Just a dog story

[loreta]

I would like to talk about something that has happened to me lately about a dog.

As some of you know, I have Colette, and recently I adopted Arturo. I also have a cat.

A little over a month ago a woman from a strange family in the neighbourhood came to my door to tell me if I wanted to take one of her dogs. (The last time I talked to her, before her coming to see me, I asked if she had a dog for me. It was before the arrival of Arturo at home.)

So she told me she has a Yorkshire to give. Do I wanted it? He's a tiny, cute Yorkshire and I couldn't say no. She had to give up her dogs because the landlord from where she was staying put them out. Besides, she tells me she's going to work she and her husband to the peninsula.

I take the dog and realized too late that he is not vaccinated, has no chip and is not neutered. Besides, he's not educated and pooped everywhere.

He's a strange dog, too. He spends all day in a chair. Moreover, something in me pushes him away, perhaps by association with the woman. I am angry with the woman and with me, by the way. There was a lot of anger in me. Specially against me that I fall again to follow my heart instead of my brain. So I felt irresponsible and childish. Immature.

After a month I decided to give it to the association that gave me Arturo. They will take care of him, vaccinate him, castrate him, put the chip on him and find him a family. But it took me a lot of pain to take the decision. During the last 2 weeks one side of me say yes, give it to the association, the other side say no, keep it. Meditation did not help me at all. I can see also that during the last 2 weeks my feet were very painful, something too much to the point that sometimes I had difficulty to walk. Very symbolic.

These are the facts grosso modo. But I want to share with you my emotions, which have been very difficult to deal with them. I felt extremely guilty because I felt like I was abandoning a situation that I might have faced. Also, I felt really bad because I feel like I didn't keep my promise to take care of this dog. I felt like I was betraying him, betraying myself, me the honourable person! Because in my mind I am an honourable person, a right person, a valiant human being! and this is not true at all. And felt bad betraying the woman even if I don't like her. I felt a coward. For saying yes and saying no. For doubting. For feeling vulnerable. For feeling human.

I discussed all this with the Latino team and they advised me to come to the forum and talk about it here. It's very difficult for me to talk about these emotions with others in part, I think, because here at home it's impossible to discuss emotional issues with my husband. I haven't been able to talk to him at this level for 35 years.

Plus it's hard for me to ask for help. Tonight with the Latino team I finally asked for help, for listening. it's very moving when someone listens to you. I'm very grateful for that.

Eventually the dog will stay with me for a few more days. We decided (the association and me) it was the best thing for him. This week the Yorkshire will be vaccinated, neutered and possibly in 3 weeks he will be adopted by a German family. This association sends many abandoned dogs to Germany. I'm actually very happy for the dog.

The emotions I experienced with this dog prove that I still have so many things to deal with. I sometimes feel like I didn't understand anything, that I didn't advance one inch. That I did not learn anything! About me. It is so frustrating, you know.

Thank you for listening to me. I thank the Spanish team too. If you have advice on how to deal with these emotions I appreciate your comments. Perhaps you have experienced similar situations. Yet it was just a dog story.


Thank you.


Translated with www.DeepL.com/Translator

 

[mkrnhr]

Hello loreta,
I think you made the right decision, even if it looks painful at the moment. You are not responsible for the early education of this dog so you are not obliged to suffer because of that.

Also, you don't need to be harsh with yourself. You made a mistake, you corrected it, so the only thing you can do now is to decide how to avoid replicating that error if a similar situation presents itself in the future. If you learn that in a conscious way, all that happened would not be in vain.

 

[Navigator]

Hello Loreta, I'll say the same thing. Although it is very painful to realize we have caved in to learned automatic responses, to come to an understanding of the situation and take action toward the right thing is acting responsible. And you can see it is the right decision, now the dog will be better off than in its original situation.

As we also said during the meeting, it sounds like this is more about that overwhelming guilt you felt than about the dog, the dog triggered the response. And even if there are deeper issues to attend to, at least acknowledge that you had the courage to act in the right direction.

 

[KJN]

He's a strange dog, too. He spends all day in a chair. Moreover, something in me pushes him away, perhaps by association with the woman. I am angry with the woman and with me, by the way. There was a lot of anger in me. Specially against me that I fall again to follow my heart instead of my brain. So I felt irresponsible and childish. Immature.

During the last 2 weeks one side of me say yes, give it to the association, the other side say no, keep it. Meditation did not help me at all. I can see also that during the last 2 weeks my feet were very painful, something too much to the point that sometimes I had difficulty to walk. Very symbolic.

