I'm listening...

I am honored to be a member of the FOTCM. I have been showing translations of the Prayer of the Soul to my coworkers in their native languages and explaining that my church is not a physical building, but something growing inside all of us that one day may be manifested in the physical (or para-physical) world. I am encouraging friends and family to try the Éiriú Eolas program, explaining the benefits I have received from it. Currently, my job requires me to work lots of overtime just to get through each month, but I'm considering applying for a different job that would pay more appropriately for the costs of living so that I wouldn't have to work 50 and 60 hour weeks every week. I try to spend the majority of my free time with my partner, which leaves little for my own projects. One of my faults (a common fault of Geminis such as myself, as I have read in many descriptions of my sun sign) is to spread my energy over several projects, never completing any and always starting new ones as my interests ebb and flow. I am also reaffirming a commitment to do The Work and follow a spiritual path in the face of my current circumstances and challenges. I know that I lack discipline and focus, and my conscience tells me that if I follow through with these affirmations that I can discipline and focus myself, shed old programs that are no longer necessary, and live a happier, healthier life.

I have been in a state of mental crisis over the past year or so as I sense the approaching time when world events will shock some people awake, and open them up to the possibility of seeking answers. I wish to be available to provide what answers I can give based on the knowledge I have applied in my life, but it comes with anxiety that I will be misunderstood (one of my greatest fears.) In a sense, I have been hiding parts of myself because I felt there would come a time when I knew it would be appropriate to unmask myself and show people who I really am and tell them what I really believe, which of course is very unconventional. I've since come to realize that no time is more appropriate than NOW. I must stop hiding parts of myself, I must shine the light of truth inwards, and face these fears. Those who do not understand will do what they will, and I can't control that. I've felt since I was a teenager that I had some destiny to help mankind, deep down inside, and not in any messianic or egotistical way. I humble myself before the role I've chosen to play on some level. I am not special, no more than anyone else. I am just another human trying to figure out my place in the scheme of things. I will never stop learning, because I focus on the process, not the product. Cyclical learning, not linear. If I share my knowledge with someone who is seeking answers, I do so cautiously, for my tendency to grow zealous and "over-share" has come back to bite me in the past. I must first admit to myself and the other that none of us has all the answers, that each person should do their own seeking and soul-searching, and that my function can only be one who suggests to someone that they look into this or that and decide for themselves what is useful and what is not relevant to their search for answers.

I must strike a balance between planting seeds of thought and respecting the Free Will of others who may not want to hear everything I have to say. I rely on my intuition and reading peoples' reactions when I am overstepping my bounds, or getting close to it. I'm perfect in my imperfection, I believe everything is unfolding as it should (I still see number synchronicities like 11:11 frequently that help to reinforce this belief.) I'm an optimist, and yet I must get over this mental crisis, relax, and just let myself be as I am instead of saving things inside for the "right moment." That moment will never come for me, because that moment is NOW. So easy it is to forget about the big picture and get sucked into life's little dramas. Sometimes it takes great effort to pull back and refocus on the big picture. I'm an optimist not because of what the C's have told us about "Change will follow" and "Living through the turmoil ahead will be viewed as ecstasy with the proper perspective." I'm an optimist because deep down inside I know all my eccentricities and personal challenges are serving a higher purpose, that of serving others, and I devote myself to this purpose.

This is my current situation and I look to my church to help guide me through this. I re-read the statement of principles, I practice Éiriú Eolas, and I continue my affirmations to change old, negative programming into new, positive programming. I hope some of my fellows can relate to this, by writing it I am forcing myself to admit to things I intentionally avoid thinking about. I hope that as a Listener I am following an appropriate spiritual path and that I can bring something positive to the Fellowship.

Thanks for "listening,"

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