Long term effects of bullying

T

Trajan

The Force is Strong With This One
This is a subject that has interested me for a while. Growing up I was bullied to a decent degree. It was not so much physical as verbal in terms of what took place. My dad took a "Turn the other cheek mentality" which was then what I grew up hearing. Being smaller then a large percentage of my class and not an "outgoing tough guy" I tended to be a target to an extent. I followed his advice and IT DID NOT WORK at all. Looking back there are many points where I wish I had simply thrown a punch to let the other guy know that I meant business. I did not do this however and instead of people respecting my pacifism they took advantage of it. Not standing up for myself at the time seemed the logical choice to make based on what I was taught/influences growing up but now I find myself looking back on the past and the bullying with a lot of regret. I essentially have almost a seething rage about past experiences that I cannot let go. It was not always this way however, for a few short years after high school the memories never even crossed my mind and then at some point they just came back. I now find myself many times just going back over what happened and imagining another outcome. For a while I thought it was just a phase, but I am starting to realize that this is becoming a problem that I need to address now. I have seriously thought about approaching some type of mental health professional but the stoic side of me says suck it up. In another post I mentioned anxiety and thinking about it, this could be a large part of the problem. I rage a lot internally, I do not think this is normal and it is affecting me on many different levels. I am at a point in my life now where I am tired of floundering. I want to see change, solutions, I want to be proactive and look back in ten years and be happy instead of having a million "what if" thoughts. I am living in the past too much, not concentrating on the now or the future but instead reminiscing (in a negative way) about a past that I can not change. Any thoughts about this would be greatly appreciated.
Being a private person, this is actually one of the first times that I have reached out to others to seek a solution to my problem. But wanting to be proactive, I would like this to be a positive step in a direction that leads to a new, happier me.
 
Trajan, have you read either of these threads?

Anger: 6 Psychological Benefits of Getting Mad
http://cassiopaea.org/forum/index.php/topic,27040.msg328226.html#msg328226

Learning to overcome fear
http://cassiopaea.org/forum/index.php/topic,29252.0.html
 
Growing up, I was also bullied to a 'decent degree'

Trajan said:
My dad took a "Turn the other cheek mentality" which was then what I grew up hearing. Being smaller then a large percentage of my class and not an "outgoing tough guy" I tended to be a target to an extent. I followed his advice and IT DID NOT WORK at all. Looking back there are many points where I wish I had simply thrown a punch to let the other guy know that I meant business.
Click to expand...

Yes, the 'turn the other cheek' will actually cause the opposite effect in almost all of these cases as discussed in this thread

This was initially the approach I took also, which fueled my self-pity program, which was probably the only way I could cope and comforting myself that I am better than them, better than to 'sink to their level' of verbal and physical abuse. But the physical part ultimately drove me to fight back, which was beneficial in third grade.
In 5th grade - my worst year - it didn't work, as the two classmates I had who were the chiefs in terrorizing me were years older and stronger than I was. (They continuously failed almost all of their classes).

This led eventually to me bringing in a knife to school - to scare them off - when they threatened to kill me, almost getting expelled, failing math and having a nervous breakdown of sorts.

So getting physical might not always work either when one is being bullied. As in my case or if they are backed by a group of bullies.

I also have a lot of suppressed anger boiling inside of me and standing up for myself has been an issue all my life as well.
Doing EE on a regular basis (once or twice a week) has helped and it still is helping.
Another thing to do is to read ALL of the cognitive science and psychology books in the recommended book list and related material which also should help us get over these issues from childhood or begin to at least.
 
Hello Trajan,
Bullying is unfortunately a reality. Its manifestations reflect what is wrong in society.
You reacted in a certain manner because of your education. But the way you reacted does not define you, it is just something that happenend at a certain period of your life, from which you may acquire some lessons. Maybe what you need is to put it into perspective and to define the general context of your life and how that remote past does fit in it. You are not the past, but it defines the story of your life. A good exercise it to write about it, see the thread http://cassiopaea.org/forum/index.php/topic,25989.0.html
It helps to process past traumas and putting your actual existence into perspective.
You say that it is the first time that you have reached out to others, which is also a part of the problem. The human being is an open system. Its internal processes develop in contact with the environment and with other beings. The other more straightforward solution in this context is to seek the help of a good therapist with whom you can process these trauma openly, without keeping everything inside, and thus creating only more circular thought loops and anxiety. OSIT
 
As mkrnhr suggested, seeing a good therapist can really help. Just sucking it up, as you said, is what got you to repress your anger in the first place. So I, too, suggest a good therapist.

Also, repressing anger is not good for the mind or body. Laura has mentioned many times of throwing clay flower pots to release her anger, or weeding her garden to let the anger energy out. So there are ways to let the repressed anger out. Yelling, punching pillows, or do you have someone who may have a punching bag that you could work out your anger on? Anything physical you can do - even running - and thinking about your anger so that you can let it go by sprinting.

Just some thoughts. But don't be afraid to see a therapist. It really can help.
 
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