Feeling evil and self pityful - A search for shocks.

[Mahael859]

The Barcelona Conference made aware of few things that I think I'm carrying with me since long time.

I tough would be the best to share those feelings here since most of them are blocking me from interacting with the forum,hope I'm not going to make you loose time and energy:

I avoided, during the pauses of the conference to interact with anyone, feeling almost ashamed.
The suggestion of not interacting with the others forum members in a "face to face" situation touched me as If I can even be detrimental to someone else.
It is an issue for me the constant idea of being of an evil nature.
The days before the conference I was really looking forward for the EE session and I looked on the forum every day for that, but the time I got to Barcelona I was thinking that maybe it was supposed that I shouldn't attend since I could have been a draining channel.
So, when I saw that actually the session happend the day after,and that was decided spontaneously during the day, the shock came about feeling of exclusion,beating myself up for excluding myself or maybe validating my previous guesses.

I know also how pity evocation is probably one of my programs, but I couldn't find a better way of framing the subject.

The glimpse I'm able to identify in all this is my sense of inferiority masked with a sense of self-importance but I'm not able to see the whole picture clear. I'm also aware I have some narcissistic issues going.

Any help and shock is really welcomed.

Thanks

 

[zim]

Re: Feeling evil and self pityful A search for shocks.

Hi Intothefield

I felt in the same way the last year, all my programs were running, feeling that I wasn't good enough to stay there, it is hard to face yourself with your programs, but now I know that I was my "introjet mode working " so I had to work a lot on that program in fact I'm still doing....Im grateful I could realize about my programs during the PF and began working on them it was a good oportunity otherwise I dont know if I ever knew about them.

Have you read the 5 books? Maybe you can look in the forum search about the introject or read the 5 books mainly trapped in the mirror that is very good explaining how a narcissistic upbringing can affect us. ;D

Good look

 

[Approaching Infinity]

Re: Feeling evil and self pityful A search for shocks.

The Barcelona Conference made aware of few things that I think I'm carrying with me since long time.

I tough would be the best to share those feelings here since most of them are blocking me from interacting with the forum,hope I'm not going to make you loose time and energy:

I avoided, during the pauses of the conference to interact with anyone, feeling almost ashamed.
The suggestion of not interacting with the others forum members in a "face to face" situation touched me as If I can even be detrimental to someone else.
It is an issue for me the constant idea of being of an evil nature.
The days before the conference I was really looking forward for the EE session and I looked on the forum every day for that, but the time I got to Barcelona I was thinking that maybe it was supposed that I shouldn't attend since I could have been a draining channel.
So, when I saw that actually the session happend the day after,and that was decided spontaneously during the day, the shock came about feeling of exclusion,beating myself up for excluding myself or maybe validating my previous guesses.

I know also how pity evocation is probably one of my programs, but I couldn't find a better way of framing the subject.

The glimpse I'm able to identify in all this is my sense of inferiority masked with a sense of self-importance but I'm not able to see the whole picture clear. I'm also aware I have some narcissistic issues going.

Any help and shock is really welcomed.

Thanks

Hi Intothefield. Sorry to hear to troubles you had in Barcelona. I think what you went through amounts to internal considering more than anything else. The suggestions made on the forum about interacting in person are for a very specific purpose. Often when members meet there ARE feeding dynamics at play. But in a group gathering like this, with many forum members present, including moderators, there's nothing wrong with just being yourself. That's what we're trying to promote after all: healthy interactions between people. It's not really a bad thing that you acted the way you did. After all, it provided you a glimpse of yourself and your own programs. Something to observe, note, and work with. Zim made a good suggestion about the 5 psychology books. I think they'll help you get a good grasp on the dynamics at play here. My suggestion: if you're worried about being 'evil', don't let that cause you to recoil into yourself. Instead, use it as a motivation to try to interact with others with compassion and consideration. You can't get anywhere without trying, and if you fail, it just means you have the chance to try again.

 

[Z...]

Re: Feeling evil and self pityful A search for shocks.

Hi Intothefield, sounds like you missed group quality time because you indulged in too much internal considering. I feel for you - internal considering can ruin some precious moments in our life.

Once I found this simple story very helpful:

A man is driving in the countryside, when his car tire goes flat. He goes to find a spare tire from the trunk. Luckily, he does have a spare tire, but… there is no jack. He is in the middle of nowhere, but he remembers driving past a house a few miles back. He figures his only option is to walk there and ask to borrow a jack.

