Lack of firmness in interaction with others

Ellipse

The Living Force
FOTCM Member
I noticed I tend toward lack of firmness with colleagues sometime. I mean to be distant with someone who deserve it, is not something easy, especially when the person try to "buy" you by being friendly and you fall.

It's not easy because it's intellectually uncomfortable to work in an environment with tensions. When tensions come from a clear problem it's ok, but it's not always the case. Grey zones exist. For example someone have a non professional attitude, you see it but you can't point it to the person because you don't manage the person.

If someone already lived such situations and have advices, would be interesting to heard.
 

SMM

The Living Force
I noticed I tend toward lack of firmness with colleagues sometime. I mean to be distant with someone who deserve it, is not something easy, especially when the person try to "buy" you by being friendly and you fall.

It's not easy because it's intellectually uncomfortable to work in an environment with tensions. When tensions come from a clear problem it's ok, but it's not always the case. Grey zones exist. For example someone have a non professional attitude, you see it but you can't point it to the person because you don't manage the person.

If someone already lived such situations and have advices, would be interesting to heard.
Is the person trying to buy you and that you fell for, the same as the one with a non-professional attitude @Ellipse?
 

SMM

The Living Force
Another factor is: is this new or recent behaviour or ongoing, either since you or your colleague started working there? I tried to edit and add this to the above, then the time limit went into effect.

In what ways are they non-professional? Depending on how management is at your workplace and the urgency or severity (risk of it developing for the worse), you can ask to speak to them in confidence and maintain anonymity.

You can discuss with the colleague first to better understand why, not to manage, just to understand and make them aware.

Then maybe you'll be able to present a possible solution to management when you do speak with them anonymously?

Another option is to ask your colleague if they are willing to address this at a team meeting once you find a way to understand, and they are open to discussing it with you.

Was he trying to buy you to not rat them out, so to speak?

If you are able to provide more information or context, we can give more specific answers 🙂
 
Last edited:

pecha

Padawan Learner
I think it's alright in some situations to give feedback to your colleague to make your voice heard. Maybe the person doesn't realize that he/she is in that state and having someone else point it out can help that person snap out of it. I don't think that just because you don't manage the other person doesn't mean that you shouldn't talk to him or her about it.
 

biala84

Jedi
FOTCM Member
For me this kind of problems i solve like this no matter who, if' it's playing with me and try to get me on his level, i simply don't let to do it. Sometimes You have to give back the respond. The only one answer for this question is to be don't worry and ofcourse everyday i met different people and i know some of them they don't have their emotions clear and also some of them they are easy to control throught the system :/ Everything i do i start do it with a humor and a lot of calmness no matter with who You are talking. The knowledge that we already learn can give Us answer for the question if We are able to see intesntions of the people B-)
 

s-kur

Jedi Council Member
Hi, Ellipse.
I think this such situations could both useful and harmful, - and it depends on who holds the driving wheel.

At first it will be useful for you to understand why you can't you say "No" despite of everything. Yes, you can.
Even without any explanations. Just No. In other case, when you go in "report-mode" you don't hold driving wheel.

Also I found useful approach to "play fool": may be, may be not; will see; will think of it later;:-D

The second is, I think, understanding that energy you put=money/experience/growing you have. Why should you deprive someone of such a beautiful payments?

The third is quite often it's a trap when someone tries to palm something you on. And the trick is you feel you "owe' something to give back. And who holds driving wheel here?

Of course, I can be wrong here. In my response I've described my own similar situations I went through and the same situation of my sister at her workplace where she just can not drop all the "cargo" she was being load with just because "you can"...of course with smiles and reassurings that it's ok as a payment.
 

Jones

Dagobah Resident
FOTCM Member
Maybe the lack of firmness indicates an internal conflict. That seems to be the case with me. What will happen if I say 'no' or disagree? What will happen if I say 'yes' or agree? Ruminating over these thoughts often leads to worse case scenarios that can be paralysing.

At work there is the need to complete the job at hand because that's what we get paid for. However, if giving all the weight in the decision making process to completing the job at hand in all circumstances leads to resentment and enables others laziness and manipulation then it's not helpful overall because an inordinate amount of time ends up being spent fixing up their errors and omissions and we prevent them from exposing themselves as the issue.

Obviously more consideration needs to be given to trainees or unusual or rapid changes in workplace priorities that calls for 'all hands on deck' in that regard.

The decision also needs to be balanced out with the most efficient use of your energy so that you can preserve and take care of yourself.

If you think of a football team, then every position on the field has particular position descriptions that they have to take care of as priority. Then because they are a team, they each do that little bit extra to help the other guy get over the line if they have adequately covered the duties and responsibilities of their own position or someone else temporarily steps up to cover them while they cover someone else. But if their own duties and responsibilities are under threat or challenge, then they must concentrate on those first.

So it's kind of a fluid dynamic, but getting clear on when to say 'yes' or 'no' will help develop the firmness you're lacking. It takes practice though so go easy on yourself if you make errors with the decision.
 

