Most bizarre "Dream" experiences during the age of 6

XPan

Dagobah Resident
green_pillars1.jpg

I have always wanted to write this down - and yet always felt reluctant to do so.


6-7 years of age

It is about an episode in my life between the age of around 6-7 years old, when I lived with my mother in the outskirts of West Berlin, in Rudow near the wall. She was already divorced from my father and we now lived alone. What then would happen ... I think lasted several months, perhaps a year - my memory is a bit fuzzy regarding time and length. Below is a photo of me, from that age.


1972--00-03-Ralfs-Strolchie.jpg


A very murky, greenish world

In what I would remember the most was, when lying down on the couch in the living room, every time I closed my eyes - I was transferred into strange ... state... A murky, darkly world, which was monochrome dull-greenish, kind of weakly fluorescent and with tight horizontal stripes across the scene.

Close to my ear there would be this strange, male and cold voice, CONSTANTLY talking into my left ear - in such a suggestive, hypnotic way that I don’t quite know how to describe it other than in metaphors. It was not a language I would understand. But he would just talk and talk and talk - without any breaks. A very hypnotic type of talk, like somebody who wants to persuade you, like a psychological forced, pushing, demanding voice (feeling). The feeling is so creepy, so deeply unpleasant the way he speaks, that I would not move a millimeter.


Scenes of Extreme plasticity

I am surrounded of a scene, which to me didn’t look anything like I could ever understand nor being able describe (back then). As a teenager I would call it “3D” because of the dimensionality - or better said - because of the extreme plasticity in the scenes - in which shapes and forms are instantly aligned with the “mood” of that talking voice to my ear. I remember especially very large pillars everywhere. Reminding me of greek buildings.

Then - within a fraction of a second - the voice would scream so outrageous loud, close, violently angry - right into my ears - while the surrounding details in the scene would bend, move, and above all VIBRATE and PULSATE violently. Like a erratic, total chaos, yet aligned with the fierce, awfully screaming voice to my ear.

I was frightened to death, paralyzed, curled up into foster setting.

Then - as sudden it happened - it would just stop. As if nothing every happened !


Instantly returning to what it was before; Solid shapes and forms. Calm. Pretending "being innocent". Dimly greenish lit huge pillars, and that voice next to my ear constantly talking; cold, emotionless, inhuman, unsympathetic (psychopath comes to mind) - as if nothing ever happened.


Constant shift between the extremes

This would go on and on, in irregular intervals back and forth, what seemed to be endless - go from silent to violently loud, dangerous with total chaos and insane strong screaming. My entire being is paralyzed by this... thing/entity/presence/whatever. By instinct i knew I couldn't trust the voice. Nor would I ever make a plea; I just kept silent and didn't move.

However this voice itself was never able to reach me physically. (This is something i reflected upon later, realizing that whatever it was, it never could touch me/my body). I also notice that the weird flexible landscape/cityscape, had a cave-like character. I can see a pale greenish eye watching through a keyhole in the wall - like the eye of a cat.

Yet - whatever it is, this entity can not reach nor touch me "physically" - only trying to manipulate through voice and changes of scenery.
(Those are quite interesting aspects, when I think about it)


Reflections

I don’t think it was a dream - you know like sleeping deeply. It was more like something in between, like half sleep or something. The voice I could already hear as soon I closed my sleepy eyes.

So, in those childhood years, I just “left it as it is” - did not speak about it, nor interpret it really (partially because the nature of it, was so beyond of what I could grasp). I also didn't make any fuzz or drama about it. It was just something weird... and that was it. During my teenage times, I thought this was probably a sort of "translation" from the violent years between my father and mother, beating each other up violently and screaming. It seem plausible, you know - kind of like a screen memory explanation... Yet - much later, I got vague hunches coming to me, that there might have been more to the bizarre nature of that experience back then.

Compared to all my dreams I have ever dreamed - nothing comes even close to the greenish pillar period experience.
Also; I have never ever dreamed in black & white, and never in monochrome colors. Always in colors.

