I have always wanted to write this down - and yet always felt reluctant to do so.
6-7 years of age
It is about an episode in my life between the age of around 6-7 years old, when I lived with my mother in the outskirts of West Berlin, in Rudow near the wall. She was already divorced from my father and we now lived alone. What then would happen ... I think lasted several months, perhaps a year - my memory is a bit fuzzy regarding time and length. Below is a photo of me, from that age.
A very murky, greenish world
In what I would remember the most was, when lying down on the couch in the living room, every time I closed my eyes - I was transferred into strange ... state... A murky, darkly world, which was monochrome dull-greenish, kind of weakly fluorescent and with tight horizontal stripes across the scene.
Close to my ear there would be this strange, male and cold voice, CONSTANTLY talking into my left ear - in such a suggestive, hypnotic way that I don’t quite know how to describe it other than in metaphors. It was not a language I would understand. But he would just talk and talk and talk - without any breaks. A very hypnotic type of talk, like somebody who wants to persuade you, like a psychological forced, pushing, demanding voice (feeling). The feeling is so creepy, so deeply unpleasant the way he speaks, that I would not move a millimeter.
Scenes of Extreme plasticity
I am surrounded of a scene, which to me didn’t look anything like I could ever understand nor being able describe (back then). As a teenager I would call it “3D” because of the dimensionality - or better said - because of the extreme plasticity in the scenes - in which shapes and forms are instantly aligned with the “mood” of that talking voice to my ear. I remember especially very large pillars everywhere. Reminding me of greek buildings.
Then - within a fraction of a second - the voice would scream so outrageous loud, close, violently angry - right into my ears - while the surrounding details in the scene would bend, move, and above all VIBRATE and PULSATE violently. Like a erratic, total chaos, yet aligned with the fierce, awfully screaming voice to my ear.
I was frightened to death, paralyzed, curled up into foster setting.
Then - as sudden it happened - it would just stop. As if nothing every happened !
Instantly returning to what it was before; Solid shapes and forms. Calm. Pretending "being innocent". Dimly greenish lit huge pillars, and that voice next to my ear constantly talking; cold, emotionless, inhuman, unsympathetic (psychopath comes to mind) - as if nothing ever happened.
Constant shift between the extremes
This would go on and on, in irregular intervals back and forth, what seemed to be endless - go from silent to violently loud, dangerous with total chaos and insane strong screaming. My entire being is paralyzed by this... thing/entity/presence/whatever. By instinct i knew I couldn't trust the voice. Nor would I ever make a plea; I just kept silent and didn't move.
However this voice itself was never able to reach me physically. (This is something i reflected upon later, realizing that whatever it was, it never could touch me/my body). I also notice that the weird flexible landscape/cityscape, had a cave-like character. I can see a pale greenish eye watching through a keyhole in the wall - like the eye of a cat.
Yet - whatever it is, this entity can not reach nor touch me "physically" - only trying to manipulate through voice and changes of scenery.
(Those are quite interesting aspects, when I think about it)
I don’t think it was a dream - you know like sleeping deeply. It was more like something in between, like half sleep or something. The voice I could already hear as soon I closed my sleepy eyes.
So, in those childhood years, I just “left it as it is” - did not speak about it, nor interpret it really (partially because the nature of it, was so beyond of what I could grasp). I also didn't make any fuzz or drama about it. It was just something weird... and that was it. During my teenage times, I thought this was probably a sort of "translation" from the violent years between my father and mother, beating each other up violently and screaming. It seem plausible, you know - kind of like a screen memory explanation... Yet - much later, I got vague hunches coming to me, that there might have been more to the bizarre nature of that experience back then.
Compared to all my dreams I have ever dreamed - nothing comes even close to the greenish pillar period experience.
Also; I have never ever dreamed in black & white, and never in monochrome colors. Always in colors.
Later during my 30s in Stockholm, I occasionally thought that it might been a sort of “spell”, or “spellbinding something in or about me” or to “weaken/limiting” something (I guess that inspiration came from the TV series "Charmed"). Nevertheless - it all was vague speculations, and I had absolutely nothing real to go on...
I may however have a better hunch as of lately...
Whatever it was...
I do realize one thing - perhaps now that I make write down a reflection as well summarization to that "greenish pillar" cave like vision and the ice cold voice... I realize: What ever it was back then, its spellbinding voodoo - it doesn’t matter anymore. Here and now. It is actually like saying - whatever mystical it might been, and still trying to being "interesting" for me to solve pouring energy into it...