Chu

Administrator
Administrator
Moderator
FOTCM Member
Perhaps you can expand a little, Ellipse, so that others get a clearer image of what the situation is like? As I understand, this person tries to buy your sympathy by being "nice" to you, but then, he/she is incompetent, and the reason you cannot say anything is because you are not his/her boss. Yes? Do you think that their "niceties" are a conscisous way to hide their incompetence, or is it genuine? Is their friendliness telling you they would be able to receive some feedback if you phrased it in a constructive way, or not? Is their incompetence a problem for your work/company, or does it simply bother you because they don't have your same standards? How long have you worked with this person for? Have you tried to be assertive but remain friendly? Is what bothers you with this person a recurring pattern in your work/life, or is this new? Do you know what your other colleagues think of him/her? Etc. Etc. As you know, there is good, bad, and the specific situation. :-)
 

loreta

The Living Force
FOTCM Member
For example someone have a non professional attitude, you see it but you can't point it to the person because you don't manage the person.

If someone already lived such situations and have advices, would be interesting to heard.
It happened to me. One when I was working in a Hotel. The other person was really non-profesional. What can you do? do your job the best you can. Be professional yourself. Do what you have to do. Try to ignore this person as best as you can dans la mesure du possible. If this person is doing problems with what you have to do so maybe it is time to speak with your boss? Or someone responsable of dealing with problem with workers.

I hope you will find a solution Ellipse! Thanks to share.
 

Alejo

The Living Force
FOTCM Member
Hi Ellipse,
I concur with Chu, I think a bit more context would be helpful to give you specific feedback.

Cause it could be lack of assertiveness in general that has made you feel abused in the past and now you’re interpreting this situation as one where you need to be assertive but there’s no need.

Or this person could be truly someone that requires you to have a more stern stance because this person can tend to be too abusive.

Without that information it’s difficult. But, here’s something I’ve learned about assertiveness, For the most part, when we’re unable to act assertive is due to a fear of what it would mean if others perceived us in a negative light.

Now, that needs to be unpacked carefully because it may be tied to so many aspects of our lives and experiences, and they’re always unique to each individual.

For example, maybe you learned sometime during your life that being assertive meant being punished by authority, or abandoned, or confronted. So you developed a survival mechanism that read something like “in order to survive and be safe, have to tone down being assertive, even if it means letting people walk all over me”.

Which, might have worked in a specific context but now it’s bringing you trouble, and it keeps you solely focused on you, so it ought to be updated. But that requires work.

Or, maybe it isn’t as drastic, maybe you grew up in an environment with tons of agreeableness and you’re not used to having to stand up for yourself because you were sheltered from conflict or protected by someone who really wanted to avoid you harm.

Now, the above is speculative, but I think it highlights the importance of unpacking that narrative carefully. And I would begin with “What”, “what do I think would happen if I were to be more assertive in this situation?”

And study that answer, and be honest and study the reaction to the answer. And you will see a little thread that connects to somewhere deep within you. And then I’d continue with “what purpose did this serve?”“Does it still apply?” And little by little get to the bottom of it.

I hope the above made sense.
 

Ellipse

The Living Force
FOTCM Member
Thanks all for your answers. Let me first state that there's no heavy or really stressful situation involved here. But I thought it's an interesting one in the context of the Work. So here is a more detailed context:

This colleague is in an other room and simply laugh most of the time, constantly whistle or is watching his mobile phone. I don't work with him on common project so it's not a big deal. Except he drag with him another colleague whom I work with, and I see the difference before/after they were together. The other point is, that in a company it's better if everyone push in the same direction...

We had a word about the situation and I notified him about being to noisy. So it put a bit of distance between us and it was OK for me.

A few days later we had the opportunity to discuss on the way to the work. He joked about something and I joked with him too. So the distance was removed and this is not what my rational mind wanted. But my emotional mind certainly yes. I felt being bought.

It's not a big deal here but I think it's a pattern which can repeat in others situations with variations and more important stakes and it's done in a blink of an eye. I agree it can be a program but if so, how to remove it? Practice? I agree for the assertiveness too but not easy when caught off guard.
 

s-kur

Jedi Council Member
In my opinion, as I see this situation, here's nothing bad and you shouldn't think that you've been bought. I think so because of different areas of your interactions. The first area is workplace and the other one is you free time. May be this guy just a lazy/unserious/unresponsible in work (non-professional, as you said) but how does it deal with your short interactions outside? Especially that you didn't overcome yourself to laugh with him a bit.

Ok, you didn't support his attitude to the work. I think it doesn't define the whole man as the person who you should avoid, hate and abhore.

During my work at sea I met diffrenet captains and you know, during the work process which is very hard and dangerous for your life all the captains will cry blue murder on you, will be offensive and intolerant as much as it possible to your incorrect/slow/absent movement. Even if you're right and just did something in the way he doesn't suspect...After that when work is done, most of them talk to you in quite friendly manner on different topics, laugh with and so on. And most of the crew know the rule "work done, have your fun". Of course, some of crew members feel angry and offended, but that your choice: to aggrieve or try to understand.

And when I try to project your situation, I think that there always would be silent war between command squad and sailors, that will make living and working at sea during 6 month qute more terrible:-)
 
Top Bottom