External Consideration turns into Internal Consideration

[Menna]

Does this happen to anyone else. If I repeatedly do something for someone and I don't feel that there is an effort being made or enough of an effort on their part I get a feeling of resentment. I know the word enough is subjective how can I tell how much effort is truly being made by another person. I know the feeling of resentment is an unnecessary feeling and is of no use. and not feeling that there is being effort made is a judgment but I cant escape the fact that I know this is wrong but it still affects me and turns into resentment. Any suggestions on how to get past this.

I can feel when this emotion develops in me and I am good at letting the lower self fester in my head and not in my actions for the most part but if its in my head then I know a small part is in my actions as well.

 

[anart]

Does this happen to anyone else.

Of course.

If I repeatedly do something for someone and I don't feel that there is an effort being made or enough of an effort on their part I get a feeling of resentment. I know the word enough is subjective how can I tell how much effort is truly being made by another person. I know the feeling of resentment is an unnecessary feeling and is of no use. and not feeling that there is being effort made is a judgment but I cant escape the fact that I know this is wrong but it still affects me and turns into resentment. Any suggestions on how to get past this.

I can feel when this emotion develops in me and I am good at letting the lower self fester in my head and not in my actions for the most part but if its in my head then I know a small part is in my actions as well.

The fact that you have noticed it, that you've become aware of it, is very important. Now that you notice it, you probably notice the shift in your own thinking from 'for them(whatever them might be)' to 'I'. In other words, your thinking, whether generally or specifically, likely shifts from "this will help, I'll do this, let me do, I'll take care of, no problem I got it, leave it to me... etc. " to "I'm doing so much, he/she isn't doing anything, why am I doing more, I'm being taken advantage of, I'm the only one doing..., sure wish they'd help" sort of thoughts.

It is a very common thing. We, as we are in sleep, try to do for others, only finding ourselves resenting it when we don't get something back - recognition, simple acknowledgment, a balancing of the work load, anything at all (this 'anything' usually being an illusion of pay off). This really means that we were never really doing it for others at all. It was always about us.

This is the real-time definition (for me) of what Gurdjieff meant by his thought that happiness is defined by external consideration always and internal consideration never (paraphrased). As long as we keep our point of view firmly based in external consideration (which makes life easier for others AND for us), things move smoothly. This resentment cannot surface because we remember why we are doing what we are doing - it's not about 'us'. The moment we shift that to internal consideration (where our concerns take center stage, if only passively) we are tossed against the rocks.

If I recall correctly, Ark even mentioned this in his writings in the 1960s, stating that a man must pay attention to his own efforts, to pay attention to the efforts of others is not only a distraction, it is worse (someone has this quote as a signature here, so I'm sure they'll chime in on the details).

To put it very simply, this is your life. All that really matters - all you really have 'control' over - are your own efforts. If you can achieve a state where you make those efforts for the effort's sake - to learn - to do what 'it' does not like, to be what others around you in the current moment are not, simply because it is before you to do and others are not doing it - THEN - you can gain something permanent from it, because it is not serving your false personality. By this I mean that it is not serving that transient aspect of yourself that spends most of its time dissatisfied with this or that or the other.

IF, on the other hand, you do things always looking back, always glancing left and right to see if it is noticed, to see if others are doing the same, to see how it reflects on you, then all of that is a drain of energy and focus. ALL of that is internal consideration since at all times, your real center of focus is yourself reflected off of the surface of those around you. In other words, it feeds your self-importance to do these things and a lack of acknowledgment scratches that self-importance, thus the resentment. It can be a very subtle thing.

Often - simply doing what needs to be done and more than that - just because it needs to be done (disinterested efforts) - can take us a very long way because we learn through that to take ourselves out of the equation. If we do things expecting something from someone else, then it's really our own fault if we don't 'get' what we expected - since it was always, really, about us anyway. I hope that makes some sort of sense - apologies for running on a bit - I hope I've not confused the issue. As always - for what it's worth...

 

[aragorn]

Does this happen to anyone else. If I repeatedly do something for someone and I don't feel that there is an effort being made or enough of an effort on their part I get a feeling of resentment.

Just some suggestions, but could it be that you are trying to:

- Help someone who isn't asking for it, you wanting to "change" that person
- Help someone so that you could feel good and/or be a hero
- The other part is a manipulative person who is using you

Added: I agree with anart, I think that as it should be with love, also helping others should be unconditional.