Later during my 30s in Stockholm, I occasionally thought that it might been a sort of “spell”, or “spellbinding something in or about me” or to “weaken/limiting” something (I guess that inspiration came from the TV series "Charmed"). Nevertheless - it all was vague speculations, and I had absolutely nothing real to go on...

I may however have a better hunch as of lately...


Whatever it was...

I do realize one thing - perhaps now that I make write down a reflection as well summarization to that "greenish pillar" cave like vision and the ice cold voice... I realize: What ever it was back then, its spellbinding voodoo - it doesn’t matter anymore. Here and now. It is actually like saying - whatever mystical it might been, and still trying to being "interesting" for me to solve pouring energy into it...

I'd say: "Not interested, dude ! You can not tempt me with aspects I have already accepted about myself". The influence of that "spell" is broken, along my path of this life time, especially during the latter years. Perhaps very late - but hey, who is counting, right ?!


Broken Spell

Ultimately the "spell's" influence has failed, not being able to prevent me penetrating and cracking down the thick walls, going beyond the veil of my own person, deep from within, gradually, very slowly, being able to apply the wiser inner findings and insights, merging them with the outer world (identification of programs, actions, manifestation, "spirit to materia").

And only during the past years it seem to pay off. It seems that the many decades of feeling lost, like only a half human being, constantly working on my self until I would "barf", yet always falling anew into another abyss, and then you come up to the surface again... and again... I don't know how many times.... - all that drama stopped. Even my reaction times have narrowed down. What once could take 6 years to get over with severe inner pain - takes now a few days for me to dwell on - and then I detach from it !

Sure - I can still feel all my original insecurities, thoughts, words, patterns, reactions, ways of thinking.... They are a part of the earthy "me" - the personality imprint - but in truth, I am not that by origin. I accept that "Ralf"and it's quirks is a being part of this 3D lifetime. And that is all fine.


Programs

I accept those "first reactions" for what they are. Old programs lingering. "Ghosts", so to peak. Echoes. I also notice, that whenever chaos strikes, I do react on the same old ways in the first moments - as always - but have not much trust in those programs going off.

I can accept the reactions for what they are: like "little kids doing their angry thing" or "the dog is barking" - but life does not stop there. I can step out, and step up - and I usually do - where things become immediately clearer - and then one knows what one needs to do. It's quite astonishing experience, being able to identify my own programs, and through silent, inner observations - discerning them, and being able to make their power weaken.

Whatever spell was put on me, into that greenish "cave" in the age of 6 - has seriously lost its influence !

However:
I say this with caution, and not with an attitude of a sorcerers apprentice' big fanfare. Because whenever the dark lingers 'over our heads', it has a nasty tendency to strike out from odd angles and shadows, we do not shed enough light into, or don't pay attention to ! I always keep that in my mind (yet at the same time - which is important as well - without fear or being obsessive about it. I love the silent observer in me, gentle, wise, just and honest - independent of my ego's fuzz. I associate it with the inner core dwellings of a wise heart - the sage - a nexus to high realms.

If you gently, honestly and quietly listens to it: A truly fantastic friend !!


Don't beat yourself up

about the images you have about yourself when they attempt to "grind you down" - if you are an honest, dear seeker for truth.

I read or heard somewhere a long time ago: "We have never got taught how to say no to invasive negative thoughts". You know, sometimes you just have to tell your ego, to shut the f up. Enough. Is enough. Cut yourself some slack sometimes.

I remember - it was 15 years ago; i was reading a book about ego, thoughts and it's influence on the mind/soul. And the most curious thing that happened was, on the same day, an older lady came out of the my train, at Islandstorget's station in Stockholm - and out of the blue she pointed at her head, and said to me something like "yes, don't give your thought too much power over your soul" - and we smiled. I was totally baffled, but recognized the connection.

Being human in this lifetime, means we have to deal and accept being human - and that's a lot of flavors to deal with - and if we can do that - we start to look beyond he veil, but also increase our freedoms. It usually includes a whole spectrum of characters and ways - But once you start to establish a deep inner connection with the wisdom of your heart - beyond wishful thinking - then you can live this life you got here in this 3D realm - and learn from the experience, and enjoy it, including the lessons.