I'd say: "Not interested, dude ! You can not tempt me with aspects I have already accepted about myself". The influence of that "spell" is broken, along my path of this life time, especially during the latter years. Perhaps very late - but hey, who is counting, right ?!
Ultimately the "spell's" influence has failed, not being able to prevent me penetrating and cracking down the thick walls, going beyond the veil of my own person, deep from within, gradually, very slowly, being able to apply the wiser inner findings and insights, merging them with the outer world (identification of programs, actions, manifestation, "spirit to materia").
And only during the past years it seem to pay off. It seems that the many decades of feeling lost, like only a half human being, constantly working on my self until I would "barf", yet always falling anew into another abyss, and then you come up to the surface again... and again... I don't know how many times.... - all that drama stopped. Even my reaction times have narrowed down. What once could take 6 years to get over with severe inner pain - takes now a few days for me to dwell on - and then I detach from it !
Sure - I can still feel all my original insecurities, thoughts, words, patterns, reactions, ways of thinking.... They are a part of the earthy "me" - the personality imprint - but in truth, I am not that by origin. I accept that "Ralf"and it's quirks is a being part of this 3D lifetime. And that is all fine.
I accept those "first reactions" for what they are. Old programs lingering. "Ghosts", so to peak. Echoes. I also notice, that whenever chaos strikes, I do react on the same old ways in the first moments - as always - but have not much trust in those programs going off.
I can accept the reactions for what they are: like "little kids doing their angry thing" or "the dog is barking" - but life does not stop there. I can step out, and step up - and I usually do - where things become immediately clearer - and then one knows what one needs to do. It's quite astonishing experience, being able to identify my own programs, and through silent, inner observations - discerning them, and being able to make their power weaken.
Whatever spell was put on me, into that greenish "cave" in the age of 6 - has seriously lost its influence !
I say this with caution, and not with an attitude of a sorcerers apprentice' big fanfare. Because whenever the dark lingers 'over our heads', it has a nasty tendency to strike out from odd angles and shadows, we do not shed enough light into, or don't pay attention to ! I always keep that in my mind (yet at the same time - which is important as well - without fear or being obsessive about it. I love the silent observer in me, gentle, wise, just and honest - independent of my ego's fuzz. I associate it with the inner core dwellings of a wise heart - the sage - a nexus to high realms.
If you gently, honestly and quietly listens to it: A truly fantastic friend !!
Don't beat yourself up
about the images you have about yourself when they attempt to "grind you down" - if you are an honest, dear seeker for truth.
I read or heard somewhere a long time ago: "We have never got taught how to say no to invasive negative thoughts". You know, sometimes you just have to tell your ego, to shut the f up. Enough. Is enough. Cut yourself some slack sometimes.
I remember - it was 15 years ago; i was reading a book about ego, thoughts and it's influence on the mind/soul. And the most curious thing that happened was, on the same day, an older lady came out of the my train, at Islandstorget's station in Stockholm - and out of the blue she pointed at her head, and said to me something like "yes, don't give your thought too much power over your soul" - and we smiled. I was totally baffled, but recognized the connection.
Being human in this lifetime, means we have to deal and accept being human - and that's a lot of flavors to deal with - and if we can do that - we start to look beyond he veil, but also increase our freedoms. It usually includes a whole spectrum of characters and ways - But once you start to establish a deep inner connection with the wisdom of your heart - beyond wishful thinking - then you can live this life you got here in this 3D realm - and learn from the experience, and enjoy it, including the lessons.
It doesn't have to be perfect (I doubt 3D can ever be perfect to begin with), albeit its underpinnings, designs and structures, are divine in how fantastic it all works.
Remember who you truly are
Somehow - I always got back to my roots, each and every time; even when you feel, thinking it breaks you into pieces, damaging you for the rest of life...
It ain’t true ! But yes, lessons need to be learned - to understand the difference.
It creates stripes in our 3D personalities...
Yes. But your are not broken !
There is a lot of life - more than plenty. And there is lots of love ! And lots to learn.
Despite the iffy times and challenges. I love every bit of it !
I have tried to emulate the feeling of the "dream" scene from when i was 6 year old, with those greenish pillars, which you see in the beginning of my entry.
Oh dear... this turned out longer than I had anticipated.... I wouldn't want to read that on an iPhone, as it looks like 2 kilometers long *LOL*