Yesterday, Sunday, I had an interesting and also somewhat touching talk with my 14 year old son. I'm going to try to reconstruct it to share it, so I warn you that you are in front of a somewhat lengthy post.
At one point in the afternoon my son came up, sat down next to me, and we started to talk. At first we talked about trivial things, but after a while he asked me this question: "Dad, don't you sometimes feel as if the world was going toshit"... "In what sense do you mean", I asked him. "In everything - he answered - the chaos around us,... it seems as if everything is going to collapse at any moment".
This was not entirely surprising to me, because I have had other touching talks with my children before and my son tends to have a somewhat gloomy view of the future. The point is that I had to respond and I told him simply the truth, that YES, I felt the same way, that we are going through a time of great change and that these can make us feel that way, but then I asked him, "What makes you think this hasn't happened before throughout human history, that this isn't a cycle that repeats every so often with good times and bad times?" (we've talked about this cycle thing before). At that point my son doubled the bet: "Suppose it is, suppose this is a cycle, then what's the purpose of it all, what's the point if the world in the long run is always going to be the same, good times and then bad times, and then the same thing again and the same thing... I mean, the world is never going to get better...". There was some anger contained in his words, but above all there was anguish, real existential anguish.
It was then that I realized that the talk required more attention so I turned off the TV that was making some background noise. After pondering for a few seconds I replied, "What if the purpose of all this had nothing to do with repairing this world, with making this reality we live in better for good... What if this world we live in were simply a medium through which each one of us has the possibility to experience and develop ourselves?" (we have also talked about this before). This is when I asked him to imagine the world as if it were a school. I argued to him that in that case the purpose of this school would not be to change itself to become a park or a paradise beach, the purpose would rather be to remain a school for the students to learn so that eventually, when they have learned all the lessons taught in that school, they can move on to the next school (a university for example). "This is the way I at least understand it...", I ended up telling him. "Ok, let's suppose that's so," he said, "I still say the same thing,.... What's the purpose of it?.... Suppose we finish this school and move on to the next one, and then we finish that one and move on to another one... so until when?... what's the point?"....
He was definitely giving me a hard time, he was slowly approaching to questions for which I have no answers, so I decided to tell him just that: "Look son, I don't have all the answers, in fact I have more questions than answers, but I can tell you how at least I see this whole thing". So I tried to talk to him in simple terms of an infinite consciousness, without time, without space, fragmenting itself to experience itself, and each of these fragments making a journey through various stages of development until it merges again with that consciousness (hells, it was difficult to explain this in simple terms!!! … even more when one barely manages to penetrate this mystery oneself). When I finished my presentation my son said to me: "Ok, all right, but you still didn't answer me for what, what is the purpose of all this. We separate from that great consciousness, and after doing all the journey we return to it... for what?... what happens next?... is there another greater consciousness of which this great consciousness is a fragment, and so on infinitely?
I felt as if someone was telling me: "Check to the king!" ... He was really putting me on the spot because I honestly could not answer that question, I really do not know what is beyond and how the Universe/Cosmos/DCM/(or whatever) works. So that's what I told him: "Son, I can't answer that because I really don't know, but what I can tell you is that, even though I know that there are things that I can't understand and that maybe, at least in this world/plane where I exist now, I can never understand, I will never stop asking myself those questions". Then he asked, "Why ask a question that you know you won't be able to answer?" "Look, I know it sounds silly," I replied, "but sometimes it's more important what provokes the question than the answer itself. I see it as if by asking myself these questions I keep a fire burning..... is it a fire that burns?...yes, does it hurt?...surely, because having questions without answers hurts, it produces anguish, but from my point of view it is good to feel this existential anguish". And I took the opportunity to add: "There is a philosophical current called Existentialism and the thinkers of this current felt this, a deep anguish for having all these unanswered questions in their heads". And then my son said to me: "Then I declare myself an Existentialist from now on". "But be careful - I added - there are two great strands of existentialism. There are those who, faced with these unanswered questions, end up feeling that there is nothing beyond, there is nothing that transcends our understanding and therefore fall into a kind of vacuum in which the only thing that exists is the will of man and that this will is the only thing that shapes reality. And then there are those who, even though they feel that there is possibly no way to answer the great questions and even though this brings them great anguish, sense that there is something intangible, an impenetrable reality, which gives meaning and significance to existence."
At that point my son added with a touch of humor: "So I declare myself an existentialist franquilist (my son's name is Franco/Frank),... I feel the anguish and sometimes I don't want to think about these things, but that doesn't mean I don't think there is something beyond". At that moment I dared to give him some advice: "... my advice would be to never stop asking yourself these questions; I know that this inner fire burns, but at the same time this fire also tempers the spirit...".
At that point the focus of the conversation shifted a little and my son confessed to me: "Sometimes, when I am at school with my friends, I feel that I can't be me, that I can't talk to anyone about these things, that I have to talk nonsense, make or celebrate rude jokes or jokes in bad taste in order to fit in...". As he told me this his eyes watered. And he continued, "Sometimes I feel like I'm losing myself, that if I keep doing those things to fit in with my friends I'm going to stop being me...". Ufff!!!! … It was intense to hear him say that!