The man starts walking back the road. “It is quite late”, he thinks. “I am so unfortunate. This is just my luck. I wonder if there is even anybody home – I can’t remember seeing any light there. Besides, since it is so late, they probably will not even open the door for me. And who knows? They might even call the police, it is probably not common to have an unknown man coming to bother them this late. Or maybe they are sleeping, and I wake them up, and they will be really mad, because I woke them up and ask for a jack, and they sure are not going to just give their jack to a stranger. How would they know I would return it? So, just by asking them, I probably insult them, because they think... I think they are idiots.”

On and on, he kept thinking like that all the way to the house. When he arrived at the house and the door was finally answered, he yelled, “Just keep your damn jack!!!”, then turned and hurried away.

Do think of this story next time you start falling into usual negative introject thought patterns ;)


Other then normal worry/working hypothesis that we are all no better then organic portals until we develop full consciousness is there any particular reason you constantly feel that you are of "evil nature"?

 

[truth seeker]

Re: Feeling evil and self pityful A search for shocks.

Other then normal worry/working hypothesis that we are all no better then organic portals until we develop full consciousness is there any particular reason you constantly feel that you are of "evil nature"?

This is my question as well. Who or what has made you view yourself in this manner? How is it that you feel your 'evil nature' is s powerful that it can affect others?

 

[Mahael859]

Re: Feeling evil and self pityful A search for shocks.

Thanks a lot everybody for your quick answer, so much to ponder indeed!

I'm readind the tread on negative introject and I ordered : "trapped in the mirror" and "unholy hungers" probably if I would have done it before I would have known better what was happening. I should have done homework...

sounds like you missed group quality time because you indulged in too much internal considering. I feel for you - internal considering can ruin some precious moments in our life.

That sound definitely true to me, not just for this last happening but in general, I will really remind myself this story you shared with me. Thanks.
I feel that my internal considering might be related to a search of perfection to avoid critics, and if I`m not wrong that`s a major narcissistic trait.
Also I know that the risk of recoiling into myself it`s always be ind the corner.....and I always try hard to find ways of opening up to the world.

Other then normal worry/working hypothesis that we are all no better then organic portals until we develop full consciousness is there any particular reason you constantly feel that you are of "evil nature"?

This is my question as well. Who or what has made you view yourself in this manner? How is it that you feel your 'evil nature' is s powerful that it can affect others?

Your question made me think about few stages of my life:
As a child I was ashamed about my anger, I was taught by my mother that I should be superior to the insults I received from others and not reacting.
My father, being at that time at the top of his bipolar disorder sometimes scared me with his unexpected explosions of anger, so once I recall that after a fight with my brother I said to myself:-"I will never become as my father".

Then back in 2001 when I was on what I called my "quest for power and control" with all the Wicca and mumbo jumbo things. A really strange thing happened: I was in a group (which I left after 1 month of interaction because I smelled something wrong) who was promoting this kind of method called: "entering in frequency" where all the people, guided by "the Master" would go into a sort of trance which will allowed to do all sort of things...from stripping almost naked, behaving as animals and talking gibberish (third language..uhm..sure!).
But one night this happened to me outside of the group, with a group of friends, probably I felt excluded and I had to get back attention...so a feeling inside me was saying:"let yourself go" and I did...results: something really violent came out putting me almost in trance, one of my friend got particularly scared and after that she had to start psychotherapy, of course she had other issues but at that time I (in my self centered mood) perceived myself as a cause.
Two years ago we had, though, a complete reconciliation with me admitting my control problems.
Then came the Wicca coven, one year late, where I underwent an exorcism by two of the members because they says I had something really bad inside:
So the exorcism went on, beginning with them provoking my "dirks side" behaving like schoolmates offending me.
The trance state got resumed and I felt really blinded by anger.
This experience would be later be used against me with other false accusation by some of the group to kick me out of the coven.
Those same persons one day later attached the older part of the group bringing to the distruction of the coven. Which of course I felt responsible for....(same egocentric).
Writing this lines, I understand how important probably should be for me to accept my anger and not trying to fix it up or repress it.

Other then normal worry/working hypothesis that we are all no better then organic portals until we develop full consciousness

That`s particularly intresting because, altought, I read few times about this matter (afraid of being one) this passage was kind of skipped by my conscious mind.

