Is LONELY a program?

[seekr]

Lonely

1.
affected with, characterized by, or causing a depressing feeling of being alone; lonesome.
2.
destitute of sympathetic or friendly companionship, intercourse, support, etc.: a lonely exile.

Is Lonely a Program?.....

This is a question I’ve been asking myself for quite a while now and at least twice before, I started to write about this. But then, I got drunk……

I suppose it can be said that definition 1 is the feeling and definition 2 is the cause of definition 1. But is this really the case or is it that the lonely one is simply destitute as in a “hollow man” without substance?

One cannot love another, unless one first loves themselves. Yet if one loves themselves, and realizes they are simply part of a whole, then why should one be lonely? Is this realization, that one is part of a whole, simply a longing to reconnect with the whole?

Or is it a program, like pride, jealousy and self-importance? All of these can be emotional triggers and when triggered, can lead to destructive behavior.

I work with the public and speak to many, many people a day. My phone rings non-stop with clients and I’ve constant face to face interaction with people. I have flat mates, so it’s almost impossible to find solitude or peace and quiet. Yet, personally, some of my own, most self-destructive behavior has come from spells of loneliness. These include, drinking too much, staying in past relationships that I should have ended long before, spending $ that should have gone to better use, and sleeping with women simply because I could. These behaviors have been a distraction that have kept me from doing more constructive and positive things

I’ve quit drinking and I won’t stay in any relationship that is not pleasant and balanced, hence I’m single and have been for quite some time, I’m not looking either. None of these have killed me yet, but they have caused set-backs and a HUGE waste of time and energy.

What made me come to see lonely as a possible program is the loop pattern that it seems to involve. Also, it’s not a constant thing but seems to come at random times and when I seem to be too busy to notice the “emotional trigger” that sets off these behaviors.

Any feed-back is welcome, as I can’t quite see myself clearly on this one. A slap in the face may be what is needed to clear my vision.



EDIT: syntax errors

 

[seekr]

Although this quote is from another thread dealing partly with isolation and lack of connection to people society, it seems to have some good insights about the dynamics of the trigger.....

I just feel a bit stuck. I cant read much atm - mainly because my physcological crap drains so much energy out of me, flashbacks etc.
Im aware of how important knowledge and understanding is, when in the past i thought intention was all that mattered.

It sounds like you need a break from reading and perhaps time out to be gentle on yourself and allow for processing. The predators mind has a habbit of driving healing processes to hard (in order to keep the wound open).
Pipe breathing/EE (without the BaHa) portion would be good. Hot baths with epson salts or a swim in the sea (if its not too cold). Walks on the beach, woods, parks or anywhere generally tranquil and relaxing. Listening to positive music or watching your favourite film. Cooking yourself something nice to eat and taking time to enjoy it.
In short, take on the role of carer and nurse (make that your focus - tending to your needs) as your wounds heal and you process.

Ive never been a social 'butterfly' lol.
So how does a person start trying to connect with people more aware in the 3D world? Who are more concious of their behaviour?
I feel torn. On one hand the people i knew from 'pre-awareness' offer me some sort of connection, but it often just feels like a drain.

It may be worth (gently) asking why at the moment you need to connect to others, when you probably need to be focusing on healing and caring for yourself?

This quote bares repeating, as it applies equally to being around toxic people too.

http://cassiopaea.org/forum/index.php?topic=22855.0

Q: (Burma Jones) What do they mean by “psychic hygiene”?

A: Being careful about what you allow into your ”field”.

Q: (L) In what sense?

A: All senses.

Q: (L) What do you mean “all senses”?

A: Seeing, hearing, speaking, and so on

Q: (Ark) So, uh, I will tell a story about this “using all your senses”. A few days ago, I went out and I almost had an accident. I was driving on the interior peripherique - on the lane that was closest to the middle. There are three lanes. There was a guy behind me who was very unhappy that I was driving only 90kmh. He was swaying from left to right, trying to get past me and I could see it in the rear-view mirror. I looked to the right and realized I cannot do anything, because there was a car. I could see it.