It doesn't have to be perfect (I doubt 3D can ever be perfect to begin with), albeit its underpinnings, designs and structures, are divine in how fantastic it all works.


Remember who you truly are

Somehow - I always got back to my roots, each and every time; even when you feel, thinking it breaks you into pieces, damaging you for the rest of life...
It ain’t true ! But yes, lessons need to be learned - to understand the difference.

It creates stripes in our 3D personalities...
Yes. But your are not broken !

There is a lot of life - more than plenty. And there is lots of love ! And lots to learn.
Despite the iffy times and challenges. I love every bit of it !


PS:
I have tried to emulate the feeling of the "dream" scene from when i was 6 year old, with those greenish pillars, which you see in the beginning of my entry.
Oh dear... this turned out longer than I had anticipated.... I wouldn't want to read that on an iPhone, as it looks like 2 kilometers long *LOL*
 

XPan

Dagobah Resident
a thought

Since this thread is about dream alike experiences of mine, i thought I could perhaps add a few noteworthy dreams later on ? (I have written down many though my life time - albeit not all of them interesting to read really)

There are especially two of them being noteworthy; one that occured 2 weeks prior the death of my beloved grandmother Elfriede in 1994 in Stuttgart.

And then years later, one which perhaps has been the most beautiful experience ever in my life, as her spirit - which was trapped in a yellow balloon, and i freed her, - went straight through my heart. It was as if everything never been said, yet everything was being said - yet without a single word. It was so the essence of my grandmother, the loving core that always been her fingerprint, despite her blunt personality.

I do however have to find those diary pages on my computer, before i can translate and post them here. In general I can say that i basically never have true predictive dreams - so it really just boils down to that grandmother and I had always shared a deep connection.

While I did have another event happening when my father died (Berlin) in 1999 in the same hour of his death, but it was an external event for me in Stockholm. In that moment my bathroom mirror came crashing down (while i was deep asleep, waking up totally disoriented, and thought a bomb had gone off). Yet, I did connect this event to my father, and said loud “is that you, father ?!”

And went back to sleep.
 

mkrnhr

SuperModerator
Moderator
FOTCM Member
Your monochrome green dreams remind me of a story I've heard when i was a kid, that two children were found once and their skin was green, and they described a world with a green sun. Have you even heard or read about this story back then?
 

mkrnhr

SuperModerator
Moderator
FOTCM Member
apparently the story I'd heard was this one: The Green Children of Woolpit: the 12th century legend of visitors from another world

Regarding your father's departure, very often the "soul" of the departed pay us a little visit before embarking on their journey and they may try to get our attention. When my greandmother died, I woke up to sense her presence in the room. I told her that she didn't need to worry, that I was okay as she could see. There are many ways to say goodbye.
 

XPan

Dagobah Resident
Is it this story from the 12th century, mkrnhr ? What’s remarkable story indeed if true. No, I really have never heard about it before. Thank you for the tip !!

(And now i read your reply with the link)

It sounds like a story with potentially several levels to explore…. In another text there was mentioning of an association to the weird Green Knight in the Arthurian myth - which makes think of cometary events/associations/occurrences.

*

i recognize the thought of that there are many ways for relatives to say good bye. That was exactly the feeling i got back then !
 

XPan

Dagobah Resident
And the thought of portals come to mind when i read the story about the green children. Wasn’t in 1178 a strange major cometary bombardment taking place on the moon - but only witnessed by two men at night ? Was 3D reality in a phase of growing thin during that time, leading to bleed through events ? Many associations come to my mind…
 

OutSky

Jedi
..................................

I have always wanted to write this down - and yet always felt reluctant to do so.

6-7 years of age

It is about an episode in my life between the age of around 6-7 years old, when I lived with my mother in the outskirts of West Berlin, in Rudow near the wall. She was already divorced from my father and we now lived alone. What then would happen ... I think lasted several months, perhaps a year - my memory is a bit fuzzy regarding time and length. Below is a photo of me, from that age.

..........................................

A very murky, greenish world

In what I would remember the most was, when lying down on the couch in the living room, every time I closed my eyes - I was transferred into strange ... state... A murky, darkly world, which was monochrome dull-greenish, kind of weakly fluorescent and with tight horizontal stripes across the scene.

