I deceive myself for years thinking I was a strong woman.

ClaudiaYG

Jedi
FOTCM Member
For some months I've been doing Family Constellations therapy. On Monday, November 21st I had a session in which I wanted to address having a job, because I've had difficulty keeping a job for long and I want to be productive and able to earn my own money, and also because every time I started working the symptoms of the autoimmune disease I suffer from came back.

In Family Constellations you work with the information around the family, for example, the therapist would always ask how your grandparents died, if your mom or grandmoms had abortions, family secrets, how was the interaction between them and the rest of the family, the order in which the children were born, whether there were tragic deaths, etc. I am only doing individual therapy and the method used there is with little figures, like action figures and these objects play the role of the family members, if the therapy was to be done in a group, real persons would come in as the family representatives.

Since I have been taking these therapies I've been interested in my family history as didn't have much information, just the basics. Before the 21st therapy, me and my husband went to visit an aunt who was pretty much like a second grandmother, my dad's sister, and told me a lot of stories that I only knew partially. The one that impacted me the most was that my grandfather, her father, was probably poisoned as a results of envy and jealousy at the workplace. The official story said he had a heartattack, but my aunt told me that when he arrived at the hospital he was already dead, and some doctor told them that he had strange bruises and spots that indicated poisoning, but my grandmother didn't want them to perform an autopsy.

As my aunt was telling the story I wanted to cry desperately, as if I was feeling all the pain they went through, but mostly for my grandfather. I remember having a big picture of him when I was a little girl so I asked her if she still had it. She still had it and went to another room to get it and when she brought it back I had a very strange feeling, as if I was seeing myself in his eyes. My grandfather died young, and my dad does not remember him as he was very young too, perhaps 3 or 4 years old. I'd like to describe the whole session, but I am afraid I might not be able to do it properly as it is complex and I am still processing it, so I'll write about the conclusions and how I've felt after it.

Another things is that when I entered states of never ending crying, usually at night, one of the strongest narratives I had was "I AM NOT SEEN" and I always felt it was someone else saying it instead of me. A couple of therapies ago the therapist told me that that phrase is typical within the family system when someone died tragically, or committed suicide, or was murdered, and the family does not talk about it, so the person is defined as excluded. At that moment I didn't know enough about my grandfather to connect it.

One of the conclusions I arrived to from the session was a memory that said that work=death, or work=something-bad-is-going-to-happen, relating it to what happened to my grandfather. And it makes sense because when I work my body starts aching or I get scared. My dad was successful in the workplace and the information that came through in the session said that my dad didn't let himself be intimidated and therefore he was able to grow, but this didn't happen with my grandfather, and so it is like I was more connected with my grandfather. I don't know if it is an attachment or cellular memories, I still don't have that clear.

The last thing that came up during this session, and that I am now reflecting on, sad about, and in confusion is that I am sensible to a lot of things, is like I didn't develop a filter to decide what could affect me and what not, or to what degree, and so I am exposed. It hurts to realize this as now I see I deceive myself for years thinking I was a strong woman, that keeping quiet and not saying things was a sign of strength and capacity to do a lot of things at the same time, believing I wasn't vulnerable, contained all the time and I think my body was screaming through rigidity, while I knew that within I felt very fragile, and scared. My family seeing that I was fragile and vulnerable but i could not recognize it.

In the last days I have been feeling like a veil had dropped from my eyes, life memories have been coming forward in relation to this vulnerability and sensibility that I could not accept 100% in the past.

I've been having black and white moments while thinking that being "strong" didn't help at all, but neither showing vulnerability. Yesterday I was telling my husband about this question ¿How to benefit myself and others from this sensibility? Helping others? Service? Some time ago I was giving art therapy to kids but I don't know if that is the path at this moment. But I have that question in my head. ¿How to build back that filter so that life experiences aren't felt like the end of the world? ¿How to balance strong and sensitivity?


https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Family_Constellations
 
This is completely fascinating and thank you for describing your experience with this type of therapy. Heck, I'd like to give it a try if there was somebody around who did it in English.
 
Thank you for sharing, ClaudiaYG. That is amazing! It reminds of this article:

Trauma lost and found: How inherited family trauma shapes who we are
https://www.sott.net/article/321386-Trauma-lost-and-found-How-inherited-family-trauma-shapes-who-we-are

The stories told in that article are as compelling as yours. I decided to get the book referenced in the article. The author is the founder and director of The Family Constellation Institute. After some scientific background, there are some exercises that takes the reader through a process to discover "ancestral trauma". I contacted a local therapist for more info. My thought was that the exercises from the book in conjunction with a therapist's guide was better. The therapist forewarned me that Individual Constellation therapy was more intense than the average psychology session or even the Family Constellation where other family members participate.