So, I stayed. After about two minutes, you know, the one behind me again starts to act impatient behind me. But then, I look in the mirror again and the car to the right is gone. So I figure he must have moved somewhere else. Then I started to do {Ark makes descriptive hand gestures showing his driving maneuver} – only the car was there exactly in the right angle [to be in the blind spot.] But, uh, he was a young guy and he was fast. He steps on the brakes – and nothing happened, you see? I usually do not do such things. I was thinking very fast and that he must be gone, but I was not 100% sure. So, I should have waited until I was 100% sure. So, of course nothing happened, he just got upset.

A: We have more in mind. Take care with interacting with negative energies.

Q: (L) Well that’s kinda like creating your own reality, isn’t it?

A: Not what we mean… Keep your guard up and do not allow negative energies to slip by… such as believing lies… listening to negative music while thinking it is positive…watching negative movies and thinking it is negligible. It is extremely important to not lie to the self. One can listen or watch many things as long as the truth of the orientation is known, acknowledged, and understood. Clear?

Q: (L) So, in other words: awareness. Calling a spade a spade and not allowing something negative to enter you and believing it is positive. You can see it, perceive it and acknowledge it but not allow it to influence you. Because obviously, you cannot shut off your perceptions of the world, but you can control how it affects you. So, don’t let it inside, thinking it’s something that it’s not.

(Belibaste) So, see it as it is. If it is negative, see it as negative.

(L) Yeah, and they’re saying to focus on truth in order for changes to manifest in you that are positive. That is, “positive” can mean acknowledging that something is negative because it is truth.

Q: (Galatea) Choose the seeds you wish to water.

(L) Is that basically what we’re talking about here?

A: Yes

Q: (Ark) But I would say that everybody needs a panoramic retro-mirror.

A: Yes.

Q: (L) because that stuff sneaks up behind you and it gets in your blind spot.

Im guessing the LOA works at some level (im not sure what the C's have said about this) - so is it a case of just working on myself, and then naturally more 'self aware' people will come into my life? Or does one have to be far more pro-active? But where? Where do these people exist? lol.

There right here on this forum, all around you! :)
As to the LOA....not quite like that. Your life reflects who you are, how you interact with others and the universe and what you need to learn. If right now the lesson is to take care of the self, then this could manifest as feeling isolated (i.e. no one to take care of your needs) and things being 'blocked'.

Also - ive noticed that ive become far more vunerable since the start of this journey. While i see how society is conditioned (gradual process of course!), i cant allow myself to be this way conciously, so these walls come down - and its as if i naively think that the world will change around me to fit with my changes. (And it doesnt).

The defences going up (and looking to feed by seeking unhealthy social interactions) can be signs we are low/depleted of energy. So finding a way to recharge and back off from what is draining you is important.

Or is this journey just about 'being aware' and developing 2 different identitys, one true self which is to be hidden away for maybe my next incarnation? And one self that allows me to just survive in this world, and carry on with my 'work' for my next experience after i die? Should i just see this lifetime as one of work and sacrifice?

Another thing that tends to happen when we are depleted (and/or the predators mind has taken over) is our thoughts become black and white and morose.

Dont get me wrong, i have activities i enjoy is this life, i guess im talking about something much deeper.

As to the deeper, I'm picking up on a hint of depression (which is understandable). How is your sleep? Are you able to sleep in complete darkness?
You say your diet is good, are you eating plenty of good fats?

The following thread may help. Depression As A Stepping Stone (to Soul Growth)
Above all though, take it easy on yourself and take time out to recharge.

Thanks Redfox, although it wasn't a direct reply to this it still seems to apply, as I've been working in a very chaotic place for quite sometime and just recently they've hired a new manager that is so psychotic and full of BS it is very draining just to be here. Although I have almost no contact with this individual the energy that runs through the whole company and even the customers now, is very negative. He has only been in charge for 3 weeks and I've spent the last 2 weeks planning a strategic exit.