 

[Menna]

Thinking about doing because it is my life and I am doing this really helps me. Thanks. I believe that there is also a line you have to draw when you need time and to do things for yourself as well I guess this comes back to knowing thy self. I just realized the bad taste in my head the resentment feeling left and knew that my external consideration was turing into internal consideration. By doing because you are doing and not because you expect anything is key. I feel having an expectation of anything is selfish and stops you from seeing the truth. Life doesn't care about what one person expects. I know the resentment feeling might pop back in here and there but that is just another I that is coming from the lower self. I recognize most of them, they are annoying and stop me from being as happy as I can be.

 

[Alada]

It is a very common thing. We, as we are in sleep, try to do for others, only finding ourselves resenting it when we don't get something back - recognition, simple acknowledgment, a balancing of the work load, anything at all (this 'anything' usually being an illusion of pay off). This really means that we were never really doing it for others at all. It was always about us.

Exactly

This is the real-time definition (for me) of what Gurdjieff meant by his thought that happiness is defined by external consideration always and internal consideration never (paraphrased). As long as we keep our point of view firmly based in external consideration (which makes life easier for others AND for us), things move smoothly. This resentment cannot surface because we remember why we are doing what we are doing - it's not about 'us'. The moment we shift that to internal consideration (where our concerns take center stage, if only passively) we are tossed against the rocks.

When I internally consider, when I resent someone because they didn't acknowledge me, then, I have fallen asleep. And, while I slumber, I completely forget that the person being resented most probably is also fully asleep!

You're looking form a mechanical part of yourself here and letting it get upset by the mechanical actions of others!

Who has the responsibility for your happiness here?!

 

[Laura]

Basically, when you have these feelings, you are experiencing the false personality. The false personality is the the part of you that is programmed to feed and feels like a failure whenever it meets with difficulty or disappointment of its expectations. You can (hopefully) understand these things intellectually and from a distance when not under its influence, but what you really need is to learn how to snap out of it when it grabs you and exerts control. In short, how do you snap yourself out of these feelings? How do you even recognize this false personality when it is in control since you are likely believing that it is the real you, you are so identified within it?

What you need to do is stalk your own predatory nature. This has been a topic in our house on a number of occasions because we pretty much practice what we teach and finding ways to do it so as to best advise others is a regular topic of discussion and experimentation. What the guys here have come up with can be outlined as follows.

You see, the false personality doesn't see itself as false. When it is in control, it seems to think that at last the REAL personality is in control.

So, you need to stalk the false personality.

Think of it this way: if it was a predator in the jungle that jumps on you from behind, you'd have a really difficult time dealing with it. You'd just thrash about and generally lose your cool. That IS pretty much what happens when these impure emotions - internal considering - take hold.

However, if you know the predator is there in the jungle and you intentionally stalk it and draw it out under controlled conditions, you are able to see it, to face it, and deal with it in a completely different way.

Same goes with the false personality.

Try doing things that are contrary to the way IT does things, when it isn't in control. Make plans to do things with specific conditions that INCLUDE not being thanked, appreciated, considered, reciprocated, etc. Eventually, it will try to rebel, which means it has to come out of hiding...but you'll be waiting for it, you'll be expecting it. At first, it probably will still get control over you. You can't expect to bag a tiger your first time out. But you will be in a better position to regain yourself and analyze what it felt like when the predator got the upper hand.

All of this means learning how you, in your higher self, acts, then acting like that even if you don't really feel it. Especially if you don't really feel it, because the more it makes you feel like a fool, the more it will bother the false personality and draw it out of hiding.

Specifically, regarding looking for reciprocation for things you do, you can utilize certain stalking techniques. You can do things for others trying to make sure that NO ONE CAN reciprocate. That is, do things anonymously, hit and run do-gooderism, where you are gone BEFORE anyone can acknowledge you or thank you.

The part of you that demands reciprocation will certainly get agitated by doing this. But you will know it is coming and can be read for it, watch it, analyze it. And certainly, you will suffer. Some part of you will be screaming "why are you doing this? You need gratitude, you need reciprocation! You need others to know you exist! and so on.

As one of the guys here who has been practicing this form of stalking has written:

I've learned a lot about that part of myself by stalking it in this way...and it's getting easier and easier to face it. The best part is, getting to know that part of myself is helping me develop compassion for that part of myself, too. Developing compassion for that part of myself means also developing compassion for it in others.

