Back to Work...Family troubles...Advice needed...

Revolucionar

Padawan Learner
Recently I found myself in a situation where I was told that I was not objective after relating an incident that had occurred in my immediate surroundings. So as a consequence, I acted under the assumption (some people call it a working hypothesis:-)) that I was completely wrong about what I thought I had observed. Somehow, it took away the sting of the situation and I could act more spontaneously, keeping in mind that my own emotions had led me astray and giving the other party the benefit of the doubt. It truly made a difference, OSIT.
I guess that's the assumption under which we should constantly function, or less. At least in the sense that we are in danger of being deceived by our own inner "I"s all of the time. The larger the emotional reaction, the bigger the danger.
BTW, what does this OSIT mean? I keep seeing it and can't even find it on Google or anywhere.
 

Revolucionar

Padawan Learner
This I found interesting. It's as if the thread would act as a mediator for you. If he is lurking or has an account, do you think he would see your post as a genuine seeking of advice, or would he be angry that you've aired the rift to others? Do you think that you used the post as a prompt for him to get in contact? Or as a way of explaining yourself to him via a third party? You seem so reluctant to get in touch with him, I am wondering what you are scared of? I suppose whilst you don't speak, you can pretend that your relationship is just rocky, but if you do speak, maybe the relationship will end for good and you'd rather delay that?
Regarding the text telling him he has become an Uncle (congratulations by the way!)...maybe he felt very put out that you didn't phone? You really only recieved back the effort you invested on that one, imo. I agree with others, make contact, email, phone, letter and be absolutely honest...there's a lot of wasted energy happening and your own family could probably use that energy just now.
Yeah, I'll be doing it today. About the text, I thought that too, but the message I got back was so droll. And at that point I hadn't had the energy to call, after not really sleeping in 48 hours, o longer.
 

stellar

Dagobah Resident
FOTCM Member
This I found interesting. It's as if the thread would act as a mediator for you.
Oh, I overlooked that bit in the initial post! Smells a little manipulative, for sure. Disappointed at myself for not picking up on it and at Revolucionar for being so sneaky to have us potentially do his work for him. I think that should have been revealed first, not last as an aside.
 

aragorn

The Living Force
FOTCM Member
After a few beers we got to the topic of my new job and this nutritionist. So I told them about some of the stuff he was saying and my brother disagreed, violently. We got onto talk of what the ancients ate, and we disagreed. He went ballistic and I couldn't get him to calm down, so we all started to get dressed, paid for our drinks and left. This was going on for another five minutes until we decided to part ways. After this it was never the same. I think he felt I was talking down to him, but he knows me and this reaction was very new. As I said, we were a network and we should have been able to work through it. I have noticed, though, that he was starting to become unhinged when a bit tipsy even a year or two before that. At my wedding party, we started talking about this film I saw, "Trumbo", about the communist screenplay writer who was shut down by the "witch hunt" and had to work as a ghostwriter. It was a good film and, even though I despise communism, it was scary what they did to these people. He went ballistic and almost left the party. We managed to calm him down only because it was a wedding (there were only like 8 people there in a bar - we didn't have a proper wedding, God forbid).
Since it sounds like you've read Gurdjieff, I'd suggest you reread the things he says about external consideration and how we should communicate with those who are not interested in 'the Work'. And, how we should not try to impose things on others, how we should respect their free will. It sounds like one of the issues he might have with you is that you've given him the appearance of being smarter than him. And, now you want to make things right between you. But that isn't going to work until you change your own attitude. I'd say that if you want to improve things, you need to put yourself in his shoes, and try to figure out how he might be feeling...and make a strong effort in acting in a externally considerate way, so that he feels comfortable in your exchange. There's no free lunch...you need to make a 'super effort'.
 

lainey

The Living Force
FOTCM Member
After reading this thread, it looks like you have dropped by to ask us how to reach out to your brother in a way that will get him to react the way that you want so that you can have your relationship with him back.
You seem to be getting on board with realising how internally considerate that is. I'd like to bring up another aspect:
I'd ask yourself if that relationship is even something you need? He ruined your wedding party, spat the dummy when he didn't get what he wanted out of the property deal, and acted like a childish brat when met with opinions he didn't like. Not someone I'd want around.
 

flashgordonv

Jedi Council Member
FOTCM Member
Yeah, I'll be doing it today. About the text, I thought that too, but the message I got back was so droll. And at that point I hadn't had the energy to call, after not really sleeping in 48 hours, o longer.
The text was so droll. How do you know it was meant to be droll? After all, it was a text. Emails and texts can be easily misinterpreted which ois why emojis have become so influential. Are you reading too much into it.
 

Revolucionar

Padawan Learner
Called him on Saturday. Well, at least I get the picture now. It's sort of a mish-mash of all the different possibilities everyone put forth. I probably will never see him again. I managed to keep myself in check during the conversation, not "letting him have it" when he said stuff that didn't correspond to reality at all. I'm now absolutely sure that his partner fed his ego and internal consideration to the point where he just decided to excise everything and everyone that didn't go downstream with his views. Now he's only left with her. I feel really bad that I wasn't in a better state of being back then to be able to counter this and reduce any effect that, at the very least, I had on the entire situation.
That's that. Thanks everyone for your help and consideration.
 