Not trying to be off topic, it just seems to me that in my original post, I mentioned, "What made me come to see lonely as a possible program is the loop pattern that it seems to involve. Also, it’s not a constant thing but seems to come at random times and when I seem to be too busy to notice the “emotional trigger” that sets off these behaviors." (drained) and this seems to be inline with that thought.

 

[axj]

I think a big part of the loneliness is caused by the emotional and psychological trauma we all receive as children. We suppress the pain, sadness and anger, so that it becomes subconscious, but this emotional trauma still gets triggered and comes to the surface from time to time.

It is similar to a conditioned program (mental) or a habit (physical), but it is on the emotional level.

Healing the emotional trauma is quite important, but it is also one of the most difficult things to do, as it involves facing all this suppressed pain, sadness, anger. Loneliness seems to be caused by the disconnect from the deeper self, which is blocked by the emotional trauma, mental blocks and habitual actions.

There can also be some authentic loneliness there, as in the longing for a deep connection with a partner. We are social beings and have social needs on different levels: need for friendship, need for intimate relationship... and one can not completely substitute the other.

 

[truth seeker]

As to the deeper, I'm picking up on a hint of depression (which is understandable). How is your sleep? Are you able to sleep in complete darkness?
You say your diet is good, are you eating plenty of good fats?

Hi seekr,

I would say that the questions RedFox posed above may be a good place for you to start. Perhaps there are physical issues that are driving your emotional state?

Also, it sounds as if you may dislike being alone. Rest assured that you're not the only person who experiences this! :) From what you've described in your initial post, it seems as if you you are 'fine' when you are surrounded by others yet don't 'like' being with yourself. Perhaps you have set your life up in such a way as to have people around you as a distraction to avoid being alone?

As axj said, this may point to emotional trauma. Did you find yourself constantly around people when you were growing up? How did you feel when you were around others then? How did you feel when you were alone then? Were you allowed to have moments of solitude at that time? Answering these questions in private or on the forum (if you wish) may hold the keys to the answers you are seeking.

 

[seekr]

As to the deeper, I'm picking up on a hint of depression (which is understandable). How is your sleep? Are you able to sleep in complete darkness?
You say your diet is good, are you eating plenty of good fats?

Hi seekr,

I would say that the questions RedFox posed above may be a good place for you to start. Perhaps there are physical issues that are driving your emotional state?

Also, it sounds as if you may dislike being alone. Rest assured that you're not the only person who experiences this! :) From what you've described in your initial post, it seems as if you you are 'fine' when you are surrounded by others yet don't 'like' being with yourself. Perhaps you have set your life up in such a way as to have people around you as a distraction to avoid being alone?

As axj said, this may point to emotional trauma. Did you find yourself constantly around people when you were growing up? How did you feel when you were around others then? How did you feel when you were alone then? Were you allowed to have moments of solitude at that time? Answering these questions in private or on the forum (if you wish) may hold the keys to the answers you are seeking.

Sleep is a possibility, as I used to live in the country where it was actually dark when the sun went down and the last several years have been spent in hotels camps and apartments, where it is never dark even at night not to mention the noise pollution of the city, where as in the country the only noise at night was the singing of frogs :)

I don't dislike being alone. Actually the last 2 holiday seasons I took advantage of everyone else's "going home" and just stayed by myself for the 7-10 days, reading, sleeping and thinking. At one point I realized it had been 4 days since I changed clothes or showered. What brought this to my attention was the new beard. :P Not because I was depressed, simply because I didn't have to be anywhere. I actually enjoyed the solitude. It was WAY past due. I think lack of solitude is a problem. Recently I traveled to the mountains for second degree Reiki. When I arrived for a one-on-one initiation, I found that the night before I arrived, my teacher's mother had fallen and been badly injured. So rather than a 2 day class it turned into 4 days because of my teacher needing to tend to family matters related to her mother, hospital and hiring of a long term attendant. I didn't mind at all, as it gave me 4 days of basic isolation in the mountains near a lake :) with some morning coffee and nice conversation then some tea at night and a little conversation before bed. It was quite relaxing