 

[RedFox]

Thanks for sharing that Laura, that's complete genius. The idea of stalking the internal predator fills me with excitement!

If I recall correctly, Ark even mentioned this in his writings in the 1960s, stating that a man must pay attention to his own efforts, to pay attention to the efforts of others is not only a distraction, it is worse (someone has this quote as a signature here, so I'm sure they'll chime in on the details).

Do not spend your life in a sleep.
Do not lose your way in the labyrinth.
And die as it befits a man.
One must not look at others. At those that do nothing.
Laziness is contagious. One can get infected with it, without knowing, and the therapy is difficult.

One must not look at others. At those who do nothing. Because afterwards there is only a pity. And one becomes angry at yourself. Ark - February 1967

 

[Woodsman]

This thread has some very succinct and well-formed thinking on this subject.

The only thing I'd add, (and Anart did include it in a glancing manner by wording it thusly, "because it needs to be done"), is I think it is important to not give unconditionally. I'm not sure unconditional giving is wise in 3rd Density.

For instance. . , I'm not going to help an oil company recklessly endanger a region if I am asked to. Likewise, I'll not waste my energy jumping to every whim of a selfish person who has learned how to play the perpetual victim, -when I could be using that energy to do something more constructive for others. Seeing people use others in a black-hole kind of way fills me with moments of anger, and I use that anger as a kind of duty compass to decide how and where to best share my resources. That anger, I should note, is 'flavored' differently than the internal resentment I experience when my ego is complaining about not being honored to its liking.

So I observe the behavior of the people I am engaged with to see if they are adding to the health and welfare of a community, (or at least not harming it), or if they are actively bleeding it with no intention of ever willingly sharing their own wealth of resources. Thus I find myself trying to be very conditional in the giving of myself only to those who are also giving. This does not mean I won't ever help those who are problem people; everybody is a problem person to some degree and I think the whole lesson of giving and taking is learned through practical application and demonstration. That's 3rd density. But I do have cut-off points, and I have had to learn the difficult skill of saying, "No" when it is appropriate to do so.

It's a subtle point of semantics, but I did want to point it out.

 

[ScioAgapeOmnis]

I agree that giving should certainly be conditional, but return to the giver shouldn't be one of the conditions. Important conditions may include things like whether the gift is actually helpful, whether it is Asked for, whether the receiver wastes the gift (don't cast pearls before swine), or uses it for self-destruction or control/manipulation of others, etc. So certainly lots of very important conditions must be considered for there to be a true value and reason to give, but "what's in it for me" (emotionally, intellectually, physically, egoistically, whatever) should not be one of the considerations. And I love Laura's suggested approach of triggering our predator intentionally in controlled circumstances. I suppose one could call that a "controlled demolition" of the false personality :)

 

[Gertrudes]

I also agree that giving should be conditional and, as others have said, conditional being a totally independent reality from expecting return. The degree of conditioning being evaluated in each situation, a few good pointers given here:

Important conditions may include things like whether the gift is actually helpful, whether it is Asked for, whether the receiver wastes the gift (don't cast pearls before swine), or uses it for self-destruction or control/manipulation of others, etc.

But when we do give, then the act of giving should be refined to its purest essence, no strings attached, no expectations from an act that hides getting, under a mask of giving. Otherwise, it is just another form of clever manipulation.
And I agree with Woodsman in that refining this "art" of giving and receiving takes much and continuous practice.

Another cause of resentment for giving could be a hidden feeling of sensing that your are being exploited, but not totally aware of it on a conscious level. It often happens when one has loose inner boundaries and/or interacts with abusive people.
Resentment can therefore also be a sign of the stockpiling of unacknowledged wake up call attempts from a deeper and more knowledgeable part of ourselves, that knows that is being abused.
Personally I have often experienced that in the past as I tended to have very loose inner boundaries. It is better now though :)

 

[Laura]

Deliberately putting yourself in situations where you know you tend to get "baroque and morose" and have what could be called "selfish internal reactions" can be very growth inducing if it is done with awareness and some control and determination to act differently than you have before even if the predator is screaming inside. You know, the old saying: "if you keep doing what you've always done, you'll keep getting what you've always got."

One situation that I'm sure happens to many people is being in a group where people are talking about something and you just want to add your two cents, tell your story, shine in the group because YOUR story/experience is so much better and more dramatic than that other guy's...