These are the facts grosso modo. But I want to share with you my emotions, which have been very difficult to deal with them. I felt extremely guilty because I felt like I was abandoning a situation that I might have faced. Also, I felt really bad because I feel like I didn't keep my promise to take care of this dog. I felt like I was betraying him, betraying myself, me the honourable person! Because in my mind I am an honourable person, a right person, a valiant human being! and this is not true at all. And felt bad betraying the woman even if I don't like her. I felt a coward. For saying yes and saying no. For doubting. For feeling vulnerable. For feeling human.

It's very difficult for me to talk about these emotions with others in part, I think, because here at home it's impossible to discuss emotional issues with my husband. I haven't been able to talk to him at this level for 35 years.

Plus it's hard for me to ask for help. .... I'm actually very happy for the dog. The emotions I experienced with this dog prove that I still have so many things to deal with. I sometimes feel like I didn't understand anything, that I didn't advance one inch. That I did not learn anything! About me. It is so frustrating, you know.

Thank you for listening to me. I thank the Spanish team too. If you have advice on how to deal with these emotions I appreciate your comments. Perhaps you have experienced similar situations. Yet it was just a dog story.

Situations present themselves to us that triggers responses we sometimes regret, try to make sense of, rework them in our minds to understand our reactions - and then we beat ourselves up over them. So here's an idea that might offer something: Perhaps the dog came briefly into your life to help you make these self-discoveries and recognize/acknowledge the emotional responses that needed exploration. Perhaps thinking of this encounter as a gift, a benefit, will release you from the angst of the decision and allow you the opportunity to appreciate this event from a different perspective. When the dog has to leave, you can thank him for his service. And, because of you, he will be going to a new home where he will be loved and cared for - and he can thank you in return.

 

[loreta]

Thank you for your words! you are all right. When we are in the turmoil of emotions we can not see the right side, just I have the tic to see the bad side. Talking with the Spanish team yesterday and reading your comments helped me to see things with more clarity. In fact I am a person who always see the good in a situation but in this one something was different. I started to read (I am late in my lectures) the book about trauma.

It is also about control. You can not control everything. And the fact that not anything is about ourselves. In that case there is this dog that need a new family.

Thank you!

 

[Voyageur]

Hello loreta,
I think you made the right decision, even if it looks painful at the moment. You are not responsible for the early education of this dog so you are not obliged to suffer because of that.

Also, you don't need to be harsh with yourself. You made a mistake, you corrected it, so the only thing you can do now is to decide how to avoid replicating that error if a similar situation presents itself in the future. If you learn that in a conscious way, all that happened would not be in vain.

Hi loreta,

Fwiw, mkmhr summed up my initial thoughts, which you seem to have worked through - was reminded of the white-knight syndrome which for some people can includes animals, and that is a hard one because they are dependent and pull on heartstrings and sometimes it is so difficult to not say no. However, perhaps by taking him in, talking about it with the Latino team, bringing it up here, you did what the original owner could not do, which was to care for her dog, by matching the dog with the shelter who will take care of its veterinarian needs while hooking the dog up with a new home, with new people who will take good care of him. You actually said at the end "I'm actually very happy for the dog" and that is what counts. Perhaps in a way you were the dogs midwife between an owner that did not want him (seems they took no steps to care for its veterinarian needs in society) and his ultimate destination; a new home.

ps. Just curious, wanted to know how your other animals reacted to him, too, which you did not say?

 

[loreta]

Hello loreta,
I think you made the right decision, even if it looks painful at the moment. You are not responsible for the early education of this dog so you are not obliged to suffer because of that.

Also, you don't need to be harsh with yourself. You made a mistake, you corrected it, so the only thing you can do now is to decide how to avoid replicating that error if a similar situation presents itself in the future. If you learn that in a conscious way, all that happened would not be in vain.

Hi loreta,

Fwiw, mkmhr summed up my initial thoughts, which you seem to have worked through - was reminded of the white-knight syndrome which for some people can includes animals, and that is a hard one because they are dependent and pull on heartstrings and sometimes it is so difficult to not say no. However, perhaps by taking him in, talking about it with the Latino team, bringing it up here, you did what the original owner could not do, which was to care for her dog, by matching the dog with the shelter who will take care of its veterinarian needs while hooking the dog up with a new home, with new people who will take good care of him. You actually said at the end "I'm actually very happy for the dog" and that is what counts. Perhaps in a way you were the dogs midwife between an owner that did not want him (seems they took no steps to care for its veterinarian needs in society) and his ultimate destination; a new home.

ps. Just curious, wanted to know how your other animals reacted to him, too, which you did not say?

So beautiful what you said Voyageur, the way you said it. Thank you because now, after posting all this Sunday night, I can see things under this perspective and it is like something heavy was lift on my shoulders. It was also very healing for me to be able to ask help from the Spanish team, something that is very hard for me to ask for help. To be fragile in front of others is new for me, to feel in need of help and go for it is like wind in my head. Very good.