Close to my ear there would be this strange, male and cold voice, CONSTANTLY talking into my left ear - in such a suggestive, hypnotic way that I don’t quite know how to describe it other than in metaphors. It was not a language I would understand. But he would just talk and talk and talk - without any breaks. A very hypnotic type of talk, like somebody who wants to persuade you, like a psychological forced, pushing, demanding voice (feeling). The feeling is so creepy, so deeply unpleasant the way he speaks, that I would not move a millimeter.


Scenes of Extreme plasticity

I am surrounded of a scene, which to me didn’t look anything like I could ever understand nor being able describe (back then). As a teenager I would call it “3D” because of the dimensionality - or better said - because of the extreme plasticity in the scenes - in which shapes and forms are instantly aligned with the “mood” of that talking voice to my ear. I remember especially very large pillars everywhere. Reminding me of greek buildings.

Then - within a fraction of a second - the voice would scream so outrageous loud, close, violently angry - right into my ears - while the surrounding details in the scene would bend, move, and above all VIBRATE and PULSATE violently. Like a erratic, total chaos, yet aligned with the fierce, awfully screaming voice to my ear.

I was frightened to death, paralyzed, curled up into foster setting.

Then - as sudden it happened - it would just stop. As if nothing every happened !


Instantly returning to what it was before; Solid shapes and forms. Calm. Pretending "being innocent". Dimly greenish lit huge pillars, and that voice next to my ear constantly talking; cold, emotionless, inhuman, unsympathetic (psychopath comes to mind) - as if nothing ever happened.


Constant shift between the extremes

This would go on and on, in irregular intervals back and forth, what seemed to be endless - go from silent to violently loud, dangerous with total chaos and insane strong screaming. My entire being is paralyzed by this... thing/entity/presence/whatever. By instinct i knew I couldn't trust the voice. Nor would I ever make a plea; I just kept silent and didn't move.

However this voice itself was never able to reach me physically. (This is something i reflected upon later, realizing that whatever it was, it never could touch me/my body). I also notice that the weird flexible landscape/cityscape, had a cave-like character. I can see a pale greenish eye watching through a keyhole in the wall - like the eye of a cat.

Yet - whatever it is, this entity can not reach nor touch me "physically" - only trying to manipulate through voice and changes of scenery.
(Those are quite interesting aspects, when I think about it)


Reflections

I don’t think it was a dream - you know like sleeping deeply. It was more like something in between, like half sleep or something. The voice I could already hear as soon I closed my sleepy eyes.

............................

Well, this above narration, to me does not sound much a dream. Maybe it is a blending of many things, such as memories, emotions and even dreams. However, reading this post, it mostly reminds me the cases marked in Shaver’s stories. Indeed this above post’s report is quite alike.

Shaver was a writer of “sci-fi” stories very famous from the 40’s to onward. A notable feature of his stories was the “Deros,” a type of bodily and mentally degenerated humanoid race that were the Lemurian remains who to day supposedly still dwell in the ancient caves built by the sophisticated Lemurians. Those ‘dero’ beings, is told, have limited intelligence and are really organic robotics that survive using the machines left in the underground of all the world.

They are also devours of human meat, as well as, they feed from negative energy extracted from the humans in the earth’s surface, and those taken as prisoners in the subterraneous. They do that by way of voices, images, thoughts that are projected by interactive rays from those high-tech machines abandoned in the tunnels directly to the minds of the surface’s people, in particular those living in the great cities.

So, it sounds classic fictional stories, however the C’s stated that is not exactly the case. Indeed they, those robots, are real.​
Session July 19, 1997

Q: Are there such things as ‘DEROS,’ as described in this underground bases book?
A: Detrimental Robots.
Q: Are DEROS part of the underground city/bases scenario?
A: Yup.
……………………
Q: …. about psychic projectors. That was the only unusual thing we have found about this. Are we talking about some sort of place where they have rotating shifts of psychic projectors?
A: As you know... fiction is often the guise for the deliverance of the deepest of truths. And, on that note, good night.​

Also, since your story occurs in Germany, it too recalls me the murmurings of “Lorelei” which in turn brings to mind another session,​
Session June 13, 1998

A: You think there is no alfalfa in the Germanic highland?​

If is that the case, this connects many dots, no?!! ;-D
 

XPan

Dagobah Resident
Well no, a real dream it was not.
Something….like an alternate state?