A month ago I had a dream where I was at the door of Laura's house: she was cleaning everything perfectly, I was invited to come in, but I was afraid to enter cause my shoes where dirty. She says not to worry and just came in...

Then tonight another dream:
Laura was in my house, I was ashamed because my housemates left everything messed up,so I offered her a coffee wile I was cleaning, at one point I realized that I couldn't`t loose time cleaning the others mess to make a good impression wile someone I really would have liked to spend time with was there.
So I left everything sprayed with the cleaner ad I sat at the table.

Thanks again!

 

[beetlemaniac]

Re: Feeling evil and self pityful A search for shocks.

I think that working on Diet would also help you immensely, it would give you a better 'internal consistency' to be able to get through your issues more smoothly. First thing would be to cut out sugar, wheat, soy, dairy, bad fats. Then transition into a good fat & meat diet, eliminating cravings and thinking problems that occur because of erratic insulin levels. For me, the key to succeeding diet-wise is to not be controlled by fear, but to make diet choices that are informed by knowledge.

Check out the Life Without Bread thread here as a starter, and be sure to read the other threads on the Diet and Health board as well, there's a lot of information to digest, enjoy!
http://cassiopaea.org/forum/index.php/topic,22916.0.html

 

[Mahael859]

Thanks Beetlemanic, another precious advice.
I started already most of the diets arrangements that Are suggested since I'm gaining a better knowledge on the topic.
I can definitely feel the difference (mostly psychological) with those days that ,for an issue or another, I'm not able to stick to the diet.

Thanks again

 

[Laura]

Thanks Beetlemanic, another precious advice.
I started already most of the diets arrangements that Are suggested since I'm gaining a better knowledge on the topic.
I can definitely feel the difference (mostly psychological) with those days that ,for an issue or another, I'm not able to stick to the diet.

Thanks again

Just keep in mind, self-discipline, such as diet and doing the EE meditation, can "cause the flyer to flee". That's just don Juan's way of saying that you can regain control of your own system.

But it IS an interesting idea that "spirit attachment" can be cured by "prayer and fasting", i.e. diet and EE...

 

[Z...]

In fact Sagan in book Entity Possession claims that attachments almost always have sweet tooth, ie cause strong cravings for sugars.

Definitely food for thoughts.

 

[Chopper]

Hello Inthefield your av is instersting to say the least.

you said "I avoided, during the pauses of the conference to interact with anyone, feeling almost ashamed.
The suggestion of not interacting with the others forum members in a "face to face" situation touched me as If I can even be detrimental to someone else. "
You have a good grip on things , don't let go hang on tight and gain Knowladge , it is the way out of any trap!

Pity can kill drop it like a hot rock never look back IMHHO.

I will not feed your need for shock , There are plenty of GREAT replys here from the others!

best wishes for you my friend.

 

[Mahael859]

I`ve tought about the spirit attachment possibility (I read that Sagan claim that almost 99% of the people are subject to those kind of "relations") but as well I think about my responsibility toward such, as I am the one who let the doors open.
All I can say, is that,after periods of discipline with food and regular meditations, a couple of days are coming when I feel like indulging with sweets and junk food, so basically right now (thanks to your comments) I'm keeping my discipline and staying more alert to observe what cause the breaking of the schedule.
I found really intresting the comment about the sugars cause a couple of weeks ago I was at a chiropractor's lesson where it was told that sugary foods are used by people to suppress anger. This for me relate to my previous posts.

Again, thanks to everyone for your advices,

Good Work to all of you

 

[paralleloscope]

Hi Intothefield

Thanks for sharing your good news of succesful struggle.
Even though you once let the doors be open for potential attachments to enter, you are closing them again by being vigilant and attentive to your work on self, potentially raising your FRV so 'they' cannot feast upon you anymore.

FWIW, I had many of the same thoughts and reactions when meeting the group last year, discovering my true state of internal consideration which was always active but only became visible to me, in contrast with the groups "profile", extremely valuable but a hard blow to the usual "safe" illusory state of protecting the selfish dance around the internal axis. In social settings I'm still struggling to find a balance between vigilance (without paranoid recoil) and loose social generosity (denying the introject). But EE, the diet, developing aim, bodywork and growing self discipline are getting me there.

Regarding sugar cravings, maybe Atreides' List will be of inspiration