Healing the inner child

[Smallwood]

Hi everyone.

I've been wondering about this topic quite a bit lately. I have yet to read "Deep Therapy in the Fast Lane" completely but I will soon.

How to get in touch with your inner child? How to probe him to come forward and have him realize that I want to fulfill his wishes? How do you know what to feed him and when? All my knowledge in this area is very theoretical, no personal experience.

I think that there is in my case a lot of resistance to getting in touch with my inner child's feelings and wishes. I've had dreams where I hurt children physically so I wonder if they mean to tell me that I really hate my inner child?

 

[Buddy]

Hi everyone.

I've been wondering about this topic quite a bit lately. I have yet to read "Deep Therapy in the Fast Lane" completely but I will soon.

How to get in touch with your inner child? How to probe him to come forward and have him realize that I want to fulfill his wishes? How do you know what to feed him and when? All my knowledge in this area is very theoretical, no personal experience.

I think that there is in my case a lot of resistance to getting in touch with my inner child's feelings and wishes. I've had dreams where I hurt children physically so I wonder if they mean to tell me that I really hate my inner child?

Hi Smallwood. This is probably something you might have to do one step at a time...one 'piece', or incident, or memory at a time.

My experience has been that in order to help the child, I have to take an observing approach of just listening (with every sense at my disposal). When negative emotions and memories arise, I just observe...everything. I have to slow down and just allow myself to experience all sensations and thoughts just as they are without interpreting them and without cutting off the process until it's done. I take the psychological attitude of a caring parent who takes away the child's pain by taking it on himself, in a way, by just experiencing every nuance of what is there without judgment or avoiding.

Perhaps you'll know when the child is better, because your willingness to bear the entire experience of this child's pain, from it's point of view, will cause everything to dislodge and flow out. You will experience real empathy and caring that sometimes feels heart-breaking, but is also healing if you don't interrupt, add to or truncate the full experience.

I have tears in my eyes even now as I write this because it is a genuinely beautiful, healing exercise. :)

 

[mada85]

How to get in touch with your inner child? How to probe him to come forward and have him realize that I want to fulfill his wishes? How do you know what to feed him and when? All my knowledge in this area is very theoretical, no personal experience.

Have you read Recovery of Your Inner Child by Lucia Cappacchione? She explains the method of writing and drawing with your non-dominant hand as a way to allow your inner child to express itself. One can in fact carry on a dialogue with the inner child. Another interesting book about inner child work is Homecoming by John Bradshaw.

Can you remember much of your childhood? Laura advised me once, as I can remember only a few isolated events from my own childhood, to keep a journal in which I would write all the childhood memories I could access, add some photos and so on. This did open the door to remembering more of my childhood, but the most valuable outcome was the insights I gained into the roots of certain programs, and the healing that followed.

I would like to offer a caveat about inner child work. It seems to me that many people in the inner child movement – John Bradshaw, Cappacchione, etc., - think that the way to healing is to indulge one's inner child. Meaning that if the inner child wants ice cream, you eat ice cream, and so on. With the result that the world would be full of adults who are more like overgrown children. This idea can often bee seen in advertising, for example. I think Bud has made some very pertinent points in relation to this.

 

[Smallwood]

Thanks for answers Bud and Endymion! I really didn't know how to ask my questions better, but you've helped along!

I've been trying to observe myself today, trying to grab on to the thoughts and feelings the best I've could, but it's a fine process indeed because before you've really noticed it (atleast in my case), you might have already repressed/dissociated from it. It's very frustrating to know what one must do in order to get a clue yet fail so consistently at it. Perhaps at times when one knows he has failed it's best to just listen and look for some positive and soothing activity (whatever it may be) and try to be in the present trying not to let the mind wander.

Anyway, I was walking a couple of hours ago outside where I observed two parts in myself, another wanted to pull up my hood on (perhaps part that is afraid of being judged for my appearance), another wanted to just walk on with hood down. I was getting annoyed because I didn't know which part to listen to but then the answer just came: Just do what you WANT to. I still didn't know which I wanted to do more, but as I walked I then put on the hood. Perhaps a sign from my unconscious that it's best to be gentle with myself still, not stressing over how much time I have left to accomplish whatever it is I need to accomplish.

Laura advised me once, as I can remember only a few isolated events from my own childhood, to keep a journal in which I would write all the childhood memories I could access, add some photos and so on. This did open the door to remembering more of my childhood, but the most valuable outcome was the insights I gained into the roots of certain programs, and the healing that followed.

Thanks, that sounds like very useful advice.