I tried to comfort him, to explain to him that I understood him, that I also had to go through that, I was also an teenager and I had the need to be accepted, but that this can be done without losing one's essence, without ceasing to be oneself. Then he added: "I just feel like a hypocrite pretending to be someone I am not". Again I tried to reassure him: "It's true that maybe one is a bit hypocritical, although I would try to see it differently. Hypocrite' is a word with a very strong negative charge... you are a teenager and you shouldn't be so hard on yourself. Do you feel uncomfortable after having participated in a joke that is in bad taste or too rude? Well, that's the voice of your conscience scolding you. Does the scolding hurt? Yes, of course, but it's okay, little by little you will find the balance to be able to continue being yourself and at the same time to be able to continue relating to other people. But don't be so hard on yourself".
Then we talked a little bit about external consideration and how many times you have to consciously hide a little bit what you think out to respect the free will of the others, and that was pretty much all. At that point the pressure felt relieved and it felt like a weight had been lifted off my son's shoulders. We then moved on to a more jovial and relaxed chat.
After the talk I was filled with a bittersweet sensation. On the one hand a feeling of sadness, of pain for experiencing my son's anguish so closely, and on the other hand a feeling of a certain joy because I felt that these "flares" of conscience that afflict my son are essentially good for his development.
Later I began to think about how many emotions/ideas develop within our children (and young people in general) and how everyday life prevents them from finding the right space to express their concerns and prevents us from penetrating their inner world.
Reviewing the talk I also thought about how it is that, being that my son is not every day listening about the war in Ukraine, the WEF agenda, social polarization in the world, violence everywhere, gender agenda, etc., etc, etc,... he can feel so intensely that something is very wrong and that something is about to explode. It is true that I sometimes talk to my children (trying not to scare them) about some of these things, but they seem to live their lives with the concerns and interests of teenagers... Nevertheless they seem to see or perceive much more than one imagines.
Also this whole experience reminded me of the increasing rates of childhood and adolescent depression as well as the increasing suicide rate of very young people. Pain in an adult is supposed to be more acceptable, that is, at least in theory, an adult should have better resources to deal with suffering. But in the case of a child or adolescent who are beginning to build their psyche and understand the world around them, that, leaving aside the usual family problems/traumas they have to deal with, they also have to deal with the weight of a pain... I really wouldn't know what to call it, cosmic???... I don't know, more abstract and intangible, it really hit me.
Well, this is the summary of our talk, I just wanted to share it in case anyone wants to share a similar experience, comment on something or add a thought.
At one point in the afternoon my son came up, sat down next to me, and we started to talk. At first we talked about trivial things, but after a while he asked me this question: "Dad, don't you sometimes feel as if the world was going to
This was not entirely surprising to me, because I have had other touching talks with my children before and my son tends to have a somewhat gloomy view of the future. The point is that I had to respond and I told him simply the truth, that YES, I felt the same way, that we are going through a time of great change and that these can make us feel that way, but then I asked him, "What makes you think this hasn't happened before throughout human history, that this isn't a cycle that repeats every so often with good times and bad times?" (we've talked about this cycle thing before). At that point my son doubled the bet: "Suppose it is, suppose this is a cycle, then what's the purpose of it all, what's the point if the world in the long run is always going to be the same, good times and then bad times, and then the same thing again and the same thing... I mean, the world is never going to get better...". There was some anger contained in his words, but above all there was anguish, real existential anguish.
It was then that I realized that the talk required more attention so I turned off the TV that was making some background noise. After pondering for a few seconds I replied, "What if the purpose of all this had nothing to do with repairing this world, with making this reality we live in better for good... What if this world we live in were simply a medium through which each one of us has the possibility to experience and develop ourselves?" (we have also talked about this before). This is when I asked him to imagine the world as if it were a school. I argued to him that in that case the purpose of this school would not be to change itself to become a park or a paradise beach, the purpose would rather be to remain a school for the students to learn so that eventually, when they have learned all the lessons taught in that school, they can move on to the next school (a university for example). "This is the way I at least understand it...", I ended up telling him. "Ok, let's suppose that's so," he said, "I still say the same thing,.... What's the purpose of it?.... Suppose we finish this school and move on to the next one, and then we finish that one and move on to another one... so until when?... what's the point?"....
He was definitely giving me a hard time, he was slowly approaching to questions for which I have no answers, so I decided to tell him just that: "Look son, I don't have all the answers, in fact I have more questions than answers, but I can tell you how at least I see this whole thing". So I tried to talk to him in simple terms of an infinite consciousness, without time, without space, fragmenting itself to experience itself, and each of these fragments making a journey through various stages of development until it merges again with that consciousness (hells, it was difficult to explain this in simple terms!!! … even more when one barely manages to penetrate this mystery oneself). When I finished my presentation my son said to me: "Ok, all right, but you still didn't answer me for what, what is the purpose of all this. We separate from that great consciousness, and after doing all the journey we return to it... for what?... what happens next?... is there another greater consciousness of which this great consciousness is a fragment, and so on infinitely?