I somewhat understood back then, that there was a difference in the experience - compared to a dream.

For example; i may have been in the age of 3 ½ - I had a strong dream about an airplane exploding in midair (what looked like a white explosion, I saw through blue curtains at my window).

I wanted to share my dream with my father but I did not have the words for it - so i tried to pull his head down towards my pillow - in the hope that the dream was still “left in there” so he could see it, too :lol: I was dissapointed realizing he didn’t understand what I meant. And somehow also aware that it wasn’t possible to share it dreams like that.

So, the concept of dream i could distinguish - while the other green cave pulsing screaming alternate state vision - was very different in nature.

I truly appreciate you guys making comments and digging up possible associations and parallels. 👍

💞
 

Zzartemis

Jedi Master
I think there is something about that age...when the attacks take a more intensive turn.
From my experience and seeing the same done to my son at that age, I'd say correct. I was going to ask you @XPan , do you have earlier memories of strange happenings around you or even an invisible friend? Because with both my son and I, it started very young.

Dr. William Baldwin said he noticed the begining of it started at age 3 and he had no understanding of why that was so. My thought on that is the child is verbal and hence the thinking is developed enough where DFEs can begin their attempt at invites/contracts, as unfair as that seems, we know they push the envelope when staying within 'the rules' of what can or cannot be done.

Baldwin told of a 4 year old girl (I think that age or not much older) where her mum went into the hospital. Now the hospital stay wasn't all that serious, but it played on the little girl's fears, like separation from a parent can at that age, and she ended up making some sort of contract to bring her mum home.

My memories go back to between ages 1 and 2 and I can say I was aware of presences then. Same with my son; maybe before but at least when he became verbal enough to tell me things...what he saw and heard them say. He and I both have sight for things unseen. I have one person besides my son to discuss extraordinary perception with. Our planet is infested with beings and the dead, but there are also the living who add to this infestation whether it's inviting other dimentional and/or density or creating thoughtforms of a dark nature.

I'd also ask you, XPan, do you think those intrusions at age 6 could have come from human agents? Was your dad in the military or any groups like the masons?
 

BHelmet

Dagobah Resident
6 was the age for inner intrusions And confrontations in the dream world for both my oldest son and myself. For me it was 2 aliens in my head wondering what the hell to do with me. I “came to” in the dream as they were pondering what wires to cross to effectively disable me. I starting screaming bloody murder at them to get out of my kitchen. They did a quick snipping of a couple wires or whatever, closed the lid and I went through a couple envelopes before waking back into this present waking reality. For my son it was a dark attachment he is still battling to this day.

Prior to that Age it was mostly physical traumas. Garage doors on my head. Other bigger kids throwing rocks at me walking home from kindergarten. A lovely experience stemming from “mommy, it hurts to pee” followed by a doctor visit where a glass rod is suddenly and unexpectedly shoved up my urethra with the eye bulging searing pain coupled with bitter betrayal. So sometimes the old primitive methods are effectively employed in lieu of actual psychic bizarreness. On the plus side, my tonsils became infected at 18 months and I was anesthetized for for the surgery. This made many pre life memories re awaken since I was as yet still so near to them.

Anyway, the point? Certain types of souls get targeted with a boat load of garbage at an early age. It is a life challenge to recall those experiences, see how they have effected your journey, your thinking, and emotions and then to heal/come to terms with them/use those wonderful “character building experiences “ we love so much for the advancement of our souls and purposes which those experiences and dreams were designed to thwart.
 

XPan

Dagobah Resident
From my experience and seeing the same done to my son at that age, I'd say correct. I was going to ask you @XPan , do you have earlier memories of strange happenings around you or even an invisible friend? Because with both my son and I, it started very young.
From my experience and seeing the same done to my son at that age, I'd say correct. I was going to ask you @XPan , do you have earlier memories of strange happenings around you or even an invisible friend? Because with both my son and I, it started very young.

