Competing Demands and the Unscratchable Itch

[Jebra]

I am so grateful to this forum. There are so many subjects discussed here and so much research done. I have learnt so much and it has helped me so much. Thank you all! But I always feel a bit reluctant to post anything as I don’t want to make any noise and feel I cannot really contribute to anything. I’m not an expert on anything and I struggle a lot to understand some of the deep subjects being discussed or the science explained. I guess I feel rather inadequate here.

The thing is I have a problem. It's like an itch which I can’t scratch. You see it’s not enough for me to read something and accept the conclusions I feel the need to reach those conclusions myself. It’s not enough to read that Christ was Julius Caesar I must know for myself. I need to know for myself! This however requires a lot of research and reflection. My life simply doesn’t allow it and I’m stuck in this enormous conflict with myself because I don’t know where to start and I don’t have the time to start and yet I feel this overwhelming pull….

I have 2 kids and it’s not easy being a mum as the mums on this forum all know! I seem to spend my time at home being followed about by a small child who constantly wants something or wants to play and a slightly bigger child who likes to go into a long monologue about dinosaurs, fish, Minecraft, or Lego that can go on for anything up to 30 minutes or more (he’s autistic). Then there’s a constant stream of housework and shopping and washing to do. It’s fine I tell myself, I’ll do what I was doing later and I put what I was doing down and…never get back to it!

You see I spent most of last 2 years telling myself ‘I’ll do it later’ I’ll read these Mary Balogh books later, I’ll do EE later, I’ll clean up my terrible diet tomorrow and then suddenly I realise time has moved on and I’ve not done anything. It’s actually really painful to realise this. Yes, my kids are happy (people comment on how happy they are!) the housework is mostly up to date (for now!) and the pile of washing is sorted until the weekend, but the time to read more than a few paragraphs of a book on my book pile is so limited I’m only left with the hour or so before bed. It’s not a lot of time to do much and being so tired I don’t absorb much when I read.

I’ve tried waking up earlier (but my daughter always seems to always wake up the moment I step outside my bedroom door) and I’ve tried the whole ‘mummy wants a bit of time to do this…’ but my son doesn’t understand and will follow me about the house. It’s hard. Added to this is my husband who has been losing his hearing over the years and is now mostly deaf, he’s working from home now and he also follows me about the house as he wants to know where I am. He also thinks it’s funny to creep up on me while I’m working and frighten me. I cannot seem to relax at home.

I’m overwhelmed by housework and kids to be honest. My husband sadly has no interest whatsoever with the house, car or garden and I struggle to do what I can. The house looks run down, things are broken or breaking. To get him to anything is a challenge as he gets all passive aggressive and sulks or blames me and makes me feel guilty if I try to get him to do even the smallest thing. I cook the meals and then have all the washing up to do too. I feel an odd paralysis due to the constant fear I’ll be interrupted, and I’m demoralised by the constant stopping of what I’m doing. In the end nothing is done due to fear I’ll never get it done. And then there is this itch I cannot scratch…this need to know for myself.

Having said all of this (oh God it’s huge!) Is there any advice? As everything spirals slowly into chaos how can I reconcile the demands in my life with this need to know? Or is it all too late now?

I’m really not sure whether I should post this! I feel terrible nerves with each post I make on this forum (which is why I don’t contribute much) and will probably spend the rest of the day regretting it and worrying I have made noise. It’s silly having this inner conflict with each post on the forum, but I’ve spent most of my life being told to shut up and be quiet and I’ve no-one really to talk to get this off my chest. Typing it has helped I guess, though I will worry it won’t make a lot of sense! What can be done? Does anyone have any advice? Or prayers!!

 

[brandon]

Hey Jebra.. Sorry to hear you're so overwhelmed at the moment.

I feel an odd paralysis due to the constant fear I’ll be interrupted, and I’m demoralised by the constant stopping of what I’m doing.

Ohh I know just how you feel, I get the same thing.. My situation is not the same as yours but shares some elements.. I'm a full-time carer and do almost all the cooking & cleaning etc for our house... I don't have anyone literally following me around, but do have constant demands for my time (not as much as you do though), usually starting the minute I get up, and my interruption-free time is generally only late at night. Well there are little gaps here and there throughout the day, but it's difficult to get very far with any projects when you're always going to be called away in a few minutes..there is a sort of paralysis with that yeah..

