Intellectual jokes

[Keit]

I stumbled upon some intellectual jokes.

A Roman senator arrives late for a session and finds that Cicero is already in the middle of one of his long speeches. After trying to catch up for a few minutes he gives up and asks another senator, "what is he talking about now?" and the man replies: "I don't know, we're still waiting for the verb".

A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5ft to the left, the chemist takes a shot and misses 5ft to the right, the statistician yells "We got 'em!"

Who does Polyphemus hate more than Odysseus?
Nobody

So, after a long day's work in the lab, Pavlov sits down in the pub for a cold beer and some snacks. Everything's calm, until somebody rings the bell for the waiter. Pavlov immediately tenses up, jumps from his chair (almost knocking over his pint), exclaiming: "Holy shit! I have to feed the damn dog!"

A physicist runs a red light, and a cop pulls her over.
"Ma'am," says the cop, "you just ran a red light."
"It looked like it was green to me, officer."
The cop writes her a ticket for speeding instead.

A Roman senator walks into a bar and orders a martinus. The bartender looks at him quizzically and says, "you mean a martini?"
The senator shakes his head and replies, "no thanks, just one."

What is the difference between a cat and a complex sentence? A cat has claws at the end of its paws and a complex sentence has a pause at the end of its clause!

A physicist, a chemist, and an economist are lost in the woods and their only food is a can of soup, but none of them has a can opener. The physicist says, "I can solve this. I'll climb to the top of that tree and drop the can. The impact with the ground will cause it to open." The chemist says, "I've got a solution. We'll build a fire and put the can over it and the pressure from the heat will cause it to open." The economist says, "Okay, let's assume we have a can opener."

Two philosophers are walking down the street. They see two women screaming at each other across the street from opposite houses. "You see", says one philosopher to the other, "these women can never agree, because they are arguing from different premises".

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of red, they lay down for the night and went to sleep.
Some hours later Holmes woke up, nudged his faithful friend and said, "Watson, I want you to look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson said, "I see millions and millions of stars."
Sherlock said, "And what does that tell you?"
After a minute or so of pondering Watson said, "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Metereologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day today. What does it tell you?"
Holmes was silent for about 30 seconds and said, "Watson, you idiot! Someone has stolen our tent!"

 

[beetlemaniac]

Thanks Keit. It was a good way to stop and smell the roses. I was not sure about why the traffic cop gave the physicist a speeding ticket though

 

[sid]

Thanks Keit. It was a good way to stop and smell the roses. I was not sure about why the traffic cop gave the physicist a speeding ticket though

Possibly because he was too quick as by his own admission the light was not red. He must have sped up to cross on green per-empting it was about to turn yellow. I could be wiseacring, lol but that's how I understood it.

 

[Gawan]

Thanks for sharing and they gave a good laugh!

 

[maiko]

Thank you for sharing. The one about Pavlov was really good.

 

[lainey]

Thanks Keit. It was a good way to stop and smell the roses. I was not sure about why the traffic cop gave the physicist a speeding ticket though

Possibly because he was too quick as by his own admission the light was not red. He must have sped up to cross on green per-empting it was about to turn yellow. I could be wiseacring, lol but that's how I understood it.

I thought it was to do with the frequency and wavelength of light. Faster=green, slower=red.

Very funny jokes! Though I admit there were a couple I had to google to understand lol.

 

[Arwenn]

Thanks for sharing Keit, I enjoyed reading them :D There's something to be said for retaining a sense of humour in dark times.

 

[Keit]

Glad you liked them. Here's some more:

https://youtu.be/wbrbrzT56pU

 

[Redrock12]

Great jokes Keit. And very original.

 

[JGeropoulas]

Love all the high-brow humor, especially these three:

"we're still waiting for the verb"
"the statistician shouted 'we got him'"because of averaging of the missed shots at the deer
"arguing from different premises"

Thanks Keit. It was a good way to stop and smell the roses. I was not sure about why the traffic cop gave the physicist a speeding ticket though

I thought it meant since her defense was her subjective impression of seeing green vs. red, that the cop reciprocated with his subjective impression that she was speeding.

 

[anka]

Very funny, so they are. Thank you for sharing Keit

I came across this thread while searching for the right place where to put this one which is not so intellectual but made me laughing out loud nonetheless. It involves the current anti Russian hysteria (it arrived via FB as a meme written in Czech - excuse my stumbling translation):

'Long time ago the Russian winter helped to paralyze Napoleon's army, followed later on by helping to do the same to Hitler's Wehrmacht and this season she even managed, entirely on her own, to invade the US.'

 

[Pierre]

 

[pinkfreud]

Thanks Keit. It was a good way to stop and smell the roses. I was not sure about why the traffic cop gave the physicist a speeding ticket though

So lightspeed causes the color spectrum when not in a vacuum, and red travels the fastest as it has the lowest frequency.
The physicist was definitely traveling faster than the speed of (the traffic) light

 

[Arwenn]

Came across this on Telegram and thought it was clever

Barry John Futter
SCIENTISTS DISCOVER NEW ELEMENT

Oxford University researchers have discovered the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (symbol=Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called pillocks.

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2 to 6 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganisation in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganisation will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration.

This hypothetical quantity is referred to as a critical morass. When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium (symbol=Ad), an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium, since it has half as many pillocks but twice as many morons.

 

[Alejo]

Came across this on Telegram and thought it was clever

hahahahaha that was really good actually !