 

[Aiming]

Hi Smallwood,

I'm also finding myself at this very point:

How to get in touch with your inner child? How to probe him to come forward and have him realize that I want to fulfill his wishes? How do you know what to feed him and when? All my knowledge in this area is very theoretical, no personal experience.

while at the same time having in mind Endymion's caveat:

It seems to me that many people in the inner child movement – John Bradshaw, Cappacchione, etc., - think that the way to healing is to indulge one's inner child. Meaning that if the inner child wants ice cream, you eat ice cream, and so on. With the result that the world would be full of adults who are more like overgrown children.

Just the other day when I was at my therapist's I told her about this very strong negative introject in me and how if I do not notice that specific turning point It makes me think "I'm incurably psychologically sick" and how this is accompanied by a heavy pressure on my head. She then asked me if I can remember anything from my childhood that generated the same feeling. Well, it turned out it probably was about my stepfather. I then had eyes closed remembering a specific scene and how he raged at me and how I reacted with defiance. Her next question was: What is it that you would have wished from him? Then I felt pain welling up and tears. I had the image of I would've wished him to sit down with me, ask me how I'm doing, what's on my mind, do I want to talk, taking me in his arms = the loving father figure. When she asked me if I could tell him anything I'd like to tell him along these lines (within this imaginary setting) I found I couldn't - not yet. The issues being fear of the great pain coming up as well as trust issues towards the therapist.
So when you say:

I was getting annoyed because I didn't know which part to listen to but then the answer just came: Just do what you WANT to. I still didn't know which I wanted to do more, but as I walked I then put on the hood. Perhaps a sign from my unconscious that it's best to be gentle with myself still, not stressing over how much time I have left to accomplish whatever it is I need to accomplish.

that for me really is spot on. I also know a bit about the theories about the work with the inner child, but this is theories only.
What I see a bit clearer now is how all these theories won't do any good, on the contrary, 'they' can really do damage if I do not take more care of myself and be more gentle with myself.

So having felt that I cannot yet 'confront' stepfather might have earlier elicited something like "But I want to and must do this in order to progress"; but now I'm slowly -I think and hope- understanding that there is no 'must now'. There's just kind of being with myself (if that makes sense), learning to accept me without these looming theories of how and where I should be, observing it as best I can, trying to listen to whatever comes up, trying to get a grasp on it, and proceeding with whatever pace that fits, that is, in a natural not a forced way. Which is another one of rewiring one's circuits - not easy and I only have a tiny glimpse of it. But a glimpse is better than nothing right. :D

My experience has been that in order to help the child, I have to take an observing approach of just listening (with every sense at my disposal). When negative emotions and memories arise, I just observe...everything. I have to slow down and just allow myself to experience all sensations and thoughts just as they are without interpreting them and without cutting off the process until it's done. I take the psychological attitude of a caring parent who takes away the child's pain by taking it on himself, in a way, by just experiencing every nuance of what is there without judgment or avoiding.

Thanks for this, Bud. That's quite a challenge.

 

[Windmill knight]

I would like to offer a caveat about inner child work. It seems to me that many people in the inner child movement – John Bradshaw, Cappacchione, etc., - think that the way to healing is to indulge one's inner child. Meaning that if the inner child wants ice cream, you eat ice cream, and so on. With the result that the world would be full of adults who are more like overgrown children. This idea can often bee seen in advertising, for example. I think Bud has made some very pertinent points in relation to this.

I think this is a very important point. You don't heal the child by indulging in everything s/he wants; you heal by acknowledging and validating their true feelings and placing them in their right place, while responding as an adult to the world outside in thoughts and behavior. If the inner child is crying (and it may take some work to hear it cry if we are not very much in touch with our emotions), you don't let it take control of your life. Instead, you (the thinking-acting adult) reassure the child that it is ok to feel as much as s/he wants, and that things are going to be ok because you are going to take care of them as an adult. In other words, I think it has to do with keeping the emotions in the emotional center while letting the intellectual and motor centers do their jobs. Which is very different from repressing emotions; it's the opposite, actually.

 

[Buddy]

Thanks for this, Bud. That's quite a challenge.

I agree with all that has been said so far but I would like to add: the caring parent approach is the best one for me. But it's only the approach. While this process may be challenging, it might be best to experiment, first, with feelings that don't seem very strong.

At some point during the approach, I still have to release the 'clamp' that holds the parent concept in place, slow down the mental energy and just flow into the sensations of the feelings and physical tension state that describes the emotions and just allow the full experience in order to get it flowing. At this point, there is no parent or child, or any other sense of self other than awareness...just awareness of the sensations, feelings and everything else as existing in their own right and exactly as they are, no matter what.