I've had years-long stretches where I just gave up on trying to get any of my own stuff done. I try to get into a mental place where I can work consistently on my things in those little bits of free time, putting it down and picking it back up again whenever I must... but haven't yet been super successful at that.

I don't really have any advice, but here are some things I think:

I always think, well, there are millions of people in similar, or even much more extreme, situations, and plenty of them manage to get stuff done. Like parents of young children (You're a mum obviously, but I have no kids, so this is what I tell myself).. How do they do it? I don't know, but I want to be like them. Patience and perseverance I guess..

Also, I don't think it's too late. Things may seem static for awhile, but will always change eventually.. Who knows how any of our situations will change and develop in the future! Your kids will grow up and become independent.. You and your husband will grow and change.. One day my mum (the person I look after) will die..

And I think, I chose to be here, both consciously and, I believe, at some other level.. What I'm experiencing is teaching me what I need to learn.. So when I get overwhelmed I try to remember that, and think that I'm not any more important than anyone else.... so try to put all of myself into my carer duty, and be as present as I can, and just don't worry about the other things I want to be doing.. Things cycle round, and other times will come..

I guess all I'm trying to say is, don't panic! Have patience (it sounds like you have a lot!) and hang in there..

I try to deprogram myself from using the word "interruption" in this context, even in my thoughts, because it makes it sound like an unfair thing which is being done to me, enhances feelings of self-pity.

Your post wasn't noise.. As I understand it this kinda thing is one of the purposes of this forum (especially 'The Swamp' section).. It's fine and normal to need to vent sometimes :)

He also thinks it’s funny to creep up on me while I’m working and frighten me.

Hmm, I used to do this to my sister when we were kids.. I don't know why, just a young male thing maybe..I'd hide around corners and jump out and scare her, and thought it was funny.. Then I did it a few times to my partner, in my early 20s. And she hated it.. It took me awhile to understand that she did NOT find it funny. I had thought it was amusing "play" for both of us.. At first I didn't know HOW to listen to her, or realise that I wasn't listening to her. When she'd get mad about that kind of thing, I didn't take her seriously, thought she was having just as much fun as I. But eventually it sunk in that oh, I was actually upsetting her... I was a bit shocked and felt really bad, and gradually changed out of that kind of behaviour.. But even to this day, I sometimes have problems like that, eg I'm interested in spooky stuff like ghosts/aliens/possession etc.. But she finds it really scary and doesn't want to hear about it.. Sometimes I find myself telling her about an interesting (to me) thing I read, and she'll say "no, nope.." and at first I think she's joking. Then after a bit I realise she's serious and it's actually upsetting her, and that I should have contained myself..

So, probably not very useful advice, but my thought is, maybe your husband is like me and he really doesn't (can't?) understand that he's frightening you.. I don't know how you can help him realise it though... Maybe post more details here about how you and he interact, on those occasions, if you want to?

(and about his non-housework-doing ways, sorry to hear it... lots of men I know seem like that, but my own family isn't so I don't really know how to deal with it)

Dunno if any of this is helpful at all but those were my thoughts so far...

 

[axj]

Hi Jebra, it seems that regular meditation could help where you can relax and connect with your physical, emotional and mental and release or breathe out whatever is up.

Some of the most important parts of the Work are done during the day when we are busy with something else, eg. staying present in the here and now in the body. This Self-Remembering gives a different kind of quality of experience and can also give more balance in each moment.

In some ways, it is about setting priorities and keep coming back to doing what you know on a deep level is most important for you.

 

[Olivierlejardinier]

I’m really not sure whether I should post this! I feel terrible nerves with each post I make on this forum (which is why I don’t contribute much) and will probably spend the rest of the day regretting it and worrying I have made noise. It’s silly having this inner conflict with each post on the forum, but I’ve spent most of my life being told to shut up and be quiet and I’ve no-one really to talk to get this off my chest. Typing it has helped I guess, though I will worry it won’t make a lot of sense! What can be done? Does anyone have any advice? Or prayers!!