When I was growing up, I had 5 brothers and quite active in sports and boy scouts plus friends that would come to stay over or visa versa. But when I wanted to be alone I would go to the woods or the river and sometimes lay on the roof and watch the stars. Later in life I would take solo motorcycle rides, sometimes lasting a few days and camp solo. I also went with companions when I wanted company. As far as how I felt when alone or with others... Not sure about when with others. That would change according to the company and situation, but when alone, I was content and deep in thought or writing, drawing, reading or just observing nature.

So I don't think it's because I'm scared to be alone with myself and I don't need the TV or radio on all the time. I prefer peace and quite most times when at home, but when share living space with others, that seems to be an impossibility. Although just in the last month I went from living with 2 men, who always had sports on (and too loud at that), to living with one female flat mate, which seem to like quite also or at least low volume.

As for childhood trauma? Maybe, but I think that is mostly from your typical Judeo-Christian dogma. I'll think on that some and get back to you AXJ...

Thanks for the reply's

 

[Masamune]

I have been struggling with this same issue for quite some time now. I have felt isolated due to health issues and can very much relate to what Red Fox wrote above. I have had neurological issues which I think were triggered by a head injury about 10 years ago and since then have lost most interest in socializing with people. I think there are also a lot of programs involved with this as well. I found the following article helpful:

http://www.sott.net/articles/show/228018-Addressing-negative-thoughts-most-effective-in-fighting-loneliness

To determine the most effective method for reducing loneliness, Cacioppo and a team of researchers from the University of Chicago examined the long history of research on the topic. Published in the journal Personality and Social Psychology Review, their quantitative review found that the best interventions targeted social cognition rather than social skills or opportunities for social interaction.

The team's review, called a meta-analysis, analyzed the methods and results from dozens of papers that tested loneliness interventions. Strategies fell into four categories: improving social skills, increasing social support, creating opportunities for social interaction, and addressing social cognition.

When the researchers pooled the 20 studies that employed the most rigorous study design of randomized, controlled trials, they found a small, but significant effect on reducing loneliness. Sub-dividing the studies by their strategy revealed that interventions targeting social cognition - a person's thoughts about themselves and others - were far more effective than the other strategies.

"We're getting a better understanding of loneliness, that it's more of a cognitive issue and is subject to change," said Christopher Masi, MD, Assistant Professor of Medicine at the University of Chicago Medical Center and lead author of the study.

Specifically, the four interventions that helped people break the cycle of negative thoughts about self-worth and how people perceive them were the most effective at reducing loneliness. Studies that used cognitive-behavioral therapy, a technique also used for treating depression, eating disorders and other problems, were found to be particularly effective, the authors reported.

"Effective interventions are not so much about providing others with whom people can interact, providing social support, or teaching social skills as they are about changing how people who feel lonely perceive, think about, and act toward other people," Cacioppo said.

The quantitative analysis also examined whether group interventions were more effective than individual-based therapies for loneliness. Despite previous findings from qualitative reviews that favored group formats, the current review found no advantage for either group or individual interventions.

"That's not that surprising, because bringing a bunch of lonely people together is not expected to work if you understand the root causes of loneliness," Masi said. "Several studies have shown that lonely people have incorrect assumptions about themselves and about how other people perceive them. If you bring them all together, it's like bringing people with abnormal perceptions together, and they're not necessarily going to click."

I have been observing this in myself and I think it is accurate. I don't dislike people but I think that I automatically assume that people are not going to like me due to emotional programming that I have. I tend to avoid interactions because I assume I will be rejected or will not be good enough, and I do not want to experience more abandonment. So essentially these negative beliefs about myself and others are creating the situations where I feel abandoned. I feel inside that I am a good person and would be a good friend but being unable to connect with people due to this programming creates my feelings of loneliness, osit.