I hope that helps a bit, but it may just be my particular way of dealing with things that could stand some improvement...it's an ongoing experiment. :)

 

[Oxajil]

I think this is a very important point. You don't heal the child by indulging in everything s/he wants; you heal by acknowledging and validating their true feelings and placing them in their right place, while responding as an adult to the world outside in thoughts and behavior. If the inner child is crying (and it may take some work to hear it cry if we are not very much in touch with our emotions), you don't let it take control of your life. Instead, you (the thinking-acting adult) reassure the child that it is ok to feel as much as s/he wants, and that things are going to be ok because you are going to take care of them as an adult. In other words, I think it has to do with keeping the emotions in the emotional center while letting the intellectual and motor centers do their jobs. Which is very different from repressing emotions; it's the opposite, actually.

Very interesting!
It's funny. That reminds me of:

Some time ago I was sitting in class and I was thinking about raising my hand to say something. This thought alone made my heart pump faster. I could feel the adrenaline rush through my body and somehow there was much fear inside of me.
I told myself: "Why are you acting this way? It's okay. Nothing is going to happen. They're good people, it's safe."
And when I did that, soon enough the fear went away.

I'm going to keep "reassure the child that it is ok to feel as much as s/he wants, and that things are going to be ok because you are going to take care of them as an adult" in mind!

 

[Windmill knight]

Some time ago I was sitting in class and I was thinking about raising my hand to say something. This thought alone made my heart pump faster. I could feel the adrenaline rush through my body and somehow there was much fear inside of me.
I told myself: "Why are you acting this way? It's okay. Nothing is going to happen. They're good people, it's safe."
And when I did that, soon enough the fear went away.

Yes! This is more or less what I try to do lately, and it seems to work. Gentle control of the emotions. The problem is that in the heat of the moment it's very easy to forget about it! No wonder Father Sylvan says that not even God can help a man without attention.

 

[Aiming]

I hope that helps a bit, but it may just be my particular way of dealing with things that could stand some improvement...it's an ongoing experiment.

Thanks for clarifying this, Bud. When I read about your or another's way of approaching this what I do with it is take it with me as an image or idea and try to test it myself. It's like gathering different perspectives and seeing what and how it works for me. So no worries, I don't take it as an absolute. :)

Some time ago I was sitting in class and I was thinking about raising my hand to say something. This thought alone made my heart pump faster. I could feel the adrenaline rush through my body and somehow there was much fear inside of me.
I told myself: "Why are you acting this way? It's okay. Nothing is going to happen. They're good people, it's safe."
And when I did that, soon enough the fear went away.

I'm going to keep "reassure the child that it is ok to feel as much as s/he wants, and that things are going to be ok because you are going to take care of them as an adult" in mind!

Thanks for sharing this, Oxajil, I'll try to do that next time, too.

 

[Laura]

This is another thread that could be very useful if more people would post their experiences of encounters with the inner child.

 

[Tigersoap]

One day I had to ask for coffee at a counter and I suddenly was aware of an anxiety of not ordering correctly and how I was repeating constantly in my head the very simple order I had to make.

I started to talk to my inner child that it was ok, that it was fine and he was safe with me, that he could remember easily such things and speak without fear.
It really helped to calm down the anxiety to speak softly in my head to my inner child.

It may seem a trivial exemple but it's really hard to see this in action as Windmill Knight said, there are so many moments in life when this happens and that I am not even aware of !

 

[EmeraldHope]

Quote from Bud

Have you read Recovery of Your Inner Child by Lucia Cappacchione? She explains the method of writing and drawing with your non-dominant hand as a way to allow your inner child to express itself. One can in fact carry on a dialogue with the inner child.

I did quite a bit of work with this. I did the whole workbook actually about 10 years ago. It was a lot of fun using crayons and paper again. I loved to draw and color when I wqas little. I did it with my son and now I make it a point to color and draw with my friends smaller children whenever I can. I enjoy it as much as they do.

I also found a great technique back then that I still use sometimes when I get stuck. You can use it to address the child parts or just yourself in general, I type a question to myself, and without thinking, just start typing repsonses ( can be done with pen and paper also ) The key is not to think about what you are typing. When I hit on a feeling or emotional reaction I know where to focus. It is also interesting to read over after you are done becasue you can see the many i's that answer, or answers that are what your mom would say, or off the wall answers you may have heard on tv or somewhere.

I have also found it useful to give in to her, if, for example if time permits and I pass by a swingset and she wants to swing, to just do it. I do not mean this in the context of always giving in, for example to ice cream, etc as mentioned earlier in the thread. But sometimes, just a little spontanious play is good for me. I also allowed myself to enjoy a lot of this when my son was younger. When he got older, my excuse was gone so to speak, but I still like it, in all honesty.