Hi, as an autistic person I sure can understand what you're feeling, I feel you may need some grounding (as I read in another thread
Brain cancer ), there are many ways to achieve this (garden, barefoot walk, devices...).
Please trust and have faith, share what you're confortable to share and you will help the network to grow!

 

[fifty_five]

.....I feel an odd paralysis due to the constant fear I’ll be interrupted, and I’m demoralised by the constant stopping of what I’m doing. In the end nothing is done due to fear I’ll never get it done. And then there is this itch I cannot scratch…

they need you alive. so they can't stop your breathing. two cents for one thing you can do immediately and get your own room 24 hours a day: breathe properly, slowly from the belly, tongue attached to the palate.This alone can quiet the mental and emotional aspect, which is a good requirement to start identifying and processing the program.

 

[BHelmet]

Wow - great honest post! Beautiful... You do need to take care of yourself - it is not a sin. Take a deep breath and exhale. Engage in something you love that feeds your soul, even if you can only do it briefly. If you can't set the boundaries to have any solitude, just do it anyway and I bet those kids will figure it out. It sounds like you feel you know you are headed for a brick wall and want to avoid that by reaching out! So, yeah - Take one thing you really love, even if it is not on your current to-do list; something that brings you back to who you are. Something that heals you. It could be anything - a mundane hobby, music, yoga. Just one little thing and do it and see what happens. This world does not need any more martyrs. Heck - invite the kids to join you (if it is EE or yoga or knitting or playing a kazoo or whatever).

One of my kids was a high voltage motor-mouth dinosaur/lego expert. He may have been autistic, but back then, it wasn't really a thing yet. We just thought "He's really intense." He is fine now. Anyway I would do yoga and he'd ask about it while I did it and I would tell him and he would try to imitate me. Or when I had had it I would play the guitar. Who knows. Sometimes kids/people just need to know they are not being excluded and then when you invite them in they lose interest and go their own way. I guess I am saying, if you start your autonomy time with the others present, it actually will amplify the benefit?

I could imagine Gurdjieff doing something like that. "Today instead of self-remembering, you are going to meditate with two children tugging at your apron and a messy house, and you are going to stop doing anything and everything for 3 minutes. That is all I ask. You are not going to speak or respond to anything in any way unless it is absolutely life-threatening. Tomorrow for 4 minutes and so on..."

Anywho, for sure, somehow, you need to carve out a little strategic enclosure for yourself at this time. Or so it sounds.

 

[MatiaS]

I would second BHelmets response above to somehow force your personal needs to overlap with the needs of those in your care. The burning desire for truth is something I think we all share here on the forum, but the personal inclination of how we go about that process and how we live it varies a lot I think.

What I'm trying to say, still echoing the suggestion of BHelmet, is that you identify those things that make you really tick, in tandem with the process of discovery of truth, and somehow brute force - within healthy limits of course - some personal time into your life. Maybe it can involve scheduling some 'daddy-time' for the children, be it only an hour a week to start with, but the point being to kind of put your foot down and take the time you need for yourself.

Hope this isn't too vague and at least can give you some food for thought.

 

[Jebra]

Thankyou all for your kind replies. It's hard to structure what to say with so many interruptions (it's the weekend and the kids are excited) but I'll try.. i hope this makes sense!

I am a bit sporadic with doing EE I try to do the POS every day, but some days I'm lazy and I don't do the pipe breathing as often as I should. I made the mistake of doing the Baha portion every day when I first did EE and spent all my time on the verge of tears wondering why. The really good thing about the EE thread being so long is that others have gone and jumped in like I did and had the same results! (And I was breathing too forcefully and hyperventilating as others had done too - I got dizzy alot in the beginning). I'll try to be more regular with the pipe breathing and POS it does help reduce my anxiety levels.

(and about his non-housework-doing ways, sorry to hear it... lots of men I know seem like that, but my own family isn't so I don't really know how to deal with it)

My dad has always helped my mum with housework stuff and I grew up thinking it was normal for mum to do the cooking and dad the washing up, but my husbands family does nothing like that. My husband's father sits on the sofa watching TV and gets waited on basically. (That said he spends alot of time in their beautful garden and allotment and he's got a real love of making and fixing things he's a DIY god really!) When they visited my mum and dad over Christmas one year they found dad washing up after dinner and couldn't understand why he was doing it. Different strokes for different folks I guess, but it is a bit annoying I can't get the hubby to help more and he has no desire to do stuff in the garden or fix all the breaking stuff about our house and he could learn so much from his own dad but has no desire to.