Dr. William Baldwin said he noticed the begining of it started at age 3 and he had no understanding of why that was so. My thought on that is the child is verbal and hence the thinking is developed enough where DFEs can begin their attempt at invites/contracts, as unfair as that seems, we know they push the envelope when staying within 'the rules' of what can or cannot be done.

Baldwin told of a 4 year old girl (I think that age or not much older) where her mum went into the hospital. Now the hospital stay wasn't all that serious, but it played on the little girl's fears, like separation from a parent can at that age, and she ended up making some sort of contract to bring her mum home.

My memories go back to between ages 1 and 2 and I can say I was aware of presences then. Same with my son; maybe before but at least when he became verbal enough to tell me things...what he saw and heard them say. He and I both have sight for things unseen. I have one person besides my son to discuss extraordinary perception with. Our planet is infested with beings and the dead, but there are also the living who add to this infestation whether it's inviting other dimentional and/or density or creating thoughtforms of a dark nature.

I'd also ask you, XPan, do you think those intrusions at age 6 could have come from human agents? Was your dad in the military or any groups like the masons?

No, Zzartemis - nothing like that.

Neither before nor after that green cave vision with its fanatic voice. Nothing of the kind of strangeness i have captured on my radar - nor have i ever seen weirdness of the dark kind in any direct revealing way.
Therefore the strange nature of the haunting green cave visions during a year - where unique in my life. And I let it be, “as it is”, open, unanswered later in life.


The age of six (and similar)

I do however agree that there is something important going on with strange influences in relation to children at a very young age.

Events of invisible forces going way beyond what meets the naked eye, trying to alter or capture, perhaps even cripple the soul in 3D life. I am not so surprised anymore today, I mean. It is only since 2017 i have been able to sense (possible or likely) 4D STS originated influences having tried to break into my relationship with my husband.
Unfortunately for them, Sal and I are on the same page, and we both identified that there was something wicked added, which went beyond the normal behavior of quarrel, as it was affecting us in most strange ways, which none of us could recognize being part of our inherent personalities.

As soon we identified the nature of it / the influence vanished instantly. (It was litterally the equivalent effect of giving 4D STS the finger. Double up, in fact).

I have the impression that during my life, I seemed to have flown quite often “under the radar”. That didn’t prevent traumas, a long tunnel of sorrow, pain and loneliness, though.

I guess some of them where part of this (my) life’s challenges having to go through. I also believe that whatever Karma was attached, i needed some serious shaking to get those thick walls surrounding my “sight” and naive perceptions (the way i interpret and related ) to crack.

Or perhaps - i lived exactly through what was needed for me to experience in depth - one step at the time.

I know that there have been negative forces trying to alter my road - but i interpret it as such, that in my grief, beliefs and ignorance i may invited (or maintained) those indirectly. But it must been very erratic to them because i surprise in so many ways. As predictable i appeared to have been, as unpredictable i could act at times (in a positive way). But also sometimes in a ‘negative’ way which then later showed having been actions, which would break even the most negative attachments to certain people, especially in a future perspective - (now in hindsight) would have been absolutely devastating if i had continued on those path.

it has likely to do with that i often had shown an ability to connect deeply with the life (force) - even in the most traumatic of times - even only temporarily - i could snap out of the dark forces wanting me to be locked into pain and grief which just seemed to be endless. (I don’t know how else to describe it) Maybe it was my naive but pure hearted folly (?), that somehow “saved me” when it was absolutely vital, outmost crucial - not to go towards death and destruction ?


Preliminary (green cave vision)

I believe that everything in my body, rejected the “invitation” of whatever energy or being or whatever, was behind the screaming green cave visions…. - i never agreed, never obeyed, never asked (to make it stop) by following directions. I rejected the whole nature of what it was radiating, being false, evil and not trustworthy.

Initially i was writing a very long entry here, which was intertwined with my early past - but it got too long…


Helpers - in a sort of way

I did however realize that i had my (own) “helpers” - not the imaginary kind, just simple figures: like “Max” an Indian American doll (which i lost at 4 i think). He felt like an “wise protector”.