 

[cubbex]

What would be the difference between feeling anxious between people, I mean I don't really feel fear to be rejected, or abandonment, or do not want relationships. I like to have relationships and people with whom to be, etc, as normal. But sometimes is like some decay on my self-steem of my body or that feeling so similar to the movie "The Aviator", I drain attention so easily just being ther with my presence, by god and I don't like people staring at me haha, feel like some conspiracy againstme when there is no really, and this symptom is usual in people with social anxiety.

Have some of you comments, tips or advice to deal with this????

Another interesting behavior is that I may be with my friends but I need time to be alone, and not isolated from the world in a cave, I could be in a bar or restaurant, surrounded by people but alone, just me with me like taking a breath from others.

 

[axj]

What would be the difference between feeling anxious between people, I mean I don't really feel fear to be rejected, or abandonment, or do not want relationships. I like to have relationships and people with whom to be, etc, as normal. But sometimes is like some decay on my self-steem of my body or that feeling so similar to the movie "The Aviator", I drain attention so easily just being ther with my presence, by god and I don't like people staring at me haha, feel like some conspiracy againstme when there is no really, and this symptom is usual in people with social anxiety.

Have some of you comments, tips or advice to deal with this????

This occasional social anxiety can have emotional and mental causes. The mental causes can be beliefs or habitual mental chatter about how you think others see you, etc. Usually the emotional part of the problem is larger though. That is the suppressed emotional trauma from childhood.

The feeling that there is a "conspiracy" against you or intensely disliking being stared at - that seems to be suppressed emotional "stuff" coming to the surface. If you look more closely at the feelings you have in such situations, you may notice that there are very uncomfortable habitually suppressed feelings such as emotional pain, emptiness, sadness or anger below the "anxiety".

These suppressed feelings and the emotional trauma below them are a big obstacle in the Work, as they are blocking a deeper connection with the deeper, true self.

It can help to recapitulate instances like this and you can also look at other threads here where we talk about dealing with negative emotions and healing emotional trauma.

 

[cubbex]

I have some of them in the bookmark. The one feeling I recognize everytime I feel anxious is anger... like leave me alone, or take a breath. But I mean is kind of stupid to be in a social place with sometimex the anxious feeling, you know what is really causing this???

The always stupid expectations from others, I don't know what do they expect from me, I mean, sometimes they see me as someone that is going to be a bad!#% wolverine or feel curiosity about me haha.

:P About a trauma... well that's interesting, where did you take that????

I just know something related, and its maybe my tendency to schizotypal disorder, just the tendency because of my childhood problems and the feeling of rejection from my mother. And one symptom from that disorder is social anxiety, but reading about a real schizotypal person, god, they are really in the moon and they really have imagination, and well, I don feel conspiracy against me, I said or tried to say that it was something similar, I don´t really feel that unless is a bunch of gangsters stalking me hehe.

 

[axj]

About emotional trauma:

As you know, everybody has mental programs, such as limiting beliefs, "sacred cows", negative self-chatter and so on...

These mental programs were installed through social conditioning in childhood. That same social conditioning has resulted in emotional damage that needs to be dealt with. Some people have more emotional damage than others, but everybody has it.

The problem with emotional trauma is that it was suppressed and as such it is usually in the sub-conscious, below our conscious awareness.

The suppression even goes so far that parts of our personality fragment off in childhood and remain at the same age as when they split off. That part of emotional healing is the inner child work, to integrate these split-off fragments. At first, it may not be easy to recognize the difference between an inner child fragment and other, more 'simple' forms of emotional trauma.

All emotional trauma is usually suppressed, until it gets triggered by something - usually some situation that is similar to the situation in childhood when the emotional trauma was created in the first place.

It takes lots of effort and time to do the emotional healing, and it is a necessary part of the Work. Without a healed and strengthened emotional center, the Work can only go so far.