What I'm trying to say, still echoing the suggestion of BHelmet, is that you identify those things that make you really tick, in tandem with the process of discovery of truth, and somehow brute force - within healthy limits of course - some personal time into your life. Maybe it can involve scheduling some 'daddy-time' for the children, be it only an hour a week to start with, but the point being to kind of put your foot down and take the time you need for yourself.

Yes I do need to do this. I know I'm doing too much and there needs to be a balance. I'll have a think and see what I can do. Getting the husband off the sofa when he's not working is probably the hard part.

I've had years-long stretches where I just gave up on trying to get any of my own stuff done. I try to get into a mental place where I can work consistently on my things in those little bits of free time, putting it down and picking it back up again whenever I must... but haven't yet been super successful at that.

I've been doing this since my son was born (he'll be 10 in October). I find myself looking back on the past decade with alot of regrets as I could have done so much, but I put the family ahead of myself (which is what you've done with your mum too) nothing wrong of course, but it's getting that delicate balance and knowing what to do in the precious little time we have that would be the most help. That's the super big struggle.

Thankyou all this does help alot! People are so wrapped up with their problems I can't talk to anyone I know so being able to share them here is a relief.

 

[Tuatha de Danaan]

Wow Jebra a perfect example of where life overtakes us all in various ways. On reading your post I picked up on the fact that you were taking care of 3 people and not a situation where two adults should be working together to raise their kids.

Just a suggestion as you say your husband is now practically deaf. Why not write him a letter expressing all the sentiments you mentioned in your post. If you cannot express them verbally write them down for him so he can see what you are going through. He has got to understand you are in a partnership but you both have lost your way through, maybe, a lack of communication.

Your treading water and it's wearing you down. I honestly think you owe it to yourself to involve your husband in this matter.

 

[Wandering Star]

The C's say that there are about 7 billion people who could be "portals" to make an "attack".

So your personal situation is surely something familiar or recognizable to many people.

I'm not saying it's your case, but that's a way to stop someone's "progress".

On the other hand, there is the law of three..., which "action" on our part is more in line with the good. Surely you have already "studied" the possibility of other paths for you, but these paths may be detrimental to the people in your charge, or the indeterminate variables that they may suffer are not desirable for you.

We have every right in the world (of creation) to defend ourselves and "act" for our own destiny... and how to differentiate that from a selfish action. Very difficult.

As for the time to dedicate to study, you can evaluate the "times" lost or "wait" and they can be profitable.

Smartphones do almost anything and all information can be accessed on them.

15 minutes in line at the fish market, as many in the butcher's, in the checkout line at the supermarket, time at home in the bathroom... At the end of the day it is a good amount of time that you will enjoy reading and meditating.

My best wishes and that everything improves in your life.

 

[Jebra]

Smartphones do almost anything and all information can be accessed on them.

15 minutes in line at the fish market, as many in the butcher's, in the checkout line at the supermarket, time at home in the bathroom... At the end of the day it is a good amount of time that you will enjoy reading and meditating.

That is very true! Thankyou for that. I'm a bit hesitant to use a smartphone as the hubby is on his constantly and I saw the change in the students at work when the smartphone came out (it gets a bit frightening watching all these people wandering around staring at something in their hand!). But yes it could be used for some good too. Thankyou!

 

[cassandra]

The C's say that there are about 7 billion people who could be "portals" to make an "attack".

So your personal situation is surely something familiar or recognizable to many people.

I'm not saying it's your case, but that's a way to stop someone's "progress".

On the other hand, there is the law of three..., which "action" on our part is more in line with the good. Surely you have already "studied" the possibility of other paths for you, but these paths may be detrimental to the people in your charge, or the indeterminate variables that they may suffer are not desirable for you.

We have every right in the world (of creation) to defend ourselves and "act" for our own destiny... and how to differentiate that from a selfish action. Very difficult.