And the cute dog “Strolchie” - which by the way is visible on my desk, in the photo of my first entry when i was 6.

And then there was the (memory) laughter of my beloved grandmother Elfriede being a light - a source of love, beauty, honesty, directness and justice - always would make me remember - and reconnect to in my heart - when all lights had gone out during childhood and during my teens (i was forbidden to see her). The memory of her brilliant laughter… was definitely a source of my survival.

So, all three played important key rolls during childhood - preserving the seed to life in me (later to unfold and grow), not going totally lost or even towards death. Life for me often felt as if “life force was flowing out of me” - no matter how i tried to prevent it, no matter strategy. (Yet i do have a remarkable ability to bounce back) which is easier to say now, compared to back in time, while living it like Bambi on Ice - for decades.

At least that is how i view it now, while going back into the stream memories, reviewing what once was… I do not see any clear signs of direct negative forces dressed as ‘helpers’. (I believe i rejected such false nature by instinct - as i always have rejected people who shown far too dualistic nature and false intentions, as you fall in love with them, or get entangled, or chose to get married - being very different really. Sometimes i think people i met back then where just energy suckers. Filling their own shortcoming and “black holes” energy wise. They used beauty and sex for consumption and comfort.

Yet i doubt I was a victim really. With that hidden temper of mine… I would been suited to be a Sicilian, not a Berlin guy.

i was just lost and very 3D wishful thinking. Bambi definity needed to be shaken many, many times. To get that stuff out of the way in order to see clearer. Step by step. And so it turned out in my life. Very slow, but ultimately it did peel off many of the onionlayers of obstructions.

So, most misery was played out though normal people instead… broken people. Weird people. Ignorant people. Could there have been human agents ?

I don’t know.

* * *

i took me several days to write this and i noticed an unusual amount of resistance in me along these days - so this green cave dream. ITS VOICE, and discussing it here, your questions @Zzartemis (thank you) as well for me going down memory lane, i pick up interesting associations.

For example just now it happened - this unnatural, evil voice, its fierceness reminds me suddenly of the “voice” character in my head constantly raving in my early years in Stockholm in the 80s. It always made me want to feel deep guilt (just about everything), being not enough, being half, being a coward, being unloved, being a failure… mama mia, such negative persistence. Like in the green cave.

it now makes me realize how similar the character and resonance of the voice from the green cave was to the negative ‘voice’ in my head in my early 20s , but acted through “me” as a false “part of me”.

How strange
 

XPan

Dagobah Resident
Thinking of attacks at early age.

I do remember that our family had a lot of them, and there was so much chaos. My grandmother Elfriede lost her other eyesight after a sudden inflammation, only 3% was left in the outskirts of her vision, nothing left in the center (and that is how she continued to run the household unabated). The other eye she got poked out at birth, and was already blind there.

Well and i went a half year into the hospital for lymphatic cancer in my upper leg (the second time). So, much was going on during the age of 4-6 in our family branches… uh !


The hospital oneway mirror window

speaking of unusual vision. As i was in the hospital for cancer in my leg the first time, i must have been around 2.5-3 yo. I always remembered a scene:

Through a visitors window my other grandmother Helene and my mom where looking and waving at me… but then went away without coming into the hospital room, to my bed. I was so disappointed and sad - and just couldn’t understand why they wouldn’t come in.

one day during my teens i asked grandmother Helene, why they didn’t come to my bed. She said - you couldn’t have seen us. We were behind a one way mirrored glass. We could see you, but you couldn’t see us.

i was totally baffled. I SAW THEM CLEARLY !!! And always wondered why they wouldn’t come in…

Apparently i made a big scene having been so upset, that they had to bind me with a vest to the bed so I couldn’t move (because of the operation scar ?).

but that’s about it, regarding unusual experiences…
 

Zzartemis

Jedi Master
but that’s about it, regarding unusual experiences…
That's a lot Pan. Understood on your need to take time to compose replies; these are deeply personal experiences and one that can bring gawkers and skeptics who will say, "No you didn't..." (especially with public sites...not meaning members here)
I am going to take some time to think on further dialogue here, too.

Until then....Michelle
PS: Your energy is lovely. 💖
 
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