My inner teenager gave me much more problems than my child parts, overall. My child was more wounded in places, and my teenager was angry with a capital A.

My inner child is shy and quiet, and my teenager is loud and obnoxious. I had to work very hard to love and accept teenage me, but once I did, she became pretty peaceful. Dissolving a large part of my negative introject helped as well, as my inner teenager rebelled hard against it. My inner child just believed what it said.


I have found my inner child speaking up a few times when I first started posting here. She was very scared of rejection. I had to softly assure her it was ok.

 

[Laura]

I did quite a bit of work with this. I did the whole workbook actually about 10 years ago. <snip>


I have found my inner child speaking up a few times when I first started posting here. She was very scared of rejection. I had to softly assure her it was ok.

It's good to know that you've got a handle on this. I have a general rule of thumb that if a person doesn't really start making some progress and showing it, after a year of being babied, (sometimes two - depends on the situation), then they can't be helped.

What strikes me as curious is that you still refer to these parts as parts and they should have been integrated by now.

 

[EmeraldHope]

I did quite a bit of work with this. I did the whole workbook actually about 10 years ago. <snip>


I have found my inner child speaking up a few times when I first started posting here. She was very scared of rejection. I had to softly assure her it was ok.

It's good to know that you've got a handle on this. I have a general rule of thumb that if a person doesn't really start making some progress and showing it, after a year of being babied, (sometimes two - depends on the situation), then they can't be helped.

What strikes me as curious is that you still refer to these parts as parts and they should have been integrated by now.

I think it is just the way I write, Laura. I was trying to make it easy to read. They are mostly integrated. On occasion, and it is rare, I will get a glimpse of something and know exactly what it is, as when I first started posting here, referenced above. By and large, I find it only occurs if it is an event that happens rarely to trigger such a thing, and it is very very mild compared to what it was years ago- I can just catch the subtlety.

I have been having a lot of trouble wording and phrasing things correctly since I have been posting here ,so that I am easily understood. Yesterday was particularly difficult. I think what needs to be addressed, and it is in part I think what kept me from posting for so long, is that I'm pretty sure most of you all are college educated, and I am , for the most part, totally self educated. I quit school in the ninth grade and got a GED. I was very bright and very bored and was having a lot of issues at home. But at any rate, all of my learning I figured out by myself. The reason I think it could be an issue, is because I have never had to really formally put down on paper more complicated material that I have learned. I was never babied, as I did all of this on my own , so yall can let me have it so to speak. So I think I was able to keep most of my learning in more of the, for lack of a better way to put it " right brain" I learned finance this way for work. If someone mentioned something I did not know, I would go home and study it. No one ever had a clue I was not properly educated. I cannot seem to breach the gap here without it becoming evident. A lot of you all also learned all of this in a more linear fashion, in order so to speak. I was contrasting and comparing mainly you and Stuart Wilde, and all of that against the left hand systems which I was trying to understand earlier. I knew in my heart you were correct, I just had to rectify the difference. I would figure something out, then come back here for confirmation. I also found myself stuck many times, where I had to go off and learn political history,expand my knowledge base on basic government, learn psychological terminology, such as Jung, religion in general, social engineering, etc, and then come back at this again and resolve all of the further questions that created. I think somewhat holistically- I need to understand the big picture, then come back and address the deatils where I am missing knowledge.

On top of all of that, I was following your work section, and reading Gurdjieff, Mourievff, Castenada, and all of the psychology books, and political ponerology, and trying to work on all that they brought up within me. In this midst of all of this my career crashed, lol. So I am still , I think, missing pieces and possible did not do everything correctly.For ewxample, when I first started posting, I posted that wall of raw data in the Satanism thread. I had read Political Ponerology, but when I did I was focused on the Psychopath, and did not really connect how posting that would effect others possibly. So I catch things like that which are not intentional, but are the result of the way I went about learning all of this. I got to the point where I knew I could not go any further by myself, and however this turned out was just going to be however this turned out so to speak. As I said in prior posts I had some bad experiences with groups as a child, and that combined with this I am telling you held me back. In real life, there is no one I know "working", so my attempt at saying what I mean here is 10 years worth of reading, that is ordered in my head, and never has been attempted to be put down in the written format. I hope this helps you to make more sense out of me , and my improper wording at times, and why I am not as clear as I would like to be. There may also be some things that I did not, indeed, integrate correctly. I am willing to say that is possible, although I feel pretty integrated, except for diet, which is my next project . I do know that I have suffered more trauma than most people that I personally know, emotionally, mentally, and physically,so that may have slowed me down quite a bit, as that was a lot to process, and still comes up internally sometimes.