Well, how about if you deliberately did NOT do that? How would that make you feel? You know your story is better, you know you could be getting some attention by telling it, but instead, you deliberately and consciously refrain and tell the other guy "what an amazing experience!" and let him have the attention and glory.

How many of you can do it?

What about when your child is telling you something and you know you want to correct them, you know you want to advise them, (or your partner or anybody) and instead, you just listen and share in their experience. That is, you GIVE of yourself by listening and being in the other person's shoes.

All kinds of emotions can arise and there can be an argument in your head that "this time my story or advice REALLY needs to be spoken!" Can you resist that?

 

[Eongar]

In ISOTM Gurdjieff says:

"Sincerity, honesty, are actually something completely different. The usually called "sincerity" is simply a refusal to refrain. In the depths of himself every man should know. Of so that each while attempting not to lose his sincerity, he lies to himself same.

"The opposite of internal consideration -the external consideration- is in part a means of combating it. External consideration
is based on a kind of relationship with people who are totally different internal consideration. Is adapted to people, understanding
and their requirements. When considering the outside, a man does everything necessary to make life easier for yourself and others. The
external account needs a knowledge of men, a understanding of their tastes, habits and prejudices. At the same
time, the external consideration requires a great power over himself, a great self-control. It happens very often that a man wishes to sincerely
express or show someone one way or another what he really thinks of he or she feels about him. If it is weak, naturally gives way to his desire,
after which he justified by saying he did not want to lie, I did not want pretending he wanted to be honest. Then he convinces himself that the fault
was another. I really wanted to consider and even was willing to yield, I did not want disputes, etc ... But the other refused to consider it, so there was no
nothing to do with it. It often happens that a man begins with a blessing and ends with an injury. Decides not to consider others and
After the censure by not considering it. This example shows how degenerates into account external considering interior. But if a man
it actually reminds himself, understands that the other is as machine and him. So will the other's. In doing so, it will become really able to understand what the other thinks and feels. If you can behave well, your job becomes much easier for him. But if
about a man with his own needs, do not get but a new internal consideration."

The laziness of human beings is one of the things that leads to destruction. Living in comfort, in this context, is to live in auto-complacency. If one looks the same discomfort you can work really.

"Make" what is not-really want to do is the false personality that "does not" "Make"- and, in short, have a rod to measure yourself, recognizing the craftiness of the false personality, all with In order to reach the Essence.

(PS:translated from Spanish. I wish I could express myself better in English. )

 

[Al Today]

All kinds of emotions can arise and there can be an argument in your head that "this time my story or advice REALLY needs to be spoken!" Can you resist that?

In regards to being a parent. What if by not offering advice, harm would come to that child. Are we supposed to differentiate between situations, or really stand back and do not offer advice. Just listen and remain mute.

Also in general, I don't know if I could say nothing and see physical harm come to someone.
Yes. This is difficult to wrap my brain around. Given awarness of their free will, I just do not, or cannot know what I would do.

 

[anart]

All kinds of emotions can arise and there can be an argument in your head that "this time my story or advice REALLY needs to be spoken!" Can you resist that?

In regards to being a parent. What if by not offering advice, harm would come to that child. Are we supposed to differentiate between situations, or really stand back and do not offer advice. Just listen and remain mute.

Also in general, I don't know if I could say nothing and see physical harm come to someone.
Yes. This is difficult to wrap my brain around. Given awarness of their free will, I just do not, or cannot know what I would do.

Al, please remember the Law of Three - there is good, there is evil and there is the specific situation that determines which is which. Laura is NOT saying to not advise one's child. Laura is giving an example of a situation (depending on the situation) where one could practice not allowing the false personality to do what it wants to do. Can you see the difference?

 

[Al Today]

Laura is NOT saying to not advise one's child. Laura is giving an example of a situation (depending on the situation) where one could practice not allowing the false personality to do what it wants to do. Can you see the difference?

Yes. I allowed "myself" to read the words, see only the literal words and misunderstood what was being communicated. Taking the communication out of context, without seeing that this was as you've stated anart, an example of a given situation. Apparently, I've done this all my life. Just now a light bulb clicked on this moment and am quite frankly perplexed over this "discovery". I guess/think that this is a reading comprehension issue. Inother words, talking without thinking. THANKS.