My other dogs reacted like me, indifferent, like he was not here. Now Arturo try to play with him when we go in the patio, but this little Yorkshire does know how to play, so this is a symptom that he was not very well where he was. But he is very gentle, very delicate. I can see him in a family with a little kid or with seniors. For me he is too "doll". I like dogs that are wild, like Arturo. Or big, huge dogs.

Thank you everyone for your help. I feel in peace, now. I know that I need to work about my emotions, but that is another story. :)

 

[Konstantin]

I also think that you made a right decision. As I can see it will be the best for you and for the dog. When you listened to your hard and you said yes to that woman, you didnt know some details about that dog that later make a lot of difference for you.
So, using your mind instead of your heart is a good choice.

The guilt that you are feeling is probably some program running inside you. You told yourself that you have abandoned the dog so a result of that you are feeling guilty. But the point is that you haven't abandoned the dog, You have just found a better solution for that dog and for you. Don't pressure yourself about that, you made a good decision.

And as others have said, try to learn from this situation and apply that knowledge in some future similar situations consciously. If you can do that, you are one step up in understanding your machine and learning about it.

 

[Phill4]

I agree it may be best to let him go, something that comes to mind was the initial reaction to adopt the dog and follow your heart, there may be alot behind this reaction almost as if you would save any dog if you could.

It also seems like the dog and you are not compatible, and that is not necessarily a bad thing, just like picking and choosing friends and acquaintances from different circles, you wouldn't discuss hyperdimentional politics with a priest friend, simply because there are differences and both have a different path in that regard.
The dog is probably in need of a different type of person with whom the dynamic is coo-linear. (there are people who prefer standoffish dogs more than too active)

Dogs also have emotions and a nervous system, they have personalities and not all personalities are for everyone.

Something that seems to trouble you is the promise, I think that a promise needs to have a purpose, what is the central purpose of the promise?? is it benefit the dog? or is it to fulfill the promise, sticking to your word?
I am sure the former option, you would be looking for the benefit of the dog above all else, and I think that as long as you do everything in your power to do what is best for the dog you would be serving others.
The promise can become a limitation , remember you did this in a reaction, but when you try to be conscious about the dog as a living being, directing your energy in looking for what is best for the dog IMO would override the promise of adoption.


It just seems that it troubles you for something deeper, maybe "breaking your promise" causes a sense of failure but sometimes we need to flow with the circumstances that arise and change the course of action to accommodate the changes, to not always be fixed in a certain plan and that is not failing simply adjusting one's stance for a better outcome, or maybe guilt, that you are in some way neglecting the dog, ignoring the needs you see in him, and unable to better help the situation, but you are not, the dog is probably in the best hands at the present point in time, because the previous owners simply wouldn't be able to make a responsible conscious decision but you probably can.

 

[loreta]

Yes Konstantin and Felipe, as others and you said, now I know that it is the best thing for the destiny of the dog. I was egoistical and just thinking about me, I can see that.

About the promise I do, and this idea that I have to do what I promised, this is a problem sometimes for me. Because this promise is transformed in a question of honour. Like, I am a very serious person, I keep my promises. I can see this is non-sense. It makes me in situations that I don't want to be, or doing things that I regret. To be an honourable person was very important for my father. It is very similar to pride. But the bad side of pride. He was very rigid, also. Like me. I am so surprise to see that I am rigid like him.

About the dog and this sensation of abandoning him, I remember my mother that was always abandoning dogs that were not enough good for her. Myself I abandoned some animals when I was young, like my mother. Some nights remembering these actions of me in the past make me feel very sad, shameful. So in my mind, to pay for what wrong I did in the past concerning these abandonments, I made the promise to not abandon any more a dog or a cat that comes to my life. (And hopefully I don't have a house to take care of the stray dogs or cats.) Like paying for what you did wrong, a sort of sacrifice, a penitence. This hurts a lot, to see this rigidity in oneself. That goes, evidently, beyond dogs and cats.

Thank you...

 

[Nienna]

About the dog and this sensation of abandoning him, I remember my mother that was always abandoning dogs that were not enough good for her. Myself I abandoned some animals when I was young, like my mother. Some nights remembering these actions of me in the past make me feel very sad, shameful. So in my mind, to pay for what wrong I did in the past concerning these abandonments, I made the promise to not abandon any more a dog or a cat that comes to my life. (And hopefully I don't have a house to take care of the stray dogs or cats.) Like paying for what you did wrong, a sort of sacrifice, a penitence. This hurts a lot, to see this rigidity in oneself. That goes, evidently, beyond dogs and cats.

Thank you...