I felt as if someone was telling me: "Check to the king!" ... He was really putting me on the spot because I honestly could not answer that question, I really do not know what is beyond and how the Universe/Cosmos/DCM/(or whatever) works. So that's what I told him: "Son, I can't answer that because I really don't know, but what I can tell you is that, even though I know that there are things that I can't understand and that maybe, at least in this world/plane where I exist now, I can never understand, I will never stop asking myself those questions". Then he asked, "Why ask a question that you know you won't be able to answer?" "Look, I know it sounds silly," I replied, "but sometimes it's more important what provokes the question than the answer itself. I see it as if by asking myself these questions I keep a fire burning..... is it a fire that burns?...yes, does it hurt?...surely, because having questions without answers hurts, it produces anguish, but from my point of view it is good to feel this existential anguish". And I took the opportunity to add: "There is a philosophical current called Existentialism and the thinkers of this current felt this, a deep anguish for having all these unanswered questions in their heads". And then my son said to me: "Then I declare myself an Existentialist from now on". "But be careful - I added - there are two great strands of existentialism. There are those who, faced with these unanswered questions, end up feeling that there is nothing beyond, there is nothing that transcends our understanding and therefore fall into a kind of vacuum in which the only thing that exists is the will of man and that this will is the only thing that shapes reality. And then there are those who, even though they feel that there is possibly no way to answer the great questions and even though this brings them great anguish, sense that there is something intangible, an impenetrable reality, which gives meaning and significance to existence."
At that point my son added with a touch of humor: "So I declare myself an existentialist franquilist (my son's name is Franco/Frank),... I feel the anguish and sometimes I don't want to think about these things, but that doesn't mean I don't think there is something beyond". At that moment I dared to give him some advice: "... my advice would be to never stop asking yourself these questions; I know that this inner fire burns, but at the same time this fire also tempers the spirit...".
At that point the focus of the conversation shifted a little and my son confessed to me: "Sometimes, when I am at school with my friends, I feel that I can't be me, that I can't talk to anyone about these things, that I have to talk nonsense, make or celebrate rude jokes or jokes in bad taste in order to fit in...". As he told me this his eyes watered. And he continued, "Sometimes I feel like I'm losing myself, that if I keep doing those things to fit in with my friends I'm going to stop being me...". Ufff!!!! … It was intense to hear him say that!
I tried to comfort him, to explain to him that I understood him, that I also had to go through that, I was also an teenager and I had the need to be accepted, but that this can be done without losing one's essence, without ceasing to be oneself. Then he added: "I just feel like a hypocrite pretending to be someone I am not". Again I tried to reassure him: "It's true that maybe one is a bit hypocritical, although I would try to see it differently. Hypocrite' is a word with a very strong negative charge... you are a teenager and you shouldn't be so hard on yourself. Do you feel uncomfortable after having participated in a joke that is in bad taste or too rude? Well, that's the voice of your conscience scolding you. Does the scolding hurt? Yes, of course, but it's okay, little by little you will find the balance to be able to continue being yourself and at the same time to be able to continue relating to other people. But don't be so hard on yourself".
Then we talked a little bit about external consideration and how many times you have to consciously hide a little bit what you think out to respect the free will of the others, and that was pretty much all. At that point the pressure felt relieved and it felt like a weight had been lifted off my son's shoulders. We then moved on to a more jovial and relaxed chat.
After the talk I was filled with a bittersweet sensation. On the one hand a feeling of sadness, of pain for experiencing my son's anguish so closely, and on the other hand a feeling of a certain joy because I felt that these "flares" of conscience that afflict my son are essentially good for his development.
Later I began to think about how many emotions/ideas develop within our children (and young people in general) and how everyday life prevents them from finding the right space to express their concerns and prevents us from penetrating their inner world.
Reviewing the talk I also thought about how it is that, being that my son is not every day listening about the war in Ukraine, the WEF agenda, social polarization in the world, violence everywhere, gender agenda, etc., etc, etc,... he can feel so intensely that something is very wrong and that something is about to explode. It is true that I sometimes talk to my children (trying not to scare them) about some of these things, but they seem to live their lives with the concerns and interests of teenagers... Nevertheless they seem to see or perceive much more than one imagines.
Also this whole experience reminded me of the increasing rates of childhood and adolescent depression as well as the increasing suicide rate of very young people. Pain in an adult is supposed to be more acceptable, that is, at least in theory, an adult should have better resources to deal with suffering. But in the case of a child or adolescent who are beginning to build their psyche and understand the world around them, that, leaving aside the usual family problems/traumas they have to deal with, they also have to deal with the weight of a pain... I really wouldn't know what to call it, cosmic???... I don't know, more abstract and intangible, it really hit me.
Well, this is the summary of our talk, I just wanted to share it in case anyone wants to share a similar experience, comment on something or add a thought.