 

[Alada]

Yes, lonely is a program. Think of all that comes with it, observe yourself in that state, what the body likes to do then, the sort of things your attention is attracted to, what you feel like doing, and you will see that 'lonely' is hooked up with self-pity.

"Another thing that people must sacrifice is their suffering. It is very difficult also to sacrifice one's suffering. A man will renounce any pleasures you like but he will not give up his suffering. Man is made in such a way that he is never so much attached to anything as he is to his suffering. And it is necessary to be free from suffering. No one who is not free from suffering, who has not sacrificed his suffering, can work. Later on a great deal must be said about suffering. Nothing can be attained without suffering but at the same time one must begin by sacrificing suffering. Now, decipher what this means."

Remember it is not you that is lonely, the predator is lonely, predator wants something it feels it isn't getting.

Useful ways we can counter feeling lonely might be to focus on Aim: Work with and help others on the forum. Catch up on reading - maybe focusing on the problem at hand - see if you can dig a bit into the background of this program in yourself. Make yourself so busy working on your Aim that there is no time for the predator to run the programs.

 

[Menna]

I feel like is the quote above G means that suffering is neccisary for growth to a certaint extent sort of like depression as a stepping stone - but at some point you grow to where suffering is no longer needed you advance to the next rung on the latter and suffering can only hold you back and you need to let it go to advance - let go meaning stop identifying with it "This happened to me" "Remember when that happened" and it helps to realize the suffering helped in your growth this way you won't look at suffering in a negative light - this is just my take on it

 

[axj]

Remember it is not you that is lonely, the predator is lonely, predator wants something it feels it isn't getting.

While I agree with everything else you wrote, I tend to disagree on this one. The predator (or the "false personality") is certainly the main cause of all forms of loneliness. However, I think that it is us who feel the loneliness, and not the predator.

It seems that there are two forms of loneliness:

- The first form of loneliness seems to be a disconnect from the true, deeper self - caused by the 'predator', and all the baggage we carry in the mental and emotional centers.

- The second form of loneliness seems to be an "authentic loneliness" when the need for human companionship is not met.

 

[anart]

Remember it is not you that is lonely, the predator is lonely, predator wants something it feels it isn't getting.

While I agree with everything else you wrote, I tend to disagree on this one. The predator (or the "false personality") is certainly the main cause of all forms of loneliness. However, I think that it is us who feel the loneliness, and not the predator.

It seems that there are two forms of loneliness:

- The first form of loneliness seems to be a disconnect from the true, deeper self - caused by the 'predator', and all the baggage we carry in the mental and emotional centers.

- The second form of loneliness seems to be an "authentic loneliness" when the need for human companionship is not met.

I think you might be blurring some lines there. It is my understanding that loneliness is mechanical - it can't be anything other than mechanical since it is a reaction and, in that mechanical nature, it is an aspect of 'the predator'. Loneliness is 'lack' - it is not 'having' something/someone. It is also directly tied to, if not equal to, self-pity. That does not mean that it is not 'natural', as many mechanical reactions are 'natural'. Human beings are 'pack animals', as it were - so part of that hard wiring is directly linked to loneliness - but - that does not mean that there is something called 'authentic loneliness' that cannot be limited or wholly removed by a person's perception. I would imagine that if a human being were truly awake, at all times, and in full control of their machine and mind and states of consciousness, that they would never be lonely, because they would understand that they are never, really, alone. They would also have completely removed self-importance, and, thus, self-pity. fwiw.

 

[Mountain Crown]

I feel like is the quote above G means that suffering is neccisary for growth to a certaint extent sort of like depression as a stepping stone - but at some point you grow to where suffering is no longer needed you advance to the next rung on the latter and suffering can only hold you back and you need to let it go to advance - let go meaning stop identifying with it "This happened to me" "Remember when that happened" and it helps to realize the suffering helped in your growth this way you won't look at suffering in a negative light - this is just my take on it

To correctly understand Gurdjieff about suffering one needs to keep in mind his distinction between Conscious suffering and mechanical suffering, the latter having no value whatsoever.