As for the time to dedicate to study, you can evaluate the "times" lost or "wait" and they can be profitable.

Smartphones do almost anything and all information can be accessed on them.

15 minutes in line at the fish market, as many in the butcher's, in the checkout line at the supermarket, time at home in the bathroom... At the end of the day it is a good amount of time that you will enjoy reading and meditating.

My best wishes and that everything improves in your life.

My sympathies, Jebra! Please forgive my very short response here, as I don't have time to write a longer one. When my children were smaller, as first a lurker, then a member of this forum, I felt very much how you did. Just a couple of things sprang to mind:

I often listen to podcasts or read articles on my phone when standing in a long queue, going shopping, on walks. I find it a big help.

I would often take my kids to a playground, often accompanied by their friends, and managed to keep an eye on them whilst reading. They also joined some clubs or sport activities, so I had time to read then. I think I managed to get quite a bit of reading, listening, etc., but I certainly had difficulties keeping up with recommended reading, etc., on the forum, and felt unsatisfied with my learning progress.

Also I also wasn't up to reading anything tooo clever. I was also overwhelmed by the shear amount of threads, which all looked fascinating or important. I ended up skimming the information way too much, because I found it hard to stick to just a few topics - I didn't want to miss out on anything - , so my 'knowledge' was, at best, superficial and less complete as a result. I still have work to do in this area. And now, since things have especially hotted up during the last couple of years, you must feel the 'burn to learn' all the more

Also, this plandemic has been super stressful for kids and parents!! Perhaps your children understandably feel anxious, have been isolated from vital social contact (friends, grandparents, other family member), and scared by the propaganda. And the
parents had to deal with the chaos and fear all by themselves. It must have been quite dreadful. Have the become clingier during the last couple of years?

Anyway, just a couple of thoughts and I hope your situation can be improved.

 

[Expedition26]

I don’t have any advice, just wanted to say I can sympathize as I am a SAHM too. You’re not alone in the feeling that nothing ever gets done and you never have time for yourself…but maybe those are just part of our lessons for the time being. So, when we are able to squeeze in a workout/EE session/reading a chapter/a deep clean - maybe that’s enough. I’ve given up on striving for perfection in anything, it just makes me neurotic.

 

[Mark7]

Before enlightenment:
Chop wood, carry water.

After enlightenment:
Chop wood, carry water.

 

[pinkfreud]

Hi, Jebra-
I can sympathize very much with your current situation (though I only have one child, she took all attention until just the past couple of years.)
One small bit I can offer: A few years ago, I went through the EE dvd. I am the cook, the cleaner, the mom, the animal tender, and until 2020 I worked 50-58 hours a week as a production supervisor for a very needy company and crew. It felt like non-stop interruption of my actions, my thoughts, and even my breathing. I couldn’t read more than a short story or part of an article in one sitting. I couldn’t do yoga without my kiddo climbing on me like a monkey or starting an in-depth conversation. Etc.

But one thing I thought to do, and something which helped me get “centered” throughout the day, was pipe breath.

I noticed at work I was starting to sigh loudly as people approached me (very embarrassing realization. Oh, what a martyr was I!)

So, when I would get that urge to sigh, or when I would feel a wave of “I am overwhelmed” come on, I would initiate pipe breath for just a few rounds. I learned that if I put my mind to it, I could practice pipe breath while someone was explaining the next problem, or while my kiddo was unloading a tantrum, or whatever. It doesn’t seem like much, but if you get overwhelmed on a regular basis and remember to pipe breathe each time, then -voila!- you have a regular practice

Please do not give up - it is never too late. And even those who have fewer demands and more time can only begin through small and persistent actions.

My daughter is now 11, and I do not regret the time I devoted to her, in all its forms. The Work is done there. And now that she is more self-reliant, she is interested in th Work herself, and it is something she understands, respects, and honors time for.

I realize you are in a different situation, with 2 children and one who may require extra attention anyway. But things will improve.
You can begin to carve out your space and time by choosing your moments. As many have said, being present without guilt or expectation about what you “should be doing” is actually the most fulfilling way to experience how to be

Thank you for sharing your story, and please know that you are strong, you are capable, and you are not alone!