I thought about giving it a try in January or February, after clarifying family details with my father. I've been having a little bit of a headache as of late determining the African origin of my paternal side of the family. For most people, this is a non-issue. For me it is important to clarify if we were part of the Afro-American slave trade of the last centuries or an earlier "survival trade" from several thousand years ago. I hope to settle it with an autosomal DNA test to help me determine the genetic background of my ancestors from the last 3-5 generations. According to research, it is this last few generations that are most crucial for "inherited trauma". Sorry for the digression. This has been weighting heavily on my mind as of late.

Thank you for sharing, you have given me courage to explore Family Constellations with more depth. I might give a call this week and take the plunge :)
 
Where do you get the DNA test that can tell you this?
 
Hi ClaudiaYG,

As Laura said, this has always been fascinating to me. We are in a sense the results of the epigenetic changes that our anscestors have gone through, and I had even thought about it in more societal terms where severe trauma (say the conquest) affects the behavior of the entire Latin American population, but I digress.

I'm glad your vision has grown so clear, it's rewarding from what I see :). And perhaps I'm wrong but, these boundaries you speak of, the ones you're wondering about, to my knowledge require some trial and error. They require some risk taking steps. I myself have had issues with setting up proper boundaries (and probably still do) but these boundaries are born out of a conscious evaluation of the results of interacting with the outside world. What is acceptable and what isn't can't be up to unconscious factors anymore, these answers fall in your hands and it's up to you, based on a day in and day out, case by case scenario. So little by little..:)

A good way to think about it is a guitar playing callus, no one's born with them, they get developed by the interaction of ourselves with the outside world, and at first it might hurt but eventually they come to be where we are able to play (interact with the outside world) without getting constantly hurt.

But there's no rush, take your time. And thank you so much for sharing!
 
Gaby said:
Thank you for sharing, ClaudiaYG. That is amazing! It reminds of this article:

Trauma lost and found: How inherited family trauma shapes who we are
https://www.sott.net/article/321386-Trauma-lost-and-found-How-inherited-family-trauma-shapes-who-we-are

The stories told in that article are as compelling as yours. I decided to get the book referenced in the article. The author is the founder and director of The Family Constellation Institute. After some scientific background, there are some exercises that takes the reader through a process to discover "ancestral trauma". I contacted a local therapist for more info. My thought was that the exercises from the book in conjunction with a therapist's guide was better. The therapist forewarned me that Individual Constellation therapy was more intense than the average psychology session or even the Family Constellation where other family members participate.

Gaby I had already read the article, I think I am going to buy the book. Yes, it is a therapy very intense and exhausting. When the session it over I have the feeling of " Now I understand what happens" and in the following days I feel like something is reorganized and comes to my mind many memories of my life, questions, feelings.
I think it was my 5th constellation and in this one I felt a deep connection with my ancestors and a recognition of the family history.

I hope you find answers or at least a guide. :)
 
I know a person that have a 3 years old son and she decided to try something similar to this therapy. The reason why she tried this was because her son didn't learn to talk, he didn't even know how to say mom or dad. She made a lot of studies to him, and everything was fine with the child. I don't know how she found something similar to this and I don't know how it's called, one of the principal points stablished was to unveil family secrets, because when those secrets are hidden they could pass to next generations and afect that person in a determined way. And after searching secrets in her family and the family of his husbund she found that the paternal grandmother of the child had suffer gender violence and she couldn't tell these things to almost anyone and had many repressed things because of this. Unfortunetly the child's grandmother died six years ago and she took with her many secrets. After she, the child's mother, started to unveil some things the child started to talk, now he can say some basic things, but she told me that she will have to try Hypnosis to access to anothers things since there is no way to acced to them directly. Currently the child goes to a psichopedagogue.
 
Laura said:
Where do you get the DNA test that can tell you this?

I'm doing it through National Geographic's Family DNA Tree:

_https://www.familytreedna.com/family-finder-compare.aspx

Family Finder traces autosomal DNA from the last few generations from both father and mother line. They have other genetic tests for mitochondrial DNA and Y chromosome DNA. In my case, I already have the later two, but I'm missing the autosomal DNA test.

