For some months I've been doing Family Constellations therapy. On Monday, November 21st I had a session in which I wanted to address having a job, because I've had difficulty keeping a job for long and I want to be productive and able to earn my own money, and also because every time I started working the symptoms of the autoimmune disease I suffer from came back.
In Family Constellations you work with the information around the family, for example, the therapist would always ask how your grandparents died, if your mom or grandmoms had abortions, family secrets, how was the interaction between them and the rest of the family, the order in which the children were born, whether there were tragic deaths, etc. I am only doing individual therapy and the method used there is with little figures, like action figures and these objects play the role of the family members, if the therapy was to be done in a group, real persons would come in as the family representatives.
Since I have been taking these therapies I've been interested in my family history as didn't have much information, just the basics. Before the 21st therapy, me and my husband went to visit an aunt who was pretty much like a second grandmother, my dad's sister, and told me a lot of stories that I only knew partially. The one that impacted me the most was that my grandfather, her father, was probably poisoned as a results of envy and jealousy at the workplace. The official story said he had a heartattack, but my aunt told me that when he arrived at the hospital he was already dead, and some doctor told them that he had strange bruises and spots that indicated poisoning, but my grandmother didn't want them to perform an autopsy.
As my aunt was telling the story I wanted to cry desperately, as if I was feeling all the pain they went through, but mostly for my grandfather. I remember having a big picture of him when I was a little girl so I asked her if she still had it. She still had it and went to another room to get it and when she brought it back I had a very strange feeling, as if I was seeing myself in his eyes. My grandfather died young, and my dad does not remember him as he was very young too, perhaps 3 or 4 years old. I'd like to describe the whole session, but I am afraid I might not be able to do it properly as it is complex and I am still processing it, so I'll write about the conclusions and how I've felt after it.
Another things is that when I entered states of never ending crying, usually at night, one of the strongest narratives I had was "I AM NOT SEEN" and I always felt it was someone else saying it instead of me. A couple of therapies ago the therapist told me that that phrase is typical within the family system when someone died tragically, or committed suicide, or was murdered, and the family does not talk about it, so the person is defined as excluded. At that moment I didn't know enough about my grandfather to connect it.
One of the conclusions I arrived to from the session was a memory that said that work=death, or work=something-bad-is-going-to-happen, relating it to what happened to my grandfather. And it makes sense because when I work my body starts aching or I get scared. My dad was successful in the workplace and the information that came through in the session said that my dad didn't let himself be intimidated and therefore he was able to grow, but this didn't happen with my grandfather, and so it is like I was more connected with my grandfather. I don't know if it is an attachment or cellular memories, I still don't have that clear.
The last thing that came up during this session, and that I am now reflecting on, sad about, and in confusion is that I am sensible to a lot of things, is like I didn't develop a filter to decide what could affect me and what not, or to what degree, and so I am exposed. It hurts to realize this as now I see I deceive myself for years thinking I was a strong woman, that keeping quiet and not saying things was a sign of strength and capacity to do a lot of things at the same time, believing I wasn't vulnerable, contained all the time and I think my body was screaming through rigidity, while I knew that within I felt very fragile, and scared. My family seeing that I was fragile and vulnerable but i could not recognize it.
In the last days I have been feeling like a veil had dropped from my eyes, life memories have been coming forward in relation to this vulnerability and sensibility that I could not accept 100% in the past.
I've been having black and white moments while thinking that being "strong" didn't help at all, but neither showing vulnerability. Yesterday I was telling my husband about this question ¿How to benefit myself and others from this sensibility? Helping others? Service? Some time ago I was giving art therapy to kids but I don't know if that is the path at this moment. But I have that question in my head. ¿How to build back that filter so that life experiences aren't felt like the end of the world? ¿How to balance strong and sensitivity?
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Family_Constellations
In Family Constellations you work with the information around the family, for example, the therapist would always ask how your grandparents died, if your mom or grandmoms had abortions, family secrets, how was the interaction between them and the rest of the family, the order in which the children were born, whether there were tragic deaths, etc. I am only doing individual therapy and the method used there is with little figures, like action figures and these objects play the role of the family members, if the therapy was to be done in a group, real persons would come in as the family representatives.
Since I have been taking these therapies I've been interested in my family history as didn't have much information, just the basics. Before the 21st therapy, me and my husband went to visit an aunt who was pretty much like a second grandmother, my dad's sister, and told me a lot of stories that I only knew partially. The one that impacted me the most was that my grandfather, her father, was probably poisoned as a results of envy and jealousy at the workplace. The official story said he had a heartattack, but my aunt told me that when he arrived at the hospital he was already dead, and some doctor told them that he had strange bruises and spots that indicated poisoning, but my grandmother didn't want them to perform an autopsy.
As my aunt was telling the story I wanted to cry desperately, as if I was feeling all the pain they went through, but mostly for my grandfather. I remember having a big picture of him when I was a little girl so I asked her if she still had it. She still had it and went to another room to get it and when she brought it back I had a very strange feeling, as if I was seeing myself in his eyes. My grandfather died young, and my dad does not remember him as he was very young too, perhaps 3 or 4 years old. I'd like to describe the whole session, but I am afraid I might not be able to do it properly as it is complex and I am still processing it, so I'll write about the conclusions and how I've felt after it.
Another things is that when I entered states of never ending crying, usually at night, one of the strongest narratives I had was "I AM NOT SEEN" and I always felt it was someone else saying it instead of me. A couple of therapies ago the therapist told me that that phrase is typical within the family system when someone died tragically, or committed suicide, or was murdered, and the family does not talk about it, so the person is defined as excluded. At that moment I didn't know enough about my grandfather to connect it.
One of the conclusions I arrived to from the session was a memory that said that work=death, or work=something-bad-is-going-to-happen, relating it to what happened to my grandfather. And it makes sense because when I work my body starts aching or I get scared. My dad was successful in the workplace and the information that came through in the session said that my dad didn't let himself be intimidated and therefore he was able to grow, but this didn't happen with my grandfather, and so it is like I was more connected with my grandfather. I don't know if it is an attachment or cellular memories, I still don't have that clear.
The last thing that came up during this session, and that I am now reflecting on, sad about, and in confusion is that I am sensible to a lot of things, is like I didn't develop a filter to decide what could affect me and what not, or to what degree, and so I am exposed. It hurts to realize this as now I see I deceive myself for years thinking I was a strong woman, that keeping quiet and not saying things was a sign of strength and capacity to do a lot of things at the same time, believing I wasn't vulnerable, contained all the time and I think my body was screaming through rigidity, while I knew that within I felt very fragile, and scared. My family seeing that I was fragile and vulnerable but i could not recognize it.
In the last days I have been feeling like a veil had dropped from my eyes, life memories have been coming forward in relation to this vulnerability and sensibility that I could not accept 100% in the past.
I've been having black and white moments while thinking that being "strong" didn't help at all, but neither showing vulnerability. Yesterday I was telling my husband about this question ¿How to benefit myself and others from this sensibility? Helping others? Service? Some time ago I was giving art therapy to kids but I don't know if that is the path at this moment. But I have that question in my head. ¿How to build back that filter so that life experiences aren't felt like the end of the world? ¿How to balance strong and sensitivity?
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Family_Constellations