j0da
Jedi Council Member
Okay, so how do I begin... Above excerpt pretty sums me up. Me and my life. I've read the book over a month ago, but still remember the shock of seeing myself in the mirror of Golomb's book. I let it sink, meanwhile trying "to pull myself up by my own boot straps", in which endeavour I have failed inevitably.Elan Golomb said:A life devoid of motivation.
Nick's waking life also has the quality of a dream. He is somewhat detached from reality. Often he does not work but lies in bed watching TV, getting up only to go into the kitchen to make a pot of spaghetti, which is the eaten with the requisite quarter stick of butter. Nick rarely eats anything else. He is overweight.
Nick turns away from commonplace necessities, laughs off monetary problems, and borrows money from his friends He often forgets to return the money but is so generous with his time and energy that his friends let his debts slide. Nick postpones and delays all decisions.
He is procrastinating his way through life. He has no sexual or love relationship and has not had either for a long time. A relationship would take too much effort. Too much would be expected of him.
He leads a life devoid of options. He can see things happening only one way. There are overtones of fatalism and defeat. As long as Nick can lie snugged in his bed, he is safe. He has the rosy cheeks and wide-open eyes of an infant, one without a care in the world. Nick has never grown up, although he is aproaching forty. Adulthood could be too dangerous. He is irresponsible child who has let the bills accumulate and binges on ice cream and spaghetti drenched in butter. Fortunately, he is talented architect and when work comes to him - he never looks for it - he will do a fine job. He is not a self-starter, but once the engine is turned on, he can work. He learned to be a compulsive and meticulous worker from his father, who demanded that he give his all. First he repaired his father's boat and car and the began to think about design.
But Nick derives no pleasure from his work nor from life itself. Architecture is what he is doing until he figures what he "wnats to do" with his life. Other people might be overjoyed to have such a skill, but Nick is fully capable of wasting it. He says that talent is not compulsion. "Why should I be compelled to do something that I don't enjoy because I'm good at it?" Nick's life indicates that he is not commited to anything.
The only thing that Nick respects is friendship. He is a true friend to other people, although not to himself. He will paint his friends' apartments, schlepp their furniture, even offer free architectural advice since "it's not worth anything anyway." He also listens freely to problems and offers sound advice. He gives away much of his time and energy, and when he works he undercharges. He gives little to himself in the way of pleasure, except food. He stymies all his own wishes. If anything interesting is happening in the world outside, something that appeals to his friends, he generally walks away from it.
Nick has always walked out on life. This started in kindergarden when he strolled away from class because "it didn't inrerest me". Years later, he walked out of his architecture class in the middle of his final year, thereby managing not to get a degree. An architect can function without degree. People learn of Nick's ability and call on him to work for them. But being without a degree or license has left him handicapped, since others have to sign his work. He is eligible for the licensing exam since architecture is a field where experience can be substituted for classwork. But Nick does not take the exam. He rationalizes self-castration by saying "The exam and degree are not important" and "I don't know what I want to do" and "I don't care." His most characteristic comment is, "I think I'll stay put." This is given in response to any suggestion that he shift gears, whether to have fun, expand his talent, meet new people, or leave the shelter of his home.
(...)
One irony of Nick's situation is that he acquired so many of his father's narcissistic traits. Nick's mixture of attitudes is found in many children of narcissists. He can be submissive, rebellious, or controlling. He fluctates between his parents' roles: his submissive and victimized mother, his critical and domineering father. These roles coexist with his compassion for people. Neither parent role is acceptable. He victimizes himself by supressing all activity. He is a crushing tyrant who will not allow his life to progress, cannot have a lover or a wife, cannot enjoy his work, will not seek out adventure. He is unable to shed his baby fat and wallowas in self-imposed misery."
source: "Trapped in the mirror" Elan Golomb, Ph.D
I've had this peculiar "method" to overcome my own inertia, which can be described as "saving myslef by emergency mode". Usually, I was aware that nothing short of imminent danger was capable to propel me into action - be it earning money, dealing with formalities of everyday life, whatever. This method seemed to carry me over many storms, but only when I took a really good look at my situation I concluded I am not living life at all. This is an existence of a slug, not of a human being. Taking my "performance" under consideration one may suppose I won't be seeing any "4D action" in a long long time (and god knows I've had enough of these silly combustion engines and solid walls I cannot walk through).
Every time I saw Laura's signature - "When a man knows he is to be hanged in a fortnight it concentrates his mind wonderfully. Samuel Johnson" - I was baffled. On one hand, it sounded so true, on the other hand - it didn't seem to apply to me. Gosh, I wanted to say this for a long time, but only now it seemed appropriate to mention it.
Funny thing this forum rank is - "j0da, Jedi General". It fooled me long enough. I've turned thirty few days ago and had some time to recapitulate what I have achieved so far. True, I made some progress, I've read some books, I've understood few things, I've even managed to become somewhat smart, but in the end - glibness isn't going to take me any further. My presence here consisted of so much talking, but not much doing.
I tried to do, but I have failed. There was this initiative to create ponerology video, and everyone did his part. I haven't. I was deluding myself that "next day", "tomorrow", "this weekend" I would sit, do my job and finally "enjoy warm acclaim of my fellow forumites for I DID something for the group". But it just doesn't happen. I am ashamed of it. It took a lot of..I don't know..stubbornness..to come here, read, even post from time to time, knowing deep inside that I have failed in doing what I declared I would do. I just didn't feel I deserved being a forum member anymore, but tried to "hang on one minute longer" before delving into oblivion and running far away from here.
Initially I thought about this post as a starting point for discussion on our failures in professional lives, prompted by recent SAO's thread, but couldn't make it without telling what's on my chest first. Sheeesh, well, maybe it still is a good place to have an exchange on our failures, but I cannot help asking personal question - what now??