In my paternal side of the family, the last few generations are considered "caucasian", yet the Y chromosome DNA shows a clearly and distinctive African Sub-Saharan DNA. Quite a few Caucasians were surprised to find this haplotype in their genome as relatives as back from the 15th century were already supposedly white (blond with blue eyes). This is the case of my father who has green eyes and was blond when he was young. All my ancestors are considered "white". I don't know whether it was an ancestry from the Afroamerican slavery trade or genes dating back from when the Moors ruled Europe or even before that period of time. Autosomal DNA shows the genes from the last 3-5 generations and should help clarify. It has the advantage that if you are a woman, you don't need to test a father or brother to determine Y chromosome haplotypes.

Genealogical research is even more important, but sometimes it is hard to get records. Doing research on one's family and reviewing the historical context will complement the autosomal DNA results pretty well.

My first choice was Ancestry.com, but they ship only to specific countries other than North America. Their advantage is that you can trace distant relatives in their database which is pretty gigantic by now.

23 and me is also another good test (more expensive too), but they ship only to North America:

_https://www.23andme.com/en-eu/ancestry/
 
ClaudiaYG, thanks for sharing. I'm glad you were able to make a breakthrough using the family constellation therapy!

As others have mentioned, one wonders what might be passed down via the DNA and epigenetics due to trauma or other heightened emotions and states family members in the past have experienced. Some thoughts and speculation, DNA can be looked at as the central carrier of information in the human system that marries with the wider information system of the universal mind/cosmic mind. Maybe it is this interface in conjunction with being a connection to the family history (to include the pass down of events, traumas and possibly even programs and automatic behaviors of past direct family members via coded information) that was passed down that you are tapping into and debugging. Kind of a like debugging the family archetype in connection to the wider information field. It would seem to be important, because with your new awareness and how you might act in the future based on it you could be changing your DNA, the interface and direct informational connection with the universe. Energetically and on the level of information, maybe it even affects the past. What is also interesting to consider and speculate about are the comments the C's made in a session that members in attendance were descendants of Caesar. If many individuals connected here on the forum are descendants of Caesar in a 'royal' bloodline, what might learning about him and his life have to do with changing DNA and connecting it to the wider information system or inherited archetype? I'm not sure if I'm getting across and expressing what I have in mind well, though. Lots of ideas are coming to mind from the influence of reading the Wave books, C's sessions and SHOTW that I just can't get a firm grasp on at the moment, such as the soul matching the genetic profile of the physical body.

Also, in a psychology masters program, I took a family therapy class. One thing we learned about in this class is the therapy you are doing. A main assignment we had was writing a long paper highlighting the types of connections you are making in terms of our personality, etc and family members and family history. We had to create a family genogram with as much detailed information about family members and the associated relationships as possible. Here is a program I used for the assignment - http://www.genopro.com/introduction/ and http://www.genopro.com/genogram/family-systems-theory/ Individuals unable to attend this type of therapy might use the program or a related program to make similar connections you are making.

This paper/project was by far the most useful thing for me I did during my program. I interviewed family members and found pictures. The stories my mom told me alone were priceless toward my understanding myself in a lot of ways. I could start to see my grandfather's personality and possibly automatic programs passed down in part to my father and then passed down to me as one example. I thought of this then as learned behavior being passed down (programs being passed down), but bringing the information about epigenetics and DNA changes being passed down takes it to another level.

In a lot of ways the program and education was healing for me after experiencing significant personal difficulties, even if I end up not pursuing the profession, and this project on my family system/constellation was well worth the time and the most useful thing I did.
 
Thank you for sharing ClaudiaYG, that is a fascinating therapy you are taking. Through my mother's side I may have some ties to Franscico franco, and my father seemed to consciously choose to become a master of entropy so it would be worth finding out what manner of karma may have passed on to me.

I agree with Alego, learning how to balance your strength with sensitivity is something you will have to explore through experience. I experienced something similar as well when I unblocked my emotions and allow them to manifest themselves. At this time I was very vulnerable and learned the hard way, through predator attacks, what the C's truly meant when they stated;
Lesson number 1: Always expect attack. Lesson number 2: Know the modes of same. Lesson number 3: Know how to counteract same.

I think your filter will develop by itself as you gain more knowledge in how to live with your vulnerability while using knowledge to protect yourself.
 
Thank you GlaudiaYG,
and all, for your informations.

I have a friend in Marseille who is ostheopath and he had done this kind of therapy with his family in Germany... talking about connection !
I will dig too with this kind of resurecting past memories, it will be interesting to see the interconnectedness of all things more profoundly.

