Lost Love

[Silgi]

Hello,

first i want to apologize for my bad english.
I would like to know how i can forget a certain person. i fell in love with a woman last year who broke up after a few months of the affair.
I even left my wife for her, which unfortunately didn't help.
I've been back with my wife for about two months, but unfortunately I can't forget my affair.
that's why I'm totally in despair. she is constantly on my mind. between us it will definitely not work again. that's why I want to forget her.
can you or the C's help me with this? I just want to be happy again.

Thanks for your help.

 

[Silgi]

I just wanted to say, i don't know why it's so hard to forget her. Maybe she is my soulmate or something.
I am 42 years old and felt in real love for the first time in my life. I have been married for over 20 years and have two adult children.
But the "attraction" that bound me to my affair was so incredible. She also told me last year that i have a strong attraction to her.
But after our first dispute, she immediately gave up and broke up. Less than two weeks later she had a new boyfriend.
Then i left my wife, hoping she would come back to me...but she isn't...

Although already the brokeup was nine month ago, she asks me from time to time if i'm okay. The last time was a little over a month ago.

How can i forget her? Are we soulmates? How can i find the answers?
I am desperate. She is always on my mind. How can i "delete" her?

 

[Anamarija]

Maybe, for a start, is good idea that you write down your hole experience, from the start till the end. Here or in your diary. Reason why I recommend it because when the experience is written we can look at it from different angles. While this is only part of our inner world, understanding and perspective we tend to see only "good" moments and off course because of that we idealize the person. This also allow us to escape from our real life problems which is the same (IMO) like taking alcohol or drugs.

Also, when you think about her what do you think? Memories, fantasies or something else.

 

[Silgi]

Should i write here my entire experience with her?
It would be pretty long...

 

[KTC]

Should i write here my entire experience with her?
It would be pretty long...

Yes, you can. Like Dakota mentioned, it can help us get a fuller picture of how you got to this point. This may help you look in the mirror and start to understand your own situation better. You've made the first step by starting the thread so take your time and share the experience from the beginning and see where it takes you.

 

[Silgi]

In August 2020, a new colleague started with us. I found her attractive but otherwise I had no interest in her.
This went on until the beginning of 2021. That's when we started to have more contact because of work. We always got along well from the start.
During this time I had problems with my wife, which I also told her. At some point she said that I wouldn't stay alone for long if I broke up.
That's when I realized that she was more interested in me than I had thought. I have never had an affair with a taken woman in my entire marriage. By then she had been in a relationship for 3 years.
Eventually, our conversations became more personal, and she admitted to me that she found me very attractive from day one.
We then confessed our love to each other. She once said to me that she can open up to me and that she can and wants to live out her sexual fantasies.
Unfortunately we couldn't meet anywhere except in the car or in the office. She even wanted to go to the hotel with me, which unfortunately didn't work because of corona.

She was so in love with me that she planned our wedding, our vacations and even our children's names.
I would also like to mention in passing that she had a bad childhood and somehow traumatized herself because she really wants to be married by the time she is 35 and also wants to have children.
She even got nightmares where she calls my name in the dark but I'm gone.
She then broke up with her boyfriend because of me. and then went looking for an apartment.

In May 2021 our affair got the first crack. We were both in corona quarantine and at that time I got the message that my wife is pregnant. That was a stab in her heart. We aborted the baby because we didn't want it, which she seemed happy about, too. but afterwards i found out that it was very stressful for her and that she cried to a friend.

Then in June she moved out and things went well between us because we had a place where we could meet in peace. But she always said that she feels like a concubine.

I noticed that her breakup with her boyfriend was already weighing on her. and I couldn't be with her all the time. I didn't want her to be at home depressed all the time. that's why i advised her to go out with her friends.

Everything was going quite well until our first fight. She was having a drink with a friend. It's okay too. But the next day she told me that she was being flirted with in the bar. I also replied that it's normal when two beautiful young women are out. What she said to me afterwards really hit me: "She said that since she's single anyway, men can and should flirt with her!"

I took that as a threat. I mean yes she was single but she loved me so why is she saying that.
I wasn't particularly nice during the argument either, and I said things that I didn't mean. I wanted to talk to her. She said I should go to my wife instead. Then she thought that I only go to her for sex. She thought I was treating her like a prostitute.
Then, a few days later, she got the message that it was over.
In the same sentence where she broke up, she also wanted me to separate from my wife. She shared that with me for a few days. I just told her that she should decide if I should break up or she should break up with me now. she just said, I'm not going to break up anyway and if I do, then I'll definitely go back to her. Since then I've been chasing after her like a dog but she was just freezing cold.

The reason she gave for her decision was that apparently it wasn't real love, just crushing. That she always felt like a concubine and she didn't want anything complicated in life.

I'm happy to answer your questions.

Excuse my bad English...I'm from Germany.

 

[Anamarija]

Thank you for sharing your story Silgi. I think that's good start.

Is there something else that brought you together, for a time, except physical attraction? Did you share some similar interests, beliefs or goals in life? How did you spend your time together except fulfilling physical desires?

 

[Silgi]

We have many similarities. Bad childhood. We wanted to do more together, but unfortunately it didn't work because we couldn't really meet anywhere for months. We were both in a relationship.
In June it was at her house. but then it was all over.
we dreamed together and imagined our future. We were both in love.
After she ended our relationship, I wanted to talk to her, but she didn't want to blame me. i ran after her but she always reacted coldly. and now after i react like that she asks me every now and then if i'm fine and happy. I tell her it's none of her business.

It wasn't even two weeks after she broke up with me that she already had a new boyfriend. But she somehow doesn't seem happy with him. a mutual friend told me...that's what she suspects. And this despite the fact that she has been with her new boyfriend for nine months.