The thing is, loreta, you did not abandon this dog. Abandoning him would have been to just put him out of your house and do nothing for him. You did not do this. You conscientiously and responsibly found a good place for him - the place where you got your new dog from - knowing that they will take care of his veterinary needs and find him a home where he will fit in. This is not abandonment, this is doing the right thing for the right reasons; to help him find a home with people who are a match for him.

 

[hesperides]

I also had to give cats and a dog away many years ago, and so I can easily put myself in your shoes as this was one of the most difficult thing I´ve had to come to term with, not knowing how to overcome the sadness and a feeling of having been kind of unfair in the way I managed these situations.

I subscribe to what others have echoed here and elsewhere, that "Healing development trauma" provides
inordinate and profound insights around why we are the way we are, that is confused, doubting endlessly, repeating over and over the same patterns of thinking, and so on. It´s the best book I´ve read so far about psychologic defenses, I tell you. It might surely help you soften your pain by understanding for example how intimately shame, pride and guilt are working together, although as painful as they are to experience in our daily life, you eventually come to appreciate the fact they still are the fire within us that pushes us towards the realization of our unknown and mysterious potential.

You once said that animals mirror human´s state of being, that your dogs are reflecting the kind of person you are and that as painful as this may feel sometimes, that you thank them for this opportunity. I think this is so because mainly they don´t judge us, so there´s no need resorting to our usual defenses. But even then, we can inadvertently project all of our joy on the animal itself, not realizing how empowered we feel because self protective judgments with all their dramas they are creating are momentarily absent.

I´ve been there too, and even I had some awareness that I was the one creating this kind of suffering, it wasn't enough to help me out of the trap. On the contrary, this partial awareness would only give raise to more shame, judgments, and ultimately in my case here, a kind of self abandonment. The healing book also really makes it clear how hardwired we are at splitting as soon as we sense a danger, be it real or not. We know it has been a lifesaver for many as a child, but a corruption of who we are once we´re adults.

As you already said above, you´re going to read it, and I hope it will help you too and be as quite revealing as it was for me. :)

 

[ApotheosisMMC.]

excuse my ignorance, could clarify a bit the issue of foots pain? ... I am curious because to my house arrived a very shy bitch abandoned and I adopted it about 2 months ago (add that before this came another it lasted 4 days because it was run over) ... but continuing at the time of acquiring it started a huge inflammation in my heels that for luck has ceased ... probably with all certainty it is just that I spend a lot of time standing in my work. ..but I consult if there are things that maybe I'm not seeing.thanks

 

[loreta]

Nienna, yes, I know. I am not abandoning him. I take care of him, looked for a solution. Suddenly I have the sensation that all of this has to do about responsibility. How it is important to be responsible. And my dilemma, my pain inside, was about "Am I enough responsible for this dog even if I let him go?" I don't want to be like my mother, or like me years ago, an irresponsible. The pain in me, the sadness to see that maybe I did not change at all, that I was like years before. I can see now that no, I am responsible. The question is: how come I did not see that I was responsible?

Hesperides, thank you for share your experience and your comment. Remember also the story I told you: when I was 5 years old we left France to go to live in Spain. And I remember we left by car and my parents abandoned our dog that was following the car while we left the village. This image is like a tattoo in my heart. Guilt and shame at the same time, of my parents and of me also incapable to talk about it with them and deal with it. In my life I repeat 2 or 3 times the same thing: me too I have abandoned an animal. And as I said, some nights I ask myself: how can you have done this? why?

I started to read the book but for now it is too soon to see insights.


Matías, my pain in my feet are another issue I will have to work and maybe the book about healing will help me. I just know that I started to have feet problem when we moved to Canada, at 12 years old. And this problem I still have. But these days the pain was extra-strong. I think there is a link between my feet and my soul. When I am lost and not centered my feet make me suffer more. This is very symbolic: when we are lost we are like someone who are without roots. And feet can be a symbol of roots. For me, anyway. Like the head. My pain is less strong these days since Sunday. I take care of my feet also, more consciously, do massages.

Again thank you.

 

[Nienna]

Nienna, yes, I know. I am not abandoning him. I take care of him, looked for a solution. Suddenly I have the sensation that all of this has to do about responsibility. How it is important to be responsible. And my dilemma, my pain inside, was about "Am I enough responsible for this dog even if I let him go?" I don't want to be like my mother, or like me years ago, an irresponsible. The pain in me, the sadness to see that maybe I did not change at all, that I was like years before. I can see now that no, I am responsible. The question is: how come I did not see that I was responsible?

I am going to take the last sentence as a non-rhetorical question and make a comment. :)

It could be that you have been so focused on not repeating what your mother did that it blinded you to anything else. Fear is one of the most debilitating things and dampens our ability to think straight if it is too overwhelming. Maybe you already knew this and my reply isn't necessary. If this is so then good for you! If not, good for you for wanting to get to the bottom of this! Onwards and upwards! :)