But I will not recommend to add any filters more that there already are in our mind. Indeed when you undertake such therapy and remembering, don't you let go of more filtering that the mind may have come to construct in order to protect those memories ? Moreover when you remember the past you do it in the now, the past is already dead. I will not forget that this is just Memories, and in the end, there is nothing to protect or filter. Is the goal not just to be impeccable in regard to whatever IS ?

Thank you for bringing that up, I was wandering if that kind of therapy could interest me, and it does now ! :) And thanks Gaby too, about ancestral connection, there is this H&W show that I have unfortunately not listened because I prefer read English than hear it... I'll give it a try.

https://www.sott.net/article/321722-The-Health-Wellness-Show-Your-Mamas-drama-can-cause-you-trauma
 
Hi ClaudiaYG,

I think this therapy is fascinating as well and your experience with it is very inspiring. I agree with others, take your time in adjusting to these new understandings and give yourself time to develop that filter. It will develop in time with the new interactions you'll have with the world while being aware of this vulnerability. The good thing is that now you see it, and that's the first step to start consciously building your boundaries.

I know a person that gives this kind of therapy here in my country and I participated in a group constellation with her before, but only as an observer. I must say I was impressed. People impersonated different members of the family and that served the purpose of understanding the different interactions between them. But something extraordinary happened during this session and it was that one person among the observers started feeling bad and then the information came up about a dead baby who was going to be the brother of the one that was doing the therapy. So, even when the person doing the therapy doesn't provide with all the information, some things can come up in these sessions that are just incredible. I was a bit annoyed by the fact that some people actually impersonated other people and they really acted as if they were those people, I was kind of worried about attachments and all that, but maybe it will be interesting to give it a try, although I rather try the individual modality.

Thank you for sharing!!
 
ClaudiaYG said:
For some months I've been doing Family Constellations therapy. On Monday, November 21st I had a session in which I wanted to address having a job, because I've had difficulty keeping a job for long and I want to be productive and able to earn my own money, and also because every time I started working the symptoms of the autoimmune disease I suffer from came back.

In Family Constellations you work with the information around the family, for example, the therapist would always ask how your grandparents died, if your mom or grandmoms had abortions, family secrets, how was the interaction between them and the rest of the family, the order in which the children were born, whether there were tragic deaths, etc. I am only doing individual therapy and the method used there is with little figures, like action figures and these objects play the role of the family members, if the therapy was to be done in a group, real persons would come in as the family representatives.
....

I am so glad for you ClaudiaYG! :) . Your experience sounds very deep and inner touching ( :P sorry, I do not know if this expression exits) . In my humble opinion you have made great progress and I want to say that I enjoyed so much listening what you told us in our recent trip; you talked clearly, directly, and with frankness, and it was noticeable for me that you really are working very hard on yourself.

Yas said:
Hi ClaudiaYG,

I think this therapy is fascinating as well and your experience with it is very inspiring. I agree with others, take your time in adjusting to these new understandings and give yourself time to develop that filter. It will develop in time with the new interactions you'll have with the world while being aware of this vulnerability. The good thing is that now you see it, and that's the first step to start consciously building your boundaries.

I know a person that gives this kind of therapy here in my country and I participated in a group constellation with her before, but only as an observer. I must say I was impressed. People impersonated different members of the family and that served the purpose of understanding the different interactions between them. But something extraordinary happened during this session and it was that one person among the observers started feeling bad and then the information came up about a dead baby who was going to be the brother of the one that was doing the therapy. So, even when the person doing the therapy doesn't provide with all the information, some things can come up in these sessions that are just incredible. I was a bit annoyed by the fact that some people actually impersonated other people and they really acted as if they were those people, I was kind of worried about attachments and all that, but maybe it will be interesting to give it a try, although I rather try the individual modality.

Thank you for sharing!!

About Family Constellations Therapy I think that can bring very good information to our life about forces (or energies, or whatever) that are influencing our perception and behabior. But thinking about this and other therapies I was philosophizing a little (just a litle) :grad: and I'd like to share with you my thoughts .

I can be totally wrong, but I was thinking that maybe this kind of therapies should be aboarded just when one have made some progress on the Work; namely, you work hard discovering programs, disassembling sacred cows, making readings, recapitulations, and stuff like those,... and then, when you found a pitfall or maybe you feel that are blocked or stagnanted and you can not make progress, these kind of therapies I think that can "enter the scene" to bring new information and allow go ahead with the Work.