Iif she still loved me, then she should have come back to me after i separated from my wife. But unfortunately she did not come to this realization.

I'm back with my wife. I don't think she's coming back either.
But I can't forget her. And I think I'm still kind of in her head too. Otherwise she wouldn't be interested in me anymore.

 

[Tauriel]

During this time I had problems with my wife, which I also told her

Did you tell your wife as well?

She once said to me that she can open up to me and that she can and wants to live out her sexual fantasies.

Strange, when she later said, she'd feel like a prostitute.

I would also like to mention in passing that she had a bad childhood

PTSD creates all kinds of problems later in life..

She even got nightmares where she calls my name in the dark but I'm gone.

Sorry, I don't believe this.

I try to say what I think without hurting your feelings.
Please bear with me but on some patterns I might have a different outlook due to my job which is in psychiatry.
To me the lady clearly shows a pattern of behaviour which can be attributed to borderline personality disorder. I can't diagnose her but her behaviour is some indication.

We were both in corona quarantine and at that time I got the message that my wife is pregnant. That was a stab in her heart.

So obviously you still slept with your wife. Why did you do this?

We aborted the baby because we didn't want it, which she seemed happy about, too. but afterwards i found out that it was very stressful for her and that she cried to a friend.

That's horrible. Sounds like a big mess to me. I still want to meet the woman who's happy about an abortion.

What she said to me afterwards really hit me: "She said that since she's single anyway, men can and should flirt with her!"

Borderline behaviour. She gives you all kinds of ambivalent and contradicting messages.

Then she thought that I only go to her for sex. She thought I was treating her like a prostitute.

...when she wanted to act out her sexual fantasies?

The reason she gave for her decision was that apparently it wasn't real love, just crushing. That she always felt like a concubine and she didn't want anything complicated in life.

I agree, no love but obsession and mind gaming.

It sounds as if everybody got hurt in the situation.
I wish for you to find the strength to untangle yourself from this mess and show yourself and your wife the respect you both deserve.

 

[maguenette]

Hello Silgi,

Thank you for sharing your story.

This comment you wrote:

I am desperate. It's still on my mind. How can I "delete" it?

It sounds suspiciously like lovebite symptoms! I know because I had this kind of symptom in a past relationship.

I suggest doing a forum or web research about the lovebite phenomenon.

Marc.

 

[Tauriel]

It sounds suspiciously like lovebite symptoms!

Could very well be.
But relying on such an explanation can also make for an easy way out, denying responsibility. So a cautious approach to the 'love bite' subject might be helpful.
Sorry if I sound harsh but I had my share of drama-based relationship-entanglement.
Like in a good drama there were obsession, betrayal, lack of loyalty, sadness, desire, egocentrism, egotism, egoism and lots of wishful thinking....and most of these where contributed by myself.
Then realizing one day that I've spent much too much time thinking about some other elusive person instead of contemplating my own doings which were horrible at that time as a result of my 'obsession'- an interesting and chemically loaded distraction and a great challenge for learning.

 

[maguenette]

Could very well be.
But relying on such an explanation can also make for an easy way out, denying responsibility. So a cautious approach to the 'love bite' subject might be helpful.
Sorry if I sound harsh but I had my share of drama-based relationship-entanglement.
Like in a good drama there were obsession, betrayal, lack of loyalty, sadness, desire, egocentrism, egotism, egoism and lots of wishful thinking....and most of these where contributed by myself.
Then realizing one day that I've spent much too much time thinking about some other elusive person instead of contemplating my own doings which were horrible at that time as a result of my 'obsession'- an interesting and chemically loaded distraction and a great challenge for learning.

Tauriel,
You don't need to apologize. It's not too much harsh. I'm able to take comments as they are. I agree with you. My comment is a suggestion to see if it could be a love bite. It is often more complex.

 

[Tauriel]

You don't need to apologize. It's not too much harsh.

It wasn't harsh towards you, Maguenette.
It's my sentiment about this whole thread- it obviously triggers me and external consideration hangs by a thread.

Sigli, in what you wrote the word 'unfortunately' is repeated quite often so you express a lot of resentment that the affair didn't work out. A lot of resentment that the lady did not stay with you after you did so much as leaving your wife of 20 years.
Your wife who even became pregnant-- then had an abortion.
And I guess before I misinterpreted what you said as you talking about your wife when you obviously were still talking about your lover.

That was a stab in her heart. We aborted the baby because we didn't want it, which she seemed happy about, too. but afterwards i found out that it was very stressful for her and that she cried to a friend.

So your wife had the abortion and your lover felt stressed about it and blubbered to a friend about it?

What is your wife to you if I may ask?

 

[Maya]

No love here, noup. IMHO you both just fail in a rush of intense chemistry and that's all.
Adrenaline and endorfins kick that sometimes after looong time of same rutine/ dinamics of established relationship our brain crave.
And craving comes from expectations that our needs could and will be met better by that new person.
We will be seen, heard, validated and loved better. And that all is childhood trauma legacy from every single one of us.
And now you have very big mess but also a very big lesson and opportunity to get to know thyself if you are honest enough.
And to grow the most.

I will recomend you one very simple book if you want. It might bring you a great insight why you feel the way you feel.
Its dr Nicole LePera ¨How to do the work¨

Good luck

 

[Expedition26]

What is your wife to you if I may ask?

That’s what I’m wondering! You are very caught up in your feelings and how this affair has affected you. Have you stepped back to look at how your wife has felt about the whole thing?

Perhaps instead of focusing on how this other woman made you feel start focusing on building a quality relationship with your wife. Then if you become distracted by another woman again you won’t feel the need to have an affair because you will feel fulfilled in the relationship you’re already in.