Revolucionar

Padawan Learner
And, posting here where there's every chance he might read it and see how you really feel about his wife even though there is no evidence that she is involved? Sheesh.
Yeah, I know. At some point I decided to put it all out there here. There is very small chance that he'll come across this anyway, and I felt that was an important part of the puzzle. I'm now certain that she's at the centre of this whole affair. There's nothing I, or anyone else can do, though.
 

Gruchaa

Jedi
I managed to keep myself in check during the conversation, not "letting him have it" when he said stuff that didn't correspond to reality at all. I'm now absolutely sure that his partner fed his ego and internal consideration to the point where he just decided to excise everything and everyone that didn't go downstream with his views.
We cannot help you with such report of the conversation. Why do you think that you are better at „saying about What corresponds with the reality”? You would need to at least write about What you talked about if you want some insights I suppose. And Why are you concluding that it’s his gitlfriend fault?
 

Revolucionar

Padawan Learner
We cannot help you with such report of the conversation. Why do you think that you are better at „saying about What corresponds with the reality”? You would need to at least write about What you talked about if you want some insights I suppose. And Why are you concluding that it’s his gitlfriend fault?
I just wanted to give an update. I'm not asking for any more input. Should have made that clear, I guess.
To explain everything I gleaned from our conversation would take way too much time, no one would want to read it and I don't think it would serve any purpose, so....
Thanks for your help, Gruchaa
 

Stella Marys

Padawan Learner
With family problems I have learned that each person involved has their share of responsibility.

To make a sincere observation of oneself and to accept the freedom of the other is fundamental for that knot to be unraveled and to continue advancing.

I understand the sadness that comes from not seeing your brother, I have a brother who formed his family and we have not seen each other for 4 years.

I don't know my niece personally. I have gone through pain, repulsion for his partner (I thought that separated him from our family).

Today I accept his way of life, he is independent and free to do what he thinks is convenient.

Sometimes we talk a little or we write a text message, sometimes it does not respond but I took charge of my emotions that this subject generated in my interior.

I love my brother and that is what is important because for now what can be given is superficial. I learned to accept his free will and not want it to be different just because I want to see him to feel happy.

That would be selfish of me. It is equivalent to moulding the world into my form and this is contrary to love.

He's not going to stop being my brother and the love I feel for him is intact, everyone has their reasons for walking away and it's a great lesson to accept others' choices about ourselves.

This is the hardest part, because you have to be humble enough to accept that someone doesn't like you.

I have also lived the other side of this coin, and I have had to distance myself from family members who, from my perspective, are "toxic" because I can be "toxic" to someone else. That's the dynamic friends. This is a relative issue.

Sometimes giving the "because" can be negative and causes more inconvenience. They may feel overwhelmed by our insistence.

Sincerity and respect really favor the terrain of the lesson to be learned.

Greetings and I hope you have a good learning of this lesson.🙂

Translated with www.DeepL.com/Translator







Con los problemas familiares he aprendido que cada persona involucrada tiene su cuota de responsabilidad.

Hacer una observación sincera de uno mismo y aceptar la libertad del otro es fundamental para que se desenrede ese nudo y seguir avanzando.

Entiendo la tristeza que genera no ver a su hermano, tengo un hermano que formó su familia y no nos vemos desde hace 4 años.

No conozco a mi sobrina personalmente. He pasado por sentir dolor, repulsión por su compañera (pensaba que lo separó de nuestra familia)

En la actualidad acepto su camino de vida, es independiente y libre de hacer lo que él crea que es conveniente.

A veces hablamos un poco o nos escribimos algún mensaje de texto, a veces no responde pero me hice cargo de mis emociones que este tema generaba en mi interior.

Quiero a mi hermano y eso es lo importante ya que por ahora lo que puede darse es superficial. Aprendí a aceptar su libre albedrío y no querer que sea diferente solo porque yo quiero verlo para sentirme feliz.

Esto sería egoísta de mi parte. Es equivalente a moldear el mundo a mi forma y esto es contrario al amor.

El no va a dejar de ser mi hermano y el cariño que siento por él está intacto.Cada uno tiene sus razones para alejarse y es una gran lección aceptar las elecciones de los demás con respecto a nosotros mismos.

Esta es la parte más dura, ya que hay que tener la humildad suficiente para aceptar que alguien no guste de nosotros.

También he vivido la otra cara de esta moneda, y he tenido que poner distancia de familiares digamos que, desde mi perspectiva, son"tóxicos", ya que yo puedo ser "tóxica" para alguien más. Así es la dinámica amigos. Es relativo este asunto.

A veces dar los "porque" puede resultar negativo y genera más inconvenientes. Se pueden sentir abrumados por nuestra insistencia.

La sinceridad y el respeto realmente favorecen el terreno de la lección que haya que ser aprendida.

Saludos y deseo que tengas buen aprendizaje de esta lección.
 
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