Also I was thinking that if you skip up directly to this kind of therapies without develop before certain level of discipline (fortify the magnetic center) there is the risk that we will can develop some narratives about our issues and in consecuence in any way affect our possibilities of follow with work.

Well, as I said, just a thoughts...
 
ClaudiaYG said:
For some months I've been doing Family Constellations therapy. On Monday, November 21st I had a session in which I wanted to address having a job, because I've had difficulty keeping a job for long and I want to be productive and able to earn my own money, and also because every time I started working the symptoms of the autoimmune disease I suffer from came back.

In Family Constellations you work with the information around the family, for example, the therapist would always ask how your grandparents died, if your mom or grandmoms had abortions, family secrets, how was the interaction between them and the rest of the family, the order in which the children were born, whether there were tragic deaths, etc. I am only doing individual therapy and the method used there is with little figures, like action figures and these objects play the role of the family members, if the therapy was to be done in a group, real persons would come in as the family representatives.
....

It has been very interesting to see how things have been developing for you with this therapy Claudia, and I'm very glad you decided to take this other step :) I'm truly very happy for you, and thanks again for sharing this with us :D

msante said:
About Family Constellations Therapy I think that can bring very good information to our life about forces (or energies, or whatever) that are influencing our perception and behabior. But thinking about this and other therapies I was philosophizing a little (just a litle) :grad: and I'd like to share with you my thoughts .

I can be totally wrong, but I was thinking that maybe this kind of therapies should be aboarded just when one have made some progress on the Work; namely, you work hard discovering programs, disassembling sacred cows, making readings, recapitulations, and stuff like those,... and then, when you found a pitfall or maybe you feel that are blocked or stagnanted and you can not make progress, these kind of therapies I think that can "enter the scene" to bring new information and allow go ahead with the Work.

Also I was thinking that if you skip up directly to this kind of therapies without develop before certain level of discipline (fortify the magnetic center) there is the risk that we will can develop some narratives about our issues and in consecuence in any way affect our possibilities of follow with work.

Well, as I said, just a thoughts...


I do agree with you on this msante. From my personal experience and maybe it's not the same therapy but kinesiology goes a bit along the lines, and after being to a lot of different type of therapies, I could see that it was easier for me to understand what was going on during the kinesiology sessions, like if it was the last point to unblock things.
 
Fascinating! Thanks for sharing, ClaudiaYG.

In the last days I have been feeling like a veil had dropped from my eyes, life memories have been coming forward in relation to this vulnerability and sensibility that I could not accept 100% in the past.

I've been having black and white moments while thinking that being "strong" didn't help at all, but neither showing vulnerability. Yesterday I was telling my husband about this question ¿How to benefit myself and others from this sensibility? Helping others? Service? Some time ago I was giving art therapy to kids but I don't know if that is the path at this moment. But I have that question in my head. ¿How to build back that filter so that life experiences aren't felt like the end of the world? ¿How to balance strong and sensitivity?

Well, maybe you ARE strong, just not in the ways you told yourself or were programmed to believe you were? And maybe you can train that sensitivity to work for others, indeed. Something happens when you are focusing on giving, and then, your own problems stop feeling like the end of the world. You are obviously strong when facing all these painful realizations, so, that's a plus!

You have come a long way regarding your condition. Is there any kind of group or non-profit that helps people who have those issues too, where you could work or volunteer? (I don't know, maybe you don't feel that's the right thing either, so, you'll know better.)

I wouldn't worry too much about it being an attachment, a cellular memory (or maybe even a past life??). Any of those theories, as hard as they are to prove, show that these feelings are intense and real for you. And that you can work through them. Maybe your grandfather (or whatever he may represent), would like you to overcome that fear so that that trauma is healed. Perhaps a way to start would be volunteering somewhere, so that it's not a "job", but it's an activity you like, which helps others and "gets you moving freely" (related to your condition). And then, little by little, you can figure out what you'd like to do for a job, and take more steps when you are ready, without causing pain to your body? Like getting it to move slowly in something you feel creative and useful doing? That would be productive, I think.

Last time I visited my family, I got to learn several secrets, and it was quite amazing. Not only had a similar story repeated itself throughout generations, but also, I could relate it with parts of my own life. So, I do think there is something there. I find it very helpful, and every time I think of those "secrets", and how several people in my family suffered a lot from them, I try to tell myself that if I was born within that family (including traumas of people I never got to meet), then there was probably a reason for it: because I needed to learn related lessons. So, it's a challenge that is interesting. Painful and hard, like for everyone else, but worth a try, IMO.
 
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