.php?topic=2832.0 but I will come back to this later.
Last week was my birthday (30 yay!), I noticed some old moods/thought patterns coming back a few days before it, which supprised me.
On previouse birthdays for the last few years (and christmasses) I've felt incredably depressed, even when surrounded by family/friends/loved ones.
It actually seemed to be quite selfish because the associated thoughts that drove the self of depression deeper where always associated with the presents given to me.
Knowing this I was quite supprised to have the old feeling/thoughts come back (an old program running?), so tried to put it to the back of my mind.
Over the days before my birthday I observed that it only showed up mostly when I was tired/alone/night, and that as time went on it intensified. It would fade again but be back with avengence the next day.
I was reaching the point where I could see I was going to react to the program and take it out on someone. This distressed me alot....and made the depression worse.
I decided I needed to work out the mechanics of this or it'd run me. I am reading Unholy Hungers at the moment, and noticed that the 'taking out' of the program on someone else was vampiric. It appeared to be a demand for pitty.
A feeding on pitty. Self importance??
I then realised that if it was a vampiric demand for pitty, the build up was because it was taking my own internal resources through not letting it take others. I was pittying myself...and thus feeding it.
The sence of overwhelming depression then vanished, and turned into an ache in my guts. Interesting.
I resolved to be aware of this in future, and not to accept pitty from others or myself.
Any sence of pitty would indicate the feeding had started again through that method.
A second observation came whilst mulling over sharing this here (I do that alot). I concluded I don't know if its of value as I have still to make my way through allt he books to gurdjieff. I also realised this was a lazy excuse for not doing the work myself. 'If I post this on the forum it may be of use!!' 'Is it of use?' I had to admit I didn't have enough data to know. 'But I've not had time to read the books with the data in'...and thus the lie found. I have the time, I just havn't done it yet.
Also there is an underlying need to please to feel accepted (probably linked to then feeding of pitty)...and possibly other vampiric motives there I can't pin point yet (time to finish that book!)
It was a bit of a wake up call.
Having then read thread linked above, I'd like to ask for some help on this.
Where my observations accurate, or useful (to me or others, especially in relation to depression as the first victory) or was it self calming/distructive? i.e. did they counter a possibility for a first victory.
I'd appretiate feedback on this, and any other observations.
Or if you should say 'go do the work to find your answer' then that would also be valuable feedback.
Thanks
I've been mulling over sharing this. I had a read through anything relevent on the forum already about what I observed, and the only thing close was this thread The First Victory. Comments on LKJ's "Depression as a Stepping Stone?" http://www.cassiopaea.org/forum/index.php?topic=2832.0 but I will come back to this later.
Last week was my birthday (30 yay!), I noticed some old moods/thought patterns coming back a few days before it, which supprised me.
On previouse birthdays for the last few years (and christmasses) I've felt incredably depressed, even when surrounded by family/friends/loved ones.
It actually seemed to be quite selfish because the associated thoughts that drove the self of depression deeper where always associated with the presents given to me.
Knowing this I was quite supprised to have the old feeling/thoughts come back (an old program running?), so tried to put it to the back of my mind.
Over the days before my birthday I observed that it only showed up mostly when I was tired/alone/night, and that as time went on it intensified. It would fade again but be back with avengence the next day.
I was reaching the point where I could see I was going to react to the program and take it out on someone. This distressed me alot....and made the depression worse.
I decided I needed to work out the mechanics of this or it'd run me. I am reading Unholy Hungers at the moment, and noticed that the 'taking out' of the program on someone else was vampiric. It appeared to be a demand for pitty.
A feeding on pitty. Self importance??
I then realised that if it was a vampiric demand for pitty, the build up was because it was taking my own internal resources through not letting it take others. I was pittying myself...and thus feeding it.
The sence of overwhelming depression then vanished, and turned into an ache in my guts. Interesting.
I resolved to be aware of this in future, and not to accept pitty from others or myself.
Any sence of pitty would indicate the feeding had started again through that method.
A second observation came whilst mulling over sharing this here (I do that alot). I concluded I don't know if its of value as I have still to make my way through allt he books to gurdjieff. I also realised this was a lazy excuse for not doing the work myself. 'If I post this on the forum it may be of use!!' 'Is it of use?' I had to admit I didn't have enough data to know. 'But I've not had time to read the books with the data in'...and thus the lie found. I have the time, I just havn't done it yet.
Also there is an underlying need to please to feel accepted (probably linked to then feeding of pitty)...and possibly other vampiric motives there I can't pin point yet (time to finish that book!)
It was a bit of a wake up call.
Having then read thread linked above, I'd like to ask for some help on this.
Where my observations accurate, or useful (to me or others, especially in relation to depression as the first victory) or was it self calming/distructive? i.e. did they counter a possibility for a first victory.
I'd appretiate feedback on this, and any other observations.
Or if you should say 'go do the work to find your answer' then that would also be valuable feedback.
Thanks